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at a loss

Posted: Mar 15, 2010

My best best friend, mother, advisor, etc., died on 3/6 for which I was not prepared. This is my first loss in 53 years besides my cat. I am devastated, cry constantly, I miss her so very much. I pick up the phone to call her and realize that she is not here any longer. I don't know what to do...I am lost without her. I know I need to see someone. Please let me know how others feel and felt!!!!

;

I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel, I think. - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
I lost my mom in 2005 (she was the last of my close family, leaving me with just some distant cousins spread around the country). It took quite a while before I was able to really accept the fact, emotionally, that she was gone, though, of course, intellectually it was expected and not a surprise at all. To this day, I still find myself thinking, "Oh, wait until I tell Mom about that," and then realize that I can't.

I wish I could say the sense of loss goes away. It hasn't really, for me, in that it's always "nearby" and waiting to be restimulated, often by the small little things each day, but it DOES get easier to cope with and easier to accept with time.

Just don't get mired down by the "coulda shoulda" stuff and regrets; that's an easy trap to fall into. Try to concentrate on the good moments and good times and be thankful you had them and that you still have those memories.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
how you feel. My dad has been gone for 13 years and still when I visit my mom (who lives out of town) I still expect to see him come out the front door to the car in the back of my mind when I drive up like he always did. I still miss him tremendously, but it does get less painful with time. Allow yourself to greive and miss her, that is the only way to get through it.

Heartbroken - I am still at a loss too. - BTDT

[ In Reply To ..]
That pain is never going to go away. It comes from loving and needing someone, and missing them when they are gone. Some times are harder than others, but it is always there.

My father was the most important person in my life. He always let me know I was loved. He supported me even when he disagreed with my choices. He found little ways to force help on me when I refused it. He is the only person I ever had in my life who NEVER lied to me, not even once.

I have never accepted his death and I never will. I have just learned to live with it. "Seeing someone" is not going to change that for me. Everyone deals with grief in their own way and in their own time. If you do feel like you need to see someone, then maybe you should. Maybe it would help to talk, grieve out loud, and share.

I still talk to my Dad after all these years. I feel like he does hear me, he does guide me, and it helps me. He made me a strong person and I feel that strength when I need it. Love never dies.

Good luck to you my dear.

heartbroken - working on it

[ In Reply To ..]
You're going through a grieving process. Of course you're crying constantly, but that's okay! Of course you feel lost, that too is okay. You will eventually find that each passing day you're going to find yourself again and as time goes on it gets easier to continue on.

Nothing can ever replace a lost love. Nothing replaces the love of a parent.

Let yourself feel this. It's okay to feel this way. Just take it in. If it makes you feel better to talk to your mom out loud, then do it. She'll hear you.

I lost my pops 7 years ago today. The pain you are feeling is what I felt, sometimes still do.

You're going to be okay. Please believe me.

Take baby steps. You will find a way to be "normal" again and be at peace with what has happened.

I'm here if you want to talk, e-mail me.

~ML

Grief and loss. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
My grandmother lived to be 100 years old, so I was fortunate to have her in my life until age 48. She was as much of an influence on me as my own mother during my childhood and teen years. When she died it was as though I suddenly became possessed by the memories and experiences from all those years and for many months I stayed preoccupied in that frame of mind. During that time, I had much difficulty living in the moment and completely lost sight of any concept of my own future. It was like being suspended in time somehow.

Four months after her death, my father (her son) died and the grief over losing both of them became inextricably intertwined, compounded and prolonged. My memory of my day-to-day life during that time is very vague, but the presence of the grief is as vivid as if it happened yesterday. I do recall finding comfort by sharing my grief with others who knew them...my sisters, uncles and aunts...and to listen to the stories they would tell as they remembered and grieved the loss together. It helped to travel from my home to the places where we shared our lives (in this case, it was an out-of-town trip of around 225 miles) and to spend many solitary hours indulging the grief and my recollections of the past. I found that the more I did that, the easier it became, although it was quite a gradual process, one that brought as much joy as it did pain.

Sixteen months later, my mom died and it was at that moment I found out what real grief was. In a strange way, I was somehow prepared to bear the pain by the previous recent losses, but it was much deeper and much more protracted. Again, I found myself in that place where time (past, present and future) became suspended and I experienced my life as being played out in some kind of parallel universe. I leared to let go of trying to control the grief and instead let it take me where I needed to be.

In those early days, I remember having a very hard time falling asleep, tossing and turning, waking up, fitful and anxious. I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning, cook, clean or take care of myself. In those moments, I realized my mom was still with me, looking over my shoulder, whispering in my ear and encouraging me to put one foot in front of the other and "carry on" as she used to say to me. After all, she had shown me many times over many decades how to do just that.

I would psyche myself up into living by her example and it was in that way I was able to summon the strength she had given me. I found myself having those conversations with her (sometimes in my head, other times right out loud) for many hours of the day, every day in the beginning, whether she was there to answer the phone or not. She never once failed to be there to listen to me and always found the way to give me the answers I needed, when I needed them, every time I looked for them...they were there because she was there.

