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jumped of the cliff!

Posted: May 2, 2011

I am a 52 year old woman, married for 32 years, raised two wonderful successful kids who are out in the real world now. I work at home and like many of you, I got stir crazy nuts and don't make much money in this job. DH is away working a lot and when he comes home he plops himself in front of the TV or within 30 minutes or so is in the garage hanging out with friends or going out for a beer. He is always home within an hour or two and I have always granted him that "defusing" period after work because his job is stressful.

He has never seen my job as "stressful", much less a "real job", he just doesn't get it. Flat out. I, like many others, have trouble finding time to get out of the house, or have got to the point where it's stressful to leave the house, gotta sit by that dern computer least a job come out and I miss out on a couple of pennies to add to the piggy back!

Well there are tons of other factors mixed in here, but bottom line is this: since the kids have gone, DH and I have grown apart and disconnected on an emotional and intimate level and he continues with his daily life as if nothing is different, while I mope around and try to busy myself. I've tried to engage him, but his response is "nothing is wrong, it's all you" or his favorite "shut the h*ll up, you sound like a broken record". This has been going on for about 3 years now and I've become depressed to the point that I am now under the care of a doctor. Even my kids see a change when they come to visit. I can't even have fun when I visit them and they live in wonderful exciting cities! DH won't go anywhere with me. On a rare occasion that we dine out, we don't speak to each other, just sit, order, eat while he plays games on his iPhone... It's rotton lonely at home.

i went for lunch by myself a couple of months ago. ran into an old friend and we sat together and talked and talked. It was like I couldn't shut up! He was nice enough to listen and he suggested I meet his wife "who is a great listener". I met the wife and she was so sweet and we became friends right off, BUT... she talked me into thinking all my problems are my husband's fault. Long story short, she convinced me I needed a separation or divorce, introduced me to a man and before I could say "what's going on here", I got involved in an affair...

DH knows NOTHING and I want out, but I can't even really understand how I ended up here in the first place and I don't know how to get out! This may says he doesn't know what he'd do if I walked out, that he couldn't be held responsible for his actions... I want to RUN. I can't do this. I don't want to be here. I want to be at home, but not the way it is!

Should I just leave them both? How do I first of all get out of this mess I've created??? I think that this man will tell my DH. The friend who introduced us is no help at all, and says she thinks I should leave DH AND the man I am involved withl

It's an awful, awful mess and I don't even enjoy the time I spent with him!!! It was all for nothing! I guess I expected romance, love, a connection... I'm scared, not so much about what will happen, but what will happen to ME? Like if I get thrown out of my house, where will I go? My kids will be furious! DH will hate me! My families will turn their backs on me! Any insight would be appreciated.

Please don't call me names. I know what I've done, I crossed that line. I don't need to be given a reminder of what a POS, unappreciative, *lut I acted like. I'm trying to redeem myself here. I'm trying to get back to good. I made a horrible, horrible life - alterning mess of home life...

;

re: KK - Yellow Submarine

[ In Reply To ..]
You need to come clean to your husband. At that point you can safely tell the boyfriend that it's over and he has no cards to hold, in case his intent was to tell on you.

After that, who knows. You may work it out. You may not. Whatever happens, you'll have to deal with the anger and hurt you've caused and that's okay. Time will heal, especially between you and your children.

it sounds like a classic case of bad judgment during an emotionally unstable time in your life. Get some help. Try to make your husband understand that it had nothing to do with him. Own your own feelings and actions.

no jugement from me. I know I could have easily jumped too and have had opportunities. Your home life sounds just like mine and when someone flirts with me I light up. I envy and hate my DH for having friends and sometimes I am so jealous that I hate him and them. I blame the job a lot, it isolates us, makes us crazy, but I also know that this job gets us depressed and out of depression we may get desparate and act irrationally.

You'll be okay, no matter what happens. You will be. I'm sorry you made a bad decision.

PS, that "friend" you made is no friend. Stay away from her and her husband.

My opinion - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
When you get your hand caught that far in the cookie jar, all you can do is CONFESS. You are gonna just have to tell your husband you were unhappy and instead of going to him and trying to work it out, you looked elsewhere, you regret it and if you DO want to try to work things out with him, then tell him so, if you don't, then tell him so, but all of the secretness and worrying about getting caught is just going to make you more and more stressed.

