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How do you trust your partner again, when the trust

Posted: Oct 19, 2013

Have any of you been able to repair the trust in a relationship when it's been broken quite badly? Able to repair the relationship itself? That's my main question and I'd like to hear how others handled it.

Details of your own personal 'mess' are not what I care to hear, but how you repaired things.

I want my best friend back and the trust we had. I don't want to have to go through legalities now or down the road. I still love him, I don't love the situation.

;

One day at a time. I know its cliche but true - 2013 has been one of the worst years

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for my husband and I. but we are still together, taking it day by day. Do things like learn new things together (like a cooking or painting class), travel to a place you have never been. These new experiences help give you new memories to share together and may possibly accelerate the healing process for you.

Good luck

It takes time, a lot of time. The fact that you - Rockabilly

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want your best friend back is a good sign. Trust can be rebuilt.

If trust broken because of cheating then I - Kendra

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would say it is nearly impossible for any man to change from cheating to being true to a person. I can speak very much from experience but you don't want to hear that. I will say this, you should never spend month after month or year after year trying to rehabilitate a relationship because what happens is you are suddenly looking back at age 50, 60 or so and saying where did my life go. If a person really, really cares for you then that relationship should be solid, not worrying about a person when they are not in your eyesight, you should feel trust, not having to regain it ever. Love should never hurt and seems like that is where you are right now. I don't see gaining trust when broken.

My 2 cents - see msg pls

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I feel that both people have a responsibility in the marriage. When husbands cheat, it's either because they're a total bum to begin with; or they were pushed out.

I have some friends where the wife is a flaming b*tch, and I always wonder how many more years her husband is going to stay true.

That being said, if the man or woman is unhappy and is not being treated properly by the spouse, then get out of the marriage, then have your fling or flings.

xxxx - xxxx

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xx

Maybe not enough details - cheated

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You didn't say if you were the one cheating on him or if he was the one cheating on you. There is not even an easy answer. Counseling might be a good start, and if he refuses than you go to counseling yourself and I promise they will help you figure this out.

That depends on your partner - SM - KC

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If your partner is the one who broke the trust, which is the impression I got from your post, then it really depends mostly on him/her being willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild your trust. It also depends upon your willingness to take ownership of your part in the situation, but it mostly depends upon your partner, as he/she will have a lot of hard work to do.

The bottom line is, if you are both willing to do the work and still truly love each other and want to make the relationship work, it definitely can be saved and rebuilt. It can even be better than it was before, and this I know from personal experience.

I wish you all the best, and hope you can achieve the outcome that is best for you!

Strange how many of the responses think it was cheating - and some seem to think it was me SM

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I am the OP and there was no cheating on either side. Not surprising that's the assumption some would make right off the bat.

The issue is completely something else, and it's simply a case of rebuilding trust. I've never gone through this before, rebuilding, and wondered how others did it.

Thanks to those who did offer their experience and wise suggestions.

You were extremely vague - see msg pls

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I don't think anyone assumed it was you who cheated. Your post was extremely vague, so since adultery is one of the biggest (and most common) breaches of trust, we had nowhere else to go with this.

"we had nowhere else to go with this" - see msg pls SM

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I wasn't aware I was asking anyone to "go" anywhere with this.

I simply asked for people's experiences of how they repaired trust in their relationship.

I thought that was perfectly clear, all I was asking for. Certainly wasn't asking to be told what to do and, again, I thought that part was perfectly clear.

Sorry, no lurid and erotic details here for the overly curious to drool over.

How you rebuild trust depends on the situation - GetAClue

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Obviously, the process of repair depends on the what trust was breached. Stealing? Lying? Telling your personal information to someone? Opening your mail? Hacking your compute? Cheating at cards? Eating the last brownie? Different situations require different processes. There is no one-size-fits-all for restoring trust. It requires a lot of work, and it sounds like you are looking for quick fixes from other people.

Did I ask anyone to fix this for me? Nope. - GetAClue, sounds like SM

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you are obviously disappointed by lack of personal details. Sorry, honey, my situation wasn't any of those you stated. Go find some old True Story or True Confession mags to highlight your evening. Sounds like that's what you're looking for.

