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So angry

Posted: Dec 29, 2009

My ex and I divorced YEARS ago. I've been re-married for 14 years now, have grown children from the first marriage. The relationship I had with the ex was horrible, he was unfaithful, emotionally abusive, manipulative, on and on, and as a father he was just as bad. When the divorce was final it was like he was done with me AND our kids, yet every so often he would get drunk or stoned and call letting me know how miserable he was and how he knew he screwed up and still loved me, yadda yadda yadda.

He's pathetic and I've got nothing but bad memories of him and don't ever want or need to have anything to do with him. He NEVER paid child support, never voluntarily came to visit and had been moved back to our home town for 9 months before he came to visit our kids once!

Here's the deal, he's apparently deathly sick now and has asked my 29 year old daughter to ask me to come to see him. I told her I was very sorry he was so sick, but had nothing to say, nothing I needed to absolve myself of and that he and I were done decades ago. He's got nothing to say that I need to hear. She relayed the message, but he's still bugging her. Daughter is very put in the middle and upset. I hate seeing her so sad and NOW the ex-in-laws also are calling me!

This is seriously going against my grain. I feel for my kids, but seriously don't want or need to see him. I made peace with this situation long ago and moved on to a healthy relationship.

Any advice/opinions as to how to handle this?

~haunted

;

My opinion - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Well, if he is very ill and may die, I would just go and see him, if it were me. Regardless of all of the bad blood, you do have children together (though they are grown) and you could see him as a support in a sense for your children, if nothing else. Why not take your husband and your grown children with you to see him and ask him what he needed to speak to you about with them there.

I agree with this post. As well, what he needs - Gumby

[ In Reply To ..]
may not be about you, it may be about him clearing his conscience and confessing his wrongdoings. While I know this is neither here 'nor there to you, it is a gift you can give to him as the father of your children. I know he probably gave you no gifts or love as the mother of his children, but you seem to be a loving person. Let him talk, confess, or whatever. I think if it were me and he did, in fact, die, I'd always wonder what he wanted to say to me.

Tough situation and hugs to you.

Go see him. - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
xx

Yes, go see him - Sher

[ In Reply To ..]
Maybe he needs to say something to you that he feels is important - even though you don't, and its possible eventually you might regret not going for the sake of your kids. (My husband was in the same situation a while back and now regrets not going and wishes he had, although he adamantly refused to at that time). If he is dying, be the better person and treat him the way he never treated you!

I would see him. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
If he may die, it may provide him with a little peace, and more importantly, it could be a way to support your children through this. Surely, there is nothing he could say or do that would change the bad history, but occasionally we are called upon to make a sacrifice, a gesture of kindness.

That being said, I wouldn't travel across the country to visit him. But if he's nearby, if your children want you to do this, then I would see him... briefly. Let him say his piece. It sounds like he's wanting your forgiveness. You don't have to give that to him if you can't do so. But you can always tell him that you appreciate what he has to say and thank him for being honest.

I wouldn't go (sm) - Mushroom

[ In Reply To ..]
IMO he's still trying to manipulate you and I don't really see how it will help your grown children for you to be stressed by going to see him (and I seriously doubt your present husband or SO would want to go see him, either). Your kids are certainly old enough to understand your feelings about this. If your feelings about it are as strong as they seem to be, don't let anyone guilt you into it. Best wishes to you, it's a difficult situation and really only you can decide what to do, but sometimes we have to put our own sanity first.

haunted - reality check

[ In Reply To ..]
DON'T GO! If you don't want to go, don't go. My ex used to beat me and was horrible, crudy human too. He finally got locked up for 25 years and called one day 'cause he had to "clear his conscious". I told him to F* off and I meant it and have absolutely no regrets.

These posters want YOU to do something for HIS sake??! BS! He CHOSE to treat you and your kids the way he did, he did it willingly and purposefully and now because he's sick you're suppose to be the bigger person and ALLOW him this? Forget it. I'm sure your grown kids know the situation and if not, nows probably the time to clear the air. If it's really ugly, they will understand and support your decision.

You have a clear conscious about it right? That's what matters. You weren't the one who made all the bad life choices, he did. Reap what you sew.

Like it or not, he is still the father of her children - Gumby

[ In Reply To ..]
She obviously loved him enough at one time to have children with him. I'm sorry, but I couldn't do that to my kids. I've seen how that pans out in my own extended family minus the death part. My niece and nephew are torn and rebellious teens because of it.

To quote Miss Tina, "What's love got to do with it?" It's not her love for the ex, it is for the love of her kids. I can't imagine growing up thinking how one part of my being (father or mother) was rejected while being sick. How do you think that makes them feel? If they mess up, mom might not be there?

Urg. Sorry. I went on a rant there and honestly it's not about you reality check. I'm just seeing this go on with my own family and it makes me so sad. Ultimately, I see kids hurting because adults can't pony up and be ADULTS. Of course, I realize the poster's children are adults, but I reacted because the one's in my family are not.

re: gumby - reality check

[ In Reply To ..]
She said he was a HORRIBLE father, just like he was horrible to her. If I'm reading between the lines, he was probably never there for them either. I bet it would just make her sick to have to do this just for the sake of her kids. She should only do it if she WANTS to, and it doesn't sound like she wants to.

