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Investigation Ideas

Posted: Feb 24, 2011

If you found a charge on your husband's credit card statement for a flower shop - how would you gather information? I don't want to ask him out right and get excuses. If I call the flower shop - will they give me that information??

TIA

;

well... - oboy

[ In Reply To ..]
If you're an authorized name on his account, you can call the CC company and at least find out if he made the purchase in person or if it was made via phone or internet. If made via phone or internet, it could be a fraudulent transaction. The flower shop might tell you to whom or where the flowers were delivered if you come up with a creative enough story.

FINAL UPDATE - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
Well, husband admitted to everything - been going on 6 months now. Says he doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce.

Sorry to hear this. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I was hoping it was just a misunderstanding. Good luck to you. At least you know we are here if you need to vent or "talk."

Tell him YOU want a divorce - and then...

[ In Reply To ..]
... do a better job of picking your next man.

Your ex cheated, this guy cheated, you are the common denominator.

Perhaps the flowers are for you... - Kendra

[ In Reply To ..]
I know that if I found a charge for flowers on my husband's credit card, that is the first conclusion I would jump to. I would be guiltily (but excitedly) awaiting my flowers. :D I think I would hold off on the investigation, if I were you. It might just bite you in the behind. Good luck!

Or mom or a sick friend, whatever. - At the same time

[ In Reply To ..]
do everything you can to get to the bottom of this before confronting him. Give him the benefit of the doubt, but dont play the fool. Look for clues...other credit card bills with suspect purchases, receipts tossed in the car (under the seat), glove box, console, trash or clothing pockets. Become more aware of his phone calls. Check out the call history on his cell phone, visit his email room. Go with your gut. If you come up with anything that sets off alarms, tail him in your car when he leaves the house.

BTDT. Vigilence did pay off. Hope you are mistaken, but after all is said and done, look out for #1. If you are wrong about it, forgive yourself.

I don't know about this.... - Kendra

[ In Reply To ..]
I guess that maybe if you think the hubby is cheating, then it is probably not a great relationship, anyway, but if it is, I can't help but think this kind of behavior would make it a bad one. I would try not to do anything to my husband that I would not want him to do to me. I have the password to his e-mail, but I would never look at it unless he needed me to. If he is not cheating and finds out that you have been checking up on him, you might ruin the relationship, after all.

My intent was to provide investigation ideas - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
as was called for in the original post. I agree with your post. The Golden Rule is a wonderful basis for a relationship if it is being mutually applied by both parties. However, if that turns out to be a one-sided proposition, that's quite another story. Fooling around and/or cheating turns a relationship from good to bad faster than anything I can think of.

Using any of those methods should be predicated on giving the partner the benefit of the doubt. Having said that, she is entitled to an explanation about those flowers. Confronting him without evidence could also send the relationship south in a hurry. If making calls to the flower shop provides her with the answers she seeks, then of course, that would be the end of it.

On the other hand, if that same call leaves her with the same suspicions, she may decide to take further action. That is where the additional suggestions come into play. Naturally, she would want to use her own best judgment and proceed with caution based on the information she has before deciding what her next step would be, with the idea of restoring trust being first and foremost. No one wants to sneak around behind their spouse's back playing detective anymore than they want to see their worst suspicions confirmed. But if he is the one doing the sneaking, she has every right to do what she needs to do on her own behalf. Surely he would be the last one she could expect to glean the truth from if that were the case.

For me, sitting around hoping for the best and suspecting the worst is not an option.

re: do everything you can - qwerty

[ In Reply To ..]
Why do all this sneaking around? They're a couple (married I assume) so why in the world wouldn't you just ASK HIM?

Please!!! "look for clues"??? Check other credit cards, search the car? check his phone bill??? TAIL HIM????THAT would make him furious, especially if it's just a benign purchase!
AND, what does that say about YOU?

My policy is; HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY!

Sounds like you flat out don't trust your man, in which case you all shouldn't be together anyway.

p-l-e-a-s-e....!!!! Sneaky check everything???? OMG! Red flag!

She posted suggestions on how to - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
investigate. That is what the first post asked for. For whatever reason the OP was reluctant to ask him directly or she wouldn't have posted in the first place. A reasonable explanation was given in the second post.

The lack of trust was expressed in the original post. Why jump all over someone for trying to put herself in someone else's shoes before trying to answer a question? Shooting the messenger says more about you than it does about her.

more info - Silly Girl

[ In Reply To ..]
These charges were a month ago and to a flower shop in a town 4 hours away from us. We don't know anyone in that town and if it was family or friend news then I would be the one to handle order flowers.

Can't hurt to call the florist and ask. Just say - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
it is a "weird" charge and you are checking it out.

