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You can't sink any lower

Posted: Nov 12, 2015

Last night I had dinner plans with a "friend." I have known this person for many, many years. Her mother was like a second mom to me, and my mom and hers were best friends. I need to say that to explain why I have contact with her at all. Please understand that she does a lot of good for people, and she has helped me in many ways over the years. She will be the first one to lend a hand and get things done. I am alone, and that means more to me than I can say. I simply love her daughter.

However, she is narcissistic to the point it is scary. Everything has to not only include her, but shed the light on her. She has many many, many remarks that have offended people with her gruff tone of voice, screaming at the top of her lungs when something does not go her way, etc.

She recently took a part-time job which places her at local stores, offering different drink samples to customers. Yesterday, being Veterans Day, she was scheduled to work.

I arrived to her house and had to listen to her shouting and complaining about the customers in the store, etc. THEN . . She began a rant on the fact that "Those damn veterans were at the store just to collect "free stuff." She then went on to say, "The cheap ***holes didn't buy anything else in the store. (Not that it matters, but she would have absolutely no way of even knowing that.) I was in disbelief. I wish now I had stood up and just left her house. This was low, even for her. To disrespect the very ones who have paid the price for freedom is just too much for me.

The point of this post is to say I am disgusted to the point of wanting to have nothing more to do with her. However, with the history of our families, and the good she does it makes it difficult. If you are wondering why I did not say anything last night, she would have blown up and gone wild, which she does when someone does not agree with her. Her companion just look at me in silence and hung his head. She has been this way since I met her, and used to boss her mom and dad around as a teenager. Her parents were very special to me, but they were wrong to raise her this way.

My uncle served in WW II and shortly after returning home had a breakdown. He was standing beside his buddies and literally watched body parts being blown off. He was hospitalized in a mental facility, but some years later could live independently.

When talking to my SIL about it this morning, she and I came up with the real reason she didn't like the veterans there. SHE was not the focus of attention. Someone else was in the center of it, and being honored. She was merely doing a part-time job giving out free samples. How do I cut it off with her with such a long family history?

;

Maybe you can't - me

[ In Reply To ..]
If you can't cut her off without making things awkward with the rest of the clan that you do like, best idea I have is to reduce contact with her. Just get busy with something else so you can honestly tell her you're busy when she wants your attention. After awhile, maybe she'll get the hint. You may have to see her sometimes. Maybe set it up for social gatherings where you don't have to just be in her "light beam" & can make rounds to talk to other people also.

Your friend's behavior sounds like my mother. - anon

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I'll be watching for other people's advice because I could use it. My mother acts a lot like your friend. I moved out of my parents house at age 22 and didn't speak to my mom for about 8 years. I slowly got back into a relationship with her but she lives in another state so my contact is limited. I only call her about once a month a see her about every 1 or 2 years. That's all I can handle.

She sounds like a bully also. - NM

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xxxxxxxx

Don't hate me but..... - anon

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I feel you need to tell her how you feel. Life is too short to put up with that. The remarks she made about the Vets were uncalled for. As long as people act like that and are allowed to get away with it, they won't change. Just be honest with her. She is happy as can be, and you, who seems like a very nice person, is the one suffering.

With respect, wrong advice - SM

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Telling a narcissist how you feel is the worst thing you can do. They enjoy pushing people's buttons and making scenes, making everything about them. No matter what you say about how you feel, the narcissist will blame you, say you're too sensitive. They just will not listen. Don't waste your energy. There is nothing to be gained.

To the OP, you have to do what is best for you and your mental health. Personally, I have cut off contact with my extended family. I grew up with it and now that my mom has passed, I don't want that kind of stress in my life anymore. It's just too much for me. It's up to you to decide how much is enough for you. They will never change.