He's still manipulating, but now it's their grown daughter, not her anymore. These type of people NEVER EVER CHANGE. That's why they usually end up like this, dying alone with no one that really WANTS to be there, the kids are probably just there because no one else is, which is why the ex-in-laws are calling her to deal with it again. They don't want to be there either.

He sounds rotten to the core, like my ex.

Lets look at it like this: Would you want your DAUGHTER to go and visit the man that made her miserable and treated her and their children horribly? someone who was abusive to her, unsupportive, unfaithful... I don't think so.

How does meeting with the ex help the kids? - BS

[ In Reply To ..]
This lady does not owe her children a meeting with their father.

People have to be responsible for themselves, and this is one of the greatest lessons we can teach children of all ages.

I agree with this...nm - no

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

I think a part of you wants to go and do this - for him, your children, whatever reason

[ In Reply To ..]
Otherwise you would not be asking for others' opinions and advice.

If there is even a small part that thinks you should, or want to, or whatver, for WHATEVER reason, then you should go. If you don't, that little part of you will never go away.. but then it will be too late.

Regret sucks.

I think she really does not want to go, but she questions...sm - no

[ In Reply To ..]
herself if it is the right thing to do. Yes, it is, considering how he treated her and her children. I would not go.

I also would go and see, I too suffered a lot - Abused one

[ In Reply To ..]
with verbal, emotional and physical abuse. That now has been gone in my mind for some years. I do not hold any grudges against my ex and just glad the other woman got him. I wound up with a wonderful man that I love deeply with all my heart. Just think if still with the first, what about this great one. I would go and see if that sick and asking for you. You should have no regrets about the decision.

stuck in the middle - me too

[ In Reply To ..]
If it was that huge of a deal to my daughter I would just give him permission to call me and give him a chance to get things off of his chest. That lets your daughter off the hook anyway and you don't have to travel or be stuck on the spot to hold his hand, forgive him, etc.

I wouldn't go, it will be too upsetting for you and he does not deserve it..nm - no

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

You state you've moved on, but your words indicate...sm - Obviously....

[ In Reply To ..]
....otherwise. I resented my ex for years and years, but finally had the opportunity to take the bull by the horns and make peace with him and the past. I can't tell you how much weight was lifted off my shoulders. While I wouldn't give him a second chance in this century or the next, it's easier to get along with him now and easier on my kids as well as grandkids. He's even come to my house with whatever g.f. he had at the time (although he's now older and has decided to just be single). For me, it certainly makes life much easier. Going to see your ex might well do the same for you. It all comes from within and mentally. Seeing him doesn't have to "mean" anything - just that you have compassion for an ill and possibly dying human being. Good luck.

sm - meMT

[ In Reply To ..]
Maybe this is a gift you can give your children, showing them what forgiveness really means. Rise above your own needs (your last few sentences were all about you) and do this for the best of everyone involved,not just do. It will be a wonderful example to your kids. If he does pass away, you may one day regret not visiting him.

DONE - Haunted no more

[ In Reply To ..]
Thanks for weighing in for me. I had a very talk with the kids then with my pastor and more importantly, my mom.

I don't owe the ex anything. I'm over it and I'm at peace.

The time talking and forgiving and getting past and over stuff was done and over long ago. Even when crud was really bad, and it WAS bad, I left the door open for an opportunity for a decent relationship with me (for the kids sake) and encouraged him to be around for the kids. He chose not to be there. He chose to continually be abusive and manipulative. I will never allow him another opportunity.

This man simply is a bad person. Rotten to the core. This is why he is alone now. Everything he has done is what he wanted to do, a conscious choice.

I am not going. I have always been a strong, supportive parent. My children are adults now, the time for me to hold their little hands and protect them from the big bad man is done. They know him for what he is, just like I do.

Thanks again. You all are great for listening and honestly speaking your minds. I appreciate it.

Happy New Year - I mean that sincerely

[ In Reply To ..]
:>

Good - Vikefan

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm glad you made peace with it. Now let it go. Give it to God and forget about it. I'll keep you in my prayers. :-)

Sad situation - Vikefan

[ In Reply To ..]
Wow. That's a rough one. You said he'd call while drunk or stoned? Would you say he might be an addict or alcoholic or recovering alcoholic/addict? From a recovering alcoholic's perspective, I can tell you he may want to make amends before he dies. Now, your choices are to accept them or ignore them. As far as A.A.'s guidelines, he only has to make an honest attempt to "make a list of all persons he has harmed and make direct amends to such people except when to do so would injure them or others". It will make him feel 1,000 times worse if you don't let him do it, but you are not in any way obligated to accept his amends. You go with what you feel. He did his damage and he has to live with it. I would go see him, but only briefly, and wish him well. You can stay and hear him out if you wish, but don't do anything that is going to drag you down.

I wish you the best of luck and I'm so sorry about the whole situation. I have one person who never accepted my amends and to this day, it cuts like a knife but I have to go on and live with the consequences of my drinking. This was a dear friend of mine and I'll miss him, his wife and kids and I have to live with the fact that I lost the right to know how they're doing, to know they're safe and to know how the girls are doing.

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