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Is it me? or is she over-stepping her boundaries
Posted: Apr 13, 2014
My husband & I have been together 10 yrs, married for 2 yrs. My husband is an alcoholic, recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. The friend that wants me to leave him is a girl I met at work a few months ago. We seemed to have a little in common & started going to lunch together, I invited her to my house, introduced her to my family etc. Well my husband I have had our share of problems - Mostly related to his drinking. I began to feel comfortable confiding in her about my marital issues. I then noticed that she told me a couple of things about my husband that didn't make sense. Both of the things kind of implied that my husband was making an attempt to cheat on me. The first instance was about 2 weeks after I met her, she insinuated that my husband & sister-in-law were acting inappropriately towards each other, as in maybe something sexually inappropriate was going on. Now granted, at the time she did not realize this was my sister-in-law and my brother-in-law was sitting right there at the time she made the assumption that there was some inappropriate behavior. I didn't make much of it because it made no sense, they don't live near us & we seldom see them (brother-in-law & sister-in-law) not to mention that my friend whom I had only known 2-3 weeks was only in there presence 5-10 minutes & my brother-in-law was right there...I pretty much just blew it off, figuring she didn't realize that was my husband's brother and that was his brother's wife. I then started to notice how she began to talk bad about my husband and eventually told me she did not like him, I was better than that & that she could not continue to feel sorry for me if I stayed with him. Of course at this point, I took a step back (mentally, not a step back from the friendship). I had only known her at this point 3 months, but I been with my husband 10 yrs. Granted he has his problems & I have endured a lot of heartache, I thought it inappropriate for her to be practically demanding I leave my husband and making the judgment calls against him she was. So I realized I had to accept responsibility for confiding in her about my marital issues & quit talking to her about my husband. Then she started fishing, wondering how things were going. I kept my answers short & never elaborated. I would say things like "he's fine" or "we're doing better" and leave it at that. I think it's also worth mentioning that she is married to a man currently serving 30 years in prison who is eligible to be released in a yr. She became acquainted with him as pen-pals, started visiting him & eventually married him. I think she is somewhat of a lonely person and I a part of me wondered if maybe she wanted to see me seperated from my husband so I could spend more time hanging out with her. She even offered to introduce me to a guy who is in prison with her husband. Sorry so long but I really wanted to vent and get input from people here on what their take is on this situation, opioins...any feedback is appreciated. Thanks for reading.;
sounds more like a work of fiction - who lives that way?
[ In Reply To ..]Sorry, maybe I'm jaded, but who lives this way? You are married to a schizophrenic alcoholic and your coworker/friend married to someone in jail and offering to hook you up?
Makes no sense to me as a real-world scenario.
Lots of people "live that way" - I am not the OP
[ In Reply To ..]People don't always lead "perfect lives." You can dig into lots of people's families and find worse in the "real world."
There is a difference between schizophrenia and - I'm OP
[ In Reply To ..]Schizoaffective disorder, which I won't go into detail on that, but it's not the same.
Also when I met my husband 10 years ago his drinking was not a problem, the drinking became problematic about 4.5 years ago. He just got diagnosed with diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder this past November, he was not always like this.
Please don't judge my husband's illness because you do not know all of the details surrounding his circumstances.
As far as the girl from work marrying a man in prison, that's her choice & not something I would do but I didn't let it get in the way of me becoming friends with her, to each their own.
Too hard to know her motivation (sm) - Rose
[ In Reply To ..]Without being there. Most of communication is facial expression, tone of voice, timing of words and body language. From what you have stated, perhaps she has had her own experiences with alcoholism, perhaps in childhood, or adulthood and fears for your wellbeing and safety. Many of us would not choose to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic, but that is, of course, your decision and you know your husband better than anyone. Many alcoholics are quite functional, though harming themselves in the long run. I think you are handling it the right way by giving brief answers. If she questions you about not talking to her about him, you could just be honest and say you appreciate her caring and concern, but have already decided to stay and don't want to be judged for same.
