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Something bad happened to my son...

Posted: Mar 20, 2011

at church today. An older boy (6) touched him in an inappropriate manner (licked his bottom), after locking the door to the bathroom, so that noone could see. My son came and told me immediately and we talked about touching that is okay and not okay (thankfully, we have already had this talk, which is why he came to his father and me) and not to let someone ever do that again, as well as making clear that he can tell us anything and that he should never do this to anyone else, either. I think that my son is going to be okay and this probably bothers me more than it bothers him, but I am really worried about the other boy. At 6 years old, I don't think that this is something that he could have come up with on his own. We addressed the action with his mother and grandmother, but his mother said that nothing has ever happened to teach this to him, so he must have just done it on his own. I find it hard to believe and am very worried about why he would have done this and I think that his mother is blowing this off too easily. I know that she is mortified about what happened, as would be any parent, but I do think that she needs to try a little harder to figure out why it happened, not for me, but for her son. If anyone has any advice, I would appreciate it.

;

I found something you may want to read - - don't worry just yet

[ In Reply To ..]
I just found a good fact sheet on this type of behavior. It is from the NCSBY (National Center on Sexual Behavior of Youth). It describes both the common and infrequent sexual behaviors of children between the ages of 2 and 12. Read the entire thing, and I think it will give you a good idea of what to do from there, if anything. It is called the NCSBY Fact Sheet. I found it on Google.

I would think that any behavior labeled "infrequent" in red... - worried parent

[ In Reply To ..]
is cause for concern. Also, these children do not know each other well. My son rarely stays in the nursery during church and will not any more. I can't see any circumstance where a 6-year-old locks himself in a bathroom with a 4-year-old and does something bad to him, then lies about it and tried to hide his behavior is normal sexual play. This child knew enough to be ashamed of what he did, so it seems to me that he must know more than he should.

You still should not jump to conclusions - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
It is important to remember that there is a big difference between something like this being done by a teenager or an adult as opposed to a 6-year-old child. Have you ever heard of kids playing doctor? If this child was much older, then yes, I think that would be cause for much greater concern. It sounds like the nursery in your church could use better supervision as well, as this behavior is usually stopped with better supervision. What did the child say when he was asked about it? I'm sorry, but I don't feel we're hearing the whole story here. I also don't get the sense that you read the entire report I referred you to. You have to do what you feel is best, but I would still reserve making any judgment. I would suggest either volunteering to help in the nursery or finding another church.

Thanks so much for the judgements... - worried parent

[ In Reply To ..]
I was not jumping to conclusions, simply thinking that if a whole lot of adults ignore something if a little boy needs help, then we are ALL irresponsible and have failed him. I simply think that more exploration into this matter should be considered. I could see if it were licking a private part, but how many children actually want to put their mouth on anus? I just don't think that this is normal and I did read the whole report. I did not say that I am sure anything happened to him, just that I think that it is a strong possibility. Of course it is different than if an adult did it or a teenager. I certainly do not want anything bad to happen to this child, but again, I do think there should be further exploration. When asked about it, he lied and said that it didn't happen. He eventually did tell the trut.

Finally, of course you are not getting the entire story. I certainly did not want to write a book about it. I was not passing judgement on this child. Who knows? Maybe some other kid did this to him at school. I don't know, but I do think that sweeping it under the rug and trying to forget about it because it is uncomfortable is an irresponsible way to handle it. I also agree with you about the supervision. The lady running the nursery said that she thought my son might need help in the bathroom and sent the 6-year-old to help. That absolutely should NOT have happened, but it did. At the very least, I think that the nursery needs to address that children should not be sent to the bathroom together. If one needs help (which my son does not), an adult should help, certainly not another child. And, yes, I do volunteer in the nursery. It was not my day.

How do you know what the other parents - are or are not doing?

[ In Reply To ..]
Do you expect them to fill you in on their course of action?

