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How is your parenting effected by the way you were raised?
Posted: Feb 16, 2012
I am always interested in how people raise their own children and if their approach is at all influenced by their own upbringing -- say if they imitate their own parent's or if they totally reject anything that might suggest doing things the way their parents did it. I have had many friends and acquaintenances who absolutely rejected anything close to what their parents did. To my way of thinking, their parents could not have been totally wrong.
Personally, I come from a background where work ethics was pounded into us. Also our behavior must meet with strict guidelines, such as saying Thank you and Please always. Food manners were very important. I still follow my parents's teachings with regard to manners and etiquette. One of their values was that children should be seen, but not heard from. In this day and age, my parents would never be able to enforce this. Children are certainly heard very loudly and often disrupt family gatherings. I guess I am still kind of old-fashioned and believe that children should show respect to their elders and be seen and not heard from. Of course, I do not go along with complete silence from children and think they have a right to their opinions too.
So that pretty much sums up how I was raised. Anybody have any thoughts on this issue or do you agree or disagree with how children are raised these days.
I must add one more thing though. I am very thankful that we no longer discipline children with whips, belt buckles, wooden handles, brooms, etc. My parents did not do this, except for light spanking. I had cousins who were not so lucky. Their parents regularly beat them with whips, belt buckles or about anything they got their hands on. This was way back before the days of child abuse or CPS services. Parents could pretty much do what they wanted to their children in the way of punishment. My uncle was tied to a tree like a dog all day for misbehaving. Then on farms I have heard kids were shut up inside of chicken coops. I could go on and on, but you get the point. From the way these people acted as adults, I don't think this helped them at all -- they just grew up to be very violent in nature and did the same to their own children. Anyway enough on that subject.
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I took every method my mother used with me - And did the opposite (LONG) - Lucky mom here!
[ In Reply To ..]Yep, you read that right. My mother was a nightmare, a verbally and physically abusive woman who could not contain her dislike for her two daughters and we grew up in absolute shuddering fear of her and those vindictive words and aggressive hands. We were so terrified of her that, if she'd lift her hand up anywhere near our head/face area, we'd cower like wounded animals with our hands and arms covering our heads while she'd giggle and say, "Look at them...why, you'd think somebody was HITTING them!", so all her friends probably thought my sister and I were some sort of loons.
When I had my daughter, I took every way my mother handled a situation with me and completely 180'd it. I never, ever gave "Because I said so!" as a reason for denying something, never ever was too busy or tired to listen to whatever my daughter had to tell me, became her best friend and confidante by being firm but kind, understanding and honest with her about everything, and never, ever failing to support her and her dreams. Yep, just quickly gauged it in my mind and did the precise opposite of however my mother handled those types of situations with sister and I.
She's now 22 years old, in college, never been in any trouble, has been engaged for two years, and we speak every single day. When she comes to visit, my husband says it sounds like two chipmunks chattering away, lol!
It is possible to break the cycle of abuse, or even to learn a great deal just based on the way you were raised and handle it with your kids the way you knew would have been effective when you were a kid, if that makes sense. Nothing confused me more than that dreaded, "Because I said so!" excuse growing up, and as I got older and realized my mother had said this because she simply had no valid reason for whatever it was she was demanding, this was her crutch; that was the first thing I swore I'd never say to my daughter, and I have never have.
I also worked FT as a single parent the entire time she was growing up. Every night at 8:00 p.m. was bedtime, but I had gotten her an extensive library of books (Little House on the Praire - all of them, Goosebumps - all of them, etc), so every night she'd pick the book she wanted me to read with her and I'd read to her for at least an hour (longer if it wasn't a school night) and then talk about the story. Let me tell you, those LHOTP books were pretty darned entertaining and I'd have never thought to have read them on my own, so I enjoyed the time together learning new things with her as much as she did. Even when it was her bathtime, I'd sit in the bathroom with her and she'd tell me all about her day and her friends at daycare or school, depending on her age. I tried to take even the most rudimentary activities and make them "quality" time to make up for working so much, especially times when I was working extra to pay for ballet and gymnastics classics (easier to quickly earn extra money for such luxuries back in the 90s than it would be today, to be sure!).
I had a great time raising my daughter to be a fine young woman and I'm just so proud of what I managed to do on my own that I could burst. She couldn't have turned out any better and it's a privilege to call her my daughter.
