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Midi here. Thank you who reached out.
Posted: Mar 24, 2011
I posted a couple of days ago about my husband and our "situation". I've been to the gal doctor, I'm fine . Been to a lawyer with husband. He wants to transfer all we can into my name alone. He is trying his best to protect our assets; home, money, car, property.
That "person" is indeed pregnant, but the dates supposedly don't mesh as far as husband is concerned. Our lawyer has advised that she also get a lawyer, that husband offer to pay for hospital and doctor expenses, but that she be aware that we will be needing a DNA test in the future. She got angry, made a couple of stupid calls as if I need to have insult added to injury.
He (I can't even look at him still) said he wanted to talk to my family because we're all close. He did so alone and came back with a black eye courtesy of my big brother. I don't even sympathize, but it's a doozy.
Husband is still in the garage apt. I still lost, but wanted to thank those who reached out with their hearts and souls. I did not respond to the e-mailings, but appreciate them just the same.
I don't know what's going to happen still. I'm numb. Got some pills to help be cope thanks to a doc, who also suggests I seek a mental health coach or counselor right now, with our without him.
For what it's worth, H says he still doesn't want children, didn't ever plan on leaving me and wanted that situation to end. Says he loves me and wants to stay home. Says he "felt pressured by her and a mutual friend and that one night too many drinks allowed his inhibitions to drop and after that it was just opportunistic"... Says he's sorry he disrespected US, he feels dirty and ashamed... I'm so mad.
I don't have anything to say to him still, our conversations are done through third parties most of the time this week. My cousin and other family have been "babysitting" me. I'm a mess.
And to ES... yes. I do love him. Just like you said. I appreciate your story the most and I agree, but just not right NOW. I know you'll understand that. Right now I've been throwing myself into work so I don't have to think. Its hard.
Thanks again. The love and soulful feelings really helped. This sucks so much, but I think sometime I'll be okay.
;
So glad you took others advice. It does sound like he is very - Backwards Typist
[ In Reply To ..]remorseful. It takes time to heal, but in time, you will. It sounds to me like she was really trying to lure him and the 'too many drinks' did him in purposely (from the sounds of it) by her and the mutual friend).
I'm also glad that he's agreeing to the property arrangements; i.e., I think he knows now that she may be a gold digger.
It's a shame you were advised to pay the hospital and doctor expenses but if DNA proves its not your hubby's, then you can probably sue to get the money back.
I wish you the best of luck and hope it all works out for you two. Hopefully he (and I think he has) has learned his lesson. Trusting in him again will also take time but that will also follow.
Don't let that b***ch get you down. Don't answer the phone, but if she keeps calling, that's harassment and you can stop that, too.
A suggestion - Anon
[ In Reply To ..]It looks like there's a possibility to work things out eventually.
As far as him paying for doctor and hospital, I'd insist on a prenatal DNA before he spends a dime.
And maybe think about getting both of you checked for STDs. The bimbo sounds slightly slutty.
re: Midi - Alanna
[ In Reply To ..]I was wondering, does your husband (both of you) have a lot of money or something that a gold digger might be trying to get a hold of? There are sooo many unconscionable men and women out there, it's almost become commonplace to take the easy road and trick someone into taking care of them.
I hope it's not your husbands child. I hope for your sake it is not, even though I know you won't forget it or get over the pain and betrayal. Good thing at the very least he's willing to put your home and stuff in your name. That's a rare man.
midi - midi
[ In Reply To ..]He owns a couple of plumbing businesses in our town and he inhereted his parent's home and property, but we're not "rich", just have some "nice" things because he inherited them. When he told his parents we were getting married his mom wanted me to sign a prenup, but he didn't press me to do so. We grew to all get along great and later we cared for his mom when she was sick. His parents worked hard and we've done well by respecting their wishes to maintain the home and property and business.
I dont' think she knows all that though. who knows. his excuse still doesn't set well with me. It was reckless, capricous and hurtful and now WE have to deal with this. I did't do a thing eo deserve this. It is overwhelming. what if it turns out to be his? What happens to "us".
He even says he'll give up parental rights and just pay childsupport, but right now I just hurt so much I don't care. What a horrible thing though to say that. Its a child. the more we try to talk the more he sounds like he can't stand her so I am so confused. I'm just in bed, reading messages here and playing games, but I keep losing. I can't stand watching television, everything seems to be about affairs. all the commercials are about kids and law offices, it seems like absolutely everything is aimed at me, like the world has launched a personal attack and everyone is laughing. I just want it to stop. I feel so anxiosu that even the medicine i got isn't making me sleepy.
