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Time-challenged

Posted: Nov 15, 2013

I have a friend (no, it's not me) who is time-challenged. She has just become a new mother and it is now much more pronounced. She almost lost her job in the past because she couldn't get to work on time. Her husband is almost at wit's end. They have never been on time for anything - meals, church, funerals, movies, etc. She is devastated by this and often ends up in tears. Does anyone identify with this and if so, any suggestions? She is an otherwise beautiful, articulate, joyful person. I read recently that studies are being done in Europe on the part of the brain that processes time and that some people cannot process time. Going on medication is not an option for her - some have suggested ADHD medication. Any suggestions? ;

Always late - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
She could go to a neurologist to see about a diagnosis. Unfortunately you probably won't like my real opinion. I've known a lot of constantly late people, especially in my family. They are otherwise pleasant people. People like this are late primarily because it's not a priority to be on time. All in all their time is more valuable than others and it's that simple. To ALWAYS be on time is done on purpose, maybe just passive-aggressively, but still on purpose. Otherwise, this person would at least occasionally be on time purely by accident. My advice to you, if it's actually bothering you personally, is to take a closer look at your friend. You say her husband's at wit's end, but this doesn't change her behavior. It's interesting that she cries. How many other things in her world (friends, jobs, etc.) does she really try in some way to get things to work out to suit her desires? My mother used to be and still is the primary abuser of time in our family. If she puts something off long enough, someone else will do it. If she goes to a get together she is ALWAYS late. We've even told her activities would be an hour earlier to get her there on time, until she figures it out and then that's blown. I've seen others do the same thing. I quit bothering with it anymore. Activities are when they are and if they're late, that's just the way things go for them. I think deep down they get a bit of a charge, ego boost per se, having people wait around on them. BTW, my two biggest offenders couldn't make it to work on time either. They've gotten written up more than once, never fired, but the behavior doesn't change. You might lookup some things about people who are chronically late to everything to help you have a better understanding. I do know it's frustrating.

On time or not is a choice - Not a medical disorder

[ In Reply To ..]
Oh good grief, medication for not being on time?

People who have trouble being on time, need to trick themselves on the clock. If they are supposed to be there at 1:30, they should trick themselves into thinking they have to be there at 1:00--that is, assuming they're always 1/2 hour late. If it's an hour late all the time, then they have to adjust for an hour.

To not try and overcome this is just plain rude.

To me, this is just a passive-aggressive up yours, I'll come when I feel like it.

It's just a discipline just like everything else. - Being on time is responsible

[ In Reply To ..]
behavior and mature behavior. If it doesn't come natural, then she will have to discipline herself to do it even though she doesn't feel like it. Life is full of disciplines. Sitting here typing is the biggest one of all! It is probably time for your friend to grow up!!

You betcha it's not a medical disorder - Nick

[ In Reply To ..]
I had a professor who said that being late is like saying *#$% you to the person you are being late for. You are saying "My time is more valuable than yours, so you can wait for ME." Sure, we all have unforeseen things once in a while (getting stuck in Chicago rush hour traffic comes to mind), but people who do it consistently are passive-aggressive and thoughtless.

SHE is devastated? - That is interesting

[ In Reply To ..]
Everyone in her life caters to her lack of discipline, and SHE is in tears?

If she can read a clock, she can be on time. Maybe she has to look at the clock more often if she is having trouble. Not really sure what you mean by "process time." She doesn't know the difference between 5 minutes going by and an hour? We can all get caught up and lose track, but hers is way off the mark. I don't think there's a brain chemical that precludes someone from looking at a clock, so the med thing is a bit flaky.

That's kind of odd that she is the one in tears. If her husband is at his wit's end, he should be the one crying. I say he should just leave for the event without her. I'm guessing he and others in her life have given/give her reminders all along the way when there is a time schedule.

She may benefit from a little psychological therapy to see WHY she insists on never being on time and then playing the martyr when she's not.

And her husband should have known better than to have a child with her, knowing this behavioral problem. It would appear that he is going to be in charge of getting the kid to school/bus on time, picking him or her up from school or other events, taking him or her to sports (or whatever) events, doc appointments, dental appointments, etc.

Maybe she underestimates how long it takes - to do things

[ In Reply To ..]
Maybe she's being unrealistic regarding the time it takes her to get ready, drive places, clean, cook a meal, etc. Or she be passively-aggressively controlling the people around her. Perhaps being left behind a few times will motivate her to figure out how she can be on time.