Oh, nooooo! Not that!!!! - sm

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I agree that confrontation is not the best course of action. Not with this kind of person. The only thing the confrontation will do is make you feel better. This woman, however, will perceive it as a personal attack on herself. She will come to the conclusion that you are trying to harm her. The resulting nuclear meltdown of paranoia and anger will be far more unpleasant than anything that is going on now. Like a nuclear meltdown, the aftereffects of this will go on for years.

As odious as her behavior was, the best thing is to avoid setting her off even further.

You can't reason with these people. They don't seem to even be aware of the way they act. They think they're perfectly fine. There's absolutely nothing you can do about it, I am convinced. You can deal with the behavior, but you can't make it stop.

You have to feel really sorry for her husband. Not only is he miserable with her, and ashamed, but he probably can't get out of the relationship either. She'll make sure of that.

Why should this woman be allowed to behave that way? - JKN

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She is an adult. She KNOWS better! There is no excuse. I don't care what personality disorder she may or may not have. And as far as what makes her behave this way, who cares?!?! At what point do we stop making excuses for people who behave badly?
My mother is this type of person. She's rude, cruel, mean, and just plain nasty. Sure, she has her moments of kindness, but I'm convinced is all for show. My mother had an abusive childhood and has used that to guilt me and my siblings our whole lives. Guess what? I had a pretty crappy childhood too. My mother was physically and verbally abusive and yet I'm not mean or cruel. I didn't beat my kids and then cry to them about how abused I had been and how they really don't have that bad. That's what my mother would say to me. She would beat me, throw things out, put her hands around my throat and choke me and her apology would be her crying and saying "I'm sorry, I can't help it. I have so much anger because I was so abused as a child. You really should be grateful you didn't have to go through what I went through."

The best day of my life was the day I fought back and left home. And now as an adult, she still pisses me off. She still says mean, cruel things, but I can hang up on her, not see her, and not allow her around my kids. I always call her out on her bad behavior. We fight a lot and I don't care. I treat her like she's a child. I tell her "Mom, that's mean. You can't say that to people." A lot of times I will just ask her why, make her think about what she says. I'll say "Why would you say something so mean?" I love my mom, but I really don't like her. We exist in this circle where we get along pretty good for a while, then she says things that upset me, I don't talk to her for several days to weeks, then she calls and apologizes, and we start the process all over again. I refuse to let her hurt me or my children and then just give her a free pass because she has some personality disorder.

My advice to the OP would be the next time her friend behaves this way, says things that are rude and upsetting, right then and there, just ask her why. Why would say something like that? Don't you respect the veterans for fighting for your freedom? Don't you think they deserve a free meal or a free gift or whatever? Why does it offend you so much that they get free stuff? She'll probably get mad, but you'll make her think, especially if you do it in front of a third party.

Good luck to you. All I can say is if I weren't related to my mother, I would have nothing to do with her.

Oh, you need this book!!!!! - sm

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There is absolutely nothing you can do about her. The only thing you can do is try to avoid her and try to avoid setting her off. She sounds as though she has what is called a high conflict personality. That is very typical of people who have borderline personality disorder and other personality disorders. They can be very narcissistic, and very unpleasant. They are the kind of people that you're always walking on eggshells around to keep from sending off the explosive tempers. If they were characters in the TV show "Grimm," they would be hexenbiests. (Just Google that.)

There is a really great book that will help you. It is "It's all your fault," by Bill Eddy. He is a lawyer and social worker who dealt with these people in divorce proceedings. The book really helped me deal with some individuals at work, and help me understand what was wrong with my mother. In fact, it was the one thing that helped me see that our miserable family life was my mothers fault, and not mine. Seeing her for what she was completely changed my life.

Believe me, you will see that woman in this book. It will be as clear as day to you. You will understand what she's doing, why she's doing it, and it will cease to bother you, at least to some extent. You will also understand what to do about her when you have to interact with her.

Kindle edition is only $8.49 - Well worth it!!!

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It was the best $8.49 I ever spent.

Oh Brother - see msg

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Oh my goodness. She sounds like a nightmare.

