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hurt

Posted: May 4, 2011

Last night my husband was asleep on the couch. He had been sleeping for about 4 hours. He woke up and I had asked him if he was feeling okay since he had been sleeping pretty much all afternoon/evening. Nothing rude about it, I was just concerned. He then proceeded to say to me "yeah, why would I want to stay up and hang out with your boring ass all night long?" I didn't even know what to say to that. I just went to bed and cried myself to sleep. Now I am having a bit of a complex. Am I really that boring? I ask hm to do things with me all the time, but it is always him with an excuse as to why we can't do this or do that. I work all day long. I get up at 4:00 in the morning to go to work all day. He doesn't work right now and I am struggling with all the bills and the rent and everything all by myself. Some days when I get home from work, it is all I can do to make dinner and tidy up the house if he hasn't done it during the day before all I want to do is sit back and wind down before going to bed. Okay, before this turns into a pity party, I just wanted a bit of advice. Was I being over-sensitive last night by getting really upset about what he said to me? Or was he really being a big mean jerk?

;

It sounds like - been theres

[ In Reply To ..]
your husband may be suffering from depression and feelings of inadequacy about not being employed. In his mind, you are the boss, the breadwinner, and his mommy all wrapped up in one, because you are taking care of everything right now, so basically he was saying, "You can't tell me what to do, you're not the boss of me!" when he answered you last night. Yes, he was being a big, mean jerk, but try not to take it personally. He is probably just feeling horrible right now because he is not living up to his end of your marriage bargain...to take care of you.

Good luck and I hope he finds work soon.

Do not make excuses for this insolent jerk! It doesn't matter what's bugging him... - SaltyMT

[ In Reply To ..]
there's no excuse for treating someone like that ESPECIALLY when he's not working and the OP is paying all the bills! I have absolutely no tolerance for men like this. So he doesn't have a job and he can't find a job. There are millions of people with the same problem. Since his wife is working and paying the bills, he can drag his sorry butt off the couch and clean and cook dinner instead of taking four or five hour naps! It's freaking ridiculous to feel sorry for him because of his "feelings of inadequacy."

Personally, I'd say "If I'm so boring, there's the freaking door! Go find a party!"

Sista, don't pay any attention to what he says. Don't get a complex or lose of one minute of sleep cause he thinks your boring. Yeah, like he's Mr. Excitement sleeping on the couch all day!

MEN!

I'm in the same situation as you (almost) - see message

[ In Reply To ..]
Although my husband would not say something like that to me. Probably because I'd kick his you know what out the door and I'd move back home across country, but also he's just not that type of person to say that. I agree with the poster above. My DH has been out of work for 5-6 years now. Partly because he can't find work and partly because the type of work available he has no interest in doing.

When my DH gets snippy with me (and he does) I ignore him. I've got too much going. I'm the one with the job, I'm the one paying the bills, struggling to makes ends meet, listening to his BS all the time. If I don't do it it won't get done.

Don't take his comment too personally. If I were you and my DH said that to me I'd use the next opportunity when he asks you something I'd say to him "well why do you want my boring ass to do that"?

To answer your last question - yes, he was really being a big mean jerk. If my DH said that to me I'd take an opportunity to say to him. You know I'm the one who has to work here and I'm doing the best I can to pay the bills, and do all the stuff and when you tell me I'm a boring ass person it hurts and if I'm such a boring ass why don't you go find someone who isn't and someone who will put up with your BS because you know what...I don't have to. And stop blaming me because I have a job and you don't. You've been out of work for 6 freekin years and because you can't decide what you want to do with yourself you take it out on me and I don't appreciate that. If you are so unhappy then leave or let me know or something to give me the courtesy so I can plan my future. Oh, sorry, didn't mean to go off, was just starting to picture stuff I'd say to my DH if in that situation.

Wish the best of luck to you sweetie. Don't take things personally. I think he's just going through a bit of depression. My DH is going through it now too. Either way, he was a big fat jerk for saying that and you should tell him not to ever say that to you again even if he's thinking it. I'd say if you can't respect me then leave.

Agree with prior posts - ooo

[ In Reply To ..]
My DH gets in his "moods" too. I have learned to ignore it (for the most part, even though some days it still hurts). When he's sulking about something (lord only knows what). I just put a positive spin on it and think of it as "me time" and go take a long bath or read. I personally think all men should be in therapy! I would just tell him that he did hurt your feelings and you are working your butt off so your family and can survive - you are too exhausted to put up with his "tantrums" and hurtful antics. If he can't be positive like the last poster said - there's the door buddy don't let it hit you in the butt..... Good Luck - but know you are not alone..

Did he apologize? To me, that is the important - thing. Sometimes SM

[ In Reply To ..]
people say hurtful things for whatever reason. If someone cares about you, then they will come back and apologize for it. I absolutely hate this story if there was no apology given. Do not for one minute internalize what he said to you. This is all on him.

Apologies don't make a difference - see message

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm not the one you were replying to and not the OP, but wanted to say apologies don't always mean anything or make a difference. My DH will apologize but it doesn't mean a thing because he doesn't mean it. His sorry's are always in the same tone as "what ever". And I know he doesn't mean it because he never learns from it and will do the same thing in a second.

Actions speak louder than "sorry". And what gets me is when I do something wrong I say "I'm sorry, I didn't mean...." and he never lets me forget I've made a mistake, but for him? forget it. He explained to me once. "It's hard for a guy to say I'm sorry". Well you can imagine what my response was. That was about 24 years ago. Now I just ignore him.

Hurt - BeenThereDoneThat

[ In Reply To ..]
You sound very young and sweet. I remember when I used to be and when similar remarks from my husband would devestate me. Well after a lot of years of holding down the fort and everything else, he has learned that I am worth my weight in gold. He admits that he will never find a better woman or one who loves him nearly as much. He has said the exact (and I mean word-for-word) hateful thing to me and he has said it more than once. I replied,"Well go find yourself some danger and excitement and some venereal disease too while you're at it. You don't like peace and you want to get some hell started. Well, it's plenty of hell outside the door. Go get it." In your case, I hope his mean remark was a rare or a one-time occurrence. You were not over-sensitive. I'm not going to say he was a mean jerk, because I don't know him and anyone can have a bad day. But if he starts making a pattern of such hatefulness, you need to think about backing away from, what sounds like, your 100% selflessness and buy your self a dress, some perfume, a health club membership or whatever would make you feel special and start concentrating on being NICE TO YOU. Hopefully, he was just waking from a bad dream and was moody when he said that.

Thank you for all your replies -

[ In Reply To ..]
He told me I took what he said the wrong way - umm, how was I supposed to take it? - and then apologized to me. I told him I was going to chalk it up to a transient brain infection, because there was no reason for him to talk to me like that, and let it go. All your comments made me realize that maybe he is having a hard time not working right now and maybe I should be a little more sensitive to his situation.

Thanks everyone!

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