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Guilt and great sadness

Posted: Dec 15, 2013

I will try and not make this long. I feel like such a horrible person right now. My brother and his wife adopted a child many many years ago (they live in another part of the country having moved away many years ago, and I also live in a different part of the country). So they adopt a child and later found out the child is mentally handicapped. They love him anyway (of course) and do the best they can. They are kind and caring people and do whatever they can for people. Over the years they have had their problems with this child. He went through a stealing phase (which may be ongoing). Years ago when my mom was first telling me about it my husband flat out said to me (he is to never set foot in our house). I thought well that's great, put me in a tight spot why don't you, but figured since they live out of the area I wouldn't have to deal with it. Their handicapped son is just that. But he knows right from wrong too. He has now grown into a 380 pound child in an adult body. There are some other issues like he should be wearing diapers, but doesn't. If he gets upset he loses body functions and when he gets mad or upset he balls his fists and starts beating his head. If the weather is not right he runs around screaming at the top of his lungs. He suffers depression and a whole other bunch of problems. He's also hyperactive and always has to have something to do (place to go to be entertained). So over the years my brother has mentioned they want to come up to see us. We are now in a position where we have animals, but our animals are very high strung. A couple of them get sick when there is a big ruckus going on and if we ever have mail or anything delivered and the doorbell rings they freak out. We had a plumber come out once and our poor kitty got so scared she got sick. So, my brother has made mention that they want to come up and just "hang out". Well my husband doesn't like people just "hanging out" at our place and he doesn't like "hanging out" at other people's places. And my nephew is not the kind to just "hang out". We don't have TV or Netflix or any entertainment to keep this kid busy and we live way out in the woods with no stores within an hours drive.

So the worst thing possible has happened. I spoke to my brother who is telling me I should come back for a visit. He said I'll never come out cos you don't want Wayne there and Wayne wants to know why you don't like him.

Okay...nothing I'm really asking for, just had to vent that I'm a horrible person and it breaks my heart to think my nephew thinks I don't like him. I can't go down to see them right now, but hopefully will in the summer. My brother just tells him that it's not that I don't like him, it's just that I'm a strange person and they can't come up.

On the other hand I think my brother knows that this is not an ordinary sitatuion. My nephew is not the kind that would be content to sit and read a book or watch movies straight for days, but they act like nothing is wrong and it's like "why can't we come, he'll sleep on the floor".

;

I would not let - A very disturbed person come here

[ In Reply To ..]
...I don't think you're wrong or unreasonable. This kid (however old he is now, you didn't say) has some serious emotional problems on top of his mental disability and that's a recipe for disaster.

Coming to your home means a change in his environment, which may upset him no end. Kids like this are very easily agitated, as you know.

It's also hard to know how it was presented to this poor kid as to why you can't have him there. Goodness knows what they told him, I wouldn't trust what your brother says.

I do not blame your husband for this. I'd pack up the animals and leave town if you insisted on having the nephew there.

I suppose you could explain that you have very high-strung animals, and it could be a dangerous situation for the nephew---if your animals are that high strung, they could very well hurt the nephew, and if the nephew is that high strung, he could hurt one of the animals.

As you visiting him, I would do it if you could, but I probably would stay in a nearby hotel.

My animals are the kings/queens here - Karla

[ In Reply To ..]
Well, that is what hubby says but I also have cats that are not the most sociable. One hides from the housekeeper, runs when the doorbells rings, hides in the closet when it thunders. If I have company over say for Christmas I put all the cats in a back room with all they need including food, litter, water and that is where their home is for the day. No one enters but that might not be the case if someone in your home who would not know to enter or not and I would think no one could watch 24/7. I love and I mean love my animals and would throw a fit if one ever happen to get close enough to duck out a door. I don't think I could ever enjoy having anyone in my home that I could not be 100% sure about and this is probably what you are facing. If repair person or other here for a time, always make arrangements for my animals to be out of their way, always.

You are not a bad person - xx

[ In Reply To ..]
Your brother should never have put you in a position to feel like that. He knows what his son is like, and he should never suggest bringing him into your home. It would not be fair to you or to his son. He seems to be deliberately trying to make you feel guilty, which is wrong and actually abusive. You have no reason to feel guilty. Your family and your pets would not be safe with such an unpredictable, mentally disturbed person in their midst.

You are doing the right thing. You don't need to give anyone an excuse for why you don't want them to visit. Every reason you offer would simply be used as an opportunity for rebuttal and an opening for more attempts to persuade you. Just tell them it would be impossible. If they continue to ask why, just keep saying it would be impossible. Don't let them persuade you or wear you down. A visit from them would not end well. If you feel you must visit them, stay in a hotel. It is possible that you would not be safe staying in their house.

Stop beating yourself up. You are doing the right thing.

bad person - Effie

[ In Reply To ..]
You don't sound like a bad person though your husband sounds umbelievably selfish to me. What is Wayne was YOUR child?

