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Unemployed partner

Posted: Jan 1, 2010

My partner is on SSI and has not worked for years although she is able to work now. I am shocked at my feelings of resentment as I knew fulll well what I was getting into. I was told the house would be cleaned, meals prepared and she would do the errands. It turns out I want to hire my housecleaning service back, I prepare the meals and she runs to the store once a day. She does not understand that her $750 a month does not even take care of spending money for the two of us. My savings is depleted, I have credit card debt, I cannot sleep, I am filled with such anger that I want to give her the heave ho but I made promises which I will not break even at the expense of my happiness. Anybody with advice that is coping with this situation?

;

You say.......sm. - sigh

[ In Reply To ..]
You say "she is able to work now". Then, why is she still drawing SSI? Sorry to be so blunt, but I have to wonder about that.

I'm sorry about your situation - Vikefan

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm sorry about your situation but why won't you give the freeloader (I'm sorry but that's what she is) the heave ho? I was terribly codependent years ago and my therapist asked me - why are you trading your comfort for someone else's? It sounds like you are now getting physically ill over the whole thing. I think you'd be better off on your own, hon. You said you made promises that you will not break even at the expense of your own happiness. Life is so very short. Why go through the rest of it unhappy? Can you afford a counselor?

I hope you don't mind this but it's my daily meditation from one of my books:

In the new year, I will live one day at a time. I will make each day one of preparation for better things ahead. I will not dwell on the past or the future, only on the present. I will bury every fear of the future, all thoughts of unkindness and bitterness, all my dislikes, my resentments, my sense of failure, my disappointments in others and myself, my gloom and despondency. I will leave these things buried and go forward, in this new year, into a new life.

May God bless you and keep you safe, honey. My prayers are with you.

In the same boat you are --- - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I am in the same situation you are in; however, I did not sign up for it as when me and my significant other got together he was able to work. He was then injured in an on the job accident and now for 4 years I have been taking care of him.

My promises and my love do not mean much to him it seems so I do not think they mean much anyway - I am working my way out the door as we speak...

Please do not continue to stay and take the crap!!!

promises, promises - Happy MT Robin

[ In Reply To ..]
It sounds like there have been some promises made on the other side that have not been kept. If she is able to work now, why isn't she?

Excuse me for being harsh, but what promises are worth wiping out your savings, credit card debt, insomnia, and anger? No promise made to anyone is worth your happiness and mental well being, if the promise was made to someone who is not keeping their end of the bargain as well.

Sit her down, have a long, hard talk with her and if things don't change within a very specific amount of time, get her out of your life. She's sucking you dry and no one should be allowed to do that.

Are you talking about your wife, girlfriend or room-mate?...nm - partner

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

made promises you will not break? - sounds like an excuse...

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... to remain co-dependent.

If she's not keeping her promises, then why - do you feel you have to keep yours?

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You said you were told that since she wasn't working, that insteade she'd clean the house, prepare meals, and do the errands. But if she's not living up to her end of the bargain, AND not working, then I would say that pretty much voids out your promises, too.

If I didn't care to continue the relationship, then I'd ask her to leave. If I did want to continue the relationship, then I'd sit her down one evening and very kindly, but very FIRMLY, tell her that she hasn't been sticking to her end of the bargain, and that if she isn't working and contributing to the rent, then you really NEED the help she'd promised to give so you'd have the extra time to try to earn the extra money the two of you need to live on. And tell her that since she's not able or willing to perform the household duties she told you she'd take care of, then in order to stay together you need her to get back to work and start contributing to the household finances. Tell her that depleting YOUR savings account in order to stay afloat while she neither works nor does the household chores wasn't part of the deal, and that it's not fair to you. Nor is it healthy for you, or for the relationship.

I think it's possible to give a little "tough" love in this case. Just be honest, and loving, but FIRM, and tell her how things really are. After all, if you go under, where will you (and she) be then?

For all practical purposes,you're alone - in similar situation

[ In Reply To ..]
Figure out what, if anything, she is contributing to your life - companionship, etc. Decide whether your life will be better or worse without her. But face the fact that financially, its all on YOU, and if you fail, she'll be on her merry way and you'll be alone to pick up the pieces. People who are on SSI without good reason are used to milking the system and she'll be perfectly fine without you - the county will find her subsidized housing, etc. There will be no help for you though - not from her, not from society. We are too busy punishing our workers to ever give them any help if they need it. You have been permanently cast in the role of being able to take care of yourself and others. Now you are expected to die in harness - you'll never get a turn getting helped by her, or the powers that be. Its lonely, but its true.

I want to know who is "we" are too busy - L

[ In Reply To ..]
punishing our workers? Most of these posts here just absolutely sound like "others" should be blamed for the situation you find youself in. I alone take responsibility for everything that goes on in my life, work, home, children, everything. I just donâ��t get the "we" are punishing our workers. Since kids grown, I no longer take care of others.

"We" that give lifelong SSI to those who don't need it - no retirement for my generation

[ In Reply To ..]
Guess where the SS system will be when I'm ready to retire in 20 years? That's right...bankrupt due to letting some folk ride free on disabilities their whole lives. They've been happy to take it out of my check for decades but they'll never be writing me a check when its my turn to say I'm old, I'm tired, I'm sick, I can't work. Sorry, I proved I could work when I was young and strong, can't take it back ever, I don't GET a turn. Just like lifelong leeches never get a turn behind the grindstone.

If you think no retirement, I would strongly consider - padding your investments a lot

[ In Reply To ..]
If MTing is still around, donâ��t have to retire, just continue working.

(snort) What investments? Trusted the wrong folk - good deeds=nada

[ In Reply To ..]
Are you speaking of my 401k? The one worthing nothing now? Even if I really enjoyed watching my money disappear, I can't afford to put any more money into it. My paycheck is in a downward spiral.

Let me see...over the decades I "invested" money in the people I loved, helping them. Found out the hard way when I need help they kick me when I'm down. If I could just rewind my life I would do a great deal differently. At this point I would give anything in this world for someone, anyone, to have my back or at least help me pull the load for even a couple months. But every friend, lover, and family member I've ever helped just gets angry that they can no longer come weeping to me with a sob story because my sob story is worse than theirs lately. How DARE I be broke! The nerve of me to suggest THEY might owe ME a thing!!!

I have 2 younger friends, one I really like and - the other is a young female

[ In Reply To ..]
who does housekeeping for me. The first lady I do animal rescuing with. She is like a daughter to me but, both of them in the past 6 months have asked to borrow money. The first asked for $500, the second about 2 weeks ago asked for $800. I told both of them ask your parents, which I am not their parent. I went out of the banking business a few years back. I too loaned out money to mostly my DIL, not requested back except for 1 time, the last when she got $2,000 and I had her sign an IOU. Never got that back and so out of the business. If someone has parents, would suggest that route first instead of asking me. I was at one time in my life needing help and like you, who was there for me?

yes, true, how does the saying go? "Do not lend money..sm - family

[ In Reply To ..]
to family members, because then you end up without the money and without family." (in case you really want it back!)

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