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Dazed and hurt

Posted: Mar 1, 2010

I am not sure if this is an advice post or just me needing someone to listen.

After three years of marriage my husband came to me and told me that he was gay. This is my 2nd marriage his 1st and I have a son who adores my present husband. He is a great guy and very kind. He told me in October and swears that he has not been with a man. Which I am sure is true as there have been no signs of cheating or anything like that. Work and car miles are accurate and no strange or out of place phone calls.

I am the only one who knows and he has asked me not to say anything to his family or mine. Which I have no right to do as this is for him to do and not me, I feel. He asked me to stay with him until his parents were gone. I am not sure I can do that. His father is VERY VERY VERY religious and DH said that he married me to take the pressure put on him from his father's concerns of his oldest son being gay. I have run through emotions I did not even think I would. I was angry, hurt, ashamed, confused, and devestated.

My question is, would you stay until your child is out of school? I do not want to move my son again. He will graduate in 5 years and if I leave DH can't make the payments on the things we own without my income. He works as a margin analyst at a large company and if we default on anything he will lose his job. I do not want that to happen either. I told him that I would give him until my son is done with school if we can't get the things sold, pd off, or whatever then I was going. Do you think that is fair? We don't fight and the house is a happy one so I am sure that this will work but what would you do??

I feel bad that he had to do this because of his parents. How sad that they could not accept him for who he is. Not only has he suffered, now I am and in the end his parents will as well.

Thanks for listening. I greatly appreciate it.

Sad wife.

;

I guess I'd stay - For now - BillieRubin

[ In Reply To ..]
Thinking with your head, you have a lot of reasons to stay. People will often tell you you'd be better off to move out, be on your own, but struggling with money worries really sucks.

That being said, your heart might take you elsewhere and you might find you're attracted to someone else, in which case all bets are off.

But for now, I think I'd stay if I were you. My heart goes out to you, because I can only imagine how difficult this is.

To: The wife - married too

[ In Reply To ..]
As long as you get along well, I think you'd be okay to stay for the short-term. I would not put a definite date on it. I would also seek counseling either with a therapist or a clergyman.

It sounds like leaving immediately would cause more problems than it would solve, but I caution you on staying if you meet another man. If you start a relationship with someone else before this one is officially over you will always look like the cheater and the one that caused the marriage to fail.

While you're there for the short-term, you might want to start breaking down the finances so when you are ready to leave, it will be a clean break.

Lastly, his friends and family will find out eventually. I think it's best for him to come clean sooner rather than later. I would also discuss with a counselor how and when to tell your son.

Sad situation but I agree with the other posters - Just my opinion

[ In Reply To ..]
I would also take this opportunity to get my life in order to where financially you all will not be devastated. Emotionally devastated in one thing but to add financial to that that...hard to come back from that. With my first marriage, I married an alcoholic so it is a different scenario, but it did take me four years to finally leave. In the last few years, we lived as "roommates" with no intimacy etc. During this time, I went to college so I could prepare myself for being able to take care of myself and my kids when I did leave. It was the best thing I could have done. I also paid off all my bills. I worked on weekends and at night after school. Anything to get extra money so I could prepare myself. Some days, I think did not I would make it as he was also abusive and tried to make me miserable but you do what you have to do. My heart goes out to you but make a plan and go forward.

You know what, I'd stay a while with conditions (sm) - Ella MT

[ In Reply To ..]
I tried to stay with my ex (totally different situation) for the sake of the kids and did for a long time but he was nearly impossible to live with. I would not agree to stay until his parents are gone...sorry, that is not your fault. He married you under false pretenses and you do not owe him that. But if you want to stay for your son that might be not so bad, but I would want it to be open so that you can date if you want. You should not have to live without a relationship at all for all those years. Maybe even secretly divorce and still live as roommates. I understand that he has suffered but he should not have tricked you into suffering with him. That is very, very unfair. If you are kind enough to not blow his cover, and to even stay a while to continue to cover for him, then he owes you as well... a normal divorce settlement like any other wife would get for whatever reason the husband wanted a divorce. Again, I can see wanting to stay for your son, just look out for yourself too. Don't be too, too nice. It is fine to be kind hearted and to help the guy out, but don't forget that you are a victim in this situation and it sounds like if you don't look out for yourself, your husband sure won't.

and if you do date someone else (sm) - Ella MT

[ In Reply To ..]
Have something in writing that he cannot use it against you. No matter how nice you say he is, if he tricked you into marrying him, knowing he was gay and knowing he was doing it only for his father's benefit, then you cannot totally trust him. So either get a divorce and live in the same house, or have a written agreement, drawn up by an attorney that says your husband is giving you permission to date without any repercussions. Do not be too trusting or gullible...you already did that once by marrying him. Protect yoursel fand your son.

Stay - SC

[ In Reply To ..]
I would stay as you say the home is a happy one, which is more than can be said for the majority of completely straight hetro marriages. Nothing is really different now than before you knew and you were happy, so other than knowning his secret and ONLY IF YOU ARE SURE he will not have sex with another man as so not to bring a potential health risk to you, you could be happy until your son is out of school and then decide where you want to go from there. Just my opinion, but happy is happy.

the wife - Tater tot

[ In Reply To ..]
It is never a good idea to stay for reasons other than a real, true, from the heart desire to be together. Sure, there are people who pull it off, but aren't you hurting enough? I bet you're still in love with him and I can imagine that you're walking around like a zombie, confused, hurt, angry, betrayed...