Rare man huh? Right now he sounds pretty common. He sure has changed in my eyes.
My situation as very, very similar - All too common story
[ In Reply To ..]My ex-husband, over 20 years ago now, did the same thing to me. He liked to drink and was in a bar and this young lady hit on him. He started an affair with her, but really did not know just how young she was. He would have phone calls very late at night and made the excuse he had to go out on business. I was even pregnant at the time this was going on!! Anyway, after doing this many times, I became suspicious and began asking around. I found out later that his friends knew he was meeting this girl, in our station wagon, and having sex in the our family car, the same one I carried my babies around in in the daytime!! One day he came home drunk, and flung his jacket on the sofa and when I asked him what was wrong, he said he did not want to discuss it. A paper fell out of his jacket and it was papers for a paternity suit and he had been served that day. He admitted the affair, but then got furious about it. I then found out that this girl was underage, but the next part will surprise you a lot, and perhaps this is what this girl is trying to do too.
Come to find out, the baby was not my husbands. Both she and her boyfriend had picked out my husband to do a scam on. She was ALREADY pregnant before she met my husband, and this was her boyfriend's baby, but she and her boyfriend cooked up this scheme to get money out of my husband by telling him that if he did not comply with their wishes they would ruin him, tell me and also bring this to light with the business he worked for. I was furious that he got into this mess in the first place and it almost cost us everything we had, just because he couldn't keep his hands off yet another female.
So, I am wondering if this female your husband was having the affair with is not doing the same thing.
Unfortunately, my ex also beat me, so I was not sorry for him and later on we divorced. I am so very, very sorry you have had to go through this, but this will give you some time to think about your situation and carefully weigh everything and make some careful decisions. All the very best to you.
AHA. She probably thinks he's rich and therefore, she - Backwards Typist
[ In Reply To ..]wanted to trap him. I think right now, he can't stand her because of what she tried, and is still trying, to do.
Giving up parental rights would be okay. It's not a major disaster. My son gave up parental rights for my only granddaughter because he couldn't stand the woman that tried to trap him into marriage. She turned out to be a real **** when she got pregnant. He didn't have to pay child support because of it, either. She quickly found another guy to take his place that had more $$ than my son (he owned a thriving business).
He and his daughter became 'friends' when she found out he was her biological dad after she turned 18.
Don't let this woman pressure your DH. You both have to keep control of the situation.
Wishing you the best.
just a word about parental rights - AARPMom
[ In Reply To ..]Courts don't like to make orphans of children by granting termination of parental rights. They only will do that if there is another person willing to step up and be a parent to a child or if the state takes the child to place for adoption.
But yes, if termination of PR is granted, no child support would be paid.
Also, I strongly disagree with providing money for hospital or pregnacy expenses prior to the birth of the child. The alledged father has no legal or financial obligation before actually becoming a father. It would be better to say "I'll put money into an account help you with expenses that will become available to you AFTER DNA is proven post birth." Of course, DNA should be tested as soon as it is valid. I've heard the child has to be a certain age before testing is valid, but I'm not positive about that. We did our DNA test when my girl was 3-1/2 years old (cheek swab).
Painful situation - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Dear friend, this is most certainly a painful situation you are in. I've been there, sans the pregnancy thank God! I stayed...it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I was young, 2 kids, and no job or education to speak of. Meanwhile, I got myself into college, got an education, and got a job that would support me and my kids if ever this shiz happened again.
We are still together...the memories still hurt today as much as they did all those years ago. Some days (most days actually) I regret staying, wish I had of divorced him back then and found a way to make it on my own. I resent him so very very much for what he did, still to this day it turns my stomach when he touches me (it's been 16-17 years since this went down). I stayed for the kids, because I felt I had no other option. Heck, I didn't even have a car back then. I promise if it happened today, he'd be out on his a$$ so quick he wouldn't know what hit him.
I guess what I'm saying is make sure whatever decision you make is a decision you can live with forever. Don't do what I did and stay for all the wrong reasons. I don't love my husband anymore, I just go through the motions and my heart is hard toward him. Even today I still cry about what he did to me. I blame him for this coldness and hardness in my heart. Please, PLEASE think long and hard about the decision you make...I'll remember you in my prayers.