Having come out of that myself, I know exactly what you are going through. - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
It is a very long and painful road, but very possible for your life to be restored and you as a woman to be healed. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is very painful to be in a bad marriage and being so disconnected with your husband. We all think the grass is greener on the other side and it never is. I would be more than happy to talk with you more privately in an email if you are comfortable and want to talk to someone about it. There's just a lot to be said on this and using a public forum like this might not be so wise.

Make a clean break and then find a way to remember why you married your husband - See message

[ In Reply To ..]
I would never, ever contact or speak to the other guy again. Make a clean break. Then see if you can remember why you loved your husband enough to marry him. Get jealous of his time and let him know you want to spend more time with him. Be creative about finding things to do that you used to enjoy. If you believe in prayer, talk to God about it.

Just my 2 cents. - Wow

[ In Reply To ..]
First of all, like the above poster said, I would never air dirty laundry like that even if I was anonymous. That in itself could bring about a lot of snide remarks, insults, and make you feel even worse.

But since you asked, IMO, and I know very many will disagree with me, but I say you need to get yourself under control. You also need to control your life again. It sounds like you have laid your guilt on the table to this other man and in turn he is laying guilt on you to stay with him, but with a threat to hurt your entire family if you don't?? Yeah, he cares about you a lot I can tell.

Next, I do not believe it is necessary for you to hurt your husband, your children, and your entire family if it is not absolutely and positively necessary. Personally, I would lay it on the line to this "other man," and cut off contact with the guy cold turkey. Any contact will only prolong you getting to where you need to be, and leading him on. Get rid of him.

You need to lose the friend who got you into this. She has now become a threat to your family's happiness and the less said about your personal life to her ever again, the better.

What you have done is between you and God (yeah I believe you deserve His forgiveness). Pray. Forgive yourself!!! Again, I would not unload this burden on your family if it is not absolutely necessary. Once that hurt and that memory is there, it will never go away even if it lessens with time. You have to live with what you have done which is bad enough, but they should not have to.

Before you try to repair your relationship with your husband, your children, and your family, you may need counseling for YOU. You need to work on yourself. There are ways to change your relationship with your husband without even discussing it or arguing about it. You take the lead. You make things different by your own efforts and actions. He would probably rather be left alone than to have to listen to you whine, accuse, badger, etc. about things that he thinks are perfectly fine. You probably do sound like a broken record and if he is not the type to go for counseling or talking things out, there are still ways that you can drastically change things for the better without any argument from him. Think about it. It takes 2 to argue. When you go out to dinner, it takes 2 to talk.

After you have gotten your head on straight and can starting healing your own heart, ask him to go to a movie (one that you know he would like to see). Ask him to go to a new restaurant where you have never been. Just do the small talk. Weather is getting nice. Ask him to go to the park with you on a nice day for a picnic. You don't have to talk about anything. Just enjoy the day.

These things are going to seem strange to him. So what? Just do it. Better for him to think you are acting peculiar than that you want to argue about fixing your relationship or complaining about the things you find wrong with him, or going on about how unhappy your marriage has become. He would probably actually enjoy the change and as long as there is no arguing involved or in-depth conversaton about things he does not want to discuss, he may pick up on your lead before long and surprise you.

I know many people would not give or take this advice. BTDT, and it worked for me.

I agree with Just my 2 cents - been halfway there, done some of that

[ In Reply To ..]
I had an "emotional" affair with an old friend, long distance over the net. I'd like to say I cut it off, but he did. My circumstances were very similar to yours. Anyway, I got guilt ridden after I came back to my senses, but smartly didn't say anything to my husband. I went to a counselor and worked with her, and after three years my husband finally joined me in couples counseling. I know that "affair" would be a deal breaker (or marriage breaker, if you will), and I believe it is my penance to live with what I did.

I guess my thought is this: If you really want out of the marriage, tell him. If you want to stay, take the secret to your grave as if it had never happened. Just my opinion

Excellent advice - nm - just me

[ In Reply To ..]
*

come clean - Freebie

[ In Reply To ..]
I agree with those who think you should come clean, but I also think the two of you need counseling together. You're not in your marriage alone, so it's not just up to you to make it work. It's either going to end your marriage or make it stronger but either way you can't do it all alone, marriage is supposed to be a partnership.