Just because you don't see or know how they choose to handle it does not mean they are ignoring it or sweeping it under the rug.

She did...she called me and told me that... - worried parent

[ In Reply To ..]
she thought it was no big deal. Why are you so argumentative. Have I done something to you?

You are absolutely right. - The nursery was very wrong

[ In Reply To ..]
to deliberately send that child into the bathroom with your child. If they are in the habit of doing that, who knows how many other children he has victimized. The church hierarchy needs to be informed and that practice needs to stop now. That is just asking for trouble, not to mention lawsuits. The parents of the 6-year-old clearly do not care what he does to others, so someone will have to intervene to ensure that his behavior does not continue or escalate.

This is something that should be - KrisO

[ In Reply To ..]
brought to the attention of the pastor of the church. Perhaps it's time for some new rules to be instituted as someone else mentioned. The pastor and/or group leaders could also address proper Christian behavior in classes/sermons without finger pointing so that everyone gets the same information first-hand yet no one gets singled out. We must remember that God loves all of us. That's why we go to church--to worship Him.

Agree!!! Especially now that - ticchick

[ In Reply To ..]
she was a little more 'detailed' in where the 6-year-old licked her son- that sounds to me like a strong indication that that child has learned this behavior from somewhere not good. If his parents are not going to look at this then hopefully the pastor can help them to address it or otherwise handle it from here.

I'm sorry your little guy had such a bad experience. - Have you considered

[ In Reply To ..]
making sure the other parents know about the 6-year-old so they can be vigilant about keeping their children away from him? If I had a child in the same group, I would want to know so I could take the proper steps to keep him safe. He also might be victimizing girls as well, so everyone should be made aware of him.

The tone of this response makes me sad for this boy - AARPMom

[ In Reply To ..]
Perhaps I'm just reading more into it than the responder meant, but I got the feeling it would be okay to make the child wear a Scarlet A on his shirt, or worse.

A 6 yo cannot comprehend the meanings of the behavior as described by the OP. Yes, I am sure he understood about locking the door so no one would see, but not the behavior inside that room.

I think the OP has some legitimate concerns and may be struggling how much weight to put on her response and how she feels about it overall. I think the parents of the 6 yo are either in denial or there is something going on they don't want others to know about, but clearly are underplaying their part.

I think it should be enough for the church to be aware of it, not allow more than one child at a time in any room without supervision, even remove the lock from the door. I don't think isolating the 6 yo through shame and publically outing the behavior is the way to go.

Every parent should be aware of what is considered normal sexual behavior by age for their children. If I were to voice an opinion it would be that this child is copying something he probably saw (whether it was pornography or seeing someone who should have closed a door) or something he heard (what if there are teenagers in the home that saw one dog licking another in that way and had a lot of comments about it). Maybe it is something he has experienced, but approaching the situation with healthy alarm and with a generous amount of compassion would be preferred over this suggestion.

I'm glad the OP had taught their child to be open about telling his parents this happened. That was very brave of him.

Would you want to be the parent of the next - child that 6-yo victimizes

[ In Reply To ..]
--and there will be a next child and a next and a next--if no one does anything. The other parents have a right to know there is a problem with that 6-yo so they can keep their own children safe from him. How would you feel to be the parent of his next victim only to find out another parent knew about him but didn't warn anyone? I could not live with myself if another child was hurt by him because I said nothing. He planned his actions in advance, knew they were wrong, and chose to do it anyway. He is not to be trusted around anyone else's child. The other parents have a right to have the information they need to keep their own children safe from him. I don't care how you think that sounds.

Victimize? - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Come on! We are talking about a 6-year-old child! NOT an adult, NOT a teenager. This would worry me if these children's ages were further apart.

There could be any number of reasons why this occurred. Children at that age tend to repeat things. Maybe he saw or heard something somewhere, on TV, perhaps, that was not appropriate for children, who knows? This does NOT in any way indicate that this child will be a sexual deviant!