I know that I could never forgive my husband... - Kendra
[ In Reply To ..]I can't say for sure that I would leave because I love him with all of my heart and cannot imagine being without him. He is my best friend, but I know that I would not forgive him.
re: Kendra - sks
[ In Reply To ..]I bet there are many of us on this forum who have been right in her shoes. Maybe it was us who was the cheater, or the one that was hurt. I know I didn't think I could forgive my husband either, but years later I EXPECTED him to forgive me.
We separated for about 3 years and finally decided to divorce. He got right into a relationship and I stayed single, barely dated here and there.
Fast forward 7 years and we gave it another try. We HAD to forgive each other to move ahead. We (were and are) very much in love and for us that love is worth putting the ugly past behind and moving on.
I believe it can be done, you just have to open your heart to it. Forgiveness is a leap of faith, just as love is.
To the OP: I wish you to find a place in your heart that you can come to terms with this. It isn't the end of the world and reading between the lines, probably isn't the end of your marriage, so you have to be a big hearted person and forgive him.
I think that if he wanted to be with her, he'd just have up and left instead of confessing anything to you and opting to move into the garage to be near you. Also, putting everything in your name... That speaks volumes of his intent, ESPECIALLY since it is his family's property and house.
I'd go to the couseling, alone and together. The laywer was the smart thing to do and now all is left is to allow time to heal these wounds. Keep your head up, but don't close your heart off.
Just the same, I know myself and I would not ever - Kendra
[ In Reply To ..]forgive him. I know that this is not a desirable trait, but I can hold a grudge for something small for years. That, i would never get over. However, I also would never expect him to forgive me, just the opposite. I would expect him to never forgive me if I cheated and I won't.
I am not sure why anyone is coming to this man's defense for the nice things that he is doing after he cheated on his wife and got another woman pregnant. I certainly don't think he's a jewel or even a good person. He broke the most important promise anyone can make. How can you trust someone after that? I hope that whatever the OP does, she ends up happy, I was just saying what I know to be true of myself.
I\'m glad you posted back. It sounds like you have a sm - Lexi
[ In Reply To ..]good support system in your family. I hope things work out the way you want/need them to. Take care. L.
I've been following this and wasn't going to say anything, but... - He felt "pressured..."?!?!
[ In Reply To ..]Correct me if I'm wrong, but down below you say you both are around your 50s and he felt "pressured?" That would send a big fat RED FLAG for me.
My now ex-husband said he screwed around on me because I didn't act like I loved him. Nevermind that he was out at the bars with his friends every Friday and Saturday night, not coming until 3 a.m., telling me that all he did was shoot pool and hang with the boys which had been going on for several years. I always thought he would "settle down" eventually and his friends we eventually get married. When nothing changed, I became discontented and started voicing my concerns and so he cheated because I seemed so dissatisfied. I didn't think he loved me when he was out carousing at the bars while I was at home taking care of our son, but I didn't cheat on him!
Basically, men try to excuse their behavior and they ALWAYS try to shift the blame! It's not your husband's fault he cheated, it's the other woman's fault cause she pressured him. Whatever!
If he were truly remorseful, he would be a man, take responsibility for his own actions, and say "I'm sorry" period NOT "I'm sorry, but..."
It's up to you whether you want to forgive him and work on the marriage, but what happens the next a woman flirts with him, will he feel pressured and seizue the opportunity?
Agree - Been There
[ In Reply To ..]I think you make so very good points. Sadly, I always found most of the men I dated to be self centered, immature, and unable or unwilling to take responsibility and own up. I tried many times to forgive and believe in one man I was dating and thought I loved, all to no avail. He was simply not truthful and cheated on me multiple times.
I agree...he was "pressured" huh, what a crock. - sm
[ In Reply To ..]There are 2 kinds of men in this world, those who cheat and those who don't; yours does, face the fact and I'm sure it won't be the last time either. He could be "pressured" at some point in the future.
re: crock - s*g*
[ In Reply To ..]You're apparently are reading the threads, but not taking in what is being said. the OP at no point has excused her man's behavior, only told us what he has told her. she hasn't said "he told me this so I believe him". She isn't really even talking to him much, only to go to the lawyer. Even says he's living in the garage apartment.
I have not read at any point that she is taking his explanations as excuses and that she has forgiven him.
What she has said is that she is hurt, angry and confused, that he is taking steps to protect her in this, perhaps a desperate attempt to regain her trust, perhaps just a desperate attempt to dodge the divorce bullet, who knows.
