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Household chorees
Posted: Mar 14, 2013
Hi, I just wanted to ask others, is the woman in your household responsible for all cooking, cleaning, child care, etc., or is it a combined effort with the significant other?
My husband was raised with five sisters, so he did no household chores growing up. He had to help his dad outside. Now, him and I both work the exact same schedule and we make very close to the exact same pay, except for some evenings/nights I actually have to work late. He never works late. During my 8-hour shift though, I also do a quick load of laundry, take the kids to and from school, stop and make my husband lunch when he comes home for lunch and take the dogs in and out to pee. Once we get off of work, I spend about an hour cooking dinner and caring for the kids, making sure showers are taken, school clothes out, etc. My husband comes home and sits down and relaxes the ENTIRE evening, he does absolutely nothing.
Last night, husband was in an ill mood and snapped and said the bathroom needed cleaning, he was tired of it dirty. I told him that perhaps he should clean it then and he said...."You are SUPPOSED to be a wife and mother, you should clean it." It baffled me, actually. He went on to say that NO men help with household responsibilities, after I asked him why if I make the same income he does and work as many hours as him, why it is STILL my responsibility to be 100% responsible for the housework.
I know that some of it is that he knows I'm home all day, so he thinks for some reason that I should be cleaning house and playing the housewife all day and nevermind how I make that income that we need and nevermind where my check comes from.
Just wondering if this is the same across the board, or if it is just a problem here.
;
uneven in my house - for sure
[ In Reply To ..]My husband works about 60 hours a week. I previously was working 50, but have cut that down to 30. The entire time we have been married, I have done everything. All cooking, cleaning, kid stuff, laundry, yard work, shoveling (in winter), raking, decorating for holidays, carpet cleaning, gardening, EVERYTHING.
I guess I felt previously that he worked so many hours that he should not have to do anything else. Now, I am kind of annoyed when I hear of other husbands who help, or even do half the work. Oh well, I created this monster.
In my house, whoever is working fewest hours does the most housework - sm
[ In Reply To ..]We don't really talk about it. It just sort of happens. When my husband worked, I did almost all the cooking and cleaning, although he did a lot of the grocery shopping on his way home from work. Now that he is laid off and I am working long hours, he cooks every night and finishes up with the dishes. I cannot, however, say he is great about doing other household chores such as cleaning bathrooms, dusting, vacuuming, etc.
No tit-for-tat here - see msg
[ In Reply To ..]We don't do a tit-for-tat, that's just silly. Sometimes I feel my husband doesn't do enough, but then I remember that he takes care of all the bills, all the insurance issues, all the cable TV problems, all the phone calls to this and that like the bank, whatever, when needed, repairs around the house, going to the accountant, etc.
Besides, you'd be surprised how much you would get out of your spouse if you just quit nagging. Try it, it might work. The less I nag, the more he does on his own. This only works if you haven't been nagging for years on end.
I actually never nag. - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I never even ask him to do anything, unless he demands I do it, then I will tell him to do it himself.
And my husband doesn't pay all of the bills, he pays half with his income and I pay the other half with mine.
By pay bills - ...I mean the paperwork
[ In Reply To ..]I'm talking about doing the paperwork, not literally with his own money.
So you guys are married and you actually don't share the checking account? Why are you so divided up? We just have one pot.
If you guys are having trouble, I can see why---all this division. You're supposed to be a unit. If you're so unhappy, make believe you actually like him, then leave when the kids are out of the house.
I didn't mean we literally split money - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Wow! We make the SAME AMOUNT of money each, which we definitely share. What I meant was, I make the same as him, therefore, he does not support me. We BOTH make our share of income.
Quick fix - Not the maid
[ In Reply To ..]Hire a housekeeper to clean the house and tell him half the cost is his to bear. Not only will it stop the resentment that you feel, it will give you more time to spend with each other and the kids. If you can't afford every week, do every other week, it makes a world of difference.
Mine charges me $80.00 and she comes evert other week,that breaks down to $40/wk, split the cost and it will cost you each $20/wk. well worth someone else vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the bathrooms and mopping the floors.
We do not share a checking account either?? - PR
[ In Reply To ..]My hubby and I do not share a checking account either. We have each other's names on the account IF one were to die, then the other would have access, otherwise he spends his money like he wants and I do the same. I pay certain bills at the home, he pays others and the large bills like home/vehicle insurance, property taxes and the like we divide and pay those. This works out wonderfully for us. I love it. There is no hassle ever for the money part.
