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verbal abuse

Posted: Sep 2, 2010

You all seem to have such good advice and I need opinions. I am separated from my husband because he is a verbal abuser and I finally realized that I don't deserve to be treated this way. Well, he has tried to change a lot and in a lot of ways he is better but he does have his moments. I don't think I can get past the past abuse to trust the"new and improved" person. He says "shame on me" that I don't believe that people can change. I believe people can change I just don't believe HE can change as much as he says he can. I have known him for 26 years. I want to feel safe and I just don't. Am I crazy or is what I am feeling okay?

;

Been there, done that - no changes permanent

[ In Reply To ..]
Get back together, he will revert to his old behavior. Maybe he can be different with someone else, but the pattern is too firmly established with you to break that quickly, if ever. The dynamics of any relationship are what they ARE, they may as well be carved in cement. Every time I have broken up with anyone and got back together, even if we both vowed to and intended to change, we could not. We went right back to "the way it always was" because that's just the way we always did, and will, affect one another.

It sounds like the abuse hasn't stopped - Ann

[ In Reply To ..]
If he had really changed, he would understand that it would be difficult for you to trust him because of the decades of abuse. He would not try to blame you for not trusting him, he would know that you would need time to see that the change is real and permanent. He has not changed.

It is my belief that anyone capable of abuse in the first place is incapable of the kind of empathy and caring that would permit a real change. I would suspect that he has only changed some surface aspects of his personality and that his character, or lack thereof, remains unchanged. He's saying what he thinks you want to hear so he can get something he wants, not because he cares about you.

I lived for many years with a verbal abuser. They don't change. They continue to try to manipulate you because they hate the loss of power when you finally break free.

Be strong. You deserve better than you will get from him.

Best of luck to you.

it might change for someone new in his life, - but not for you

[ In Reply To ..]
It's a dominance thing. The pattern has been so deeply entreanch in the subconscious that the conscious cannot always be in control.

FWIW, I do believe that people can change. But if they change and grow based on past experiences, they are going to move on with their lives to a new different level, not go back into something that didn't work before.

I agree. - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I think that too that he will be better for someone else but there are too many bad memories that overshadow the good. I just wish I could make him understand that. I WANT him to find someone else and just go away.

I think that people can make lasting changes... - Kendra

[ In Reply To ..]
There are people who are heavy alcoholics and quit drinking who become completely different people than they were before (just one example) and I don't think that it necessarily takes meetings or therapy or whatever. However, if you don't want to be with him anymore, don't. I think that it takes two people to make or break a relationship and that no one person is ever completely at fault, no matter how much we want it to be someone else's fault completely. I have never been blameless in the destruction of one of my relationships. If you want to get back together, do it, if not, whether he has changed or not, don't. That is my advice.

Abusers - be they verbal or physical - are master manipulators. - LoriMT

[ In Reply To ..]
When he says "shame on you" for not believing people can change, that is his manipulation tactic, trying to guilt you into taking him back.

If you believe he has changed, then that's great, but if there is still even the slightest bit of doubt, then any reconciliation will not be successful. Because you'll be constantly waiting for any sign that he is reverting back and he will feel like you are watching every move he makes and feel like he's under a microscope. He will become resentful and he definitely will revert back to his old verbal abuse.

Also, a person needs to make changes for themselves and not as a guise to get their lover back. My experience was that the marriage was irreparably damaged by his behavior and by his many attempts at change only to fail. In the end, I just couldn't have any contact with him for a while. I couldn't hear the "please take me backs and I will change" anymore. I just had to tell him that I couldn't trust anything he said and that he needed to fix himself by himself.

I have to agree with Lori - been there too

[ In Reply To ..]
I truly believe that an abuser makes you as sick as they are. The longer you stick around the sicker you get. If you try to stick it out you end up losing yourself, your pride and your identity trying to be the person that the abuser won't abuse. It is no different if the abuser is an alcoholic, drug addict, or a verbal or physical abuser. You become their victim and it does irreparably destroy a marriage. Even if the person says they are going to change, you still have all that emotional damage that has been done to you as a person. It is hard to get over that and get the old feelings back again. The fact that he is still saying "shame on you", everytime he says something like that all of that damage surfaces again. As hard as you think it will be, you will be a much happier, healthier person when you realize you haven't been abused, found fault with or ridiculed since you got out of the situation. One morning you will wake up and it will dawn on you how nice the past few weeks have been. No one deserves to be made to feel like less of a person so that someone with low-self esteem can feel better about themself by putting you down.

Thank you - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
Thank you for what you all had to say. I agree. Now to get up the courage to do it.

If hes saying "Shame on you", then he"s still abusing. - Its not YOUR fault.

[ In Reply To ..]
...

Thank you. I am not the OP, but I needed to hear all this - Startrek MT

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't usually come here too often to post. But I do lurk because it is my "water cooler," since I work at home and have no MT friends physically around me, but I do virtually. I appreciate the op's courage in asking this. I am in a same position, however, my husband won't change and by his actions has made it clear and beyond that... I have been hanging on for 2 years being separated almost... and for going on 6 years married. He cheated on me when we were dating, I still married him. He verbally abused me and my son and physically shook my son. Because of that and not his abuse mental and verbal of me I left. That is I could not see my son be hated as he was a small child and now a kid. But since the separation I keep praying for a sign that we can go back and be the happy family I dreamed and my husband says he dreamed about. He cheated on me for all the world to see, told me about it, and still continued to be married while refusing to divorce me. Some of you know me here in RL and you told me that I should not hang on. But still I wanted to be true to God and my vows, so I sit here now in silence as he continues his behavior not even trying to change.
You all may think I am stupid to have hope and to pray and to think there is a chance it could work. I think it is stupid too. So, I appreciate all you said about staying in unhealthy relationships and that we must move on if we want to be healthy. This helps me a lot. It may take a while still for me to make the move to divorce... I even hate typing that word, but your posts here have at least validated that even if my prayers were answered and he acted on the surface as though he had changed, that the hatred of my son and me will still be there and that it would be wrong to go back. So thanks. This might just be an inkling of what needs to sink in this thick skull and thick heart of mine. STMT.

PS: Sorry for the run-on sentences. This was just written from the heart. nm - StarTrekMT

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

yes! - deenibeeni

[ In Reply To ..]
absolutely agree.

OP, remember the cycle. Pick an entry point: Roses, sweetness ----> minor, infrequent abuse ---> major, frequent abuse ----> cataclysmic event ----> roses, sweetness.

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