Time-challenged/alphabet soup - Yes

[ In Reply To ..]
My suggestion is (1) to plan and (2) to stop hiding behind things like factitious diseases such as ADHD and other alphabet soup excuses. We all have a brain and willpower. I love that old saying: YOU HAVE ONE OF TWO THINGS IN LIFE--YOU EITHER HAVE THE RESULTS, OR YOU HAVE THE REASONS WHY YOU DON'T HAVE THE RESULTS. Ask her what her payoff is in being devastated. Don't enable her. Help her accept personal responsibility. She is an adult, not a 6-year-old. And yes, I have a lot of family responsibilities myself. They take a lot of planning and sacrifice. I am not late for things. Perhaps she would benefit from working with a psychologist to determine what her payoff is. There has to be one or she would not do this. Sorry, but I'm not buying any alphabet soup excuses.

I love that saying! - Had not heard that one before

[ In Reply To ..]
That's becoming my screensaver.

Lots of alphabet soup going on these days - You said it well

[ In Reply To ..]
There seems to be a disorder for everything these days. Someone is purposely mean all the time, they have a chemical imbalance/bipolar. Someone is undisciplined they have ADHD. The list goes on and on.

DH is like that - drove me nuts - Ms. Punctual

[ In Reply To ..]
I inherited my punctual nature from my dad. We both think the same thing. If you are supposed to be there at 1:00 you get there at 1:00 (wouldn't kill ya to be early either), but you don't show up at 1:15, 1:30 or even 1:05.

DH, however, is the opposite. I once told him the world doesn't revolve around him. He says I'll get there when I feel like getting there. He hates to be told what to do, so for him its more of a power trip and when we lived near his family and had family outings it drove me nuts. We'd always be late for everything. I used to be embarrassed but then I'd just point at him.

I finally got him to start being on time. If we had to be somewhere at 1:00 I told him we need to be there at 12:45 or 12:30. Worked like a charm (until he figured it out). But his whole family is like that to.

For me I am not a morning person so I have to trick myself in order to get up. All my clocks are set 20 minutes later than the actual time, so when the alarm goes off at 8 am it's really 7:40. I always hit the snooze twice so when it's time for me to get up the clock says 8:20 but it's really 8:00. Works for dinner too. If there is a show on at 7pm and I want to eat and watch dinner by the time it's ready we're sitting down enjoying the beginning of the movie.

As for her job the only thing someone should tell her is as an adult she should know better. Back about 20 years ago I was frequently late for work. One day I got called into my bosses office and he flat out told me if you can't get yourself to work on time you need to look for another job. The fear of losing my job woke me into reality. As for a movie, if they get to the theatre and they are late there is one solution...they don't go. Church? If they don't get their on time the husband should drive off and they don't go. If she misses enough things maybe she'll learn. Her husband needs to take charge now.

ADHD medication is not for someone who does not have ADHD. It just sounds like she needs to be told "you will stick by the clock" or they will miss out on a lot of thing and she can stay home because she was too lazy to allow enough time to get ready.

Sorry I asked..... - Rose

[ In Reply To ..]
I guess no one has any real suggestions.....just a lot of bashing - sure glad that she can't see these responses - she has heard it all already.

We are giving suggestions - see msg pls

[ In Reply To ..]
Not sure what we're supposed to suggest that we haven't.

We suggested that it's a discipline problem, not a medical disorder that requires medication, so a self-discipline approach might help.

It was suggested that she trick herself on the clock by adjusting the time. It was suggested she look at the clock more often. It was suggested she seek some psychological therapy to find out why she is late and why she becomes the victim for being late. A few of us even feel that this is an "up yours, I'll come when I want" maneuver.

We suggested that the husband leave for important events without her--weddings, funerals, etc.

These are all legitimate suggestions. Just because we don't think this is a medical issue, doesn't mean we didn't give suggestions.

As to the poster who said maybe she doesn't realize how long it takes to do things, I suppose that's possible. But maybe writing it down would help. If it takes 1/2 hour to drive somewhere, that has to be factored in. If it takes her 1 hour to get ready, she has to add that in,etc. Then she can total up the numbers in all, and if it comes to 3 hours from the time they're supposed to be there, that's when she has to start the process.

I'm sorry we don't "buy" the brain chemical thing or medical issue thing or whatever it is. I am the one who asked if she has trouble knowing 5 minutes passing from 1 hour passing, and you didn't answer. If this is truly the case, she needs to set an alarm clock through every step of the process in getting ready.

There IS a disorder that would - include this symptom

[ In Reply To ..]
I am surprised, with you all being MTs, that this was not suggested. OCD does have time challenging as a part of the symptoms, due to the "routines" a person puts in place for themselves. Perhaps the friend could check into this. I do not think there is a "medication" that would help with this, but understanding the disorder one may have could definitely make it easier for those involved. Check into it.