Feel your pain - Not judging you

[ In Reply To ..]
You mention in your post that one of your husband's favorite lines is "shut the h**l up." I agree with Freebie when she says you both need counseling. In that environment you can remind him that you have tried to talk with him, and this was what you got back. In that situation what woman wouldn't turn to someone or something else? Getting a man to agree to marriage counseling can be tough. I wish you all the best. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You are human, and you reached out for comfort. You're not the first woman to do that, and you certainly won't be the last. I think as the others have said that you need to cut this relationship off cold and confront the problems at home. Good luck!

Best thing that ever happened in my marriage - ar

[ In Reply To ..]
Sounds like midlife crisis here. I'm your age too. Something like this happened in my marriage too. His girlfriend (didn't tell me he had one) snooped in his email and contacted me, I did not respond so she called my husband. I had already warned him that our marriage was in trouble, he never listened. After he got that phone call he was all ears and has been an active participant in our marriage ever since! Just needed a wake up call. Good luck to you.

re: AR - YUKI

[ In Reply To ..]
Midlife crisis? She didn't go out and get plastic surgery or a sports car! She got in way over her head and now is essentially trapped! I symphathize with your situation OP, especally on the emotinal disconnect part, but when his responses to you are "shut the h*ll up" and "its all you", then he's closed off to you. I can UNDERSTAND how you needed an emotional and intimate connect, but wow, you got yourself a fatal attraction.

You gotta fess up, that way the BF can't beat you to the punch. Then the door will be open for discussion (hopefully) with DH. Who knows which way it will go, but I believe that people in your situation take that drastic step because the marriage is essentially dead.

That happens to empty nesters sometimes, not always. The kids were the emotional glue, but the partners HAVE to go with the flow. I hope you fix it. This time in your life should have been celebrated as a new beginning, a second chance to just be together alone again. I'm sorry that instead, you seem to have fell apart.

All is not lost! Your not the only one who has jumped. I also did, but when I was 54. I confessed and DH said he "expected" it sometime or another, admitted he was emotionally dead inside, but didn't know what to do. He said he "didn't care". That hurt. I stopped seeing the man and we just bumped about the house going on with our lives like nothing.

After several more months we began to talk again, small talk. took baby steps and have without counseling got back to a really good place in our life. He seems really happy and I know I am. We take walks, go on picnics, do gardening, bike, hike, go on dates and most importantly, we TALK again. It was only very recently that he told me that it killed him inside that I had an affair, but he loved me enough to understand that we were in a really bad place and then he forgave me. I sometimes feel like I'm the luckiest woman alive!

Moral of my story; it ain't over til it's over. Talk to your man until he hears you.

re: jumped - no regrets

[ In Reply To ..]
You could have been me about 4 years ago. Me and my husband are still emotinally and intimately disconnected even sleeping in different rooms, practically living out our lives as individuals, just living in the same house. It is a rotton life, like you say, yet neither one of us want to actually get divorced.

He remains faithful to me though. I know this for a fact. He is disabled and stays at home. He mostly is up and about during the day and I choose the evenings to work and play.

I also got involved in an affair, he turned out to be just a jerk and threatened to tell my husband, family and friends. I called his bluff and it finally ended. DH was never, ever aware, but that was a pivotal turning point in my life also.

I started to make the first moves with hubby, waking up during the day with him, making him coffee, actually engaging in conversation. That turned into lunches and drives, more and more conversation and all of the sudden we're back in the same bed!

Now granted, due to his illness there is no physical intimacy, but that doesn't mean there isn't love and I have fallen back in love with this man and he with me.

We don't know what happened a few years ago, how it got that bad, but I guess I felt that this man is worth another try.

I have that retched guilt, like you have, but I was lucky enough to never have been found out. Like a couple of gals say above, take it to the grave if you can. Who knows, it might be what you need to get back on track with your marriage too.

Don't let your "lover" threaten you. You have control. You've got to break it off and deal with it.

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