Why don't you just brand a scarlet letter on the kid's chest while you're at it and go ahead and have him register as a sex offender right now and get it over with?

I'm not saying I blame the OP. for being upset, but making snap judgments or ostracizing the child is not the way to go either.

I honestly don't know what I would do if it was me. I believe, though, if I honestly didn't feel comfortable leaving my child in the nursery at that church, I would find a different church. I think the added peace of mind I would feel would be far worth any inconvenience it would cause.

Yes. Victimize. That kid LOCKED THE DOOR - He planned his actions in advance.

[ In Reply To ..]
and made sure he wouldn't be interrupted or caught. He knew what hwas doing and PLANNED it. He is not safe around other children and other parents have a right to know what he is capable of doing. HE LOCKED THE DOOR. I think the OP's child is lucky nothing worse happened. Sometimes a kid is just a bad seed. Just because he's six doessn't mean he should be allowed to continue to harm other children when his proclivities have been made very clear by his behavior.

Now it turns out it was the 6-yo's own grandmother who sent him into that bathroom with the OP's small child. It is very unlikely she was unaware of what he was capable of doing. She needs to be removed from the care of other people's children since the safety of another person's child apparently meant nothing to her.

It is very likely that that family knows exactly what that kid is up to and they should be held accountable and the other, smaller children he seems to favor as victims need to be protected from him. It is nothing more than irresponsible, overboard political correctness to be too timid to speak up and protect the other children. That kid is a menace and deserves no special consideration if special consideration puts other children at risk.

Again, I do not care what you think, but I'm glad my children are not in your care as you seem more interested in protecting the deviant than the innocent victims.

I really feel you do not grasp the concept of what - AARPMom

[ In Reply To ..]
a 6 yo child is or is not capable of understanding. I have a lot I could say on this topic, but I will not bring myself to your level. I wish you peace.

This one is apparently capable of anything. - You just don't want to understand.

[ In Reply To ..]
They understand a great deal more than most adults think they do. Again, it is very fortunate that kid did nothing worse to the OP's child.

And why should the OP's family be the ones who have to leave the church? They did nothing wrong, their child did nothing wrong. It is the other family that should no longer be welcome there. Especially now that we learn that the grandmother facilitatated the behavior, and the mother dismissed it as unimportant. None of them should be allowed near anyone else's children.

And I'm sure that "peace" you wished me is a euphemism for something else. You can keep it.

What I understand is your lack of - AARPMom

[ In Reply To ..]
empathy. No, I did not mean something else when I wished you peace. I was being sincere when I said that. It is obvious your life has never brought you face-to-face with children suffering from sexual abuse. Charmed life that. I'm not saying this to brag or be mean, but I have worked with children who were being abused. I wish you the peace free of seeing it, caring for the child in the aftermath, and being free from the hurt of the experience.

Yes, I wish you peace.

bless your heart for having strength and caring for children of abuse. - n/m

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

Check out bulllyusa - an organization about bullying. Yes - a child of 6 can be a dangerous bully.

[ In Reply To ..]
In fact, if physical contact is made between the child bully and their victim, the police should be contacted.

I wouldn't do that- - ticchick

[ In Reply To ..]
that is only going to hurt this child, who obviously has already been victimized in some way. I would merely speak with the pastor, and perhaps he could announce to all parents to be sure not to send their children to the restroom alone, and the nursery should be sure to send an adult with every child, and that way problem solved without 'outing' anybody. He is a child, not an adult predator.

One Thing... - Oldie

[ In Reply To ..]
I think one thing NOT to do is keep bringing this up in front of your child. Children get over most isolated incidents quite quickly, but if the parents get all freaky (not saying you are, just adding to the conversation here), then the child gets freaky.

I feel this should no longer be discussed in front of your child and everyone should carry on.