I think some want to be more critical than truly giving "suggestions."

She should look into this, then - see msg pls

[ In Reply To ..]
There are therapies that can help with OCD symptoms---cognitive therapy, for one.

OP did not mention anything about excessive routines or anything.

Nobody is being critical. We all jumped in here with suggestions about clocks, that perhaps it's psychological and could be looked into, which would fall into the category of OCD, I suppose.

None of these are cut-downs. It just sounds like the person with the problem isn't doing anything to try to help herself, and is expecting the world to wait for her while she does nothing.

I am an MT and didn't know that - don't do OCD reports

[ In Reply To ..]
Just because we didn't know that OCD has time challenging as part of symptoms would not make anyone question whether or not we are MTs. I do radiology, acute care, OB, and other specialties. I don't do psychological/behavioral health.

I think the OP only wanted suggestions and for nobody to write anything else. Since my husband is the same way as her friend, and his is more of a I'll do it when I want to and I'll be there when I want to and he thinks the world revolves around him I too thought there was a lot of that going on with this girl.

I don't think anyone on this board should be questioning whether or not other people are MTs. If you never type reports in a certain field of expertise we don't all know the intricacies and symptoms of that field.

Don't do OCD reports - neither do I

[ In Reply To ..]
I do not and have not done OCD reports or psyche reports or anything like that either... but I do listen and "learn" all aspects of health, including these types of disorders. One does not have to type MT reports in that particular specialty in order to know about it and understand it. I knew about it from watching a health episode on TV. I do not limit myself to just my specialty. I guess I figured that most MTs would have a knowledge-seeking attitude and be interested in all aspects of health care. Guess not. Sorry.

OMG! My hubby is the same way!! - ZvilleMT

[ In Reply To ..]
I call it the Man Syndrome - they all think they're the center of the universe. I often wish there was a medication for it - maybe estrogen? LOL!!!

Women do it, too - Prejudice against men are we?

[ In Reply To ..]
In fact, the OPs friend is a woman.

Are you a man-hater? LOL, I have a girlfriend like that. I swear I don't know why her husband stays with her or is faitful to her.

I think the OPs friend is lucky to have her husband. Sounds like he does what he can to babysit her.

I've noticed - on this site

[ In Reply To ..]
There seems to be an abundance of bitter man-haters here.

I Agree - Yikes

[ In Reply To ..]
Women's feet don't smell. Women are never late. Women never break a glass or make a mistake. Women are perfect.

I don't know why some women bother getting married, or why their husbands stay with them.

Unfortunately, it seems to be the way it is. I can't even stand being around some women sometimes. All they do is bi*ch about their husbands/boyfriends, whatever. Good grief, let the guy go so he can find someone who actually appreciates him.

A suggestion - xx

[ In Reply To ..]
My sister-in-law was exactly the same. The family (including her own family) finally got fed up and stopped letting her disrupt our lives with her selfish behavior. She eventually got the message (and some counseling) and no longer uses late arrivals as a way to be the center of attention.

Here is what we learned:

You cannot do anything to make her be on time. She will have to make the change, and to do that, she will have to want to make the change. You cannot make her want to give up the spotlight. She may say she doesn't want to be late, but that's just part of the manipulation. She needs psychiatric care to figure out why she's so self-absorbed.

In the meantime, don't let her rule your lives. Start your events when you choose, and she can show up whenever she gets around to it. If she's not ready when the group is ready to leave for something, leave without her. If dinner or whatever is over by the time she arrives, or if everyone has left for the group destination by the time she feels like showing up, it will be her problem to figure out what to do about it.

Don't make a big deal about her arrival whenever she does get around to showing up. If dinner is over, don't try to save anything for her. Put all the food away and wash the dishes. If she wants to eat, she can get her own dinner. Do not wait one minute for her. Making a fuss over her late arrival just feeds her ego. That's what she's aiming for. Don't give her what she wants.

Once she realizes she will not be able to make herself the center of attention all the time by making everyone wait, she'll get herself places on time.

She's manipulating you all and reveling in the disruption she causes. Then she gets more attention by pretending to be "devastated." Nonsense. She knows what she's doing, and she's doing it on purpose. Once she is not allowed to control your lives, she will find a way to be on time. She'll still try to find ways to be the center of attention, but at least she'll be on time.

Here are my suggestions - Ms. Punctual

[ In Reply To ..]
I think posters did have some real suggestions, but yes there was a lot of criticism too. I think you are taking it personal because she is a good friend. What you should take away from this is the suggestions that might help your friend and her husband.

