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Parent who is clingy and annoying

Posted: Jul 26, 2013

Has anyone had any experience with a clingy annoying parent? I am 36 years old. My dad is 64. He and my mom divorced in 2008. He was cheating. Well when he has problems with his girlfriend and is not living with her it is like he goes into this very annoying stage where he wants to talk to me on the phone every day multiple times a day. I have other things to do. I cannot sit on the phone all the time. Plus, he is one of those type people that you cannot tolerate talking to but about once a week. You know how it is. I'm sure everyone has experienced someone at some point who you can only tolerate every once in a while. Well mine happens to be my dad. I won't go into detail but he is one of those type people.

I had to turn my phone off today due to constant calls from him, and he doesn't need anything. He just wants to sit and talk about nothing. So I limit talking to him to once a week. The rest of the time I do not answer his calls. I know this probably sounds mean but you would have to know him. At one time a few years ago, he would call and I would talk for about 20 minutes about basically the same old things. I would tell him after a while I had to run, had dishes to do, laundry, etc. He would say ok. Ten to 15 minutes later he would call again and say what are you doing now. Just nerve wracking.

Well this week I talked to him and he wanted to come spend a couple nights. I'm thinking oh no. Thing is, he only lives 25 minutes away. He can come visit sometimes an hour or so and then go home. There is no need to sleep over. I have a family and personally I am not into sleep overs. I would go nuts dealing with him for 2 days. Today I'm sure I got no less than 15 missed calls from him and that is while the phone was on. I had to turn it off. Trust me, if you answer it's the same ole same ole. So hence, I just limit phone calls I answer to once per week.

How do you deal with someone like this without hurting feelings or is there no way to do it without hurting feelings? He has to understand he is a grown man. I am grown and have a family live on my own. He has to do the same. He can visit sometimes. We can talk once a week. But these phone calls ALL the TIME are ridiculous when there is nothing to talk about. And I don't do sleep overs. He is a grown man.

Oh and he does have someone to talk to. When he is not living with his girlfriend he lives with a friend of his who he has been friends with since they were around 18 or so. Another guy friend who is also divorced. So he has someone to talk to and be around. Why bug the heck out of me?

;

ewww... glad I'm not related to you - talk about annoying!

[ In Reply To ..]
I feel badly for your dad. Hes probably so upset with himself at raising such a horrid daughter that he's willing to do anything to fix it. Well, ya can't fix stupid. Your dad will figure that out soon, I suppose. You, however, will pay the price one day. YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE.

what a horrid, horrid thing you did - getting what you give

[ In Reply To ..]
I hope your commupence happens sooner rather than later.

Oh, pul-eeze! I can completely relate to what - the OP is going through sm.

[ In Reply To ..]
She's trying to be supportive, and doesn't want to hurt her dad's feelings, but he's being selfish and disrespectful of her time.

Short of being honest with him, which might hurt his feelings, or worse, have no effect at all on his call length and frequency, sometimes all one can do is turn off the phone and become "unavailable" when she doesn't have the time to deal with his calls.

Because of what she said about him calling back a short while later and saying, "What are you doing NOW?", I also would have to suspect some kind of early dementia.

Whatever the reason for his calls, I feel sorry for her because she's in a predicament with someone she loves who is wasting her valuable time. I have someone currently doing that with me, and it's always when I'm trying to work. I make little enough as it is, without wasting hours on the phone. So, I limit my time by either turning off the answer machine and not picking up, or else, if my attempts to limit the length of the conversation don't work, then my phone battery conveniently "runs out".

I think it was cruel and short-sighted of you to immediately pass judgement on the OP and label her a bad person, just because she realizes she has a problem with her dad. She's probably very glad too not be related to you, as well.

annoying family members - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I currently have this as well. I told her I have unlimited text so that's the best way she can get ahold of me. It didn't work, she keeps calling, so I keep ignoring her calls until she understands I mean what I say. Text only. I don't like talking on the phone, especially when there's no point to it, and there never is.

Here's how I make calls like that bearable: - MTBankAccount

[ In Reply To ..]
I have a family member who's having a lot of issues right now, and isn't really ready to take any advice, just wants to vent, vent, vent! There's not much else I can do to help her, other than to listen.

If I'm too busy working, I just don't pick up. When I do pick up, and she's saying the same things over and over and over again, to the point of making ME crazy too, I've learned to just use the time to web-surf, go on MT Stars, shop on eBay, write emails, pay bills, job-hunt, etc. I just mutter the occasional "Mmmm". "Uh huh." "Wow". "Okay." and just let her talk as much as she wants. She doesn't really want to hear what I have to say currently, just wants too hear herself. So, that's what I do. In fact, I'm on the phone with her right now. ;)

Yes you do get what you give.... - anonymouse

[ In Reply To ..]
You don't know what he gave when I was younger either...nothing. He lived in the same house with me but had nothing to do with me whatsoever. So if you get what you give then he is getting more than he gave.

I'm sorry if I do not do sleepovers. That is just the way I am. If my dad lived far away and came to visit that would be different but I see no need to sleep over when you live 25 min away from each other. I have no extra bed either.

I don't sit on the phone and talk when there is nothing to say, and there is nothing to say all the time. At least give it a week so you have something to talk about that has happened the week before.