Thanks Rose, appreciate your response. - NM
[ In Reply To ..]nm
Hmmmmmm - LM2
[ In Reply To ..]I'm not sure either, having not been there and seen all of this for myself. As far as her telling you that you should leave him, well I've been that way too with a friend in the past. You said you confide in her, but maybe you perhaps "whine" quite a bit to her (no offense) and I know that even with a friend of mine who was doing that, it came to a point when the whining became too much. You want to slap some sense into the person and tell them to either walk out and do something about it, or sit and be quiet and live with it. Maybe that's the point she was trying to make and maybe not, I don't know.
As far as her being married to a prisoner, I don't think that necessarily means she is as lonely as it does mean that she has very low self-esteem. My very best friend in the world made a HUGE mistake and has 30 years to serve in prison and he met him a wife online as well. He and I both realize she definitely isn't the most stable individual in the world to seek out an inmate to marry, but her instability is more of a self-esteem thing. Either way, whether it is being lonely or lacking confidence, that shouldn't make her try to get you to leave your husband.
Just think of the things you are telling her about your husband and think about if someone else were telling you these things, what would your advice be to that person? Perhaps from the outside looking in you would think a separation was in order as well.
I stopped confiding in her a while ago - OP
[ In Reply To ..]As far as whining, that's far from the case. I considered it to friends talking, she confided in me about things as well. Once I realized she seemed to have a personal problem with my husband & said things to me like I'm stupid for staying with him, I made a conscious decision to not even mention my husband to her anymore; if you look back at my post, you will see where I mentioned no longer discussing my marriage with her.
Then it was like she began fishing for info...maybe you missed that part of my post.
As far as putting myself in her shoes, I tried that one and that's where we differ. While I will always do my best to be a good listener & be supportive, I would never practically insist that a woman leave her husband unless she was being abused & her life was at stake. Whether I think a woman should walk away from her husband or not is not my place to say unless (and I say again) she is being abused and her life is in jeopardy.
As far as slapping sense into someone & telling them to live with it or be quite - I never let it arrive to that point. The minute I saw she was allowing herself to get too caught up in my personal life, "I" backed off and quite talking about it. She's the one who keeps trying to ask questions about my married life. I met her at work 6 or 7 months ago, she doesn't know me like that to be telling me to leave my husband.
That woman is nothing but trouble and I hope - bshel
[ In Reply To ..]with all my heart you cut her loose. Tell her that you are uncomfortable with what she is saying and that she has not known you/husband for very long. I would be kind and just let her know you don't really feel comfortable telling her these things after all. I hope you don't let her influence your decision regarding your marriage. I am adamant because I did the same thing! My so called good friend encouraged me at every turn to drop my husband because we were having issues. I listened, was naive and I regret it to this day. I wasn't a very strong person at that point but to this day, if I could go back and change ANYTHING in my life, it would be that I listened to her. By the way, I found out later that she wanted a roommate because she needed money. Then, after moving in with her, found out she was on drugs. I kid you not!!!! Good luck to you! I believe every marriage is worth investing some time to work things out. It's not easy but I believe it is worth it in the end.
Also a huge thanks to bshel. Glad you and the poster - below understand. OP
[ In Reply To ..]This person seemed very sweet when I first met her & no doubt she probably is a really good person. I guess I just found it strange the way she behaved at times and the things she would say, I mean it was like she truly wanted me to leave my husband. I have since backed away from her quitea bit - See my below pmost titled "Thank You!!"
They are all sweet when you first meet them. - That is the problem.
[ In Reply To ..]That's how they hook into you.
No, she isn't a nice person underneath. What's underneath is far worse than what you've seen so far.
You have't seen the half of it yet.
Get rid of that woman - sm
[ In Reply To ..]She obviously has poor judgement, going by her marrying a convict it sounds as though she may see "affairs" everywhere she looks.
That is bad enough, but informing you that your husband was flirting with your SIL was inappropriate. Expecting you to leave your husband was inappropriate. Telling you that she didn't like him was inappropriate. Offering to introduce you, a married woman, to another convict, was grossly inappropriate.
Polite people don't do that.
