A community of 30,000 US Transcriptionist serving Medical Transcription Industry
Teenagers
Posted: Sep 24, 2014
Hello, I am just hurting and when I hurt this bad I have to let it out. I have been talking my head off to my family and friends. My daughter, who just turned 17 in July, left to go live with my ex. We divorced in December 2013 and I bought a condo in a nice area where I thought she would like and she had the whole bottom floor as her bedroom. I drove her back and forth from school, she could have any friends over she wanted, went to friends on weekends, took her shopping all the time, etc. I love being around her. But she has a wild streak and would sneak out at night in the middle of the night (who knows where) and I would go down to her room and she would be gone. Finally, after 7 times of this I called the police and we went to court and she was put on probation and house arrest. I only did that to keep her safe. I have no idea where she is wondering around while I am upstairs working and thinking she is safe in her room. Anyway, to make a long story short she stayed overnight at my ex's house (her house she grew up in) last Friday night and decided to stay and live there. My heart is so broken. I was wondering if anyone else has been through this and how did they get through it? I talked to her and I think she did it because I was kind of cracking down on her and maybe she thinks she will have it better there. Just had to vent and see if anyone else has been through this.
;
Kids will break your heart but - mt2north
[ In Reply To ..]you did everything you could to be a good mom. Let her go with her dad. She will hopefully find out how good she had it while living with you. I went through the same thing with my son when he was 17. I think we both just needed time away from each other. Keep in contact with her and let her know she can always come back if she wants to. She is going through teenage stuff and they always lash out at the ones they are closest to.
Hugs :o)
I have a different take on it - this is what I would do
[ In Reply To ..]I would fight for her safety and not give up until she is at a better place. She is only 17 years old. She is still a minor. I would fight tooth and nail and go back to the court or whatever you have to do to keep that house arrest in order and probation. Yes, she is rebelling but deep inside they want to be loved and secretly they like boundaries. I wouldn't just "let" her go like that. I would also make sure your ex-husband is on board. If after you fought long and hard to no avail, then maybe I would sit down and have a hard cry, but not until I did everything under my own power to fight for her, her well being and safety.
If even at her dad's house, I would have her watched or watch her myself to see if she is sneaking out and get some proof and then go from there.
Sorry if this is not a popular approach or solution, but the heck if I would let any of my children off that easy. Rebellion is usually an outward act of pain and hurting in some way.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. This is where the rubber meets the road and it gets even harder the older they get. I have felt your pain and this too will pass.
Be tough and hang in there!
enjoy life without the teenager - Effie
[ In Reply To ..]Seriously... she will someday appreciated you.. she is 17 and would be leaving soon anyway.. Let her go, she has a place to live and let the ex worry about her. Now enjoy YOUR life... She will come back to you.. next week, next year... someday and when she does you will find she has a new appreciation of you.
Balance of power is a bit off kilter - Nik
[ In Reply To ..]I agree with the poster who commented about safety. You can't see the news anymore without there being a story about some young girl who has disappeared never to be seen again or whose body will turn up at some point. Whether or not your daughter likes it (or you), her safety is paramount even if she thinks she can handle herself at 17. My daughter went through a horrible phase with all her excuses and what have you. One time in the middle of one her tantrums I told her it wasn't about her, that it was about *me." She was so surprised that she shut up, and then I told her that if something happened to her while she was under my roof I would not be able to get through life, so my desire to keep her safe because I was self centered and wanted a happy life. If something happened to her when she was an adult making her own decisions, oh well, I'd find a way to cope because I had tried my best! I'm sure she knew I wasn't serious about my reasons for wanting her safe, but she was a lot better after that. Or maybe the only things teenagers really do understand is selfishness! I'm wondering if you've become a bit more of a friend to your daughter and less of an authority figure. It's easy to do when you're divorced and your daughter seems like she has taken advantage of this. It's hard to pull back, but it can be done. If you and your ex have a halfway decent relationship maybe you can work together on keeping her in one piece.
A very interesting and thoughtful analysis - You're very smart and insightful!
[ In Reply To ..]An excellent take on elements of "rearing" kids--and proven, since it worked. I think she liked the "selfishness" you displayed as you say but also the tirade! They love a good tantrum--theirs and especially yours, I suppose. Very interesting. I take it you got through that period and all is well--I hope so :) I could see a scene like that in a movie, too...I won't 'steal' it though...you should write it :) Best to you!
Teenagers - Heartache
[ In Reply To ..]Thanks for everyone's reply. It hurts but I am going to let her move to her dads and see her as often as I can. I am seeing her tomorrow (Fri) and Saturday is the day her dad is supposed to come and get her stuff. I am just going to tell her I love her and she has a place back here if she wants it. So far my ex says she has been acting fine at his place. I just want her safe and happy. Thanks for the concern everyone!!!
teen - me
[ In Reply To ..]Hope things work out. Kids who have a choice always think things are better at the "other" parent's house. Sort of the "grass is greener on other side of fence" thing. Well, when's the last time they watered the grass on their own side? She might be back.