I think the fact that she has done some good in her life needs to be looked at from the perspective of that a lot of narcissistic-type people do good things so they get praise and attention, and everyone thinks they're wonderful. They are NOT doing good things for anyone; they are doing good things so they get attention. I just call them do-gooders. Many people who do good things do it from their heart, but not your "friend."

I do not agree with trying to reason with her, or otherwise have any discussion with her about her behavior except to tell her to knock it off, then leave.

I'm concerned about you, and why you put up with this. Just because someone has been in the family, or is family, is not sufficient reason to have them in your life. You are being used as a punching bag, and that is on you.

Frankly, I have completely "disowned" horrible "friends" and family members. Life is to be about being surrounded by people who are kind, giving, loving...all the good things in life, not all that sick drama.

You can do as you wish, but remember--you are a grown up and you get to choose your friends as a grown-up. When we're little, we're "stuck" with people, but when we mature into adults, we get to choose.

You are basically in an abusive relationship. Step back and make believe a friend is telling you about an abusive relationship he or she is in. What would you tell that person?

Best of luck to you!

I also wonder about why vets seem to get so - much, not everyone goes into service

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because they are patriotic or wanting to serve their country. Some go in because they want an education on Uncle Sam and I have talked to people who are thinking of joining because they "want to travel." I myself get irritated when I hear of a vet getting a free home just because, just like I think a "single mother" just because does not deserve a free home. How many ordinary people are treated this way? I saw on TV yesterday a vet whose wife had some kind of accident and the men from the VFW came over and built wheelchair access as a freebie leading into the house. If that was me or the next person out there, this would not be done and just because of his served, a freebie. I guess I am not the rah, rah, rah about vets because as I said, not everyone goes in to save this country. Now people volunteer but that was not always the case, people in the past had no say so in being in the service, they were drafted.

It is because of the "death" thing. - sm

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It is because they accept an oath-bound and very real risk of discomfort, hardship, permanent injury, and death. They enable you to continue enjoying your life under the Stars and Stripes, rather than under a swastika or a burka. You know, that freedom that lets you post whatever you please on the Internet?

When a Veteran tells you that he or she did it for an education, they are usually just avoiding a difficult conversation. If you did not serve, you will never understand, and it would do no good to tell you.

Thank you. - Former air force brat. sm

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I thought up a response but then read yours. Perfectly stated.

In the case of my friend - OP

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the veterans at the store were being offered a free 1/2 gallon of iced tea. It hurts me to think of it.

Regardless of why a person enlists, the fact remains - Patriot MT

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that when they take that oath and sign that bottom line, they promise to put their lives on the line for this country and our freedom should the occasion arise. And in today's world, it is pretty much a given that if you join the military, you will be serving your active duty overseas in a war zone. So even if a person signs up for the "free" education or "to travel" (yeah right), I respect the sacrifice they are willing to make for my freedom, our country and for their education.

I was married to a veteran and I am now a widow and a single mother. So you've managed to offend me on two fronts. If you are not a single mother, if you have never been a single mother, than you absolutely no idea how much of a struggle daily life can be. I do not think that every single mother in America should be "given a free house" (and if that truly happens somewhere, sign me up please), but I think hard working, single moms who hold down one or two or even three jobs to put food on the table and clothes on the back of their children deserve all the help they can get.

In closing, you're an ignorant, thoughtless ingrate.

You said you were a widow and a single - mother, trying to sort that out

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Let me see, your husband died so you are a widow. Did you have children out of wedlock that made you a single mother then? I was divorced, had children but never said I was a single mother. I worked 2 jobs most of my life and raised my children so ignorant, ingrate, not that. A single mother is usually what I think of from a person never wed and then has children.

That is mistaken thinking. - SM

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If that is what you think about what single mother means, you are twisting what that mother said. That seems a little disturbed, don't you think?

For that matter, I don't know of any veteran who will actually tell you that they did it for the education or travel. If you think that they do, you are most likely getting it from TV commercials.

