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I am a nervous wreck

Posted: Feb 20, 2012

My husband has a passive-aggressive personality, and he's often acted out through driving when he's annoyed/mad about something. He denies it, but I don't think I'm paranoid. I'm so sick of this and it's affecting how I feel about him overall. I am constantly on the lookout because he's gawking and not paying attention to what he's doing. Last week he nearly ran a red light, turned in front of another car that had the right of way, and swerved on the highway so that if I hadn't shrieked at him we would have ended up in the ditch (all in the same trip). I have asked him if he thinks he has health issues, and he says no. He often has some excuse--sleepy, wasn't watching (duh)--but sometimes he admits he was just careless or not paying attention. I've probably contributed to this because he knows I'm on the lookout. I'm not willing to get in an accident to prove my point. I know the obvious solution is for me to do the driving or take separate vehicles and say to heck with the price of gas, but it still doesn't address the real issue of him doing this to scare me because he's mad about something. Has anyone here successfully dealt with a passive-aggressive spouse's behavior??

;

I heart you... - Went through the same

[ In Reply To ..]
Been there. Mine is the same when driving, and I'm never paranoid about anything. I really think mine does it to cheese me off and start an argument. I had some other issues going on that were stress (loss of a loved one, loss of a pet, lack of a sex drive~ sorry, but that fed into the problem big time). My doc put me on a low-dose med, and I do much better, but it still makes me feel like it's my fault. Good luck, sweetie.

Make the Call - Rain23

[ In Reply To ..]
I know from personal experience that it feels like slicing yourself up to challenge and possibly end a relationship, but you have to face the reality of what you just posted.

Stop riding in the car with him. Now. Today. Take a cab, call a friend, flag down a cop. Whatever you have to do. You being in the car may be escalating his behavior even if he's doing it completely unconsciously.

Let his doctor know what is going on if you think there might be something like dementia in the picture. Tell a friend or a relative. You might be surprised what other people noticed and don't want to say.

Get yourself a domestic violence counselor right NOW. Call 1-800-799-SAFE. You're not taking any action that will affect him, you're just getting a professional opinion and some support. Walk to a Starbucks or someplace else public so you're safe. You can do it.

He's messed with your head enough that you just asked a bunch of MTs what to do about a situation that is could get you, him and possibly an innocent driver/pedestrian killed. Of course that sick feeling you have is right. He's rolling dice with other people's lives every time he gets in that car.

God bless you, honey, I'll say a prayer for you and I really hope you get help with this. It's much bigger than just the best intentioned advice here can take care of.

I don't call road-rage-type driving passive-aggressive. - I call it AGGRESSIVE. SM-

[ In Reply To ..]
Sooner or later, he's going to hurt or kill someone because of it. Maybe even you.

If he's an older driver, it could be an early dementia issue. Or, even EYESIGHT. But most likely I'd call it an emotional problem. Could even be a subconscious death wish.

I sure hope he doesn't end up taking out some innocent person on the road because of his inability to control his emotions while driving.

Maybe it's time - Annie

[ In Reply To ..]
to aks yourself whether you are better off with him or without him.

Definitions - Passive-Aggressive

[ In Reply To ..]
Please get your definitions correct. Passive-aggressive people do not act out aggressively. They "woops, put your wool coat in the hot dryer." "Woops, picked up dinner for the kids,but forgot you..."

What are you talking about is aggressive, period.

my mom did that a lot - was worried sick

[ In Reply To ..]
and she was not passive-aggressive or even partly aggressive. For her, it was a matter of multitasking. She allowed herself to think deeply while driving and put herself on autopilot when behind the wheel. I can't tell you how many times we had to go out to pull her out of a ditch when she went out to her (undeveloped) property. Once I was in my sister's car that broke down with my mom in her car a mile or so behind us. We were on the side of an interstate jumping up and down by the stalled car waving our arms and she passed by us, never saw us. It was not until she got home and realized we weren't home yet (an hour's drive away) that she wondered what happened to us. This was before there were cell phones. I think she was in her mid 40s then. She ran red lights, never saw cars, slammed on brakes for no reason, swerved when she realized she had crossed center lines. I could go on and on. Fortunately once we were older she was happy to let us drive if we were going together.

Right before she entered a dementia nursing home, she was going somewhere and could not find the address. She was found driving in circles in a very wide 4-way intersection because she did not know which street to turn onto.

I think you may consider a less aggressive motive for his behavior. He is not going to like that you challenge him, but for your safety and those of innocent people, you need to have a sit down talk with him.

Lots to think about - White Knuckles

[ In Reply To ..]
Everyone brings their own personal life experience to their interpretation of a situation, and it was eye-opening to see how people responded. It's difficult to be objective when you're living it. Whatever's going on, I can see that I need to deal with the safey issues regarding myself and others first and then cope with what's behind the behavior whether it's early dementia or him just being a son-of-a-b to get my attention.

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