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My mom and her cell phone
Posted: Jan 7, 2015
After years of hounding my mom and dad about not having a cell phone especially when driving long distances in our cold, wintry state, my mom actually went out all on her own and bought an inexpensive prepaid cell phone. She is very proud of the fact that she has a cell phone and knows how to add minutes, etc. The problem is that she will NOT turn it on because it "runs down the battery." My brothers and I have explained about the cell phone charger until we are practically blue in the face, and she agrees to use it, but she still apparently does not turn the phone on. Now, she and my dad will be going south for their first winter as snowbirds (with no land line), and I flat out asked my mom how she expects us to contact them if she doesn't turn her cell phone on, and she just kind of ignored me. My friend's 95-year-old father has a cell phone, so I asked him how he got his dad to keep his cell phone turned on, and my friend said he never showed his dad how to shut it off--just how to plug it in at night on his nightstand! I wish I'd thought of that, but unfortunately my mom knows how to use the cell phone. Can anyone think of a gentle way to get my message across that we are concerned about them being away from us for the first time and for our own peace of mind we need to know how to reach them??
;
Well, - maybe
[ In Reply To ..]phrase it so it's not about them. Ask your mom how you are supposed to get in touch with her if something should happen to YOU or another family member and wouldn't she want to know immediately?
My parents are in their 80s and I'm very point blank with them. It's the only way now or they just don't get it.
Snowbirds - Floridian
[ In Reply To ..]This sounds like early dementia, frankly. My mother did it for 10 years before her dementia became obvious. The almost perseverative way she goes back to her belief system, or to what SHE wants, about the phone, and the way she "just kind of ignored" you are the key.
She has a reason for turning off that phone -- you just don't know what it is. My guess is that she got the phone to keep calls from coming in at all.
I find the snowbird scenario an issue. Living in Florida, I know that snowbird season starts in late October, not mid-January. The fact that your parents are coming so late may be poor planning or judgement, or impulsivity.
Regardless, you can't helicopter-kid your parents. I would do exactly what the person above suggested and ask your mom how to contact her if YOU get sick or die. The first time she fails to answer, contact the local police to check on them. That response got results with my mom. She turned the darned phone back on and left it on.
Northern bird - sm
[ In Reply To ..]That is interesting what you said about arriving late. Is it because there is no where to stay?
Most of our friends and relatives leave for the south after the holidays because we like a white snowy Christmas with our loved ones. Some have motorhomes or have purchased places in the south. There are a few who cannot tolerate the cold who leave earlier, but not many.
I have not yet joined the migration, but plan to do so soon and plan on a January departure date. We plan to just travel around at first and not settle in any place. Do you have recommendations or suggestions regarding planning?
Come on down -- 35 degrees here tonight near Fort Myers - nn
[ In Reply To ..]Temps currently in the low 50s and down to about 35 here tonight. I'm about 40 minutes north of Fort Meyers. As far as campgrounds, I would see if you could find a campground directory and it really depends on where you want to stay in FL.
Nowhere to stay? No, because it will be 90 degrees - again in a month. Why bother?
[ In Reply To ..]NM
I really hate having a phone, just a bother - especially when they come
[ In Reply To ..]in, always when I am out and about, not when I am at home which is usually most hours most days. I do not keep up with the phone and before going thru blue tooth in the car when it would ring never could find, irritating. My daughter who is grown wants me to have the new and latest in phones. I do not want, have a flip phone and refuse to buy anything else. There are times when I run errands and forget to take the phone along because just not tied to it.
Unplugged and untethered - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Being a stay-at-home MT, I do not like to keep my cell phone on at home either. I prefer people call me on the landline or e-mail. I basically turn on my cell when I am out and about, for making calls, not receiving them, because I am busy then and do not want people calling me when I am driving, etc.
However, I did get a cell for the exact purpose of traveling. I suggest that when they leave, send a text every day so she enjoys hearing from you. I think eventually she will have it on most of the time. Send a funny picture. Make it fun, not another responsibility.
I agree - clyde
[ In Reply To ..]Your parents are traveling together, and I think it's great that they now have a cell phone. However, a cell phone is only great in an emergency if the person who has the emergency can call out, and she obviously knows how to turn the phone on and off and knows how to make calls on it, so that base is covered.
As we age, our fears become different. We used to fear that something bad would happen to our children, or the house would catch fire, the IRS would audit us, or the car would break down. As we become older, though, we fear our independence being taken away...the ability to drive, travel alone, take a nap in the middle of the day and have one of our children find us and think we're dead. Let your mom and dad have this trip and truly enjoy it without having to worry that you are worried about them. You calling all the time would only tell them that you don't believe they can handle a trip without you, and if they truly can't handle it without you, let them discover that on their own.
I think sending them a funny text every couple of days is a great idea. When she turns on her phone, likely she'll see your text and respond and put your mind at ease...on her terms.
