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Did I overstep my boundaries with my son and his girlfriend?

Posted: Jul 18, 2016

My son just turned 24 and he and his girlfriend are having their second child in as many years. Basically, they had their first and three months after she was born, found out she was pregnant again. Obviously, they didn't practice birth control. They said they were discussing what method to use and didn't think she could get pregnant while breastfeeding. (Eye rolls here) Anyway, their second one is due in a month and the entire time she has been pregnant, the girlfriend has been telling everyone in her family and all of their friends that my son is "getting fixed" because she's done having babies. First, I think my son is too young to "get fixed." Second, I am of the opinion that if she is so adamant about not having any more children, she should get fixed since she's having a C-section anyway. And third, I really don't see these two together in the future since she is still married to her first husband and hasn't bothered to get a divorce and she was caught cheating on my son on at least one occasion at the beginning of their relationship.

I have very passively tried to voice my opinion by saying things to both of them like, "that's so permanent and you are both so young" or "what if five or six years down the road you want to try for a boy" (both babies are girls). My ex-husband and son's father has not been so passive. He basically told our son what he considers to be the horror story of his vasectomy. I'm not against vasectomy - aside from giving me my children, it was the greatest thing my ex ever did for me. But we were in our 30s when we made that decision, not our early 20s and we were MARRIED to each other.

Well, today I stopped being passive and just got aggressive about my opinion only because I log onto facebook only to see the girlfriend posting that she's tired of being pregnant and being pregnant for two years straight is for the birds. When her friends reply with sarcastic suggestions on the how tos of preventing pregnancy, the GF replies that my son "is getting fixed." I'm not a fan of posting your business on facebook and I really don't like reading anything negative about my children. My take on that was that the GF was making it sound like she was making the decision for my son, like she's the boss. Didn't like it and didn't like the idea of her pushing him into it. So I very clearly gave my opinion for the world to see, but in a nice way. Then I called my son and said I don't want to you do this because you're too young and you don't want to do anything permanent. The GF responds on facebook to me by saying my "little boy will be just fine, many men have survived vasectomies." I think told her that she should get a tubal if she was so adamant. She told me that she read that some women have "serious" complications from having a tubal. WHAT?!?! She read one isolated story about possible complications, but she somehow missed the fact that women CAN get pregnant while breastfeeding? She's an idiot plain and simple! I'm on the verge of telling her and my son how I really feel, like getting a vasectomy is like getting her name tattooed on his ass! That I don't think they'll be together down the road and then what, he meets someone else who may want a child him and he with her, but he can't. I know they think this is forever, but come on! She's still married to someone else! Finally, if this is none of my business, then she shouldn't have made it the world's business and posted on facebook!

So am I not supposed to have an opinion about my son. Am I not supposed to voice my opinion about my son? Have I become the stereotypical mother-in-law (even though she's not my daughter-in-law) interfering where I shouldn't?

;

Well... - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
...nobody can MAKE anyone get a vasectomy, but if your son is so weak as to be allowed to be bullied into it, then somehow, your son got the idea that men can be pushed around by women. Don't know where he got that message from, but here it is.

That being said, since your son doesn't use good judgment in women or doesn't seem to worry about getting her pregnant again, or other future women he will use poor judgment with, I think for future childrens' sake, the world is better off with him getting a vasectomy.

Frankly, they should both be "fixed."

They made their bed and now they can - lie in it.

[ In Reply To ..]
Let them be. They are both adults, even if they are young.

No, you are his Mom - Another Mom

[ In Reply To ..]
I did not read through your post very thoroughly but my response would be the same no matter what side you came down on. You see your young son in a very destructive situation and not thinking clearly. You have the right (and I think the duty) to advise and warn your son about bad decisions. My only advice, which you already know, is to choose your words and timing carefully so that it will sink in.

My prayers are with you, you are a loving Mom and I know that you see the situation clearly filtered through the lens of your loving unselfish mother's eyes.

In my son's younger years, he was involved with a woman that I strongly felt would be a terrible wife but I held my peace, and did not say anything.

There was a point in his "romance" where there was a major falling out and they went their separate ways. He was very unhappy about it but I said to him that if he had continued with this woman and married her, I would have lost all respect for him. I didn't mean to hurt him and I had not intended to say anything, I had just had had enough of that not-so-young "lady" and seeing him so sad and hurt, the words just came out.

Years later, he told me that she had attempted to get back with him but my words to him were the reason he decided not to go back to her. And later he met someone wonderful (and suitable) and he is happ, rather they are happy!

So, not that I am a great Mom or anything, I then learned that mothers can have great influence with their sons if they show a little restraint and wisdom; none if they nag and browbeat.

