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Horrible guilt

Posted: Dec 9, 2013

Just to preface this, I'm the kind of person who believes in karma, I go out of my way for strangers, do special things for friends, even if they don't ask and I think maybe they just need a lift. Most people would tell you I'm a good person. That being said, I did something awful over the weekend to a friend of mine. I won't go into detail - quite frankly because it's just too painful to even say outloud. I did leave a voice message, because they're probably at work, but basically flat out said I owed them a heart felt apology. This person did agree to the situation I instigated, but that certainly doesn't absolve my introducing it or encuorage their participation. Maybe they don't feel an apology was necessary, I don't know. But I sure DO!!!! I haven't received a return phone call yet, but am torn as to what to say and how to get across how sorry I am. It was extremely bad judgment on my part to encourage and include them in this situation. Even if they forgive me, which they may, and may not see a need for an apology as they had a choice and went along with it, but I'm literally feeling eaten alive by the guilt of putting them in this position. My quesiton is how do I make my apology truly heartfelt and then of course with lots of guilty comes the ability to be able to forgive yourself. That I just don't know if I can do. I'm very protective of my friends and the people I love and I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE I CHOSE TO DO THIS. No this isn't illegal but definitely unethical. Suggestions please............

;

More Info? - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
Without more info, all I can say is that you've done what you can to rectify the situation. If your friend doesn't accept your apology, there's not much you can do. It is what it is. Surely, whatever it was couldn't have been THAT bad. Neither of you was arrested and nobody's dead, right?

Nope nobody's arrested and nobody's dead - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
But I violated trust in me and never should have done that. They went along because they trusted me and honestly given my bad judgment they shouldn't have trusted me. I feel TERRIBLE! I'm seriously beating myself up here. I'm not sure how to make sure, if I get a return phone call, I can make it very plain how incredibly sorry I am.

not a phone call......... - jjsbg

[ In Reply To ..]
May I suggest that apologies and discussions should not be done in a voice mail, nor over the phone, nor in a text, nor in writing. Go to their home, face to face. Cry, blubber, apologize a zillion times over, and let the person know that you do understand that it is going to take that person quite a while to get back to where the two of you were prior to the incident. Hurt runs deep, scars heal over but never go away, and hurt, especially when the hurt is caused by someone that you loved and trusted, is very hard to sort through. All of us can do and have done really dumb and unbelievable things during a lifetime. We humans can be really thoughtless. But, it does not mean that we are horrible. However, it does mean that we should not try to sweep the "sword in the heart" under a pile of dirt, either. It happened, and it needs to be talked through. In this technical age we now far too often hide behind emails and texts and voice mails and (if we are honest about it) we hide behind those things so that we do not have to actually face the people that we hurt. Just my own thoughts from personal experiences.

If the situation you put your friend in caused hurt - To someone else

[ In Reply To ..]
Then do what *you* can do to make that person's situation better. If it caused your friend to be hurt, again, do what you can to do alleviate the situation. As for your friend, he/she went along with what you suggested, so he/she needs to take responsibility for giving in to peer pressure from you and how your friend copes with it is up to him/her. If you want this to be about *you* then keep bringing it up/apologizing/whatever. If it's about your friend, then move on.

It was both of us.... - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
They really should I have said no, because my suggestion was a REALLY bad one, but I feel like I need to earn the trust back because the initial suggestion was mine!!! And it was a bad one and I knew better. I know everyone makes mistakes but this person means the world to me and I feel absolutely sick to my stomach over this!!

"They Really Should Have Said No" - Is what you say in your msg

[ In Reply To ..]
Sounds like you are not taking full responsibility for your bad suggestion. You are sorry for yourself for possibly losing this friendship rather than being sorry for putting your friend in a bad situation.

I didn't get that at all. She is seeing the whole - picture, including her role.

[ In Reply To ..]
And she sounds very sincerely sorry to me.

well she didn't make the other person - do anything

[ In Reply To ..]
the OP could have said no.

My suggestion is this--do not ruminate. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
You obviously have terrible guilt, and you've already taken action and apologized. Reading your post, it seems to me that you recognize your mistakes and probably do not want to repeat them.

The only thing you can do now is to not ruminate on it. I know how it feels to feel guilty, but guilt is only useful when it compels you change your behavior, which you've already done.

Now you have to forgive yourself for whatever you did, because you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life, and you deserve the same kindness and forgiveness as anyone else on this earth.

Thanks - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
And I appreciate how much you recognize how sorry I genuinely am!!

Your friend should feel better - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
that you at least apologized, even though it was over the phone.

Five months ago my sister and my two nieces literally tore me apart for something I NEVER DID. It was a question of integrity, and that to me goes deep. I was accused of tying to "take advantage" of a relative's age in order to "get more" when he dies. He, indeed, is giving me a lot more, but it is of his own free will. I am the one and only person in the family who takes care of him, even though I previously went to them all for help, to no avail. To this day I have received no apology; only an invitation to exchange gifts with them this Christmas.

I believe you feel very bad about what happened, and that in my opinion counts for something. Good luck!

Well - See Msg

[ In Reply To ..]
Well, it's all a bit vague. Maybe what you did wasn't unethical, you just perceive it that way? In other words, let's say you got a stock market tip that was kind of risky and you knew it was risky, but chose to recommend it anyway, why would that be wrong? Unless you said "it can't lose" when you knew it could, then it's not unethical.

That being said, if they lost any money, you could give them the money back.

If you purposely tried to dupe them, that's pretty bad, so next up would be not to ruminate on it, but ask yourself why you did it----in other words, don't just never do it again, figure out WHY you did it. General hostility? Anger towards them for something specific?

I agree with the poster who said..... - Trampled underfoot

[ In Reply To ..]
Go see your friend in person. Apologize face to face. Voice mail and e-mail apologies just don't cut it. I believe you're truly sorrowful, but you won't truly feel better until you see your friend and fall weeping in their arms.

good heavens what did you do? - ?

[ In Reply To ..]
tell her to cheat the insurance company or something?

I am dying to know, too. - Confession is good for the soul.

[ In Reply To ..]
NM

A love triangle perhaps? - My first thought

[ In Reply To ..]
Sorry, but that was what came to my mind!

Discussion - see msg pls

[ In Reply To ..]
We get accused of being "nosy" whenever we ask for details. However, details are important. We have no clue if this person purposely duped someone, accidentally duped someone, or something in between. We also don't know the consequences the other suffered.

We also don't know if this person is hyper-sensitive and feels guilty if it rains during a parade, or if she truly should feel guilty.

That's why, while these blanket posts can generate philosophical discussion, are not necessarily help to the poster.

I'm the person who used an analogy about the stock market. Did she give stock advice, knowing it was a bad stock but didn't tell the people? Or worse, told them it was a great stock? We just don't know.

Variables DO count in something like this.

We also don't know if this person does this sort of thing all the time, then decides if she feels guilty and apologizes, it is okay to have done it. Repeat offenses are far different from a one-time offense.

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