What this sounds like to me is you just want - to cause a scene, so to speak

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I could care less about the so called personal details. Probably most on here have more interesting stories involving their own lives anyway. People apparently trying to give some thoughts and you come back like Mike Tyson.

I agree with you - sm

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Seems to me that the OP just wants to start a fight with someone. I smell a stinky troll.

Why are honest opinions and facts always called troll? - SM

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Because someone/me doesn't follow the crowd blindly like a sheep; in this case, not sharing dirty personal details.

There's no valid reason for sharing details, it's not going to help anyone "go" on anything or provide me any more help.

I clearly did not ask for advice, did not want quick fixes, and so on.

Looks like others want to stir up things and cause scenes, which is so prevalent here.

A person then tries to clarify their point of view, and gets called troll, accused of causing a scene, etc.

I have seen many personal situations on this board and it seems like everyone wants the dirty details to gossip and salivate over.

Several posters here have created the scene, not me. No personal details, sorry, move along, nothing more to see here.

how can you ask for - help and then not want

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any ADVICE? Those are one in the same. go see a psychiatrist if you want "help." All you will get here is "advice", but in order to provide you with advice, some may need a little more information than just "broken trust." As some others have already stated, IF you want to regain trust, you have to WANT to, and most of us do not think you do.

Perfect example of - broken trust

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You asked how to restore broken trust, hinting at the circumstances.

When advice was given based on misunderstanding of the circumstances you hinted at, you became indignant that people would assume that.

When people asked for more information so they could understand, you pretty much called them rubbernecking buttinskies.

And then you denied ever asking for advice in the first place, continuing to speak ill of those who thought you had.

What you did here broke our trust.

Maybe that realization will help you deal with your other situation.

True Story and True Confessions?? - You're showing your age, OP

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Are those even published anymore? BTW, anyone eager for a salacious story has the whole internet to choose from in the form of personal blogs to "Fifty Shades of Gray." I'm sure your *story* is as banal as they come. Anyone who posts on a public board for an *opinion* obviously wants attention, If in real life you act the same way you did on this board *trust* issues are probably the least of what you have to cope with. Many churches offer low-cost counseling which may be of help to you provided you don't flounce out of the room when you don't like what someone has to say.

Agree - see msg

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I think the OP was too vague.

OP: Nobody here is "looking for a juicy story."

I think all we wanted to know was if someone did something small (like steal a brownie) or something big (like adultery, bad lie, etc.).

I am here to say that if someone stole your brownie, or if you stole a brownie, and this has become a trust issue in a big way, then some counseling is definitely in order.

I Agree - see msg

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I'm the "We had nowhere to go" person. You said what I'm trying to say.

I liked your "ate the last brownie" example, of which wouldn't even deserve a response, except perhaps "get over it," or "cripe, you need medication."

If the breach is more serious (adultery, stealing, blatantly lying about someone to cause trouble, etc.), then that's a whole different answer.

The Speed of Trust - Strongly Recommend

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Building trust and rebuilding it when it has been broken are very difficult. For very good reasns, we do not trust others without evidence that we can, and we stop trusting at the first indication that something is wrong.

Trust is not an all-or-nothing matter, nor can it be broken only by some big thing. It exists in degrees. Perhaps you trust only for small, unimportant things, or only with conditions attached. It is more difficult to trust for bigger things.

It will help you to read Steven Covey's book, The Speed of Trust. It will give you a different perspective on what trust is, how it affects individuals, groups, and the world, on how it is built and is lost (losing it is easier!), and on the exact steps you can take to build it, prevent loss, and repair it when it has been lost.

Look for it on Amazon. If you have a Kindle or download the free Kindle reader software to your computer, you can get the Kindle edition for $11. There are used copies for as little as 11 cents plus 3.99 shipping.

Trust is a choice. - sm

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If you want to trust him then trust him. If not, then don't.

It's really up to you.