I think all of us know someone who isn't punctual. We don't know your friend, am sure she is a very nice person. In my life I have punctual people in my family and then I have many who are consistently late, all for different reasons. I have a SIL who just is always late, but she doesn't want anyone to make a fuss or notices so tells everyone get started without me and I'll be there later and she quietly slips in and nobody even notices til later. Then I have another SIL who purposely is late because she wants everyone to see her walking in late. My husband was always late, just simply because he does not like time constrictions. He also tells everyone to begin without him. He does not want to hold anyone up.

I think there were a lot of good suggestions here. Here are a couple of mine.

I already mentioned setting the clocks ahead. That works wonders for me. Second suggestion is her husband needs to become the father in this situation. He needs to take control if he wants this to work out. He needs to become more of a drill sergeant and less of an enabler. What they should do is draw up a table for her to pin to the mirror or wherever she will see it. Write down how long it takes her to shower, how long to get dressed/makeup, how long to get kids up and feed them, how long it takes to drive to the location they need to be at and the last column of the time they need to be there. If she needs to be somewhere at 8:00 she most likely will need to get up at 6:00 or earlier. He needs to wake her up, he needs to be telling her get out of bed, its time to get in the shower. Don't let her continue to sleep in. He needs to tell her, your shower is over, time to get out and get dressed. He is going to have to work with her every step of the way for however long it takes her to learn.

Most importantly she needs some psychological help. You just don't take drugs for a disease you don't have, and even if she wanted to take ADHD or OCD drugs she would need to have an evaluation first. She needs to see a psychologist/psychiatrist to determine whether in fact she really does have a disability, or whether she is just "lazy". If she is as upset as you say she is because of her lateness she would have already been asking for help and asking to see someone about it. If she is not, then it makes me believe that she really is not upset and just wants everyone to put up with doing things the way she wants.

As for functions, at dinners if she is not there everyone should assume she is not coming and they should begin without her. If there is no food left then it is her fault. If they are late to functions they should turn around and not go. If her husband turns the car around and they go back home because they are late after they miss enough events she might learn. But only a true medical professional can determine whether she truly has a condition or is just trying to pull one over on everyone.

Husband/Father - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't think a husband should play a father role for an adult. I think this will further enable her and she'll never learn to do it on her own. I'm sure the husband has done plenty of "fathering" to get this person going and on time, and it doesn't look like it's helped.

Her husband has himself to get on time, and now the kid, when the time comes for the kid to have to go to events. Or perhaps even with the new baby, he's taking over some of that role such as feeding, dressing---hard to know if this person has just a clock problem or is completely dependent and can't do anything for herself. OP made it just sound like a "getting places on time" problem, so that's what we are going with here.

I totally feel for the husband. He should only have to be a father to his kid, not his wife, and he should have help from his wife with the kid.

Her husband can perhaps put a gazillion clocks around and perhaps set the alarms on them---maybe the OP can suggest that to the person who is having the problems, but I think the person herself should be doing that.

Rose, I think you are letting yourself fall into a bit of a situation by giving your friend so much sympathy for something she is basically doing nothing to help herself with.

As an aside, this sort of reminds me of something. It's not exactly the same, but has some similar features. We know someone who volunteers her time constantly for everything. Throwing the Thanksgiving, Christmas [whatever] when others have offered to do it, volunteering at the nursing homes, church, local playhouse, hospital, etc. Then, all she does is complain, complain, complain that she can't keep up with everything that she has sooo much to do and sooo little time to do it. She acts like the victim, when she has created her situation.

To boot, her holiday gatherings are like 30 people in a small house, and she insists on doing ALL the cooking, cleaning, etc.

Anyway, I hope Rose makes these suggestions. I would not want to see Rose be critical to her friend's face; I don't think that would be helpful. However, Rose can put her foot down if the friend takes no interest in taking her advice.

Hubby needs to leave without her - And they take two cars

[ In Reply To ..]
If I were hubby and truly at my wits end, I'd start treating her like the child she is being and if she can't or won't learn time management techniques, then he needs to leave without her so that at least he is on time. I think a couple of times of that and she might figure things out.

Well - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't think leaving without a child is teaching the kid anything. They need you to teach them, gently but firmly coach them, help them with the clock, etc., not leave without them.

But this person is an adult, so if she isn't willing to find methods to help herself, which I'm sure have all been suggested to her, the husband should leave without her. He should also pack up the kids if they are required to be there, so that they learn that we can't sit around waiting and be late because of this one person who does this, for whatever reason. It is blatant disrespect to be late over and over and over again for everything, and the kids need to learn this.