He is making excuses and she does acknowledge that he is a POS and even says so herself. Says herself that his stories and excuses are BS. She doesn't sound like a ninny who is taking his story at face value.
He's a jerk. In his selfish quest for pleasure he damaged his relationship with a woman who probably trusted him with her life. She is damaged and afraid (says she is being babysat by family). He should sign something over to her because if they do divorce, she's going to get something anyway, because it sounds as if they've been married a long time.
Midi and Sillygirl don't need to be reminded of what jerks their men are. They know that.
What they probably wanted here was anonymous support. I will say this: I can't imagine the hurt they have endured. I've been very fortunate that my husband finds me alone to be enough for him, emotionally and physically. I can't imagine how traumatic a break in trust and respect a betrayal would bring, but I can imagine that it would be life altering.
I think those who come on this forum to comment on a thread should be considerate enough to provide support and help when it's asked for, and be kind enough to keep their own "well if it were me..." out of it.
Midi and Silly girl: Keep your heads up. We as women need to stick together, band together as sisters and emotional bandaids. I will keep you in my thoughts and drop a prayer request in our church boxes for strength and peace of mind.
Remember, YOU did nothing to deserve this. YOU did nothing wrong.
God Bless.
Sorry honey, that's my opinion. I don't have to - sm
[ In Reply To ..]read more into it than what was stated....her man is a cheating dog who has no will power or self-control. If she wants to forgive him that's fine with me but she shouldn't be surprised when the leopard doesn't change his spots. Calm down, we all have a right to state how we feel.
Exactly - Been There
[ In Reply To ..]It's a Gab board for crying out loud. If someone presents a situation there will be different comments and opinions. Isn't that what this board is all about? Agree with you totally.
Thank you for expressing what I couldn't figure out how to say... - ndmt
[ In Reply To ..]I think those who come on this forum to comment on a thread should be considerate enough to provide support and help when it's asked for, and be kind enough to keep their own "well if it were me..." out of it.
I hope for these people wisdom and patience overcome their need to make it about them.
Then you need to have the "Only positive posts please" board! Geez people., - sm
[ In Reply To ..]That's the beauty of America...I don't have to agree with you, I can speak my mind and if you don't like it don't read it! Why should I give the maudlin blah, blah, blah, take him back, you can recover from this pablum that you women seem to want to hear. If your man cheats it's his fault too, not just the so-called "tramp" who enticed him. If he can't keep it in his pants, doesn't realize he took wedding vows that he will be breaking, or doesn't consider his wife for one minute she's better of WITHOUT him. I can support her trashing the bum and giving him the cold shoulder, however, if she thinks things are going to be hunky dory in the future if she takes him back she's dead wrong, she'll always have that lingering suspicion in the back of her head.
It's not about you. nm - ndmt
[ In Reply To ..]x
Did I say it was? Simply giving my 2 cents, still allowed, I think! - nm
[ In Reply To ..]GOIG!
First of all, what makes you guys so sure you know - what the OP needs?
[ In Reply To ..]As stated above by one of you who thinks she wants to hear what a basket of roses her pathetic cheating husband is, she already knows he's a POS. In this situation, the support I would want is for people to agree with me on that. As far as transferring property into her name, is it really to gain his trust or to keep it from the woman who is now carrying his baby? A baby who, by the way, deserves to be taken care of by the man who fathered him/her. As far as others making the thread about them, it looks to me as if you are doing a fine job of making the posts about others, yourself.
"In this situation, the support I would want..." It's not about you. nm - ndmt
[ In Reply To ..]x
Then please stop making it about me. - nm
[ In Reply To ..]xx
How is someone saying the "kind of support I would want" - mmmmm
[ In Reply To ..]any different than you making a blanket statement about what she needs. At least, that poster isn't assuming she knows what this person is after, the way you are, only trying to give what she, herself, would want. Guess what. It's not about you, either!
I never made a blanket statement about what the OP needs... - ndmt
[ In Reply To ..]I simply don't think the following constitutes support. It's either all about their bad past experiences, or in your words "assuming she knows what this person is after". It's stated repeatedly the only thing they would support is her dumping him. They also make a lot of blanket statements about someone they have never met. Do you suppose if this man was such a jerk that she would have spent all those years with him? Or that it makes her feel better having vicious things repeated over & over again?