The initials of the OP - are identical to one

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who posts on the "politics board" all the time. It may be a "coincidence," but the "attitude" surely fits. just a thought.

the initials SM simply mean "see message" - not anything other than that

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xx

Not ALWAYS - there are some who

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some use them as their moniker, and I suspect this one does too. know it all.

sad mania - -

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Snarky Marsupials - Kitty

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Sorry, I would have put NM in the subject, but I didn't want anyone to confuse me with my brother, Ninja.

oh for goodness sake! - see message

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Are you trying to refer to me? I often post sm, as do many posters. I just can't believe the lack of critical thinking skills here.

I use sm all the time - see msg, too

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But I never post to the politics board. Astounded at the lack of critical thinking skills, too.

Sounds a little like - sm ... oops ... see msg

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Someone else who posts here on occasion.

I will not ask you as I know you are wrong - See above, have answered

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You sound like you were one of the bullies before, so I posted above and your "assumption" was wayyyyyyyyy off base.

you rebuild it one day at a time - by choice

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I recently had to rebuild a relationship - not with my partner - but with my sister. It took a lot of work, sometimes it got ugly, but there was a lot of honesty involved and when it got too intense, we stopped working on it and just talked about nothing in particular.

I think your question was silly, really, if you don't know the answer already. If you want to rebuild trust you work at it, both of you, you both have to want it. I bet you'll come on here and criticize this answer because of this paragraph rather than focusing on the answer I gave you in the first.

I do not think this person really wants info - in any way, shape or form

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Several came on here, not asking about what was happening in her life, but trying to give what I term "fluff" information. I think her attitude is off. Why even post when you get upset by people thinking it is related to cheating? You gave the impression, otherwise people would not have thought that. Maybe just a slow day for you, huh?

You don't, at least not so far in my case - sm - IndebtMT

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there is "to hear our mess" happy now (probably not)...did I edit to YOUR liking...lol......
My bad was financial, I started to answer this yesterday then stopped. My DH does not trust me period. I don't blame him in this, I wouldn't trust him either if he -------------------So whatever your SO did, he/she needs to come clean, be remorseful and work on fixing it if there is any hope to rebuilding the trust. I doubt it will ever be the same but you may take things to a different level and get close. Good luck.

InDebtMD, OMG, she said she did not want - to hear our mess

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And you went and told her about yours! She probably will have more of a fit now because she is not interested in what you have been thru, only on her end of a not being able to trust someone, whatever that meant.

she had said nothing, just you, geez, keep your - sm - IndebtMT

[ In Reply To ..]
panties on. I did not go into in depth detail as there is a lot more too it believe me, I spoke in generalalities as best I could, it is necessary to explain some of the background what I have been thru and how my DH has handled things. Sorry if I offended you in trying to help someone. Next time don't read the posts if you are going to get all upset at someone trying to help someone else out.

I don't think she was upset - anon

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I think she was going for a more joking/sarcastic warning to you. The OP did say (repeatedly) that she's not interested in anyone else's "mess."

Thanks. That is exactly what I meant and the - OP said not interested, not me

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Heck, I read them all, don't cull anybody's as sometimes they are interesting, others just filling in some time I have available between reports.

You did not offend me, but the OP said she - did not care to hear your mess

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She said she was not interested in others mess- I read yours. Why are you upset with my telling you what SHE said?

Reply - trust

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I had a couple situations in which trust was broken.

In one, I was able to regain that trust. In the other, I was not.

Hope that helps.

That helped me. Thank you. - Not the OP nm

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NM

Really? - trust

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Well that's good. =]

Yes, it was very real for me. - I am not alone

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I, too, have situations in which trust was restored and others where it was not.

Now, I no longer need to obsess endlessly about the latter, worrying if I was somehow inadequate or flawed. Now that I know I am simply experiencing the human condition, I am able to say "Meh!" and get on with my life.

Thank you, again. Really.

Ok, cool! - =] nm

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nm

I'm getting the impression that the OP is bantering - with her/himself on here

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and that any of us who may read or post are just fluffing up his/her own bipolar tete-a-tete.

outahere....

I agree - one with too much time on her hands

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and too much boredom between the ears...type troll. lol.

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