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Anger

Posted: Aug 17, 2010

I have a history since childhood of abuse from my sister. At times she is the nicest person, and the next week she is the opposite. I have self multilated and have had many years of counseling in the past. My problem is that I have finally made the decision that I will have no more to do with her, except for times when the whole family gets together. I won't give my family up for her, but I would rather never see her again. She has thrown me out of her life dozens of times for literally seven months or more at a time. Yesterday I met with her to calmly discuss something she had done to me a few weeks ago. The smart, sarcastic personality came out immediately, and I literally wish we had never met, ever. I have been blamed for things I have never even done to her and thrown away like garbage. Once (2 years in a row) she threw me away and refused to speak to me because I spoke to her ex boyfriend and his wife at a family birthday party for a little boy. The ex boyfriend is now my niece's brother-in-law. He is family. Without knowing, I spoke to him and to his wife, who are lovely people. For almost a year again I was not spoken to. She once turned most of the nursing staff at a hospital where we worked against me. Finally they all found out the truth and were friendly to me again.

I am sorry this is so long. Please, can anyone give me some advice to help me stop hating? It is destroying me. I want a few years to live where I am not abused. I will not change my mind. I am resentful that I have had this to bear my entire life. I left a message today with a counselor, but so far he has not returned my call.

Thank you for reading this.

;

Stop trying to reason with her at all. - Happy MT Robin

[ In Reply To ..]
"Yesterday I met with her to calmly discuss something she had done to me a few weeks ago." That quote from you right there is the crux of your problems, imo. Your sister doesn't care what she did to you and it certainly is not bothering her, yet you are letting it destroy your life. The ONLY thing you can control is how you react and/or deal with something, even if it is something that someone has done that you perceive as being harmful to you emotionally. You are on the right path in getting the negative energy out of your life, even if it is your sister. Hold your head high and live your life the way YOU want to live it. If your sister has issues with anything you do, that's HER problem. You don't still work at the same place, do you? Quite frankly not talking to her or dealing with her sounds very peaceful. If she confronts you about something, calmly look her in the eye and say something along the lines of "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I cannot control or be responsible for your feelings or actions," and then walk away from her. Do not engage her because then you give her the upper hand by letting her know that she's getting to you. Your sister sounds bipolar and possibly schizophrenic, so there's nothing that you are ever going to be able to do to make her "reasonable" outside of heavy medication, I'm thinking.

Good luck. This is not going to be easy if your family is engaged into taking sides. They may very well "side" with your sister because the squeaky wheel will get the grease every time. All you can do is live your life and know that you have done nothing wrong.

Thank You - Abused

[ In Reply To ..]
I want to thank you and also the person who emailed me directly. You are both giving me good, sound advice. I agree that she has a mental illness. The abuser has to suffer in silence, because as the person who emailed me pointed out, everyone in the famly sees her as a funny, nice person. I have attempted suicide last November because of her, and at the last minute took all the pills out of my mouth. Some of them dissolved, and I was almost unable to go up the stairs to bed. She is my only sister, and I have no children. Her two daughters who are close to me know how she can be, but I spare them most of the details. Her oldest daughter, who is like a daughter to me tried to kill herself when she was about 20 years old becuase my sister abused her as well. I know I will not cure or change her ever. The change has to start here with me. My psychologist from some years ago told me that you can literally tie the abuser to a chair, put a mouth gag on so they cannot speak, and you can have your say. They will still not hear you or realize they have done wrong. I know hating this way is a sin, but she has ruined my entire life. What do I do at Christmas and Thanksgiving, having no family of my own? She is a sick, unhappy individual who has inflicted more nastiness and hatred than I can say. Four of my closest friends literally saved my life on Monday by talking to me individually and just letting me cry and get it off my chest. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Abuse kills everything it touches. Please think of me and maybe your energy will touch me. God knows what you did for me.

Error - Abused

[ In Reply To ..]
I meant to say the abused (not abuser)has to suffer in silence.

Same boat, but I don't let it ruin my life - MomAgain

[ In Reply To ..]
My adult dd is the same personality type as your sister...since birth. Over the last 10 years, if she gets mad at me (usually because I don't take her side about something), she will withdraw herself from my life. At first it was really hard to deal with. Then I learned I cannot change her. I can pray for her and if she choses to be part of my life, great!, but I won't take any crap from her. A friend of mine once said "When someone gives you crap you don't have to keep it. You can refuse to catch what others throw to you and just walk away and live a happy life."

I have adopted her child, and last week after not hearing from her in 2 years, someone called me to say she wanted contact with the child. Well, I'm a grownup and if she walks away from me, I can handle it. But this young child only knows she has been abandoned several times by her birth mother, so I recommended cards and notes be sent at first. If she is serious about wanting a relationship, she will need to earn trust and respect...these are things that shouldn't be handed over for free. Since then, I have learned she wrecked her dad's car and has been in jail. I don't need that drama in my life.

Since the last time she talked to me, I have moved, changed my last name and phone number, but my cell phone is the same (she has it) and family members keep a relationship with the child, so she can reach me if she wants. I have made having a relationship with me her choice, because I can't control her. I can only control how I react to her.

Good luck to you, please don't let her do any further harm. Your only problem is not living a happy life in spite of her. I wish you all the best.

Glad For Your Post - Abused

[ In Reply To ..]
You make such a good point. Many decades ago when she threw me away for the first time I should not have allowed her to come back with her tail between her legs,only to do it time after time, after time. She is a selfish person, never thinking outside the box. It's her feelings that matter. She never grew up, and in my opinion has some serious personality and mental problems. I am so sick of looking at her face when she is throwing a fit, and hearing the sarcastic tone in her voice. I have let her destroy my life. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you a good life.

Abused - MT35

[ In Reply To ..]
Sometimes the only thing you can do is nothing. You just have to separate yourself from that person in the family. We have the same thing going on with my husband and his brothers and he finally for the sake of his own sanity and our family had to separate himself completely. He has forgiven them and misses them but some folks just cannot have any kind of relationship without a problem. Its not worth it believe me. It will eventually destroy you while the person causing the pain is thinking nothing about it.

Alone - Abused

[ In Reply To ..]
I know what you are saying is true, and I have made up my mind I will see my sister as little as possible. However, I am alone. I have no family of my own. I always eat Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner with my sister and her two grown beautiful daughters, and their two children. My family has a big Christmas party where we all get together. The only way I can totally separate myself is to be totally alone. I just wish I could die. I can't take any more years of being abused. I was created by God, and I refuse to take any more. I am so filled with hate now it is dificult to function at all, and I know that is a sin. I am going to contact a minister soon and talk. I really need help.

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