Sorry to bother you all again

Posted: Mar 6, 2015

I am sorry to always complain and ask prayer for myself. I see so many others who need this more than me. I have just come to the end of my tether. Things are just going downhill since my two hospital stays. One is that this ear things has not cleared up. I have had one course of oral antibiotic and two of ear drops. Nothing. It still will not open up. I go to my medical doctor on 03/16/2015. Got to have an abdominal x-ray next week to see if stent came out after my ERCP. I go on Tuesdays and Thursdays to cardiopulmonary rehab. Okay, tonight, I just pulled out a filling and this is Friday. I will have to go to the dentist if I can get in in order to have it filled. Just takes so long to get an appointment. Don't have any kind of emergency dental thing around here. Well, I am really depressed. I have quit smoking but I want one so bad because I just lost my job. Now that means an entirely different and not so nice lifestyle. If I can find somewhere I can afford to live then it will be pretty nasty, low income housing. I will officially be poor and I will worry like my poor mother did about that the rest of her life. I always tried to help her, but I will never get the help myself. My son does not seem to care about anyone but his father. That hurts so terribly badly for me all these years. Anyway, all of these things plus trying to get back to normal after pneumonia and this ERCP and now losing my job and having to endure this neverending winter, has just done me in as far as my depression. I am on the verge of tears, but I hate to just let loose because I never stop. That is the worst thing about depression is not being able to stop crying. So far I still sleep okay but wake up frequently (go to BR) and can eat (now I seem to be in the really starved phase but it will change to not eating fairly soon). I was doing so well on my current dose of Lexapro and I do not want to up that dosage because usually when they increase my dosage, I get awful side effects like panic attacks which I never have had. I have anxiety but not full blown anxiety attacks. At any rate, here I am again asking for help. It is just that I don't have help around here because I do not yet belong to a church and in a small town it is rather hard to trust people won't go telling your problems to others. Please pray for all of these needs here first and mine last, but please do pray that I can get more work on the one account I have left. My company split last year and all my work went with the new side. I hate it because now they have split it all up and we don't get the usual accounts we had and made money on. So I pray that I can work for the other side now, the only remaining one I have. I very rarely get much work on it and had none the last pay period. I just want to keep working a little anyway to supplement my fixed income and tiny pension. I cannot live on that now. Rent is staggering here, then your supplementary insurance, cable and internet, two life insurances that I have to pay on because I got a pre-paid funeral but still have to pay on the policies till I am gone. I have auto and renters insurance and of course electric bill and $30 for one of the disposable phones. I would love to know what I use for money for food or my part of the payment for my meds and necessary supplements I have to take. Oh, it just never ends. You save one place and some company raises their fees or something and all of it is for naught. I am so down tonight. I hate that. I have been so in awe of what God has been doing for me. Now it is like the rug has been pulled out from under me again. ;