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Update on my "little" situation.

Posted: May 6, 2015

My daughter and I had a long talk about her friend, her friend's mom and stepdad. I told my daughter that we wouldn't be taking the friend on our vacation with us. I said because one, I need to protect her from this stressful situation and I just don't want the headache of dealing with these people and two, her parents probably won't let her go now. My daughter did not try to argue with me at all on this. She actually seemed eager to invite someone else. So she went to school and tried to gently let this girl down, but just telling her that her parents probably wouldn't want her to go with us. The girl texted my daughter last evening saying she talked to her step dad and he said that he and I had worked things out and were "chill."

When my daughter told me this, I just looked at her and said, "I don't even know how to respond to that." Chill? Is he serious?!?! He's never tried to talk to me calmly. He's never apologized for his tirade. All he has done is hide behind is wife's apology. And we're "chill?" Okay.

I told my daughter chill or not, she's not coming on vacation with us. It is a VACATION and I refuse to bring stress along with me!

Anyway, thanks for all the advice and responses below. It's really cathartic to just kind of post all your frustration into cyberspace. It's strangely satisfying and calming! LOL

;

Let me guess on this one now. You tell your daughter - no go, the friend says all is well

[ In Reply To ..]
on their end so looks to me like you are once again caught in the middle. Your daughter may believe that all is okay with the family, after all her friend says the father and you worked everything out. I would, once again, been the adult here and not been in the middle of this mess. I would say "your father and I," or "I" have decided not to take "so called friend" along because we want peace and quiet, just the family this year. What you did instead was tell her "her parents probably would not let her go" and I will go out on that limb and say now others are holding you responsible for "so called friend" not getting to enjoy a vacation.

Had you read her post, you - would have read

[ In Reply To ..]
that she told her daughter the girl is not going. Reread the post since you didn't seem to the first time.

I read the post, otherwise how could I have - answered? NM

[ In Reply To ..]
.

I'm confused. I told my daughter no and then I said - MJM

[ In Reply To ..]
the girl's parents would say no too. But it sounds like the girl's parents are saying she can go since we are "chill", but I STILL SAID NO!

I don't know exactly why you are dead set on finding fault with me, but whatever. Do me a favor and read every word of my post, comprehend what I am saying, and then post to me. Don't just go off half cocked simply because you want to debate.

If I am half cocked then apparently there are 2 that - are feeling the same

[ In Reply To ..]
One person here and I said exactly the same thing but you are saying half cocked? You are having the kid issues but have your way.

What is your point exactly? I told my child no. - MJM

[ In Reply To ..]
Isn't that what you think I should have done?

Re-read all my posts. I've told my child she can have a friendship with this girl, but there will be no sleep overs, no more shopping trips, movie trips, and she's definitely not coming on vacation with us.

So again I am confused as to why you feel you need to continue with this argumentative attitude.

Is that you don't like the way I said no? Do you think I need to be harsher with my daughter or with the friend? Should I make them cry and ban them from being friends or ever speaking again? Should I lock my daughter in her room? Should I ground her for even continuing to ask if her friend can come on vacation?

Tell me exactly what you think I should do. I said no. The answer is no. The fact that I mention that the girl's parents say no is an effort on my part to give my daughter something she can use to let her friend down easy rather than crushing her feelings and making her think their friendship is over.

Furthermore, I don't have "kid issues." I had an issue with one kid who has a bad home life. I felt sorry for her and tried to be kind to her. I'm not going to stop being kindhearted.

I don't have an issue with my child or any of her other friends.

I'm a 3rd person in the same vein-actually your daughter really sm - IMO

[ In Reply To ..]
cannot have a true friendship with this person, so let's just say what it is. They can't have sleepovers or do anything outside of talking, which I think is fine. Your daughter should have, when faced with the fact that her friend was still saying "chill", said that her mother said NO and that's that.

It actually feels somewhat like your word doesn't count for much at all and that issue needs to be addressed within your home.

As for taking friends on vacations, I have never done that because it's family time and PEACE and if my children can't spend time away from their friends, something is wrong.

You believe what this girl told you??? - sm - XXX

[ In Reply To ..]
You say she lies all the time, how in the world do you know this is what the dad told the girl, you only have her word on that, and that is not worth much. I would just call them (the parents) and tell them you have changed your mind after all the trouble/issues and only family is going on the trip. Period. Keep your kid out of it. She can then save face and say whatever she wants to her disinvited friend. Do not allow her to bring someone else in her place so this does not bite you in the butt.

My opinion and advice - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
It seems to me that you are missing the issue completely, and are instead focusing on and generating much of the turmoil.

1. Your daughter's friend did something DISHONEST. Whether she had permission to use the card or not, she had your items rung up on it, then had you give her cash to cover it. One of the oldest scams around!! That enabled her to get money that she should not have had. You aided her in STEALING FROM HER PARENTS.

You saw the problem, I think, but were too concerned with making nice and not wanting to upset your daughter.

CORRECT RESPONSE: "No, putting our purchases on your parent's card is not possible. I cannot allow that. Cashier, please refund the purchase and redo it without our items." Call the manager if need be.

2. Her father was upset, of course. Justifiably so. The way he dealt with you was inappropriate. However, you should have simply been polite and terminated the conversation. Instead, you began to focus on the turmoil, how rude he was, etc. Clearly, he IS a mess, but that is not YOUR problem. Note that you brought it on yourself--if you had refused that purchase he would not have had reason to call.

3. You now do not want this child going on vacation. Instead of telling your daughter that she cannot go with you because she is inappropriate, you (again) didn't want to hurt feelings, so you weaseled around the truth by saying you did not think her parents would agree, etc., etc. Now, you don't know what to do because the friend is (again) lying and manipulating. And you are still focusing on whether this clearly lunatic, abusive man with an obvious anger-management issue apologized to you?

What difference would that make? None. The girl is a liar and a cheat. The step-dad is abusive to YOU. Those people are trash and bad news. Neither you nor your daughter should be around them.

CORRECT RESPONSE: "We have decided that we cannot take anyone with us on vacation. In addition, given Suzy's inappropriate behavior, we cannot risk her being in our home, or going with us outside. You should be nice to her at school, but do not go to her house or invite her to ours." And do not give permission for anything involving Suzy.

Your responsibility is to protect your daughter from inappropriate influences and that girl is one of those. Learn to say NO and stop trying to make nice.

From the first answer above, exactly what I said - told must have not read

[ In Reply To ..]
For whatever reason this mother seems not to be able to stand up for herself and she is the one getting in the middle. Grow a backbone, put on your big girl panties and tell it like it is, not sugar coating. "Her parents would probably not want her to go" is ridiculous. You keep trying to smooth things over and once again you are turning out to be the bad guy in this because of your actions.

If - girlfriend

[ In Reply To ..]
is giving you this much roll, I wonder what will your daughter's boyfriend bring.

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