Well then - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
call and tell the flower shop that you did not make that purchase and think it may be a fradulent charge or possible identity theft and that you are trying to gather more information. When they hear ID theft, they usually will be sympathetic and cooperative. Does your husband ever have any occasion to travel on his job or have any friends in that general area that you know of? Just curious.

my suggestions - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Simply call the flower shop first and ask. IF they question, just say you are the one who handles the bills and you are going over credit card receipts and want to confirm this one and who the flowers went to as you don't recall the transaction. (you're trying to determine if it was business expense ...) I doubt they think twice before telling you.

My question is why you were looking at his credit card statement? Do you, in fact, handle those bills or were you already suspicious? Is that the only red flag or are there other charges or other things that make you suspicious? If you already had suspicions, I would think you might handle this differently than if it just happened to catch your eye while paying bills. I don't know never having been in the situation, but can imagine this would affect what info you are looking for and how far you want to go -- as far as another poster who said to look for other receipts, check phone logs, etc.

I guess my first suggestion would be to not jump to conclusions (unless you have prior experiences telling you this is something more) and just call the flower shop and start there.

Good luck to you. I hope all works out and it is not what you seem to suspect.

Unfortunately, the flower shop will probably not be able to - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
give you any info as far as who or where the flowers were sent to...by law, they have to protect that person. We have had someone steal my husband's credit card number and used it at various stores. All they could tell me was it was not local, because I asked, as I was so scared it was closeby. They gave no name, not what they bought, no address. Nothing. They said they had to protect the thief. So, you might not get anywhere by calling them, even though it was our account and I thought I had a right to know who this person was and any information they could give me, but no such luck. Why not just ask your husband, I was going over the bills and noticed there was a charge for some flowers some time back, you didn't order them and was wondering if he did. I would hope you could go to your husband and just simply ask. You might get more out of that by how he responds. That is just what I would do. This thing could eat you up otherwise.

Maybe shepays the bills, that is why she had - the bill. NM

[ In Reply To ..]
x

She can look at anything that comes in the mail... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
If he's stupid enough to have an affair and charge things to a bill that comes to his home she'd be better off without him anyway!

My situation was actually the opposite...there was a $2000 charge on our CC. I called to make an extra payment, the customer service agent told me the last purchase was for $2000 at a local jewelry store...my anniversary present, which was stunning!

I'd have guts enough to just ask him straight up... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
then I'd tell him that if I didn't get truth I would be phoning the florist and the CC company. If you are joint on the account they will tell you anything.

re: Investigating ideas - AC

[ In Reply To ..]
Exactly. Why haven't you just out right confronted him? There seems to be some distrust and distance in this otherwise you would have asked him.

If you "found" these charges on the bill, it's not a secret! just prepare yourself for news either way, good or bad.

I found charges for 2 dozen roses once. I had received one, a dozen red and pink roses, just because. I saw the bill and asked my husband about the other one, flat out. The other were a dozen of white and yellow roses to a co-workers wife, whose grandmother had passed. He and a couple of other people at work went in on it, gave him the money and he made the purchase. I remember him mentioning the grandmother's passing then too!

Anyway, WHY don't you just confront him about it. You have the evidence! Keep tiptoeing around and it's gonna make you crazy. BUCK UP! Get them big girl pants on.

re: AC - Tea42

[ In Reply To ..]
I would do just that. And you have a point, I mean OP did see the charges on the bill, it's not like she was sneaking through his briefcase or jacket pockets. He would have to know that the bill was coming to the house, right? It's not a secret then.

Just straight out hand him the bill and ask; "what's this" who were the flowers for?" His answer will either be immediate (good) or he will stumble around for an answer (bad).

What has happened to us as "couples" that we fear confronting each other when our hearts and minds are put at unrest? Shouldn't we trust each other and believe in each other enough to be able to ask a question in a situation like this? Why trip around and ask a bunch of people "oh, woe is me... I found this evidence, now what should I do?"...

Have a dear friend who went through this SAME thing - WARNING - REALLY LONG

[ In Reply To ..]
She was going through the credit card bills looking for a particular charge when she found a sizeable charge to a flower shop near her husband's work in downtown LA. The charge had been from the previous month so she kenw the flowers had not been for her.

She called the florist and spun some story that at least her got her the information that the flowers had been paid for in person and the gentleman who purchased the flowers had filled out and sealed the card so she (the florist) had no idea what the card said. She said he had requested a "rather large and impressive selection" of a variety of flowers.

She confided in me and asked my advice. I asked her, "What makes you think Mike would be cheating on you?"

She said, "How do you think *I* got him?" I had completely forgotten her husband had been married when they first met and had a rather long-term affair before his wife found out and left him, and he married my friend. All of this had happened before I met her so I'd pretty much forgotten about it. I told her it was obviously driving her crazy and, since it was quite obvious the flowers had not been for her, if I were her I'd probably confront him with it. After all, she hadn't been snooping or gathering evidence when she found the charge; she was looking for another charge and stumbled upon the florist's charge by sheer accident.

He told her that the flowers had been for a girl at the bank who had had a miscarriage, that everybody had pitched in for the flowers and he simply called to put them on his card.