Truly, no one joins the military to travel, and if you think that getting there in a C-130 and jumping out with a parachute qualifies as "travel," that living in a tent under fire under unspeakably unpleasant conditions is resort living, and that constantly being under the threat of being shot or blown up by the locals is some kind of friendly interaction with the natives, you are out of your mind.

Not out of my mind and I guarantee you that - I just heard this, as recently as this

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summer at our community pool. There was a young guy there hired as someone to monitor the pools. We talked some and he told me unequivocally that he was thinking about joining the service so that he could travel and see the world. I told him I had traveled extensively, still do and there were other ways to see the world without joining the service. He even named specifically one branch he wanted to join and he had been in talks with them. He was young so maybe he has no concept of what joining means. You can second guess what I wrote but I am not out of mind by saying what I was told and no I don't get that from TV commercials. There would be nothing I would find more boring than to watch those, well maybe golf.

As far as the single mother thing goes, never married with kids equals single mother. Someone asked about who or where the single parent could get a home just because. Warrick Dunn, former football star, in Atlanta, I think, has now given away over 125 homes to a single parent (mostly single women) because his mother was a "single parent." I hear about vet's getting a new home just because and Dunn's giving away homes to a single person just because. Well what about the people who work extremely hard, 2 or more jobs. I don't see people stepping in and handing them homes just because.

I posted what I have heard and read. I stand by my statements. Posters not believing about the giving away of free homes to a single mother only need to Google the football players name.

Oh, good grief! - sm

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A kid at the pool talking about what he might do in the future is not a veteran. He's just parroting nonsense that he sees on TV. Believing that you can predict the motives of veterans from something like that is ridiculous.

Is equally ridiculous to keep maintaining that single mothers are unmarried. Sure, where you come from maybe it means that. The poster above, however, did not mean that. That was completely clear from the context of her post, which had absolutely nothing to do with football players who give single mothers or anybody else free houses.

Furthermore, veterans who happen to get new homes are not getting them for no good reason. In all cases I am aware of, those veterans need a home for particular reason, which is usually that they have a handicap that requires a particular type of home.

But, there you have it. I spent my service time protecting your right to be the way you are. Nice.

Oh, good grief #2. I never said this was a kid - at the pool, your words

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I said young man. This is a (young) man who has worked in Alaska on the pipeline and besides that, he is not the only one I have ever said wanting to join for travel. Hide your head in sand if you wish but gasp, heard of others joining to get an education. So you haven't heard of vets getting homes just because and others does not mean it does not happen. I get tired of hearing about the free give aways, Gofundme begging, etc. just because. Now these postings are boring me so I am finished with this.

Just because they join for various - see msg

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reasons does not mean they don't put themselves in harms way while they are in. They have no idea how they will come back, if they even do. Anyone in the United States of America who bashes the service of veterans should pack his or her bags and live elsewhere. Now I'm done with this.

Thank you everyone - OP

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for all the wonderful advice. I will definitely buy the book that was mentioned by a few of you. I have heard of it before, and having a sister with this same personality disorder, I really need it. I was really hurt by my friend's remarks, and this time it went deeper than usual. She blew up at me one time at the mall, and I was actually afraid the security guards would throw us out. She was screaming at the top of her lungs because I told her I purchased the extended warranty on a new car I just bought. She went crazy and said how her dad always said that was a bad idea. I told her that according to her, no one has a right to an opinion, and apparently she was the only one born with a brain. She got red in the face and stomped down the hall of the mall, screaming at the top of her lungs. There is a definite serious problem going on with her. Again, thanks to all of you. I truly appreciate your input.

Please - Get out of this craziness

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Please, please get out of this craziness. You may need counseling to help you get out, because people in abusive relationships often have a hard time getting out. It's not a weakness to find it hard to get out; it's something going on inside the person that feels unworthy of being treated properly, or a very misguided sense of obligation.

Something is seriously wrong with her, but it's not something you can fix. (She doesn't want to be fixed anyway.)

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