I think you should make it a priority to go visit your brother and his family. They certainly sound like nice people and you can get away from the husband for awhile. I actually think its probably not a good idea for them to take their son on visits.

How did your brother find out you didn't like his son?

Why are you replying to my post? - xx

[ In Reply To ..]
And did you even read the OP's post? The nephew is large, powerful, violent and unpredictable. Her animals are not safe with him around, and the rest of her family may not be safe, either.

The OP is perfectly justified in not wanting to have someone so potentially dangerous in her home.

"Nice" people don't try to make others feel guilty for not wanting to invite trouble into their homes.

"they sound like nice people" - Valkyrie

[ In Reply To ..]
Never mind all the manipulation....

You've answered your own question of what to tell - your brother. SM

[ In Reply To ..]
You're venting, obviously you want some sort of suggestions under the table.

First paragraph of your post is what you tell your brother, detail exactly that; the stealing, body function issue, behavior, etc. Then your last paragraph, tell him straight out what you said here - "On the other hand I think my brother knows that this is not an ordinary sitatuion. My nephew is not the kind that would be content to sit and read a book or watch movies straight for days, but they act like nothing is wrong and it's like "why can't we come, he'll sleep on the floor"."

I had that crap here twice with a 23/yo stepson who steals, doesn't want to mind very simple and basic rules under our roof of get a job and take care of yourself, and respect us. Twice he took off out of here with a tantrum after we asked him to adhere to those very basic rules.

Never. Again. Even if I lose my husband over it, that boy will never be allowed in our home as he cant be trusted and my husband knows exactly why I won't tolerate it.

So just go see them BRIEFLY in the summer and - The Typing Dead

[ In Reply To ..]
get it over with. Stay at a motel. This nephew is not just frightening to your cats, but could cause harm to you. Your brother is being very unfair. Just tell him you're afraid to have the nephew in your home, which is the honest truth.

380 lbs? Among other things, he'll break every - piece of your furniture he sits on.

[ In Reply To ..]
He's also unsocialized and out of control. It sounds very much like his parents haven't really done right by him, or, among other things they wouldn't have let his weight get so out of control. He'll likely eventually not be able to stay at home any more, because he'll become a danger to them. It's all very sad, and it's not his fault, but it's not your fault, either, and you have every right to be concerned for your home, yourself, and especially your pets. I have 2 cats, one is super outgoing and friendly, the other is very skittish. But I wouldn't want either one to be upset, or even potentially injured, by any person, regardless of any mental challenges they may have. Instead of hounding you about a visit, they should be focusing on getting some professional help with his behavior

Thanks and thanks to everyone for your responses - OP - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Thank you everyone for your messages. This is a very upsetting subject for me because I would like such a different outcome, but the situation is what it is. Like many poster here my cats are my precious babies. Each one has it's own personality and needs. We have no children and all our attention and love go into our babies. There is not much different personality wise between them and humans (except for the main issue that they cannot speak human), but they are smart, rambunctious, sneaky, playful, and they know how to communicate with us so we know what they want and how they feel. I'm sure other pet parents know what I mean. I love them so much the thought of anything happening to them is too sad to even think of.

There are many other things that would go wrong. Main thing is we have no beds. We never have people come and stay with us, so we've never had extra bedroom furniture. Once we thought if they did come out we'd let the girls (sister in law and niece) sleep on the bed. The boys and us would sleep on the floor, but my brother would end up having his son sleep on the bed and my SIL sleep with him on the floor. Well when nephew sleep because of his massive weight problem he sweats bad and it stinks really bad and particularly I'm not fond of the idea of figuring out how to get odor out of the bed (and bedroom) that we sleep in. Not going to have him sleep on our couch ether because its the same thing but I certainly don't want to say anything that hurtful to my brother. Also, they don't think of animals the same way we do. They are like "just let me out to run around". I'm like "not", so the fact that nephew would be going in and out of the house, not watching to make sure cats don't get out. Also their lives revolve around him (and he knows it). They do what he wants all the time. If he doesn't want to do something they forgo it. He doesn't have a long attention span. He'll sit on the couch with us and maybe gets into the first 3 or 4 sentences but then it's "mom, mom" or "dad, dad" and then we all stop to listen to what he wants to tell them, which is usually that he wants to go watch cartoons or play with his toys, ride his bike or go to the store (he's 26 years old BTW).

One poster asked "what if this was our son". Here is my answer. If he was our son, when he first started showing signs of "mental difficulties" we would have brought him to where ever we needed to to get him the counseling he needed. We would have brought him to the doctor and purchased the medications he needs for the various emotional difficulties he faces. We would have brought him to a nutritionist to keep his weight under control and we probably would have a long time ago (after high school days) got him into a program where he would live at another place with specialized personnel trained in this. There is a program where people with problems such as his go live at a facility where they have trained personnel 24 hours that supervise them all day. They live there and with other people with the same difficulties. I would do that because it would be the best thing for him. He has the attention span of I don't know what but he cannot be left at home alone at all. For one thing, starting the stove to make himself something to eat then turning to see his favorite cartoon on TV he goes off to watch the cartoon. There are many things we would have done to help him.