Teenagers - Heartache
[ In Reply To ..]Sorry to post again about this, but I always talk and talk about stuff that I am real upset about until it makes sense or the hurt goes away. Anyway, picked up my 17 year old from school today and took her to start her community service and took her out to eat and then talked to her about staying with me and she still insists on moving in with her dad, so I guess tomorrow (sat) is the day. She says I make her nervous and she has panic attacks around me. So, I guess if she feels more calm at her dads and stay s off drugs and cigarettes then it is a good deal for her. Just going to miss her, but I will be seeing her through the week. Thanks again for listening.
your 'teen trouble/s' - dime-store psych
[ In Reply To ..]Hello OP. I didn't have children and don't know anything first-hand about raising them. I do know that I was a teen once, atypical, though, in that I left home at 14, went to a big city on my own and "made it" somehow...don't ask me how...when I look back on what might have happened, etc., all I can do is thank God that I'm still here. It was as if it was someone else, looking back, as I don't think I'd have the strength to do anything of the kind today, 35 years later.
But this is what comes to mind. First of all, enjoy the rest of your Saturday, after she "leaves." Also, feel fortunate that she has an 'active' dad to whom to go in a "crisis"-- rather than a 37-yo "boyfriend" who would be happy to take her in, away from her 'terrible' mother, etc. !
Next, it comes to mind that you should let her know you too, were 'nervous' because of her, for example, when your 'water broke' and you were rushed to the hospital to give birth, um...to her... 17 years ago. Or perhaps the night or nights her temperature spiked to 104 degrees, not to mention the most recent night of her apparent arrest... Kids!!
But, the reality seems to be that you and she, for whatever reason at this particular stage of your relationship, are simply not productive together, let's say. Now, it could well be that each of you tends to "feed" into the other's neuroses, etc., and ergo a 'crippling' effect ensues...it could be that this has absolutely nothing to do with you whatsoever, that you are doing everything 100% correctly, but that she is going through her own angst as they all seem to and that angst, while perhaps temporarily masked by the newness of father/environment, etc., will rear itself once again at his place, soon enough. Time is what you both need. During this time that she is relatively absent, as it seems you'll still be seeing a lot of her, please try to do for yourself. Start a new hobby/business/exercise program/haircut...whatever...work on and for yourself for a change...Please! I'm sure you've been a great mother, and that is not over, by a longshot. Let's call it "motherhood-phase 2 or 3 or 10"--! Also, there seems to be an element of taking you for granted there, which might need some addressing as well. Hard as it might be for you, I think you should try to remain somewhat aloof with her at this point, meanwhile letting her know, of course, that your door is still open. You know, indicate you might have "plans" Wed. night let's say, if she suggests a particular night you might get together..maybe say, how about Thurs.? Let her know you're a person, too, with your own life, and she might have to 'take a number' now, as things have changed, per her request! Best of luck--enjoy your weekend!
Teenagers - Heartace
[ In Reply To ..]Thank you very much for your response. I wasnt home when they came and took her stuff. I took a long walk by a river this morning listening to my audiobook, went to McDonalds and then took myself to a movie. Now I am working (well some of the day was good lol) I know it will get easier as time goes on. I told her I would still be seeing her alot and she was okay with that. Thank you for your response.
thinking of you, 'teenless' for awhile...! - It sounds like u had a good day...
[ In Reply To ..]Other than the McDonald's meal. Would be nice to get yourself a nice steak or even grill a good steak for yourself--! My eyes are so tired I want to get an audiobook, too. Sounds great, a nice walk listening to a good book. And sounds like you have some work, too, a good thing in this biz! Best of luck--let us know how everything goes! :)
Similar Messages:
Rebellious Teenagers.Feb 23, 2012
Help out there!!!! We are desperately in need of advice on how to handle aggressive and non-compliiant teenagers. I am just the grandmother, but when I come here to visit, it is very upsetting to me to watch my daughter constantly at odds with her children -- thankfully only 2 are of the teenage years. The oldest one is sure strutting his stuff. I try to remind my daughter that she acted that way too when she was a teenager, not that it does her or me any good. For ...
Teenagers Rules With CompanyNov 11, 2011
I am curious to what some rules are for your teenagers in regards to having company over mostly of the opposite sex. I have a 14-yof and a 15-yof who will be 16 in January. Both of them are good Christian girls (I assume), pledge virginity, and wear purity rings. They have recently gotten boyfriends so the high school and older boys is new to us. In addition, we lived in the country and just moved in town so now it seems to be a constant issue with company from neighborho ...
Swarm Of Teenagers Caught On Tape Stealing From GasJul 27, 2016
BOSTON —About 20 teenagers mobbed a Roslindale gas station over the weekend, grabbing items from the convenience store before running out, authorities said. The group inside for about 10 seconds before they rush out again. A customer who was fueling his car presses himself up against his vehicle to avoid them. "This is the first time I've seen teenagers so young do this," Gloria Mantas said. "They were laughing. They were laughing. They thought it was fun." Video from a camera ...
Border? What Border? Chinese Teenagers Coming AcrossJun 30, 2014
Do any of you really and truly believe Obama didn't have a hand in this? ...