Chores - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I don't think my husband has ever cleaned a bathroom, run the cleaner, mopped the floor or put the kids to bed. If he cooks something, he will do the dishes, or his definition of doing the dishes, and if we are entertaining he will help me out in getting ready. Sometimes he will cook, but not much. He does not deal with poop or vomit in any way, shape or form, dogs or kids. He usually does the mowing and the snowblowing, but I will every once in a while if it really has to be done and he is not home. I do the gardens. He does drive the kids around when needed. He does all the paper work and financial stuff, which I am glad not to have to worry about. That being said, he makes literally 7 times the money I do and works very hard and there is nothing that my kids or I are ever wanting for. He is also not really picky about the house being spotless, so I am not under a lot of pressure to get things perfect. I forgot to add he does do laundry, but never folds or puts away. I guess we have a pretty old fashioned way of doing things. I take care of the house and kids and he makes the money.
Nothing wrong with that - Old fashioned is good
[ In Reply To ..]Old fashioned is good. It means you're actually available to raise your kids, and you actually don't start nagging before your husband who works hard the minute he walks through the door.
When my hubby does something (even if it's not the way I would do it), I don't say a word--except of appreciation. Criticizing is a surefire way to get them to do NOTHING in the way of a favor anymore. Frankly, if someone constantly criticized the way I did something, I'd never help them out again.
I have a girlfriend who frequently asks her husband to fold some laundry. So, he does. And then she gets mad because it's not her way, not perfect, whatever. So, now, why should he fold any laundry for her again? Ditto when he cleans. Heck, I let my husband just do it. If I don't like it, I quietly fix it when he's not looking.
Just be sure - grits
[ In Reply To ..]that you know *how* to take care of all the paperwork and financial stuff, just in case you need to someday.
That is, assuming you don't already; you may be way ahead of me here :)
Household Chores - LinK
[ In Reply To ..]I'm lucky that my husband does a lot of the work around the house and outside of the house. He helps with the cooking, although I do most of it, the laundry, dishes, vacuuming, sweeping, cleaning, etc. He also does all the outside work in the summer and winter and takes care of our pool. I take care of the checkbook and make sure the bills get paid. The only things he doesn't do is clean the litter box and I do all the driving my daughters (well, daughter now as I have one in college) to various activities. I have a lot of friends whose husbands don't do a single thing around the house. I can't even imagine. It helps that he's been out of his house since he was 18 and needed to do all these things for himself. As for the person who talked about separate finances, I have a friend and her husband who have separate checking accounts and do whatever they want with their "own" money. I'm not sure how they pay the bills, though. They've been married for almost 25 years so I guess it works. It's strange when we go out to dinner and they ask whose turn it is to pay.
I got a real gem! - PR
[ In Reply To ..]I married a man who had been single for his entire life and he was 49 when we married. That was 12 (almost 13) years ago. The following is what he wants to do: He washes his own clothes and even has his own sewing machine and can and does mend his clothing and would do mine if I wanted. He told me he wanted to load and unload the dishwasher, fine with me. He cooks all meals (when he is home) and a good chef at that. He said for me to please stay out of the kitchen as we are both rather healthy now and why chance it? You think I mind? He can repair anything at all, anything. My little heater that I keep close by during work broke. I would have gone and bought another but he said let him try and sure enough, fixed. He has machine he uses to clean the kitchen tile with and says let him do that, again here is a lady not minding at all. Like I said, a real gem!
I have a gem, too - but then, I treat him like gold
[ In Reply To ..]What goes around, comes around. I treat my husband like a king. Which makes me the queen, you know.
I have friends who bicker over every penny, every chore, every this, every that. How silly and immature. You're a union. If one wants to be single, then stay single.
Marriage is about sharing, not delegating chores and that "honey-do" list. I told my husband one time: You don't tell me what to do with my day off, and I won't tell you what to do with your day off. Works out fine.
If you made a boo-boo and married a bum, then get out.
We kind of share, take turns, but he does most of it - of course he doesn't work either - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I would be baffled by his remark too. I think I would have said, what year do you think we are living in, of course men help.
Here is our situation. I work, he doesn't, so...
He cleans the bathrooms, although one day last month I went to use the bathroom and noticed the toilet needed cleaning. I didn't have any work to do and he was sleeping so I cleaned that toilet (not the rest of the bathroom though).