You and I are very like-minded mothers - - Also Long
[ In Reply To ..]Thankfully, my upbringing was not so horrific, but more one of (not so) benign neglect. My parents were partiers, my father a musician, and most weekend mornings I would get up an step over passed out drunks in the living room and snack on stale, cigarette-smoke flavored potato chips for breakfast. Two of my sibs became alcoholic, following right in their footsteps.
Anyway, their narcissism and partying left my siblings and me pretty much on our own, and we became pretty self-sufficient, but emotionally bereft. I wound up marrying an alcoholic the first time because it was what I had grown up thinking was "normal" and my first two boys got the brunt of my inexperience and the imprinting of negligence left by my parents. Neither of them is doing so well at 41 and 35.
I divorced, went into therapy, let the boys go live with their now sober father (mistake) and four years later married my current husband, who had a like background (to mine), and we decided we wanted to do it right.
We had our son and our daughter. I because an MT and worked at home from the time my son was born, and we raised them hands-on with love and consistency, maybe a little overindulgence since all they had were my husband and myself, but made them the priority all the time. Like you, I never said "because I said so," we did not allow bad language, hitting, but allowed plenty of playing. All their friends loved (and still love) coming to our house because we try to be warm and welcoming. They are now 22 and 20, son's got a good job, still lives at home (he knows he's got it good) and is saving up money to get independent. Our daughter's a junior in college, lives at home and commutes. Neither of them has ever caused trouble, a little pot on my son's part until he realized it gave him panic attacks, no smoking, no drinking, no running around.
Some positive things I did get from my parents, because they weren't all bad - frugality, which in this economy has helped us weather the storm, an appreciation for music, my mother's cooking ability, which I'm passing down to my daughter.
But where I never heard "I love you" in childhood, it is said in our house every day, and meant.
Where I never knew if my parents could be trusted to be where they said they would be, and do what they said they would do, my children grew up knowing that we could be trusted.
Where I grew up watching my parents go out and have fun, go on trips, live the high life while we were always at home, our children have experienced vacations, day trips, museum jaunts, water parks, etc with us as a family, building memories that they reminisce about.
While I can't imagine what it would have been like to cuddle with my mother, or even WANT to, my 22 year old daughter will still cuddle up with me watching TV, and that is the most precious knowledge of all!
Totally agree with above parenting styles. - Suzy Q
[ In Reply To ..]I applaud both posters above for not doing what their parents did. I have seen the effects that violence and abuse can have on people and they do tend to carry it on with their own children -- kind of sad really.
I want to explain more about my childhood. My parents were really good people and did have good moral values and work ethics, BUT my mother was mentally ill and on a mission to destroy herself and my father was a pretty bad alcoholic who also had depression. They were not able to show love or emotional support to us while growing up. I realize this is not physical abuse or maybe not even neglect, but being raised this way with no show of affection or caring can be hard on kids. My mother never hugged or kissed us. She almost never said I love you. Of course at that time she was fighting very real demons and was struggling just to get through life, day by day. I can count many times, probably at least 4 or 5 times when I would come home to see her either unconsious or bloody in the bath tub. I was only about 12 or 14 at that time. Of course no one paid her any attention and thought we should be raised by our mother, no matter how bad she got.
I have spoken of this with my sister, now that we are old and with grown children. This really has an awful effect on kids, making them feel helpless and fearful of being abandoned. We both have issues with anxiety in our lives now. I used to have recurrent dreams of watching in the sky to see my parents leaving in an airplane and laughing at me down on the ground. Also of being on beach and all of a sudden my family disappears and I am all alone on the beach. Things like this have really happened to me as a child in real life. I was left in a park along with sister and cousins to fend for ourselves while our parents stayed in a bar drinking almost all day. They did finally come out to get us, but no child should be left alone for such a long time with no money for food and nowhere to go for shelter. We were lucky that it did not rain that day.
Anyway you can see that my childhood was not a bed of roses either. I have often wondered which is worse -- to be physically abused or to be neglected as a child. I have had experts say being neglected, because at least you have your parent's attention if they are hitting you. Sounds crazy, but that is what I have heard.
Again I offer congratulations to those who have broken the pattern of abuse and neglect. It certainly can be done if you care enough and want your childrene to grow up loved and happy. I have a daughter who knows that I love her dearly. She has made me proud with her accomplishments which she would never have done if not for my support.
I showed her all the love I could, which was not easy because growing up without any love, you have to learn yourself how to give it. I certainly was not a perfect mother as I had issues with deprssion and anxiety and got into drinking too. But I always provided for my daughter and did everything I could to make sure she was loved and grew up in good home. That is all you can do really.
