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Taking a much needed long weekend, mini vacation AND

Posted: Jun 16, 2011

I haven't even left town and my son and ex-husband (his father) are at each other's throats and calling me! My 10yo daughter and I have planned a fun little get away this weekend for a family reunion plus some fun in the sun at a water park. This evening, my daughter and I are staying over at my mother's because we are riding together and leaving early. My mom took my daughter and went shopping and I have this nice quiet, empty house to do one last evening of work before I leave, and I have had to answer the phone five times between my son and my husband calling me! My son is 18yo and has been giving me all kinds of trouble to the point of kicking him out except he can't seem to find a job and being that he's my child, I can't put him out on the street, but we are closely approaching that very possibility. My ex-husband and my son do NOT get a long. My ex-husband behaves like he is an 18yo boy and then tries to be "dad" to my son which then fires my son up.

Anyway, sick of both my son and my ex-husband, I planned this trip with my daughter and couldn't wait for a nice quiet weekend. Except they are already driving me nuts, fighting because dad won't let son take the car 7 miles down the road to return movies. Son yells at dad and threatens to physical take the car keys from him. Dad goes into son's room and removes son's stereo speakers and hides them. The car thing I diffused by talking to my ex saying what is the big deal letting him drive to the video store. He's 18 years old for crying out aloud? So ex lets him go and forgets that in the heat of the battle, he took the speakers. So I thought every thing is calm for now, but BAM son notices his speakers are missing and immediately calls me tattling on his dad.

So my question is this... would I be a horrible mother if I turn off my cellphone for the weekend and not take any calls from either of them? I've thought what if the house burns down or they kill each other? But then I think I could could once per evening to check on them and then turn my phone right back off. What do you think? I just need some peace!

;

Happy Father's Day...turn the phone OFF - and forget about them. nm

[ In Reply To ..]
;)

You will not be a horrible mother. - They are being inconsiderate.

[ In Reply To ..]
They are grown men and should deal with their own issues. Turn off the phone. If it makes you feel better, call them each and tell them that you are turning your phone off. Since they are acting like children, treat them that way. Put them in a virtual time out by turning off your phone.

Enjoy!

crazy is a life choice - notmine

[ In Reply To ..]
The way we (as mothers) react sends a clear message to our children, even near-adult children. We can chose to live in craziness, or live w/o it. If you want peace, it is a conscious choice.

A word of encouragement. - sweetgirlsmom

[ In Reply To ..]
My son dropped out of high school and wouldn't get a job. When he turned 18, I drove to his friend's house where he was hanging out, handed him a suitcase with his clothes, and said "You're out." He said "OH FINE" and slammed the door. I went home and cried. In a few days he called his dad and went to live with him in a very large city with more jobs. He found work in 2 weeks and his dad charged him $25 a week for food and rent. My son bought a car, got an apartment, and kept the job for 4 years. Then he switched careers and has always worked hard, and his jobs have paid well. I felt like he had no redeeming qualities when he was a teenager. With some help and time to mature, he became a really nice person.

Basically, changing our situation changes our thinking. I hated throwing my son out, but I knew my son would go to his dad. (I wouldn't throw an 18-year-old out on the street). And I knew his dad would not turn him away. His dad is a decent person and our son needed a male role model. His dad had a good home and steered him in the right direction. Part of growing up is learning to make our own decisions. My son was 18 and wouldn't listen to me. I didn't call his dad myself, but let my son decide what to do about his situation.

Many kids are insecure and fearful at that age. Change the things that may be standing in his way. Explore options like living with his dad, another relative, or adult friend of yours. Does he have reliable transportation? Does he have nice clothes for an interview? Does he need a haircut and a shave? Do you know anyone in a business who can allow him to come in and apply for work just to practice interview skills and get feedback? That would help to build his confidence. Many communities have job fairs and provide job referrals through the unemployment office or other agencies. Does he need help writing a resume of high school accomplishments, community involvement, personal interests, job skills, and career goals? Sometimes kids will not listen to their parents, but will respond to an adult friend or relative.

Help your son formulate a realistic plan. When I wanted a job, in 2 weeks I applied at 15 hospitals within a 30 minute drive. Only 1 place called. If I hadn't gotten that job, I would have applied at the hospitals within a 60 minute drive. I did this at age 22, not at 18. We expect kids to know these things, but sometimes they don't. We don't just tell our children to read. We take our children to school and a teacher shows them how. Sometimes 18-year-olds need coaching on how to find a job.

And don't expect a miracle. Some towns have very few jobs for teens, and even for adults in this economy. I've seen where an employer is hiring 100 and 2000 people apply. Many employers say "experienced only" but teens can't get experience until they're hired. Getting that first job can be tough. Your son needs the proper advice and lots of encouragement, and time to find a job in this economy.

It sounds like your ex and your son are locked in a power struggle. Your ex may be concerned that his son will never amount to anything. A quiet discussion with your ex and questions on what he is feeling and hopes to see happen might clear the air. Enlist his support in guiding his son to employment rather than being critical of little things. When one person chooses to change, that gives room for the other person to make changes too.

I wish you well.

Let 'em kill each other - BurnBabyBurn

[ In Reply To ..]
That'll teach them to get along.

I agree...they won't try until they absolutely HAVE to. - not counting growing out of it. NM

[ In Reply To ..]
x

Time for you to back off and butt out - It is on them now

[ In Reply To ..]
Their relationship is theirs to foster or fry as they see fit.

You are not responsible for their relationship, how they deal with each other, to mediate their conflicts, or to make either one of them act like the grownups they supposed to be.

I say let them duke it out betwixt themselves. Enjoy your time with your girl. She will be a teenager soon and you will have bucketsful of new crap to contend with.

Father's Day - Mother's Day

[ In Reply To ..]
Perhaps you could send a text message to both: "I'm leaving you two men alone this weekend so you can do the male-bonding thing. HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!"

Removing yourself as the mediator/monkey-in-the-middle provides an incentive for these two men to work out their differences between each other.

So, did everyone survive? - Ungrateful Brats

[ In Reply To ..]
Nosy neighbors have a right to know!

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