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I must be nuts


Posted: Aug 8, 2011

In a bit of a situation and I'm not sure what to do about it.   I'm divorced with teens.  The ex has very little contact with me or the kids and we are all fine with that.  He was always absent even when he was physically there anyway. 

I have a boyfriend who is also divorced, no kids.   His ex walked out on him the final time after having left him several times in the past.  Not to mention she was constantly looking for her "next" husband on Match.com and other dating sites even when they were still married.  She has been married 3-4 times.  

He was devastated when she left even though she treated him horribly, took him for granted, et cetera.  

He and I have been together now for a little over a year and a few months ago his ex started contacting him again.  Emails, text msgs, and now phone calls.  Always on his cell phone of course and I refuse to snoop in that so I am not even sure how often it is happening. 

She tells him about her sex life with her new man, plus the ones she is doing on the side.  Then her boyfriend dumped her and she called him to cry on his shoulder.  

I know he has some unresolved issues because of the way she treated him and he said he just wanted to see karma bite her in the butt and then he would be done.  Well... that was supposed to have happened a few weeks back and he said he was satisfied now that she got a taste of her own medicine.  However... she is still calling, texting, emailing.  

I told him that it hurts me when he talks to her so much but I understood his need to have closure and I would have to accept that.  Now she is treating him like he is her BFF and has to tell him all of this stuff.  

They had no kids, no reason to stay in contact.  I have kids with my ex and I avoid him like the plague.  

We had an agreement that we would NOT lie to each other for ANY reason, no matter how small a lie, given what we both came out of from our previous marriages.   HE brought this up and I totally agreed.  I have a feeling now tho that, even though he knows I'm hurt by his contact with her that he continues to do it and, instead now of telling me when she has contacted him, he is just not telling me about it.   The only reason I know is that he occasionally slips and mentions something she told him and if I ask him when she told him that.... he backs up and tries to cover. 

He says I am the nicest person he has ever known and I'm wondering if he is translating that to "you are the biggest sucker in the world to believe everything I say."

Dont want to start any fights with him but not sure how to approach this topic with him again without coming off as a total nag and completely insecure. 

Any suggestions?

 

;

Too nice... yes you are too nice... get rid of him - lka

[ In Reply To ..]
I have learned from my own past never to get involved with anyone else until you have grieved the loss of that relationship, otherwise you are just carring all of that hurt and anger into the next relationship.

The fact that he is STILL talking to her is a bad sign. He said he wanted her to "hurt" or basically get a taste of her own medicine, but that fact that he does not respect your wishes tells me that he does not even really know himself, in that, what does he want or need. I don't believe you can ever have a healthy relationship with anyone until both parties have grieved and worked through that process... and it's best to be "alone with yourself" so as not to repeat the same mistakes? Sorry you are going thru this but unless he wants to go to counseling with you or cut ties with her altogether, I think you are fighting a losing battle.

Must Be Nuts - Tracie

[ In Reply To ..]
I've been in your position, or I'd never say a word! But believe me, once this stuff starts, it never gets better. The more crap they get by with, the more crap they'll pull! You should get rid of him. You deserve better.

I must be nuts - too nice?

[ In Reply To ..]
Just makes me so sad because I really feel he is my soulmate but I think you are right. I have to let him go. I spent 20 years in a loveless marriage and I have no desire to go there again.

I would much rather spend the rest of my life alone than with someone who says he loves me but really cant.

Soulmate, really?!?! Real life is not a romantic comedy. - Cynical

[ In Reply To ..]
Call me a cynic, but there's no such thing as a soulmate. And when you are a single-mom with two children, you don't have the luxury of letting your heart lead you. WE live in world that demands practicality. You haven't married this guy, right? You're just dating... why on earth would you want to put your kids through another potential divorce or breakup? You can clearly see the writing on the wall here. The many is talking to his ex. NO ONE is ever simply "friends" with their ex. One or both amost always harbor hidden, deeper feelings for the other.

I would also like to point out his whole said story about how bad his ex treated him, what she did him. Those stories are are one-sided and always spun in order to make the person telling them sound like the magnamous, ever loving, long suffering boyfriend. And all he wants now is to find someone who can love him as deeply as he love thems.

I dated a guy who claimed that he gave his heart to women and they used him and broke his heart and asked me to not to the same thing to him. He screwed around on me almost the entire time we dated with several different women. I married a guy who said he was a strong, devout Christian who believed in God's word and the sanctity of marriage. When I found myself pregnant at an inopportune time in our marriage, he asked me to get an abortion and had absolutely no qualms about committing adultery.

I'm a realist. I'm also divorced and raising two kids. I have a boyfriend who has a good job, treats me well, and my teenagers think is okay. He's my friend and I'm his. I don't walk around constantly suspicious, but I'm also not oblivious. So far I have nothing to worry about, but if I find something that makes me uneasy, I will not hesitate to walk way.
Yes, you ARE nuts!! - What are you thinking?
[ In Reply To ..]
??????

All I can say is this - read carefully

[ In Reply To ..]
He is just not into you. If he were "in love" or "infactuated" or any other "in," he would have no need or want to ever talk to his ex. EVER. My theory is, an ex is an ex for a reason. I would just super kindly say to him, "Honey, if you feel the need to talk to your ex, for any reason, by any form, then we have nothing left to say to eachother, period." Then be strong and move on smiling because you got out before you got further along.

When you are truly over someone, the feeling is - one of indifference SM

[ In Reply To ..]
(no strong feelings one way or another). If he is still harboring the feeling of wanting to make her suffer, he is still emotionally attached. I understand where you are coming from and I am sorry this has happened. The thing is, though, after over a year of dating, don't you think he should have moved on emotionally from her? He hasn't, and that is a big problem. Think long and hard about your future with him. Better to be sad and hurt now than continue this and even marry. Issue an ultimatum, her or me. Do it unemotionally, just state the facts. He IS hurting you now. If he cannot commit totally to you, you have to be done with it. :)

I know it is hard - learn from my lesson

[ In Reply To ..]
Kids are smarter than you think and they hear more than you realize. You are allowing your children to learn that it is acceptable to lie in a relationship, by doing so you are setting them up for a lifetime of relationship problems. You deserve better and so do your children.

Indifference... - Great point.

[ In Reply To ..]
Your remark about indifference is absolutely right on the money! While it's commonly thought that the ''opposite of love is hate'', that's not true. Indifference is the actual opposite. (And after a bad relationship, ''indifference'' is a wonderful destination to reach.)

I would at the very least insist - maggie

[ In Reply To ..]
that he change his email address, cell phone number, and regular phone number, and he should give you free access to his email account and his cell phone. If he is not doing anything wrong then he should have no problem with complete transparancy. If he is not willing to do this it is because he is still carrying feelings for his ex and you do not want to be in this situation.

Too nice? - Mgc

[ In Reply To ..]
You've told him it's hurting you for him to remain in contact with her, so it seems he's really not all that concerned with you being hurt. The other poster is right. If he was over her, he would be indifferent to her and more concerned with your feelings.

You deserve better.

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