I cook most of the time, he helps with the cooking, like he cuts the chicken off the bones and gets it prepared for me to cook and he'll chop up the vegetables for the chicken soup. Depending on what we're making sometimes we both are at the stove and he'll be fixing one thing while I do another, but he does the dishes. I don't even know how to load up the dishwasher, though I learned it on my own the other day cos he wasn't feeling good so I did the dishes.
I do the laundry.
We have two rooms in the house with carpet. The TV room and his room. I vacuum the TV room and he vacuums his room.
On the weekends if I don't have any work to do I will straighten up and do dishes if I feel in the mood. We both sweep (whoever is closer to the broom and sees the dirt first sweeps it).
Cat duty I clean the boxes during the day until mid afternoon and he takes over and makes sure they are clean the rest of the day. We have covered buckets we keep the scooper and bag of "debris" in, so our house does not stink, and he washes the buckets frequently to make sure.
He does all the outside work, gardens, lawn, trees, and whatever other type of outside things people do :-) (I'm not into outside work) He has a green thumb. If there is a seed and he plants it it will bloom. In the summer he sets up a place for me so during lunch I can go out and sit in the sun for an hour, surrounded by all his plants and vegetables.
I make the grocery list and he does shopping while I am working. I unload groceries when he comes home.
I pay all the bills and keep our budget intact, but I let him know what the bills are each month so he will be informed about our finances.
I think we're pretty even in sharing the chores. I could not imagine him saying anything is my responsibility. A couple years ago he decided to pick up on most of the household stuff because I was getting stressed with having to work so much and do all the house stuff. He said there is no reason why he shouldn't do it. He said I live here too, it's my responsibility to share, plus keeps me free to concentrate on my work.
I hope your husband understands that this is the year 2013. Men DO help their wives/partners.
It does not really matter what is happening in other homes, if you are unhappy then--sm - anon
[ In Reply To ..]this is a problem that needs to be addressed. Either he can bring home enough money to pay someone to help with the household chores, or he can help with some of them, or some things just will not get done.
I know someone who likes a more traditional outlook of the man takes care of repairs and anything outside. The woman takes care of the house. Problem is, her husband does not ascribe to this and honestly, she does not take care of the house. This is one of many miseries in their relationship.
In our house, if there is something that bothers somebody, then that somebody takes care of it. I cook most meals but DH will cook sometimes too. He generally does the dishes as my shift starts at 7:00 p.m. Dishes means getting them into the dishwasher, and rarely are pans done. If I do not like that, I can do them when I get off at 11. Yes, I go to bed. Sometimes he does laundry, sometimes I do. The 2 older kids do their own laundry. I pay one of the older ones extra computer time to do the younger kids. Kids clean their bathroom. Downstairs bathroom is a toss-up. Most of the time we shower but I will clean the tub when I want to soak, most of the time I just ignore it.
The most strict division of labor in this house generally comes to dealing with wildlife. He handles mouse traps and killing snakes if he is home. Chores that require power tools are strictly his (chainsaw, drill, etc.) and that is because the vibrations affect the nerves in my hands and arms. Oh, splitting wood is his too, just because we need a maul that I can actually swing. Other than that, some things just get ignored until someone says Oh yuck!
While I posted our division of labor already--sm - anon
[ In Reply To ..]a couple of thoughts did occur to me. In the early years of my marriage, Dh had told me that his mother and grandmother would clear the dinner plates and then serve dessert. After commenting on how nice that must have been, I told him in my family everyone took their own plates to the kitchen, which is what we do now.
Once he also suggested that we move to Florida near his parents and we could eat dinner with them and then I would not have to cook. I shot this down by telling him if he wanted his mamma, he could go back to Florida but there are things I can do for him that a mamma cannot. We stayed in California.
There are only so many hours in the day and there seems to be only so much that I can manage and devote both physical and mental energy to. If I give it all to work, kids and cleaning, there is nothing left to have fun with. I would much rather roll in the sheets than scrub toilets. Hubby agrees it is a better use of my energy too.
It has not always been easy for DH. His grandmother was a German Jewish immigrant with very specific ideas about house maintenance that were passed on to her daughter and to DH. Dh was also in the military (I guffawed when he showed me that you can get all lines out of the sheets on the bed with a hanger, so not happening). My mother was often a single mom working 2 jobs, priorities were just different. Dh has survived and the house is certainly not nearly as clean as either one of us likes but we can both deal.
Good luck on you and your husband finding a balance that works for both of you. Please let us know if anything changes.
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