Not a Parent, but... - Parenting
[ In Reply To ..]Bless you for not doing to your own kids what your parents did to you. That horrible abuse cycle needs to stop. I'm not talking about a well-deserved swat on the hiney if the kid runs into the road without looking. I'm talking about the bad stuff, and a verbal punch is as bad as a physical punch. Unfortunately, many use both.
Okay, well, here's what they say: Be kind to your kids, they choose the nursing home.
I raised my kids as I was raised - Trampled underfoot
[ In Reply To ..]My parents were always fair-minded and empathetic and I tried very hard to be the same. Also, for some reason, I remember my childhood vividly, including how I felt about things and used that insight in raising my own children.
I was taken to church every Sunday from the time I was 3 weeks old and did the same with my children. I did not hesitate to give them a light spanking when they needed it and expected them to be willing to work once they were approaching their teen years.
Oh, and one other tip! NEVER buy a kid a car as a "gift". They can get a job and buy their own car once they've saved their money.
My boys are 32, 29 and 25 right now and never really gave us any trouble. I consider them a true blessing, certainly much better than I ever deserved.
What you said about gift-cars is the truth! - Meerkat - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I once had a nice landlord with a teenage son - just your typical, average kid. Nice, but not always that bright about things.
So after the kid got his driver's license, on his next birthday his dad bought him a car. Not just any car, either, but a brand-new, fancy, FAST car! WHAT WAS HE THINKING?!?!
It wasn't too long before one evening the kid, driving too fast on a narrow, winding road in his fancy car with all his friends in it, lost control and totalled the car.
By some miracle, no one was seriously hurt. Later, the kid asked his dad for a new car. Luckily, my landlord had either had some good advice, or learned a valuable lesson about buying kids fancy, fast cars as gifts. This time, he said, "No. You have to get a job, earn the money, and buy yourself your own car."
So for close to a year afterward, that kid was a PEDESTRIAN! He was a bicyclist! He bummed rides from friends! He took the bus! He had no car to use on dates! And he had few dates, because he was spending all his after-school time working!
He finally saved up enough to buy and insure a car... a nondescript old beater, but it got him where he needed to go, and you better believe he appreciated the convenience of having one's own wheels, and the privilege of driving! He took far better care of that old thing than he ever did of the fancy car, to the best of my knowledge, has never had a wreck since.
=^^=
That happens fairly often! - Trampled underfoot
[ In Reply To ..]Some parent will buy a kid a fancy sports car, only to have him wreck it and perhaps kill himself to boot! Your landlord was very fortunate the story had a good outcome.
My dad always said, "I'd never buy a kid a car..." and not only did we have to work for our cars, my sisters and I had to prove we "needed" it, which I did by working 2 different jobs and when it became too much of a nuisance for them to give me rides, I was allowed to buy a car, which my dad chose, as in, "I found a car for you. Do you want to buy it?" None of us argued with his choice of cars and, believe me, these weren't sports cars, nor were they new!
Only after I became an adult did I realize the depth of his wisdom.
I did buy my daughter a car -- very bad mistake. - Anon
[ In Reply To ..]Unfortunately, I did buy a car for my daughter and now I know this was the wrong thing to do. Her boyfriend stole her car and wrecked it while drunk. At least she was not in the car at the time, so that was very fortunate for us. She is older with teenagers of her own and says she will not just buy them cars and knows that it is better if they work for them. Sometimes we think as parents that we are doing the right thing, but in reality it is the wrong thing.
I guess we all learn by our mistakes in life -- some pay a high price though.
We bought our 2 daughters 1 car to share. - How it works.
[ In Reply To ..]The girls were given our old Jeep Cherokee. They worked at a daycare center after school. They had to pay for gas and repairs, and we paid the insurance. There were seat-beat rules, curfews, driving times, and no one else was allowed in the car EVER, without special permission. Yes, the car was totalled, but it was just a car and no one was hurt, and our daughter was not at fault. It worked out well for all concerned, and they shared 1 car all the way through college. They went to the same school.
My girls were raised with a loving firm hand. I did not spank them after they were 5-6, but they did suffer punishment and consequences for bad decisions or bad grades.
One rule I had was that we ate dinner together most every night, at the table, and with no TV. This was most of our conversation time with them. We discussed their day, their teachers, their activities, their friends, etc. This was a time when we could LISTEN TO THEM, and learn what was going on in their lives, what they thought about things, their plans, and to give guidance. As it turned out, it was one of the most important things we did in raising our girls because that is when they opened up to us (then, and long rides in the car). It made such a positive difference in my family's lives.