This is not a cut-down. This person has some sort of problem and I'm quite sure there is some sort of help for her. Her friend has had lots and lots and lots of good suggestions here.

She will change - only

[ In Reply To ..]
when she has more to lose by being late than by continuing her selfish behavior. She has nothing to lose now because apparently everyone tolerates her behavior. Stop tolerating it and she will change.

Also - This type of person...

[ In Reply To ..]
...is late to the doctor, beauty shop, etc., and the next person in line for the appointment is not taken on time for his or her appointment. It puts the doc, beautician, etc., in a very bad spot.

This type of behavior has a domino effect on everyone. It causes a lot of awkward moments---like holding dinner for the one lone late-comer.

If her husband has a backbone, he'll start leaving without her. Otherwise, he's just being weak---and people will/probably do get mad at him as well for being late.

This woman should not have had a child. She cries that she can't manage her time, then decides having a child is a good plan?? I hope her husband is planning to be in charge of all the child's needs now.

To the OP: Please take these suggestions to your friend. I'm guessing she has already heard them from her husband, other family members, friends,etc., though.

Nobody is trying to be mean here--when people have troubles, it's very sad, but they can't just cry and hope everyone feels sorry for them----they have to take charge somehow.

People have all sorts of challenges--this is hers and she is allowing it to disrupt everyone's life.

For Rose, the OP - To Help Your Friend

[ In Reply To ..]
Rose- Okay, let's just narrow this down so you can suggest all the suggestions here to your friend, without any judgment. I have to assume people have suggested these to her before in her life, but maybe she'll listen to you.

1) First, find out what the problem is. If she has an OCD-type of disorder that is causing the disruption, she can get some professional help with that. Ditto with an ADHD situation.

2) If she thinks this is just a simple management problem, she can use "tricks" by adjusting the clock. If she is consistently 1/2 hour late for everything, then all the clocks need to be set accordingly---and ditto for 1 hour late, etc.

3) If she doesn't know 10 minutes from 40 minutes, she can set little alarms at each 10-minute interval so that she has a frame of reference of 10 minutes.

4) If she spends too much time, say, in the shower before she needs to leave, ditto on an alarm clock. She can allow however much time she needs in there, but has to make the adjustment with her other activities. If she needs 20 minutes, 30 mintues, an hour, whatever in the shower, she has to add that all up with all else she needs to do to get ready.

5) If she has paid zero attention to prompts by her husband throughout the period of time during getting ready (which I'm sure he constantly prompts her), then she has to start paying attention to her husband instead of ignoring him.

6) No playing the victim here if she is doing zilch to correct the problem.

I think you got defensive for your friend and didn't realize all the good suggestions that were presented here. Understandable, but you have to realize that she likely has more control than you are willing to believe, and she is making no steps to truly solve her problem.

Also, realize that your friend has decided she is mature enough to have a child, so she should be mature enough to take the bull by the horns and see what's going on with her that she is so consistently and blatantly late.

My sister-in-law - Mary

[ In Reply To ..]
I have a sister-in-law with the same problem. For years and years, literally decades, we let her get away with making everyone else wait for her. Finally, we had had enough. We told her, you'll get here whenever you get here. We went ahead with functions on time. As soon as she realized she was the only one missing out on life, she started showing up on time.

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Nov 07, 2012
The Republican ticket may hail from Massachusetts and Wisconsin, butMitt Romney and Paul Ryan head the most Southernized major U.S. political party since Jefferson Davis’s day. In its hostility toward minorities, exploitation of racism, antipathy toward government and suspicion of science, today’s Republican Party represents the worst traditions of the South’s dankest backwaters. No other party in U.S. history has done such a 180. Founded as the party of t ...

Nov 08, 2012
“After we win this election, it’s our turn. Payback time. Everyone not with us is against us and they better be ready because we don’t forget. The ones who helped us will be rewarded, the ones who opposed us will get what they deserve. There is going to be hell to pay. Congress won’t be a problem for us this time. No election to worry about after this is over and we have two judges ready to go.” She was talking directly to a ...

Nov 28, 2012
Get your tickets out people!!!! ...

May 15, 2013
Okay, I think we all know how the human brain works. If you don't, there's a brilliant free online textbook written by J. Richards Heuer describing all of the ways our minds can be hijacked. Other sources, too, of course. "Cognitive dissonance" is a very important concept, in its most simple terms referring to the tricky ways that the mind has of side-stepping evidence that doesn't conform to our preconceived ideas, or evidence that contradicts decisions that we' ...

Jul 15, 2013
There was this stranger in my neighborhood. He was pausing and looking around. He had something in his hand. So I did what any righteous American would do. I called out: "Hi. Need some help?" ...