I'd tell him that is not acceptable and in order to heal, accept this and help both of you move on, you need to separate and divorce. You don't need to tell him to stay out of your life since he and your son are close, but it's a no win situation.

It's up to him to deal with his family, but if they question you, be honest. Tell him you don't want to be part of his betrayal.

Talk it over with him. You can work out an alimony or allowance, or something mutual beneficial for financial sakes, but don't stay there and allow yourself to rot away in the depths of despair playing "pretend-our-marriage-is-so-perfect BS" for his sake.

Pick yourself up and immediately schedule an appointment with a counselor, you are going to need a lot of help and support. Also, remember, you are an example to your children. How will it look in the future when your son finds our the truth? Your example may be harmful to the life decisions he makes in his future.

I wish you the best and remember this: YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS.

I do not understand: After 3 years of marriage - gay/bi-sexual?

[ In Reply To ..]
your husband told you that he is gay? Then he must be bi-sexual, because if he is gay you would have noticed it on your own, or am I missing here something?

Are you saying that you both live in a sexless marriage?

So that his parents and your son are happy and that your son does not have to change schools? Ridiculous!

Believe me, when his parents are gone, he throws you under the bus.

How can you be 100% sure that he does not have a male friend?

This happens often enough. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I have a neighbor who was married for 10 years and had 2 children with her husband when he came out to her. I also have a female friend who was married for about that long and had two children with her husband before she came out to him. Both of these people were in denial or trying to conform to pressures of society. But, if you turn the tables and think about it from a straight viewpoint you might understand it a bit more. Try imagining a world where "normal" is gay/lesbian, but you're straight. To avoid the emotional pain and trauma of not fitting in, of your parents' judgment, or because you simply want very badly to be "normal" yourself, you simply enter into a gay relationship and try to live like a "normal" person. But you're straight. It's not how you are oriented. Imagine how difficult that would be.

yes, I understand, I was only confused because - both

[ In Reply To ..]
OP said that her husband is gay, whereas he is obviously bi-sexual.

Dazed and hurt - The Wife

[ In Reply To ..]
I am sure you are confused and I did not place this in the first posting like I should have. My DH did not believe in sex before marriage. I was okay with that. Then on our honeymoon he told me that he had a medical condition like ED. I told him that was fine and we would work through it. So to answer your question, we have NEVER had sex, ever!!!! How do I know that he doesn't have a person on the side, because his ONLY goal in life is to be on the computer gaming and keep his family happy. Again there are no phone calls, there are no emails, no finance problems that would indicate this to be the case. When he is not at work he is at home. Everytime I have contacted him at work he is always there so I feel confident in his statement that there is no one else. Also if he has hid this from his family and we live in a very small town he would not risk having someone see or find out about his sexual preference. We have never had sexual relations and never will so this is not really an issue as far as I am concerned at this point. I am NOT going to stay with him until his parents are gone. Personally I could care less about his parents. My son is my concern. He likes his school and is very happy here. Financially we are not stable at this time. A move would not be wise no matter what at this point. I am working at that the best I know how and staying until I can afford to move out or until my son is done with school to me seems like the right thign to do.
I hope that makes sense. Although nothing about this does to me.

now it makes sense to me......see insdie - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
It seems to me that your husband might not even be gay, but might have a physical condition that prevents him to have sexual intercourse.

Tell me if this makes sense to you.

Okay wait... - Allysgrandma

[ In Reply To ..]
Now that I read your second post...I have more to say! Wait did you say how old your son is?

Anyway, I would definitely see a counselor/therapist to work through your feelings and in the meantime be very ...what's the word I am looking for.... focused maybe? on getting your financial house in order. Prepare for the end of the marriage. Start keeping your money completely separate, do not support him in other words. I am not saying you are, you didn't go into that. You are right focus on your son's and your well being and future. I am really sorry you are dealing with this. Can you at least confide in a sibling or your parents and get some advice from them? Hang in there.

Sorry, but................ - naive

[ In Reply To ..]
You post

"Work and car miles are accurate and no strange or out of place phone calls."

Are you serious? You check his car miles and if this is accurate, this is for you a proof of him being faithful?

One does not need to use up gas for having a relationship.

Monica!

I agree with -naive - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Please don't be blind to the fact that everything can seem perfectly normal with your husband and he can still be carrying on an affair...trust me I know! This is a tough situation and I really don't have any advice to give. I only have my opinion, and that is if the home is happy and you can live with it, then stay...until your son is done with school. That's what I would do (I think...). It's an impossible position you've been put in and it's simply not fair. I'm sorry for you and I'll remember you in my prayers...

A very good friend from high school - Allysgrandma

[ In Reply To ..]
had this happen to her about 16 years ago or so. They had a son together. They did get divorced, but apparently are very good friends. She is remarried and very happy. I have not read all your replies, but I would suggest you see a therapist. I wish I was closer to my old friend I would ask her, but are not really in touch. Just don't make any quick decisions is my best advice.

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