Yes my brother and his wife are good and kind people. They have been dealing with him for so long. They are now in their late 50s and early 60s and I don't understand why they want to continue this type of life but they like it, but it's their life and they think nothing is wrong.

It's not what I want to bring into my home. The last thing I want is my babies getting sick from strangers being in our house or the other problems that could happen. Just makes me sad he thinks I don't like him. I like him fine when I go back to visit them. When I go back for a visit I will have to make sure he understands that I like him and that I just have a lot going on and we don't have extra bedrooms like they do and that's why nobody comes to stay with me.

Thanks again everyone. I was feeling down earlier, but your posts have helped me tremendously and now I don't feel like a bad person. Just sad the situation is what it is.

you really shouldn't be so judgmental - serene one

[ In Reply To ..]
My cousin has a son, ex-preemie, who has many of the same problems, including the weight. While I'm sure part of his behavioral problems are due to the fact that he was spoiled rotten as a child by his very controlling grandmother, paternal great-aunts and paternal great-grandmother (he's the only male in this generation and a very lineage oriented family, especially on the male side), the weight issue is just a biology malfunction. He has an eating disorder that causes him to eat and eat and eat even though he's not hungry.

At one point, things got so bad he had to be placed in a facility for treatment due to weight and behavioral issues. Yes, he lost weight. But, it was in an extremely strictly controlled environment. We're talking locked refrigerators/pantries, aggressively pushed exercise program, classes, therapy, etc. He eventually did great while he was there but as soon as he came home things started slipping. You just can't do that in real life. His mother (single mom, hubs/sperm donor bailed when the issues really started to show up and he decided he was gay) has a job, has to keep house and for a lot of years now hasn't been able to physically control him because he's bigger and stronger than her.

And, BTW, he won't break the furniture, unless it's dainty antiques, just by sitting on it.

Also, he's gotten all kinds of help with all of his problems, it just doesn't do any good in the long-run, never sticks. He's just not right as much as I hate to say it. Some people just can't be helped no matter what you do. It's not always the fault of the parents.

I have relatives who aren't mentally ill who - I won't have stay at my house.

[ In Reply To ..]
I have arranged my house so we simply do not have any place for guests to sleep. We have 4 bedrooms, 1 is ours, 1 is our son's and 1 is our daughter's and the last is my office. We have an air mattress in the basement, mostly finished, for our oldest son when he comes home for a visit, but he stays around the corner at his grandmother's because he likes to stay up all night and that does not jive with our schedules. My husband does not want anyone staying with us and does not want to stay with anyone else and I have come to agree with him. It is uncomfortable. A great solution might be to suggest meeting somewhere that would be a treat for your nephew to spend time (theme park or something like that)and you guys could spend some time together and he would be entertained. I really don't blame you and your brother should realize that if you have not invited him out in all this time, you probably do not want him there and not impose upon you. It is he who is being rude.

When you visit THEM in THEIR home let - the son know. . .

[ In Reply To ..]
you do like him. Give him lots of attention, bring a couple of gifts. Tell him there's no comfortable place for him to sleep in your house, you have no beds, etc., and you'd want him to be comfy when he visited you and not sleep on the floor. I bet he'll understand better than the parents.

Send him a letter once in awhile to let him know you're thinking about him. Bet he'd love to get mail just for him from you.

You are in no way a bad person for not wanting him disrupting your home. You need to protect your kitties.

Good luck to you!

I agree with your post... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I have a dog as my only "baby" and I am leery of who I let visit, let alone stay overnight. I will never leave my dog unattended with any child of any age without an adult present (like me or their parent) no matter how "good" the child is because you never 100% know if the child or the dog will hurt each other. My dog has never bitten anyone ever and she looooooves everyone (big ol' lab puppy, hi hi hi hi hi) but again, you never know. One little snap of your nephew's hand can hurt or kill your precious cat or kittie could bite or scratch him and then it's just one big lawsuit waiting to happen. A dear friend of mine had a Shit Tzu once that just had puppies and was very protective and snappy. Understandable. She never hurt a fly otherwise. Very loving to everyone. Well, just after her litter came, friend's niece came over for family visit, got too close to the dog after being warned not to and the dog ran and hit, well she got in the dog's face and the dog nipped her face. It was like barely a mark but OMG she was "mawled" and had like 1 stitch in her face and they had to report it, the dog was quarantined for 30 days, my friend was warned ONE more time the dog would be put down (never happened after that and she went on to be old and die a happy dog) but just that one incident divided the family! Very bad situation! It can and does happen unfortunately. And this girl was a teen and tiny little thing. I could not imagine a 300-lb plus disturbed child in that situation...

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