We paid for their insurance. We paid for dancing, gymnastics, horseback riding, ice-skating, chorus, and on and on. We paid for their first 4 years of college. This was not a totally "free ride." There were expectations and responsibilities, which they met. A couple of C's and we needed to talk. If there was a D more than once, we would cut off funding, and they had to finish in 4 years. They met these expectations beautifully, never made a D, and both were on the Dean's list every year. Basically, the girls were allowed to do much pretty whatever they wanted, within reason, as long as they gave us good grades, no breaking curfew or our rules. The only thing they were ever grounded for was fighting with each other.
Both girls went on to grad school, got their master's, and they paid for it. They became self-sufficient professional women. Now, one is married with 2 children, and the other is engaged to a wonderful man.
Personally, I did not come from such a loving family and I was never the kid that they were. I think I learned from the mistakes of my parents. I was absolutely involved in their lives and there whenever they needed me. I am a very lucky mom and I thank the good Lord every day for helping me raise my girls and move them forward in the right direction. Some parents are not so lucky no matter how hard they try or how much they give.
How do you know you are doing the right things? How do you know you are being a good parent since they do not come with manuals. I found out, and it takes a long time. When your kids are grown and responsible adults, they will tell you.
Gymnastics, Grade Expectations, Dancing, etc... - Anyone anorectic/bulimic from trying to be perfect
[ In Reply To ..]nm
you need help...not all dancers, gymnasts, etc... - sm
[ In Reply To ..]are bulemic or anorexic...my daughter did dance and she as well as her teachers, who by the way are EXCELLENT dancers, are on the larger side. You must have problems to stereotype, as that is what you are doing!
You didn't read my note - That Lady's got her kids in everything
[ In Reply To ..]Bulimics actually manage to maintain a good weight.
I'm not generalizing or stereotyping any one specific activity (okay, maybe gymnastics), but if you read my note, it encompasses this woman's dream to have her kids perfect in everything. That was my point I was trying to make.
I read it and no where in her post was the word... - sm
[ In Reply To ..]perfect used and you had nm...just the bulemia/anorexia comment...just sayin
I am the lady who "has kids in everything." - You assume way too much.
[ In Reply To ..]The chorus, dance, skating, horseback riding, swimming, gymnastics, etc., etc. were things that the girls (2) chose to participate in over a many-year period. There were 2 children who did these things over about a 10-11 year period. They would do one thing, get tired of it, and move on to something else. They would do one thing in the summer and something different in the winter. It was their choice. Believe me, NONE of these things were my choice and they certainly were very FAR FROM PERFECT. Actually, some things they literally were horrible at. The youngest one was dead last in every swim meet, and probably only hit a soft-ball 3 times in the couple years she played, but I was right there cheering her on and saying "good job."
I do realize the parents you speak of involving their kids in way too much, but I do not know how you assumed that from my post, or I expected perfection from them. Again, VERY FAR FROM IT. It was also stated that my children are now grown.
I did try to keep them busy and involved in something, and they stayed out of trouble. My butt still feels flat from sitting on bleachers cheering my kids on, while most of the time they embarrassed themselves. That's okay. It is part of growing up.
Oh, and P.S. - FYI about the grades. sm
[ In Reply To ..]Yes, I did demand good grades. My children were very intelligent, could ace a test without studying, and I knew what they were capable of even if they were lazy at times. No, they were not perfect but they became honor roll students through H.S. and made the Dean's list throughout college, except for Biology. In exchange for the fact that they stayed out of trouble, had demonstrated that they were very responsible, and made good grades, I did allow them many privleges and to share a car through college. I never imagined that they would go on to graduate school, receive master degrees, and are very responsible professional women today.
Again, I always tell them I am a very lucky mother. They still thank me to this day for constantly pushing them to reach for their dreams (not mine). When your grown children tell you that you were a wonderful parent and they imitate your style with their own children, that is the only opinion in the world that matters.
My neighbors did that with both their kids - sm - XXX
[ In Reply To ..]bought both kids, boy and girl, when they started driving vehicles. Boy got a mid-size pickup, no issues, responsible, etc. Girl, new Mustang, totaled it twice, and yes they got her third one, then she got pregnant, this is all between 16 and 17. Has a kid now, and luckily no more car wrecks.
I am not buying cars for my kids, I may buy a spare for them to use at times but it will NOT be their car.
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