Great observations and advice - NIK
[ In Reply To ..]Thanks to everyone for their comments, but especially about making the cell phone "fun" and not a responsibility. I'm going to try that. I was also thinking maybe I was inadvertently scaring my mom by implying that something bad could/would happen. I guess I am nervous about them being so far away. As clyde pointed out, they do know how to use the phone for an emergency, so that is covered. Ironically, I am about one step up from my mom as I have a flip phone I use when I travel. But I do turn it ON. (Always startled when it rings, however ;-)) I don't like the concept of being at the world's beck and call, so I use my phone rarely.
Random thoughts: As MTs we see so much dementia it is easy to ascribe it to older people who don't act the way we think they should/want them to. Sometimes it's easier to assume "dementia" because in a way that frees us from having to find a way to deal with people as individuals with their own personalities.
On snowbirding and FLorida: As someone said, many people prefer to leave after the holidays. In our area most snowbirds go to Arizona (no humidity) and seem to have no problem finding housing. My parents are in their 70s and newly retired, so they are trying it out. They have some friends who went last year but are not going this year because they got bored. It does break up the monotony of a long winter in any case.
Oh man, what a great idea! - Mary
[ In Reply To ..]My kids are always fussing at me about not being able to reach me. May I quote you on your idea and share it with them? They would really get a laugh out of it!!!
I would offer to pay for a land line wherever they're staying sm - my exp
[ In Reply To ..]because I don't think you're ever going to get through to her regarding the phone.
It may be she doesn't know how to use the phone itself or isn't interested in it. Some older people are tech-y and many are not.
If you need to reach her to feel okay, I think you need to offer to have a land line installed in their winter home.
You did not say how old your mother or - father is- NM
[ In Reply To ..]l
I disagree... - Mary
[ In Reply To ..]I hope this won't rub you the wrong way, but here is one way she may be looking at the situation: I am sooooo not a phone person, and it drives my kids crazy when they cannot immediately reach me on the phone. I try to tell them that I did not grow up in a constantly-reachable time period. I don't like the idea of being constantly "online." I like to use the phone for my own purposes, i.e., when I have information to share, I have control over it. On the other hand, I can definitely understand my children's desire to be able to reach me. They were absolutely right in at least one instance when one of my daughters developed a pulmonary embolus and was emergently admitted to the hospital. Fortunately, the kids were able to reach us via my husband, who always answers his phone. I don't know what it is, maybe I have a phone phobia, but I feel stressed if I always have to be by the phone waiting for the ball to drop or something bad to happen. Anyway, hope things work out with your Mom. Perhaps you could ask her to just turn it on at particular set times each day so you can reach her, and then she could turn it off? Say, a set time each like 3:00 p.m., talk, then turn off. Good luck!
Also good advice - Nik
[ In Reply To ..]Having a set time a day to turn on the phone is a good start. I'll see what works for them when they get there. Thanks Mary.
Maybe they don't want to be contacted. - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Sounds like you are trying to force her to do what you want her to do. And no, this is not dementia.
I have a cell phone and I don't turn it on. If I want to talk to someone I will call them. If I have an emergency I know how to turn on the phone and call 911. I don't want people calling me all the time when I'm out. They know how to leave a message on my voice mail and I will call them back.
Tell your mom you'll leave her voice messages on her cell phone and ASK her to check the messages at night. Maybe let your mom live her life the way she wants to live it. Not everyone spends their life talking on a cell phone all day.
I agree with you, only want to talk when - I have the time and no dementia
[ In Reply To ..]playing in here. I think most today are consumed with phones. I remember trying to dig in my heels the first time my husband suggested even getting me a cell phone, did not want. I went out of town quite often visiting family and thought did not need. He insisted, got me one. I sometimes leave in another room and find myself usually having to go there to retrieve once it is ringing. People are so attached but not everyone. Mine is a problem. I have even told offices I will call them, not to call me because mine is considered a work number - which it really is- and against the law for people to call when you ask them not to. It works really well in this regard. I never miss appointments, write them all down in my daily activity book.
My Opinion - see msg
[ In Reply To ..]My take on this? Let her be. She may be rebelling a bit--she's wanting to be independent. If you don't see any signs of dementia or other problems, just let her have it her way for now.
I am betting that once she gets to FL, she's going to feel isolated from her family and having her cell phone on will give her some sort of feeling of connection to her family.
I will say this. I live in FL, and we have elderly snowbirds everywhere, many of whom are our friends. Their phones ring constantly when we're all together. I finally asked them to turn them off because it has gotten annoying when we have them over for dinner and such.
I asked them why they keep their cell phones on, and they said if the don't answer a call, the family members all worry.
So, lighten up on this some. Let them relax and enjoy themselves. They'll have that cell phone turned on in no time.
Oh, the person who said (basically) that snowbird season starts in October is correct, but it peaks in Jan/Feb. Many people wait until after the holidays to come down, so they don't have to fly back for the holidays. It's not unusual at all for snowbirds to wait until January to come down.
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