"My now ex-husband said he screwed around on me because I didn't act like I loved him. Nevermind that he was out at the bars with his friends every Friday and Saturday night, not coming until 3 a.m., telling me that all he did was shoot pool and hang with the boys which had been going on for several years."
"Sadly, I always found most of the men I dated to be self centered, immature, and unable or unwilling to take responsibility and own up."
"There are 2 kinds of men in this world, those who cheat and those who don't; yours does, face the fact and I'm sure it won't be the last time either."
"Her man is a cheating dog who has no will power or self-control. If she wants to forgive him that's fine with me but she shouldn't be surprised when the leopard doesn't change his spots. Calm down, we all have a right to state how we feel."
"I can support her trashing the bum and giving him the cold shoulder, however, if she thinks things are going to be hunky dory in the future if she takes him back she's dead wrong, she'll always have that lingering suspicion in the back of her head."
"As stated above by one of you who thinks she wants to hear what a basket of roses her pathetic cheating husband is, she already knows he's a POS. In this situation, the support I would want is for people to agree with me on that."
But your opinion is not the only one that exists - mmmmm
[ In Reply To ..]This board is for the exchange of ideas. If the OP did not want other people's opinions, she could have said please reply only if you say "x". What makes you so certain that you know what the OP wants or needs. Again, it is not about you, either.
You're right. I'll leave you guys to your classy opinions. - ndmt
[ In Reply To ..]x
Nice parting shot - Super classy
[ In Reply To ..]nm
BINGO! That's exactly what he is doing by suggesting they - sm
[ In Reply To ..]put everything in his wife's name. He doesn't want the "other" woman to lay claim to anything for her baby. Nevermind, he's the father. Nevermind, that he has a responsibility to the baby.
Here is my advice to the OP, your husband is not who you thought he was. He cheated on you, made excuses for his infidelity, and is now trying to shirk his responsibility in the most reprehensible way -- not just by hiding his assets away from his child, but also by hiding it all behind you!
MOVE ON!
I am being supportive, but I'm also being honest. We will do more for the - SM
[ In Reply To ..]sisterhood by being blunt and being real. It's awful that this poor woman has had to suffer this betrayal. Support doesn't mean coddle. It means saying it sucks you have to go through this and learn this about your husband. You don't deserve this, you didn't cause this, it wasn't your fault. You have the right to be angry, vengeful, enraged even. Just because he's sorry, doesn't mean you HAVE to keep him around and forgivness doesn't mean staying married.
When I shared my story above it was to let her know it happens to a lot of women and we all feel the same way - hurt, angry, and humiliated. I felt like a fool, like my husband and his friends were all in on the joke and I was the punch line.
I want the OP to know that she is worth more than how she feels right now. She's not ugly or fat or whatever else she feels about herself now. It isn't your fault. You are a beautiful person and this situation right now is just a tiny bump in the road.
YOU do what YOU think is best for YOU. If that means divorce, then fine. If that means, forgiveness and marriage counseling, then fine.
Whatever decision you make, it is important that your husband take total responsibility for the mess he created. Otherwise you may end up carrying around resentment and bitterness and the marriage will die regardless.
I sincerely wish you good luck in whatever you decide.
Practical Help - Pink Ice
[ In Reply To ..]Midi,
Here is a link for state child support websites. If this woman is on Medicaid, Medicaid will pay for care but a child support order can request recoupment of birthing costs from the father. Glad you are seeing a lawyer. Under no circumstances should he sign an affidavit of parentage. When a child support order is being established and if the child receives any assistance dollars (Medicaid, food stamps, etc)an order will automatically be created through Office of Child Support. She will be obligated to name potential father (if she does not she can lose her portion of assistance benefits) If she names him, Office of Child Support will contact him. At that point, you challenge and a court-ordered DNA test will be done at the state\\\'s expense. Even termination of parental rights no longer means you don\\\'t have to pay child support. It depends on the laws of your state. If child ends up being his, he will have to pay child support, potentially add him as a dependent to his medical insurance, and this child will have rights to your husband\\\'s social security income (potentially up to age 18) if your husband dies or retires. Please keep this in mind if you decide to stay with him. This is on top of any emotional attachment the mother may try to foist on him. Holidays, birthday, summer vacation, etc could be a constant hassle. You may want to speak to your lawyer about setting up a trust fund to protect your assets. Glad you saw a doctor regarding STDs and please consider getting some counseling for yourself. I grieve with thee and feel free to touch base if you\\\'d like. Blessings to you!
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