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Getting someone to leave you alone

Posted: Apr 29, 2013

My husband and I had a rough patch and separated about a year ago and I started seeing another guy. I KNOW I shoudl have waited until divorced, I was wrong and I didn't. Problem is, now husband and I worked out our issues and the other guy will not leave me alone. I CONSTANTLY called, before I changed my number, contacts me online, writes me actual letters in the mail, telling me how much he loves me and will not give up on me. I have told him and told him that I want my husband, not him, to move on and he refuses. He also constantly talks about me to other people, which I shouldn't care about gossip, but that makes it hard on me and my husband moving forward.

I live in a small town and I would like him to go away, with as least "publicity" as possible. I looked up restraining orders and apparently I can't get one of those (I live in GA) because he never caused harm to me, but I could apply for a stalking order to keep him away. With the stalking order, him and I would have several court dates where I would have to prove he is stalking me (I have letters) and he would have the opportunity to state why he isn't stalking me. I really, really don't want court or a long drawn out process and I don't understand why if I say "leave me alone" I even need to go to court for that.

Does anyone know if there is an easier way to make someone leave you alone? It would seem if you told someone and they said no, then the police could just tell them, I don't know.

Thanks.

;

the best way to get him to leave you alone - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
is to not respond to him in any way, shape, or form. Do NOT tell him anything. Do NOT respond to his mail. Do not open his mail. Throw it away.

How does he contact you online? Is it through public sites like Facebook? If so, block him. Do NOT respond. Stop visiting any sites he uses to pursue you. Stop saying "leave me alone". It only continues the drama. Say nothing.

Is your husband aware that this man is bothering you? It's not clear from your post. As for the gossip - how do you know about it? Are people telling you? If so, cut them off at the pass and let them know you are not interested in hearing it. Do NOT entertain stories about what he says or does.

I already ignore him. - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
I no longer respond back to letters. I was writing "refused" on them and having them sent back to him. I stopped this, because my husband thought I should have them as "documentation" in case I needed them. I now open them and keep them, but never, ever respond.

I have facebook and he is blocked, but he opens new accounts daily to email me. I don't respond and I block the new user.

My husband has a VERY large and VERY gossiping family and they are the ones that continuously come and tell us stuff he has said. We have told them that we are not interested in ANYTHING about him, but they continue to do it.

stalker - mt

[ In Reply To ..]
Disagree. Don't believe "if you ignore it, it will go away." Also, I would never cut off people who told me what was being said about me.

Talk is cheap so the saying goes - P

[ In Reply To ..]
First of all I cannot imagine having other people tell me what someone would say about me, and, so? What difference does it make anyway? I personally would think people telling you things just want to keep the pot stirred. My mother used to say the same thing, "ignore it and it will go away." I believe that and have told others. When you let a person get next to you, that is what they want. The more you talk about it, the more it stays the same. Unless the person is coming to my home or accosting me on the streets, I see countless numbers of ways to blot them from your life.

if you don't want to dance, you have to stop the music - nm

[ In Reply To ..]

I have stopped it! - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
I have told him not to contact me, changed my phone numbers, told everyone to stop telling me about him, blocked him from online accounts and am saving/documenting his contact. I ignore contact from him also. I am going to go to the police department to start a stalking claim, but I just wanted to know if there was something different I could do, as the drama of that is going to be exhausting. I cannot move, I have kids who have been in school here all of their lives.

Obviously what you are doing is not enough. - You have to keep going

[ In Reply To ..]
until he is out of your life completely. You will have to go as far as you can go to win this.

(I was responding to the other poster - not you) - nm

[ In Reply To ..]

No, there is no drama in getting an order - crane

[ In Reply To ..]
I divorced my husband of 10 years eons ago. He had never hurt me, never been violent, but he had hunting rifles that he had taken with him along with his possessions when we split up.

I got thinking about the hunting rifles, got kind of scared, went down to the police department, told them we were getting a divorce, that my husband had hunting rifles and I was scared because he had guns and we were divorcing. They said okay, here's what you need, we'll get you a temporary restraining order, they put a call in to the judge and 15 minutes later I had the restraining order in hand, and of course my husband was notified of it. That's really all there is to it. At that initial stage there is about as much drama to it as checking out a book in a library, and most of the time just the fact that you went to the police station and got the temporary order is enough to stop most people from harassing you further without having to go into the after 30 day court deals and such.

I never did anything with mine except to get one, and let it expire after the 30 days. But there was another benefit in getting that, because during, after and years after the divorce my ex husband never contacted me, never called, never bothered me ever again, because I initially went to the police and got a temporary restraining order.

Restraining and stalking orders are very effective, and very undramatic.

I think I remember your post from a while ago - where you mentioned this.