Problem A: The florist told her that the gentleman had come in to the shop to place the order, it had NOT been a phone order.
Problem B: Dude was VICE PRESIDENT of the bank. How many bank VPs are going to run around on their own time gathering a collection for an employee.
Problem C: From social gatherings, my friend knew many of her husband's co-workers at the bank. After discreetly inquiring around, apparently no one else knew of this miscarriage or donations to buy flowers.

My friend pretended to buy his story. Sadly, about 6 months later, she was diagnosed with breast cancer that had metastatsized to her brain. She died about 3 weeks after diagnosis.

She went to her grave wondering what the real story was behind those flowers and, if the miscarriage story was true, just whose baby had the woman lost.

Good luck to you. Sorry this was so long but I haven't thought about my friend and her identical flower-shop situation in awhile and it just brought back a rush of emotions for me.

Call the shop see if you can garner any information - sm - ECMT

[ In Reply To ..]
that way. Does he ever get flowers for his mom, sister etc. My DH was getting flowers on occassion for his mother, which he usually told me about after the fact. After his last fiasco with Proflowers he hasn't done it himself, got sucked into some "club" that was a monthly fee, did not realize he did it. I had to cancel it and they got us for a month or two in fees (like the Verizon bill mentioned above/below this post). I think "we" have sent her flowers only once since then and of course I did the ordering. ---- If the flower shop is of no help then see if the credit card company can give you specifics, date time of transaction, was it from the store or phoned in? Was it a service that used that local store like FTD or something like that. After you do all that digging then I'd just pointblank tell him you were going thru the statements looking for X and noticed this charge for flowers and ask him who he bought flowers for and why he never mentioned the fact. Once he tells you who, why , etc, I'd follow up with that person and confirm. Hopefully it is just something innocent like flowers to mom for birthday or wedding anniversary and he just forgot to tell you.

UPDATE - Original OP

[ In Reply To ..]
I called the flower shop - it was a dozen roses to a girl and sent to her place of employment. I did not ask him up front about the charges because 6 weeks prior while doing laundry, a hotel key card fell out of his pants. I asked him about it and got 2 different stories 30 minutes apart and then that key card "magically" disappeared. It also plays in the back of my mind that he told me many times while dating that when him and his ex were married that he would cheat on her when going tdy... i have someone looking into the girl and will sit quietly for a while until i have all my facts in place.

OP - wad

[ In Reply To ..]
Seems to me you have enough "facts". Why are you checking up on the girl though? Confront your husband for gosh sakes! She has nothing to do with any of this, other than she is willingly sleeping with a married man. It's your husband who is out of line. Who knows what he told her! Leave the gal alone and focus your questions and anger on your cheating man.

What did you expect from someone who admitted cheated before anyway? Did you really expect him to "magically" be faithful. There's a saying that I'm sure you're very familiar with: "once a cheater, always a cheater"...

Time to decide if you're gonna live like this and continue to look the other way, or break free and be happy without him.

If you have kids, don't stay together for their sake.

if you decide to stay, don't let him get away with this without INSISTING on couple's therapy.

Don't think that THIS is what you are worth.

ADDITIONAL UPDATE - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
I am soooooo stupid!!!! I went to move one of my husband's deer hunting bags from the back room and a paper fell out - it was a confirmation for a hotel room for last weekend when my son and i were out of town. it was for 2 adults with a king size bed. I didn't say anything to him last night. this morning after he left for work i got on email and found hotel reservation confirmations for every weekend for the last 3 months (he told me he was going to deer camp). I'm going to take my son to school and then call husband and tell him he needs to come home. I knew something was wrong - I dealt with that with my ex husband. We've been married just shy of 11 years - i honestly and truly thought we were going to grow old together... :( :( :( :(

re: OP - sorry

[ In Reply To ..]
First off: YOU'RE NOT STUPID! You've been played by a professional cheater.

At least you found out. This could have gone on forever or until she got pregnant! It happens. You lived through it before, you'll get through it again. Have all your "evidence" on hand when you confront him and then give him the ultimatum. Leave or stay. If he chooses to stay, then I agree with someone above, tell him that he HAS to come to couples counseling with you.

11 years is a long time to invest in a partnership. I had 15 years invested in mine when my cheating husband and I finally called it quits. I also thought we would grow old together and especally thought that in our mid 40s we were WAY passed that cheating stuff. I mean, he's no stud, but whatever, there are low life women out there who are just looking for a meal ticket, just like there are low life men out there lying to these women to get then in the sack.

It hurts. It hurts a lot, but do not allow yourself to be played for a fool and do not believe his lies. It is best right now just to believe that everything he says is a lie and slowly, over time, try and build up the trust, ONLY after he has proved himself worthy.

Best of luck to you and all of your virtual gal friends have your back sweetie. You aren't alone in this. Let us know what happens.

~Meeghan.

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