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Is it proper - update

Posted: Jan 29, 2010

I wrote awhile back asking if it was proper to send relatives a sympathy card. Just wanted to let you know I took all your advice, wrote some nice words about my cousin and heard that my card and words were greatly appreciated and touched their hearts. On a sadder note, I heard from two of my brothers that unfortunately they believe my cousins death was most likely a suicide. There is too much evidence leading, but his brother, sister and mom went over to clean up his apartment and if there was anything indicating that it would have been cleaned up, and they would never let anyone know if it was suicide. I can't tell you how much it hurts to know that this wonderful person I grew up with and was like a brother to me had such a hard time in the end that felt he needed to do that. All I know is he at least he is no longer hurting in this physical life, and hope he is joined with other loved ones who are taking care of him and helping him deal with whatever goes on after life. My heart still aches and I find myself teary many days thinking about him and knowing he was all alone in the end and felt he had no other options. I will always miss his smile and the talks we shared.

;

Mary - sigh

[ In Reply To ..]
I answered your previous post, stating that I sure hoped a card was appropriate as I'd sent one to my cousin's family when she died. Not sure you remember, but that's okay.

I feel for you, I really do. The death of a loved one is hard to take, but suicide is especially so. However, please remember that your cousin was an adult and had the right to make that choice for herself. That may sound harsh, and I know many will disagree, but I come to realize the truth of it when a dear friend of mine made that decision himself a few years ago. His family and other friends were devastated, but he had his reasons, and I knew that. Please don't misunderstand. I missed him, I was sad, I felt guilty thinking I could have somehow changed things, but I did not (and still do not)think I could make that kind of choice for his life. It was HIS life, HIS decision, and I know it was not an easy choice.

If this was the case with your cousin, allow this person the dignity of making that decision for herself. As much as we try to understand, we cannot walk in another's shoes.

Please don't blame yourself. Please. She wouldn't want that.

(((Mary)))

Forgive me for saying "she" instead of "he". nm - sigh

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

Thank you sigh - see message - Mary

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't blame myself at all. There is nothing I could have done. I don't live in the same area. I think from watching John Edwards I understand about suicides a little more. I believe like he says that on the other side they are going to have to work out or deal with some things. I'm just very sad that he felt he had no other options and took that route. The decision was his entirely, but I'm just sad about his decision. I do wish I lived closer so I could have been more help to him, but I sure don't blame myself for that. I'm just sad his life wasn't better for him between difficulties with health problems and break of up a very long relationship (I think they were together something like 16 or so years) he was so depressed over that. I wish I was there to have been able to help him, to have him come and live with me. I would have taken care of him. But again I don't blame myself at all. Just wish things had turned out different. On a brighter note I asked my aunt if she could send me a picture or two, which she is more than happy to because she has 2 photo albums. I wish him all the best in his "new life" and hope he is at peace now. I believe my grandparents and mom (and other relatives we grew up with) are there to help him.

P.S. - Not a problem about you using she. :-) I saw your message below.

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