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Is it proper

Posted: Jan 8, 2010

Is it proper to send a sympathy card to a relative? My aunt called me yesterday (she lives in another state) to tell me my cousin died on Christmas eve. I feel like garbage because I sent her a comical Christmas card (which I always do). They know of course that there was no way for me to know, but I don't think they liked the card (who can blame them knowing this now). So I was just wondering if it's proper to send a sympathy card or not. She's one of the types of persons who knows etiquettes, and I don't want her coming back at me. It truly saddens me about my cousin. He was like a little brother growing up. Came on our vacations and stayed with us a lot. I was told he had a lot of health problems over the past year or so and was suffering from depression terribly. He never married and broke up with his girlfriend a long time ago (more than a year - they were together for 18 years) and he never got over that. I am just truly saddened that his last years were so hard on him. He was an adorable little boy I used to play games with and he passed away in his early 40s. Just would like to know if a sympathy card is proper or just a regular note card with a letter.

Thanks, M

;

I sure hope so. - sigh

[ In Reply To ..]
I sent one to my aunt who lives up north when her daughter (my cousin) died last year. She actually called and thanked me for thinking of doing that.

My cousin was a great childhood friend, too, though we only saw each other about once a year. We always had a couple weeks in the summer and always had a blast. Her death really threw me.

(((Mary)))

sympathy card definitely - Sr. Wordsmith

[ In Reply To ..]
My husband had a loss in his family at the holidays, we received funny cards, pictures, etc., at Christmas and when I let people know about the death, some friends sent sympathy cards which were greatly, highly appreciated. My family who I called and also E-mailed about the death never bothered, I want to slap them in the head and ask them what is wrong with them. Guess I'm old fashioned but I always send a sympathy card. I keep a few ahead just in case. I also bought some black and white stationery to answer thank you for my husband but you don't send them for cards received, just flowers, plants, spiritual bouquets, etc. Sadly, he only got one. What is wrong with the world??? Send a card, etiquette says within 30 days but I say just send it anytime, it will always reflect well on you.

Sympathy card with a short letter... - clunybrown

[ In Reply To ..]
Mary: I'm so sorry for your loss. When you send the card, I would also include a short letter/note to your aunt. It's obvious you have very fond memories of your cousin and I think it might really help her to hear that. What you said in your post about him being like a little brother and your memories of going on vacation with him was really touching. I think your aunt would be touched too.

She would probably love to read all the nice things you said - about your cousin in your post above. sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I would definitely send a card or a note telling her all the good things you remember about him, etc.

Recent death - MT55

[ In Reply To ..]
Hi Mary, sorry to hear of your recent loss, but what I have done in the past is I have a link to my hometown paper abd can opeb the obituaries that way -- there is a site called www.legacy.com, which is like an open guestbook, and you can put your thoughts feelings and condolences there -- also, you may wish to contact the funeral home and ask if the family of the decedent has requested a feature like that sometimes the mortuary has their own service such as that. HTH

oops typos with worn out keys and typinng too fast - MT55

[ In Reply To ..]
typing too fast, some keys worn and part of the lights out -- plus beat to boot!!! :)

sympathy card - old and frustrated MT

[ In Reply To ..]
Definitely send one. People really appreciate them and it means a lot later on when they look back. Sorry about your loss. Around the holidays it is especially hard.

card to relative - MT30+

[ In Reply To ..]
Please accept my condolences on the loss of your cousin. I just lost my oldest son on December 23. From expereince I can say, send the card. Whatever your gut reaction is don't second guess it, just do it. They are much appreciated believe me. My son was 35 years old and we still don't know what happened and are awaiting toxicology results of his autopsy.

God bless you

TO MT30+ - old MT

[ In Reply To ..]
Please accept my sympathy. There is no greater loss than that of a child. Take care of yourself and know others are thinking of you!

To MT30+ - Fingers

[ In Reply To ..]
Please accept my sincere and deep sympathy for your loss. I cannot imagine your pain. I hope you find peace in knowing he is in the arms of the angels.

God bless you.

My sincerest condolences to you - Mary

[ In Reply To ..]
Thank you for your message, and my sincerest sympathy to you. I have heard losing a child is the greatest loss anyone could suffer. My mom told me that when she talked about losing my baby sister when she was 18 months. 35 years is so young. I wish you and your family all the best and hope you are able to make it through.

Thank you everyone - see message - Mary

[ In Reply To ..]
Thank you everyone for your messages and in helping me to decide what to do. I am going to send her and my uncle a nice sympathy card, with a letter telling her all the nice memories of my cousin and I and what we used to do as kids. It's kind of a strange situation here. She asked me to keep this to myself. She has not told my sister yet as she says she does not think she could handle it (my sister is the kind of person who talks over you and lectures and you can hardly ever finish your sentence without her giving input), so for me it's easy anyway since I don't live back there and don't talk to my sister often. I talk to my dad once a month or two. So I'm not sure when she'll tell my sister, and that is her prerogative. Anyway...there is no funeral (probably will be a short grave site service once spring comes), but no obituary in the paper or anything. For some reason she doesn't want one. She wants this to remain quiet while they are trying to get through it and clean out his apartment. He had very few friends, if any, was unemployed and lived alone, so there is really not anyone who would know this happened for word to get around, which is also another very sad thing. My uncle is going through horrible grief now, so I hope my words of what he meant to me growing up and things we did, games we played, etc, will help them to know how much I love him. What's strange is after I left home some 30 years ago we kind of lost touch, but we would see each other when I'd go back to visit, and every once in awhile I'd talk to him over the phone. He was a great prankster and would often call trying to do a prank call. He used to be able to pull it off until I got caller ID. HA HA. But it's weird that in later years we were not as close as we were growing up, but whenever I think of him during the day it's hard to stop from crying. I just remember what a sweet boy he was who shared my bedroom with me (my room was equipped with bunk beds), and we'd play cowboys and indians, tag, hide and seek, went sledding and ice skating in the winter and other games kids play together. Just very sad.

Thank you all for your wishes and notes. It's helped me to decide to write my aunt and uncle a letter with a card.

Thanks again,
Mary

Mary.... - Fingers

[ In Reply To ..]
This is very proper and appropriate. While you are at it, you might want to share the thoughts with his family that you shared here with us. It would mean a lot.

You have my sympathy.

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