It's totally unclear what the 6yo's motive was, and definitely this kid shouldn't be punished--he's way too young. It's ODD behavior, in my opinion, for a 6yo to lick a butt. That's different from "I'll show mine if you show yours" behavior.

And little kids shouldn't be going to public bathrooms by themselves anyway. Yes, I consider a church bathroom public. A trusted grown-up should always accompany any child. I wouldn't let any kid of mine go to any non-private bathroom without me.

I would not have sent him alone, either... - worried parent

[ In Reply To ..]
well, since it is a one-toilet bathroom, I would have, but I would have waited outside in the hall. We have people assigned to the nursery to take care of the kids during the sermon and I think that this lady screwed up. She thinks that she screwed up, too, but she felt it was okay, as this 6-year-old is her grandson. I really don't think that any harm was meant, but it was bad judgement and I really wish it had not happened to my child. I don't really know what the best thing to do in this situation is, but I am certainly trying to not make more of it than it needs to me, but to also err on the side of protecting children. As I said, I think that my child will be fine and is probably less affected than I am, but it makes me sad that this could have been prevented.

My husband and I have decided.. - worried parent

[ In Reply To ..]
that the best way to handle this is to go to the pastor and seek his guidance. My concern is that I do not want to alienate anyone, but I also want to make sure that this boy gets help if he needs it and that it doesn't happen to anyone else. As someone suggested, we had already not been speaking of this in front of my son, as we want to minimize the impact on him. My first inclination is to be angry with everyone involved, but I feel sure that nobody saw this coming and there was no malice involved. The child's mother is inclined to brush it off, not because she thinks it is okay what he did, but I think because she does not want to accept the possibility that there could be a problem there. She adressed the behavior with him by punishing him (which I think was probably not the best way to handle it, but he is not my son) and that is why I think that he is unlikely to tell her if someone has done this to him. I really don't want to see him hurt by this, I just want him to get help if he needs it. The easiest thing for me to do here would be to put the situation to rest, but sometimes the easiest thing to do is not the right thing and I know in my heart that this needs to go further.

Animals - lick behinds

[ In Reply To ..]
I haven't read all of the replies, and don't know if this has been brought up before...

I also don't know what kind of environment the people involved live in.

But if I knew of a 6-year-old who was curious about licking behinds, I might not immediately assume that it was from another human where he learned it... but from an animal. I know my 5-year-old has frequently asked me why the cat licks his own butt, and dogs... don't even get him started.

It's not an outlandish jump for him to (if he doesn't feel comfortable asking an adult about it, or never got a good answer) try it out and see what's so great about it.

Animals vs humans - childhood curosity

[ In Reply To ..]
While I am saying I can understand the shock factor to the parent, my feeling/opinion for what it is worth...This is not the type of behavior a child would see in a playboy magazine, or a pornographic video he happened to see playing at night when someone thought he was tucked away asleep in his bed. So I would venture a guess it is coming more from something he has seen an animal do rather than a human. I can't think of too may humans that lick each others butt during a sex act. So if this boy had it in his head to see if he, in his 6-year-old mind, could see what it felt like, he can't reach his own so he would have to have someone elses available in order to find out. Strange behavior, yes, but it could be chalked up to childhood curosity. It could be this child isn't the brightest bulb on the tree. I don't think I would blow it out all out of proportion. I would tell my son, not to go in the bathroom when this child is in there and to make sure he locked the stall door when he is in a "public" bathroom alone and specify "public" is any bathroom that is not in his own home. And then I would drop it and chalk it up to one of the stupid things kids do when they are growing up.

My only problem here is that if it were innocent experimentation... - worried parent

[ In Reply To ..]
why would he feel the need to be so sneaky about it? While my son knew that it was not good touching and that he didn't like it, he did not fully recognize what a big deal this really is. The other boy did, which makes me believe that it is probably not just something he saw a dog do and wanted to try. Again, this is just my take on it and I really don't know for sure, but wouldn't it be a shame if this child is screaming for help, for all adults involved to ignore his cries? I really feel like we, as adults, have a duty to this child to explore this a little further.