This woman isn't a friend ... she is a rude, suspicious, manipulative broad. She has no class. Worse, she associates with criminals and expects you to associate with them, as well.
I would stop associating with her. Completely. Right now. You don't need the drama. You don't need the risk. You also don't need the damage this will do to your reputation.
If you think I am exaggerating, associating with her is probably enough to keep you from getting through a background check for a lot of jobs, especially ones associated with money, like coding, and anything involving local, state, or federal government.
THANK YOU!! - OP
[ In Reply To ..]Thank you to the person above who said:
"Informing you that your husband was flirting with your SIL was inappropriate. Expecting you to leave your husband was inappropriate. Telling you that she didn't like him was inappropriate. Offering to introduce you, a married woman, to another convict, was grossly inappropriate."
I thought it was a red flag when only two weeks after meeting me she implied my sister-in-law and husband might have something going on. She said that based on some sort of behavior "she noticed" & me and my brother-in-law were sitting right there. She was only at my house 10 min when she claimed to have made this observation. Like I said, I blew it off as it made no sense, they live in a whole another state and we are lucky if we see them once a year.
I have distanced myself from her, but made the mistake of going shopping & out to lunch with her yesterday and things kinda resurfaced because she feels "I'm have been neglecting our friendship for my husband" which is what prompt me to start this thread. Thank you very much to the person above who said get rid of this woman.
You are very welcome. Glad it helped! - Add this ...
[ In Reply To ..]Now she feels you have been negecting your friendship for your husband? Oh, really? Does she now?
That's a big red flag. She's jealous of your husband. She has become possessive of YOU.
If you don't feel creeped out, you should. I feel creeped out just hearing about it.
You have been picking up on the warning signs, but you are probably too close to the situation ... and too polite ... to think the worst. You see her good behavior, too, which mitigates the bad. It camouflages it so you don't really see it. You are still picking up the warning signs, though, because you are relating them here.
Honey, you are SUPPOSED to neglect other people for your spouse.
Sounds as though she developed her "relationship" with you very fast. That's another warning sign. Now she's possessive and trying to control you.
You need to be too busy to do anything else with her. Do not tell her what you are busy with. You're just busy. "Sorry! Busy, busy, busy! You know how it is!"
Don't think that going halfway will help. You need to cut off the friendship. Be pleasant and professional with her at work, but no more socializing.
Another suggestion is to educate yourself on these vampires. Www.highconflictinstitute.com has some free articles on just this type of wretch.
If I could give you a big hug, I would. Your posts - really helped me tonight.. OP
[ In Reply To ..]You hit the nail on the head with everything you posted. Thankfully, she works the float pool so I seldom have to work directly with her.
Run from that gal like your - butt was on fire!!
[ In Reply To ..]nm
You sound like you surround yourself with - troubled people
[ In Reply To ..]Dump them all and get some help for yourself as to why you don't recognize people with mental issues and accept them as friends and/or a husband.
She is overstepping... - see msg
[ In Reply To ..]She is a manipulator. She has low self-esteem. She is lonely and miserable and wants someone else to be lonely and miserable with her. How do you know she is not telling everything you say to her in a letter to her prison hubby?
I used to have a prison pen pal and wrote to him like a journal. Then I started getting mail from other inmates that I never gave my address too. That ended immediately!
Do not talk to her unless it is work related and keep is short and simple. Any excuse you give her as to why you can't see her or talk to her anymore will just be fuel for her to manipulate you.
Be a B**** if you have to.
She is a "snake" - run! - Wiser One
[ In Reply To ..]One of the best lessons I have learned in life is not to confide about your personal life. I have gone through this more than once and finally smartened out. These people are losers and not your friend. She is a narcissistic person who may want you to just be into "her". If she were your real friend you would not have to deal with her selfish, maneuvering personality. Just tell her, "Thanks for calling, I'll get back to you." And of course, never do it. You do not need this poison in your life. She is definitely not your "friend." A true friend would not do this. Be polite, respond but don't react. Don't ever get "involved" with her personally. She will "bite" you, she's a snake.
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