[ In Reply To ..]
I too had to get someone out of my life that I had an affair with and me and my husband had worked it out too. First of all, I changed my cell phone, my email address, we moved to another city, (actually we moved about 5 times.) I do not and still do not have Facebook or any other means to contact me on the internet (other than email.) But I chose an email address that doesn't have my name in it or any identifying info like that where he could find it. I do know where he lives and I do not drive anywhere near that area, and if I do, I have my husband with me, and lastly I got a restraining order and yes I had to go to court twice to get it, but it was worth the fight. It was extremely scary and I was visibly shaking I was that scared, but it got granted after the 2nd time of going to court. I never looked at him at all during court. I refused to lay my eyes on him, also sending the message that we were done.

I remember saying in a previous post how easy it is to dig the hole and so very hard to get out of it. This is the example of how hard it is to get out of the hole. You have to fight the hardest fight you have ever fought to save your marriage and get this man out of your life. You see, we were still married when we got involved with these men, now they don't take our word seriously because we were obviously "wooed" being married. They think they can get to us again as they did the 1st time, but you can rid of him. It is painful,emotionally draining and it just sinks in as to the damage caused by this. But there is hope. You have to not want him to contact you and absolutely have no way of him contacting you at all. It can be done. It is just your choice and how hard you want to fight to get rid of him. The ball is in your court now. It was the fight of my life, but it worked. He is out of our lives, my life, my children's lives (he even went through them and my mom to get to me.)

I don't know where you're at spiritually, but if you have a relationship with Jesus Christ, start there by getting on your knees and asking God to help you with this situation (if you haven't already.) That's what I did...I turned from that lifestyle and got right with God, then the healing came, but I still had to fight so hard to get out of what I allowed and created. Please keep us posted on the progress, or if you want, you can email me if you want to talk further about it. I have talked to many women in this situation. I will be praying for you. This is very stressful and painful, but there is hope for a new life :-)

report every contact to your local police - start documenting

[ In Reply To ..]
If there is email/FB contact, print it out, go to the police department and report it. You can opt to have them not take action at the moment of reporting. but you need to report it. And it is best if you don't tell anyone (family or otherwise) that you are doing it. Of course, you cannot stop other people from repeating gossip if someone in the PD or your husband repeats it. Just don't talk about it to anyone else. You have a certain amount of time from each reporting incident to initiate action.

If you get letters, take them unopened to the police and report it. Let them enter it into evidence.

If anyone reports to you that he has contacted them, write it down in a notebook that is solely for reporting purposes. Without any emotion, write down what was said to you, by whom, what time of day, the date. Make a copy of that page and go to the police department to report it.

Once you have a few weeks of report, then file for the stalker injunction.

My former stalker stopped when his buddy in the police department told him how often I was coming in, and I did not have to take further action. Maybe that will be all your stalker needs, just to know you are serious. Don't think it is going to go away by just ignoring it. It usually doesn't. The only thing worse than being stalked for weeks and months is being stalked for years. You are the only one in a position of doing anything about it.

BTW, if you happen to drive out of your town and get a call from him on your cell phone, the police need you to report it in whatever jurisdiction you are in, not wait until you return to your home jurisdiction.

good luck with getting it stopped. you can do it.

Oh lovely, a stalker ex. - Been there, terrifying.

[ In Reply To ..]
I had to do the following:

Changed my # 3 times (someone gave it to him a couple times, never found out who).

Changed my email address twice.

Canceled Facebook and never went back on (it was SO worth it and by far the best thing I did).

Not answer the door unless I know who it is (I have a peephole).

This ex had actually destroyed 98% of my property and I could have easily taken him to court and destroyed him, but I that would have meant more contact, so I let it go. I believe I would have regretted dragging things out with an ugly court battle.

Some info and advice - me3

[ In Reply To ..]
http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?id=501&state_code=GA

Go down to the police station and tell them you need a stalking order. The judge will issue you a temporary order. No judge will NOT issue a temporary because of the ramifications if one is not issued and "something really horrible happens to you because the judge didn't issue an order." From there you have 30 days for both you and he to appear in front of the judge. You don't have to follow up on it within 30 days if he cuts it out.

That will put an end to your "stalking problem." That guy, unless he is more than just a guy who cannot get over being "in love" with you, will stop as soon as he realizes that you are serious about this, and the law is now involved, etc.

On the outside chance that this guy keeps it up, then he is, in fact, a person who zeros in on people and stalks them for whatever reasons he has, then you really need that stalking order and can legally further it within 30 days.

http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?id=501&state_code=GA

What is the legal definition of stalking in Georgia?

Stalking is defined as when someone:

1. Follows you;
2. Places you under surveillance; or
3. Contacts you (in person, by phone, email, etc.) without your permission for the purpose of “harassing or intimidating” you.*

“Harassing or intimidating” you means that the stalker does repeated acts that cause you to reasonably fear for the safety of yourself or a member of your immediate family and that cause you emotional distress (harm). Even if s/he does not specifically threaten to physically harm you, his/her behavior could still be considered “harassing or intimidating.”**

* O.C.G.A. § 16-5-90(a)(1)
** See, for example, Benton v. State, 256 Ga.App. 620 (2002)

stalking - mt

[ In Reply To ..]
Good information!

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