That was 12 years ago. The pain I felt then is still fresh, but I still use the memories to cover it up and comfort myself, think of her every day and still talk to her whenever I feel the need. Whenever I miss her, I revisit the places where we shared our lives, go by the old house, my schools, the stores where we shopped, the first apartments I had, my first home...all the places where she and I had spent our time together. I try my best to honor her life with my own in my actions, deeds, intents and behaviors by remembering all life's lessons she taught me in her living years. I have come to realize that she and all the others are not really gone, but just in another place, never very far from me. Their spirits live through me and in me and I can always find them when I look inside myself, in the corners of my memories and in the love I keep for them deep in my heart.

Everyone has their own way of doing this and that is the way you will find. I can only hope maybe something I said will help you somehow get through another hour, another day or whatever it takes to get you past the unbearable place you find yourself in. I relied heavily on my faith and constantly reminded myself that this will pass only if I let it pass and I found it helpful to do exactly what you are doing now...reaching out, sharing, asking for the help and knowing that you are not alone.

I hope this does help heartbroken - because it sure helped me...

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm so glad I am not alone. I talk to the sky and laugh and sometimes cry because I miss my chats with my Mom. But I do admit it does make me feel better. I can do it in my head or out loud and either way I get the same result. I can hear her say "oh don't let that bother you or oh whatever will be will be or oh they can't take your breath away, so carry on, live life to the fullest."

Thanks for sharing!

My mom died over 5.5 years ago - sm -

[ In Reply To ..]
I never really broke down and really bawled, but then I am really not prone to that. I have cried, but the extent is some tears running down the face for a few minutes. I used to speak to my mom at least once a day. I was on vacation and away where I could not talk to her easily when she got sick, I only spoke to her once then, then the day I came home she was admitted to the hospital and at that point could not get phone calls (ICU, then step-down) I think of how it happened and the vacation helped prepare me in a way of not being able to speak to her. That was the hardest for me I think. I just started coming out of my fog about a year ago, still not all the way there but finally getting motivated to do some things for me and my family. I suppose I was depressed though not enough I think to warrant therapy or meds. I just kept on going as best I could. There were a lot of other things going in my life that ended up taking precidence over my mom's death so I guess that distracted me enough (daughter's life-threatening illness, dad remarrying less than 9 months after mom dying, DH not dealing well with any of it) so I had a lot on my plate, and probably would have gotten through my grief faster had not all **** broken loose in my life. I ended up just becoming very disorganized, not being very communicattive with anyone, just shut myself away from my friends and DH pretty much. I just lived to work and for my kids basically. You need to find something to get yourself through your day, a reason for carrying one, etc. and try not to crawl into a solitary hole. You obviously need grief counseling and quickly. If you have any good friends and they can deal with hearing you talk about your mom and your feelings then do so. I always found that talking about her made me feel better. I would (and still do) "talk" to her sometimes. On days I find a lot of pennies I like to think it is her saying hi to me, which is a nice feeling to have. I still miss her a lot of course and I have a hard time believing its been over 5.5 years but life does go on, you have to too.

sorry for your loss :( - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
It does get a little easier with time. I lost my best friend, Mom, advisor in 2006. It was the greatest loss I had ever felt. But, what I have learned to do is take the positive things and utilize those in my everyday life especially towards my children, who also miss their grandmother.

The other thing you might try is did she have any close friends that you might lean on for a while to talk these things out.

I will say a prayer. Please try to think of it in the way that your Mom would not want you to miss her so much but would want you to move on and up. It sounds like she raised a terrific child and just coming here to talk about it is a good thing. Reach out to your friends and family and her friends if you need to at least for now.

Sending good thoughts your way that you may embrace this sadness, accept it, and then make a way for yourself so you don't feel so bad.

Heartbroken - You are not alone

[ In Reply To ..]
As you can see, there are many people who have and do share your feelings. I also gathered something from these posts that I have never been able to put into words before. If you think your mother, father, or loved one was such a wonderful person who deserved your love, respect, and devotion then you should definitely honor them (and yourself) by keeping those memories alive and living by their example and passing those qualities on.

My dad used to tell me that I would be a better/happier person if I spent just a couple of seconds every day making someone else smile. It doesn't matter who; it could be someone you don't even know such as a cashier, waitress, your kids, etc. He said when they smile, you smile - and that makes the world a better place. I know that sounds silly but I never forgot it and I taught that to my children. It works. If you can, please try to make someone else smile as often as you can and you will find that simple act can lift you significantly.

It sounds like you were loved and cherished, so consider yourself somewhat lucky to have had that kind of mother. I hope you find comfort in these posts - they are wonderful, and you are definitely not alone.

heartbroken - understand completely

[ In Reply To ..]
I lost my mother on 10/22/2009. She fought a very long and hard battle with cancer. I cannot tell you how much she is missed. She was my confidant, best friend, everything. She tried her hardest to stay here with us because she wanted to be here for her granddaughters but God had other plans. I can't really give you any advice but can say I totally understand where you are coming from. Momma was only 64. I have finally gotten to the point where I don't cry everytime I think about her or mention her. I miss her terribly but the crying is minimal now compared to what it was. When it first happened I couldn't even make myself work. If you ever need to talk, email me.

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