Sure, you're right - but...

[ In Reply To ..]
Just hope that he doesn't get punished for being a kid. Or he doesn't get punished for that "cry for help." Yeah, I think in his mind, he probably knew it was something that was "weird," or he shouldn't have done - or just EMBARRASSING curiosity he didn't want the whole world to know about.

It's also our duty to allow children to be children. This is the time in his life when it should be okay to explore his questions - not so much when he grows up.

Anyhow, it's a tough one. We weren't there. Good luck!

Good call!! nm - ticchick

[ In Reply To ..]
xx

In today's world... - JFK

[ In Reply To ..]
the 6-year old would just be considered a homosexual child and doing what comes "natural." Tolerance for any behavior will soon be the "norm." I hope all you homosexual supporters are happy. ; )

I hope you didn't hurt yourself making that leap. - Sheesh

[ In Reply To ..]
Let's not forget that this happened where? In church!

Let's not forget... - JFK

[ In Reply To ..]
the Catholic church and all the child molesters it embraces. Church is not protection from foul play. Having a relative who was molested by a trusted and beloved family member who sat in church every week gives me some insight. This 6-year-old boy needs help. I guarantee you he was molested himself, otherwise he would not be trying this. And, the fact that many in today's world embrace the acts of homosexuals to a pathetic degree, my observations are not that much of a leap.

Take out a notice in the church bulletin - Everyone needs to know!

[ In Reply To ..]
You should be telling all the other parents what happened so they can protect their children from this molester-in-the-making, and you need to be demanding regular updates from the parents of the offender on what they are doing to fix their little pervert.

Thank you! Finally, somebody else who - gets it.

[ In Reply To ..]
I was berated and accused of wanting to label this little demon with a "scarlet letter" for suggesing that the other parents had a right to know about him so they could protect their children from him. Everyone rushed to defend him and deny the rights of others to be free of the threat of his molestation. I was beginning to think everyone cared more for the molestor than for the victim and other potential victims. Sometimes a kid is just a bad seed, and the rights of his potential victims take precedence over the bad seed's self esteem. I'm glad someone else has some concern for the other children he will surely molest if he others are not made aware of him.

Oh Pleeazzzeeee! - overreacting

[ In Reply To ..]
Put it in the church bulletin so the entire congregation knows? What country are you living in? We are talking about 5 and 6 year old children here and you want to label him a child molester? He is a child himself. Who are you to diagnose him? Next you will want him put on Megan's list.

The question was asked why did he close and lock the door if he didn't know it was wrong. For the same reason a kid hides behind a couch and colors on the walls or eats candy he found. He knows he isn't supposed to do it but he is a kid and his ability to realize the consequences of his actions are out of his reasoning power. Over-reacting will do more harm than good. One kid will hide even more and the other will not want to tell someone if something happens because of the big scene it caused before. Adults are not labeled child molestors without being diagnosed and evaluated. So this 6 year old child has been labled and tried and convicted by a jury of one or two.

I sort of agree, but then I was thinking... - worried parent

[ In Reply To ..]
How angry would I be if I found out that he did this to someone else a week or two ago and noone said anything to anyone and now it has happened to my son? What if it escalates? I know that these are big "what ifs," but to protect other children,as well as to get the 6-year-old help, someone needed to know. I do not think that the entire congregation needs to be talking about this, as it would make for wonderful gossip and that is not constructive for anyone. Not only does that serve to hurt the 6-year-old, it could also hurt my 4-year-old child. We took the action that we believe was best at this time and we will see what happens. I hope that this does not turn into a big problem for us because I really do love the people that I have met at this church, but since we are fairly new to the church, we have to be prepared for possible fallout. I guess if that happens, it was not the right place for us to begin with.

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