Super-PACS and "Wacko Birds." No, really.

Posted: Apr 9, 2015

Nixon once said what would prophetically become the mantra of the ultra-neoconservative: "People react to fear, not love; they don't teach that in Sunday School, but it's true." I am typically immune to most of those now-tired party tactics, much like the villagers in the story of the "boy who cried wolf." Instead, I have gone past annoyed with it and now straight to mystified by the never-ending gullibility of other villagers, who know there's no actual wolf, but just seem to want to live in fear anyway, all the time. Today, however, was an exception. Because I just read the scariest thing I've seen in a while that I'm trying to pretend isn't true. An actually true wolf story! And it's from the left? http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/groups-backing-ted-cruz-raise-31-million-in-a-single-week/2015/04/08/36defc18-de0c-11e4-a1b8-2ed88bc190d2_story.html Now that the WP says it, I am almost in a panic, for two reasons. Not because I think Ted Cruz is at all a viable candidate or an experienced leader at that level, nor is he an actual serious threat to anyone at all, now or in the next several centuries until after there's been some sort of apocalypse perhaps. But the first reason I'm scared would be because I agree with John McCain when he called Ted Cruz a "wacko bird" for his extremist black/white thinking and general Puritanical religious beliefs that call to mind Salem in 1692. (Ya know, the main reason we realized separation of church and state was necessary, as well as the need for a more precise and methodical justice system?) Secondly, I can't believe this man could actually beat out Jeb Bush for the party's nomination simply because he raises the most money through super-PAC donations! That's the scariest thing our forefathers never counted on nor intended - that lobbyists and PAC donations could still get Harvard-educated-but-still-a-wacko-bird Puritans elected to high political designations in 2016! As much as I don't see anyone worth a vote yet for 2016 and considered abstaining, I may end up voting for Hillary, just so she can be the cat that kept away the wacko birds, who beat out some actually sane Republican cats for the party nomination! I really don't like to vote someone in just to keep someone else out. However, it's becoming sort of an emergency. Modern civilization as we know it is apparently devolving more than I realized. I know, I've heard Hillary's a witch, but then isn't everybody according to puritans? The good news for some will then be perhaps Brother Cruz, under now federal religious freedom law, could now force her by law to embroider a scarlet "W is for Witch" on her chest. Then people can lock her in a real stockade and throw actual rotten eggs at her head all day in real life, rather than throwing stale, unoriginal jokes on political forums every day. And all those gays his supporters don't want served? Not to worry! Under federal religious freedom law, no longer will there be a need to ask embarrassing questions about sexual preference to determine whether you want to serve them or not - they'll be much easier to spot because they'll be forced to self-identify by embroidering scarlet letters too, giant "G's" on their chest as well! Ah, puritanical branding, hasn't our society missed it so? We haven't seen it in this country since 1692, but we did see it in the 1930s and 1940s in Europe, when people were branded with a golden star by another charismatic wacko-bird, but apparently, this idea is making a strong comeback! Yay! Aren't you excited??? Oh, good times are ahead for America, people! Because we're all going to take a super-fun trip back in time as a civilization, to a time when people actually cared less about their fellow man and the value of human life than now, despite the fact that some people still erroneously and inexplicably believe people had "greater family values" in times past. In fact, if Ted is elected, we will probably devolve much further, so that the next stop back in our trip in time will be when Emperor Ted "Nero" Cruz plays the violin while the once-Republic of Rome burns. And hey, for his more overly-sadistic loyal followers, you can now join in on the fun by feeding gays, Dems, independents and Christians who don't agree with you to the lions! Hooray! (And a maniacal "LOL, ROFL, LMBO" and "first belly laugh I've had all day" comments were heard from the bowels of the deep southern aspect of the romper room.) Or, perhaps you would prefer that he simply enslave them as reality-tv hunger-games gladiators in the coliseum for your entertainment? As always, Right-wing extremist choice (or else) only, of course! ;