Besides he is very annoying. I am sorry but it is the truth. I know it sounds horrid but I am just being honest. I talk to him when I do to be kind and because he is my dad. If he was not my dad I would have nothing to do with him. My sister actually has nothing to do with him. She will not answer any phone calls, hasn't in years. Has no contact whatsoever. I, on the other hand, am not like that. I would feel guilty if I never talked to him or saw him. Sorry it is what it is.

Do not feel like you have to justify yourself - to the angry troll up above

[ In Reply To ..]
Clearly they are either a troll or someone who is so unhappy with their own life that they have to tear down others to make themselves feel better.

Has your dad ever been evaluated for dementia? The situations you describe certainly have an awful lot of the hallmarks of it, in which case things are only going to get worse, I'm afraid to say.

You do need to set boundaries for the amount of contact you are comfortable with. If that's a once a week phone call, then so be it. No one can know what your situation is but you.

I would try to convince him to get a full evaluation, though, as this really sounds like some onset of dementia to me.

I would not beat myself - up over it

[ In Reply To ..]
Treat him with respect because he is your father, but he should also respect you. Right? Try not to feel so bad. I think you are doing a good job with it. You do talk to him, but you do have your own to take care of. I am sure you would help your father if he needed you, but that does not mean you have to live and breathe every moment with him either. Sometimes people just get on your nerves, you can't help it. Good Luck. Keep your chin up.

Your father sounds very lonely, I know - it must be hard for you

[ In Reply To ..]
As you age sometimes you have more time on your hands than say, you for example. You never have to answer the phone for him or anyone else. Mute it, don't answer, send to message. My father was out of town, used to try to get me to "sleep over" when I visited but I wanted to get back home sooner. He died as has the rest of my family and I only wish I could go back sometimes and relive moments many, many times now.

I had a similar problem and then... - MT

[ In Reply To ..]
I learned my dad had developed dementia, and then Alzheimers, and then no longer here.

Now I "could limit" my calls with him all I want because he isn't here anymore.

No offense, but next time you want to turn off the phone realize that any day he may not be there anymore and that would be forever.

Tough situation...No good answers - MyDadisDead

[ In Reply To ..]
I would be going crazy, too, but on the other hand, my own dad is dead. Has been since 1999, and his ashes are in an urn. Now I try to remember things he said and hold onto them because that's all I've got left. Yet, honestly, I can empathize as my own family has had their share of clingy seniors who are lonely and sometimes feeling a bit vulnerable and showing up for visits that last and last and at very hectic, inconvenient times, etc.

Little kids and older folks seem to have that in common--dependency--and feeling a bit vulnerable, and seniors really can go through periods of wondering about life issues, etc., trying to come to terms with no longer being vital or even relevant like they once were in their prime, and wondering who they can count on. Plus, there can be health issues going on.

My grandmother had a tough mom. They weren't really close and they argued and bickered nonstop, but my elderly great-grandmother needed someplace to live, so my grandmother dutifully took her in. When my great-grandmother died in her sleep, my grandmother said that she "felt free for the first time in a long time." I thought that was sad but probably honest. No doubt my great-grandmother was aware that she was not wanted, too, which would have been sad and difficult for her, as well.

For whatever reasons, your dad seems needy for your attention and/or emotional support, and maybe there is an underlying reason. How comfortable are you talking with him frankly? Possibly you could just have an open gentle conversation with him and ask him if he's okay and why does he seem so painfully lonely and insecure and even needy? Tell him you're worried about things, but still be reassuring that you love him and that it's just that you have other priorities you must address, too. Make sure he knows you always love him, though, and that he's welcome because he's your family, too, but maybe he'll re-balance his life a bit? Maybe he needs counseling or something when he realizes you have others to care for?

Maybe he needs a physical exam? Could he be showing early signs of dementia since he repeats the same stories over and over? I think I would want him to get thoroughly checked out, just like you would if your child was showing signs of a problem.

Also, as rough as it is dealing with him, remember that his lifespan is now, most likely, short (especially for males) and someday you might be reflecting back trying to remember little things he said or, worse, feeling horrible about things.

Does he have any hobbies or outside interests - sm - XXX

[ In Reply To ..]
other than you and his off/on GF? He is just bored I would say, with the mentality that the female family member needs to take care of him as well as entertain him. I would go batty too. My dad luckily has many outside interests, widowed and remarried, participates in golf, church, choir, tennis, etc. Very outgoing at 78. He is not a phone talker though. That one above saying you should take his calls...umm...if my math is right you would be on the phone with him 3-4 hours a day every day, who has the time for that, if she does more power to her then and a special place in heaven...most of us have to work, clean, feed kids, drive kids places, and don't have 4 hours of blow-off time a day and are not here to be someone's boredom relief.

Tell your dad to get some hobbies other than you, if he goes to church encourage him to be more active in it, if not maybe he could volunteer somewhere, or get a PT job somewhere, he needs some social interaction outside of you and his roommate. Good luck.

Honestly, I wouldn't answer the phone every time. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I would let the machine pick it up and call him back the next day. Each time he leaves a message, allow yourself a day to call him back. Eventually, he'll get the point.

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