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Getting Over Anger
Posted: Aug 29, 2013
Several weeks ago there was an incident (too long and too much detail to go into here) with a family member and myself. It was a bad fight and some bad things said on both sides. I did not start it, but defended myself. Now the instigator of the fight involved her two children, and they ambushed me the other day when they nicely invited me to their home to "discuss things." They were rude, and one was actually mocking me. I am seeing a therapist, which I must admit is really helping me (especially on the days of the visits), but I need to let go of the anger. I was treated horribly by all three individuals, and have cut all ties with them. Anyone with any advice to handle anger when you were deliberately done wrong?
;
Life's too short to worry about them. I'd cut the ties, - stay in therapy, and get on with my life.
[ In Reply To ..]You're working to better yourself. Your mockers, however, are most likely just getting worse and worse. Kharma will bite the back someday. Meanwhile, in the future you'll have the best revenge of all - a life well-lived.
Yes I was in that situation - It's hard, but it gets easier
[ In Reply To ..]I was wronged big time. Gave a lot of money to a relative to help her out in a hard time, but when the money was running out and I put a stop to it, it really got nasty. This is an influential part of the family who gets everyone to feel sorry for her and everyone is always picking on her, etc etc (don't want to go into much detail except to say that she told me she wanted me dead. That night I cut all ties to her. Finally after a while I was able to explain to family what happened, but I have not seen this family member in many many years and I've very happy and actually over it. I said to myself she's going through some major mental issues and I'm who she lashed out at, so I cut her some slack and I cut ties with her at the same time.
That's great you are going to a therapist. If I were you I'd cut ties with her and any of her relatives and if they want to talk to you about it just say you have nothing to say about the situation, don't let them get you into a conversation or anything. It will take a long time to get over the hurt. Believe me, took a few years, but now it's out of sight out of mind.
It will get better.
out of sight, out of mind - curious
[ In Reply To ..]Is she out of your life or just out of sight?
LOL - Just out of sight. We still talk, but ,,, - It's hard but it gets easier
[ In Reply To ..]we don't see her. We do talk but not often. When she said she wanted me dead that was enough for my DH to cut his ties with his mother.
Living well is the best revenge - xx
[ In Reply To ..]Pursue your dreams. Find what makes you happy. Do that. Be happy. Let the mean people go. They will see you happy and it will drive them crazy.
I was going to say this exact thing - - Me Too
[ In Reply To ..]and then I saw this post. This philosophy has gotten me through a lot of heartache.
I wish I knew, but I know how you feel... - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I have an anger issue with my stepson that I cannot get over. This is a kid I raised since he was 6. His mother just up and left and would come around once every couple years or so. One day he was having a discussion with his father about a girl he was seeing. When asked for my opinion, I said that it was not her I had a problem with, but how he seemed to have put everything on the back burner for her, i.e. college, working, family, etc. He stood right there and proceeded to scream in my face terrible things, ending his rant with "Suck my *&^&*!" My husband stood there and said nothing. Although he apologized profusely and sent me flowers the next day, I have never been able to let go of it or really forgive my husband for saying nothing. I wish I could because he is not someone I can cut ties with and that is always in the back of my head. It has pretty much destroyed our relationship and we were extremely close through his whole childhood and I don't think we will ever be close like that again.
words hurt - sm
[ In Reply To ..]It sounds like he was super frustrated with you in the moment and just let loose. It's hard to forget words like that, because now you know what he is capable of saying.
About two months after my mom died, her sisters and I were boxing up her stuff for a garage sale. She was a bit of a hoarder and let things go, and had died of a drug overdose. Anyways, going through her stuff, I was going really slow. I was extremely emotional. My aunts were like drill sergeants, putting things quickly in boxes, emotionless, just "getting rid of things." I couldn't do that.
I came to one particular item. A Spanish decoration I had given her one day, remembering how happy she was to get it because she had just starting redecorating her bathroom to the old Spanish style. I did not know this, so we had a moment where we really connected as she was genuinely pleased.
This memory was flowing through my head, and I started crying remembering it, then one of my aunts looked at me with this cold look and said "oh, whatever." It's like she spit those words at me, at the lowest point in my life.
This aunt is a straight-up witch, I had had enough and for her to kick me when I was that low...I just blew up. I did not curse at her, just screamed at her why she said that, what does it mean, what's her problem, basically cornering until she told me what was behind that callous comment. This is out of character for me as i'm quiet and withdrawn? I would not let her get away with that comment. Then she screamed at me "Bitch!"
Over the two months after my moms death, I was overcome with emotion, fatigue and depression and did not help with any of the arrangements. I was kind of out of it, but I had no idea she was harboring resentment. It hurt deeply, how little of understanding I received after my mom's sudden death. I'm an only child, so I had to figure out how to deal with it on my own, and then have to be attacked by family during that time. I cannot go to them for anything, EVER. This was a hard lesson, and it hurts five years later still. There was a shift in the family. Certain things come out that you didn't always see before.
I have let it go, but it definitely changed our relationship. I do not share much with her, and I could take her or leave her in my life. I know now how low she can go. Sorry for the rant.
Still Fuming - Old Pro
[ In Reply To ..]The emotion that underlies anger is always fear. I have a toxic member of my own family (a cousin) who is even older than I am. Through the years she has been a bully, not only to me, but to others. I finally made the conscious decision to release her, and to release my anger toward her. I do not know what makes her act the way she does, but I do not need to enable her toxicity. I just mentally said to myself "J., go with G-d, but GO!" I hope all is well with her, but I will not interact with her any more. I wish her no harm; it is just that her life has nothing to do with my life. Perhaps looking at your situation from that kind of a view might help? Good luck to you. I have BTDT and I empathize.
"He who angers you controls you." Think about it. NM - anon
[ In Reply To ..]NM
I know! What works for me - sm
[ In Reply To ..]are water balloons, rotton eggs and a nice slingshot! Not very mature I know, but it's fun and it does make me feel better!
Getting Over Anger - The Phoenix
[ In Reply To ..]Just had to share my painful experience similar to yours. Two and a half years ago a sister who I love, attacked me viciously in a letter while she was drunk and on pills. Apparently she had been fuming for years and loathing the fact that I have developed a relationship with my aunt, my mother's sister. My sisters carry such hatred in their hearts for my mother's family because as they see it, they did nothing to help our mother who chose to live with our father, a violent and abusive alcoholic. Apparently a lot of dysfunction running down generations where women do not get along. I chose to study this dynamic and make a break from that behavior years ago. I chose to get to know my aunt. I was an innocent party to my mother's and her sister's disconnection. But because of this my sister called me every name in the book in a letter, accused me of outrageous things that were beyond ridiculous, and said she did not want me to try and contact her. Well, it's been nearly three years from that painful day. I cried a lot the first year. I was sad and deeply wounded. By the second year my husband was getting tired of seeing me crying. I was tired of it too. At the suggestion of my brother, I went to an Adult Children of Alcoholic's meeting. And my whole world changed. I have found deep understanding in this program. Understanding about the dynamics of what makes people do such crazy things, and most importantly about myself and how to clear the anger and find Peace. I am now for the most part, okay. It seems to have settled in my heart. While I do not think I want or wish to see this sister again, I have released the anger and hurt, and I have sent her my forgiveness and released her in my heart. I understand now she is just a product of what was done to her by our father. I chose to break the pattern of dysfunction for me, my son - the next generation, and in return I gained a wonderful and rewarding relationship with my aunt. She and my mother never had that. My aunt has let me know how rewarding it has been for her too. Yes, I lost my sister because of this but I know now she is staying in that toxic hate. I thank God that is not me.
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