And certainly in matters of the heart, Moms need to be be very careful but there comes a time when saying something can save your dear son from making a very tragic mistake.

You are his mom, but........ - CA-MT

[ In Reply To ..]
while you "passively" voiced your opinion, that's really all that you're entitled to do. If you have a good relationship with your son and treat him like the adult he should be at this point, then you both should be able to have a discussion about your feelings. However, the choice is ultimately up to them. She does sound immature, but even if you feel it won't last, you shouldn't be voicing that to your son; it could send him farther away from you emotionally. Either way, with 2 children now, hopefully your son will grow up and be a great father to them whether he stays with GF or not. Good luck!

To the OP, Pick your battles. - Big One

[ In Reply To ..]
It's not like GF wanted purple curtains in the kitchen and you thought they should be blue. I have often seen my teen/adult children do something ridiculous and I just smile, shake my head, and grin. They know how I feel about it even if I do not say anything.

However, this is a big battle where I believe any parent would be entitled to speak up. The problem is you are voicing your opinion to the GF. BIG MISTAKE. She is not married to your son and she is not your DIL. You should take your son aside and talk to him. Do not say anything bad about GF. Do not say you do not believe this relationship will last. Tell him you believe the V is a mistake and will affect his future. Tell him just because he has 2 children with this woman does not mean he will not want children in the future. Tell him you are concerned because this might be an irreversible mistake. Again, nothing about GF or present children. Tell him you would like him to keep this conversation between the two of you, that you do not want it to affect your relationship with GF.

He may or may not agree with you, but he will think about it. If he decides against the V he is not going to say, "My mom doesn't want me to." He will just say no for whatever reason if your conversation gets through to him. If he goes through with it, he knows how you felt about it, he is an adult and entitled to make that decision, and you tried and had your say.

Thanks for all the advice. I have had a couple of - AngryMT

[ In Reply To ..]
private conversations with my son. I've planted the seeds. I guess I'm just having trouble standing back now and just letting him making his decision which I realize I have to step back now. It's so hard! I mean when I think about it the situation, I literally have to walk it off! It just makes me crazy! This girl met my son and within a year, got pregnant, quit her job, and now has a second child on the way. My son supports her and his kids and she thinks he ought to be doing the dishes and laundry and helping her because apparently being a stay at home mom is too much work for her! Now she's pushing him to get a vasectomy.

I have pasted a smile on my face for the last year or so because I love my son and I love my granddaughter and I love my granddaughter on the way. I have faked it with this girl and now I'm ready to explode.

I guess I'll just keeping on faking it for now. See what happens. So hard to let go.

Where is Dad? - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
Where is your son's father? This is a father-son talk, IMHO. If Dad is weak, that is very sad. Dad's are son's role models. Mom's are very important, but Dad is the role model, so if Dad is weak, the son is weak.

You son needs to man up and take responsibilities for his actions, and that includes not being "forced" into a vasectomy. I do agree with the poster who said he should probably have one since he is not mature enough to make good decisions. It's not just he who might suffer, it's the children he may produce again.

This is not a "mommy" situation. Stay off Facebook (you just get yourself upset). Step aside so Dad can be a dad.

My son's father has talked to him about this, but while my son has a friendly - AngryMT

[ In Reply To ..]
relationship with his father, there is little respect there. My ex was not a provider. I was the one working. I ran the household and took care of the kids. My EX-husband was lazy and contributed absolutely nothing to our family which is why he became my EX! So now when he sees and talks to our son, he may give advice, but my son pays little attention to what he says. My son respects me and we have a close relationship and so I feel I can and should give my opinion if necessary which is what I did.

As far as staying off of facebook, that advice should be given to the girlfriend. She chose to post this on facebook. I NEVER post anything personal about my life or my children's lives on facebook EVER! I never engage in facebook disputes either which is why when the girlfriend posted this on FB about my son, making him look weak and whipped, I responded accordingly. She has since deleted everything.

My son is not weak. I think he's young and he's in love, and therefore too stupid to make life changing decision right now! He should wait a few years, wait until his girlfriend divorces her HUSBAND, wait until AFTER he marries her if he that's what he wants. I don't my advice is unreasonable. As far as my son being "weak," he still young and you're mistaking immaturity for weakness. Boys take awhile to mature. I'm confident he'll get there and when he does, he may want more kids, maybe a son. I don't know, but he should keep his options open.

While this traditionally should be a father-son talk, we live in an age of non-traditional families. I accepted my role as mother AND father for my kids a long time ago and refuse to let old fashion notions get in the way of me doing what I think is best for my kids.

But thank you for your advice.

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