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The MIL pains

Posted: Oct 23, 2013

I have the type of mother-in-law, who is ALWAYS in everybody's business and she loves to stir up trouble. My husband comes from a very large family and this MIL keeps things stirred up. The situation is that my hubby has ONE brother who he just does not get along with. There is some serious bad blood there, too much to go into, but some very ligitimate reasons why the two don't get along. However, hubby has 10 other brothers/sisters who he gets along with just fine. My MIL keeps stuff stirred up between hubby and the brother, even though she wouldn't have to and they still don't like each other. Well, MIL gets on these "missions" and like a few years ago, she was like.."Oh, it is my dying wish that my two sons would be in the same room again" and on and on and on. So, hubby feels bad, his brother feels bad and they both attend a family gathering that MIL arranged. It was VERY negative energy, tension, etc., and not a pleasant time for anyone really, but MIL sat there gloating on how she brought them together. Hubby also has a few more siblings that he never sees btw, due to location, and MIL never even brings this up, she doesn't care, because this isn't drama.

Well, now low and behold, MIL really is sick and it is possible that she could die soon, but then again any of us could die soon. BUT, AGAIN, she is on the spill of "Oh my, if only my two boys would be together once again, that is my one wish". Now, about six months ago, brother happened to come over to MILs the same time hubby and I were there, we all said hello and walked our different ways and she never mentioned anything then, her meetings HAVE to be with the entire HUGE family around in order to get attention. With this new venture, I really want to say "NO, this can't be your one wish, it was already your one wish in the past, and you got that wish, move on" and hubby kind of feels the same way, but I'm afraid if something did happen to her he would feel guilt, like he couldn't do that for her. BUT, doing that for her causes much turmoil in our own little family, causes negative energy, negative thinking, dragging up the past, and so forth. Would you encourage your husband to grin and bear it or just say, NO, we're good and not subject ourselves or the other family to that tension just for the sake of MILs need for a circus side show or something?

Thanks for listening, I realize this is long.

;

I would just say NO - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
rather than continuously cave in to extended family demands. It's a crock and won't mean scratch in the long run.

Make your own family happy first, rather than letting others walk all over you.

I had that crap for too many years and finally put a stop to it and have been happy ever since.

I would grin and bear it - and

[ In Reply To ..]
just learn to move on. It seems that you and your husband are way stuck in the past for this to affect you so greatly, especially since meeting with the brother is not a regular thing and you don't otherwise communicate.

I'd do the same. - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
.

Grin and bear it - one final time. sm

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I would tell hubby to get together with bro, get a picture of the 2 of them together, present MIL with framed picture. No more caving in after that.

excellent advice - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
The picture idea is perfect.

My question with this would be, how many more "final" times - would MIL pull out of her... SM

[ In Reply To ..]
She's pulled this enough, if it were me. Time for OP to shut it down and move on with their own family life instead of waiting for the next "final time" and the next, next, etc.

Sounds like you're the one causing the drama - no msg needed

[ In Reply To ..]
x

The poor woman is "sick" and "could die soon" - Same thing going on in my family

[ In Reply To ..]
I think you are all acting quite immaturely. Time to grow up. There are too many bigger problems in the world. I would think that adults should be able to behave in a civil manner for a few moments of their life to make this woman happy. Try and put yourself in her place.

She is a narcissist - Lulu

[ In Reply To ..]
Having lived in a family full of narcissists, I know firsthand the chaos they love to cause. All I can suggest is to Google narcissistic parents. There are so many helpful sites with good information and support. I think I would have lost my mind had I not found some help, or at least realized I was not alone in dealing with these things. Some people just cannot believe it is possible for parents to act this way, like it's taboo, that anyone could possibly be that self-centered. My parent has since passed on and I am learning to live my own life now, have distanced myself from any extended family, will not allow myself to be treated that way ever again. Good luck to you and your husband. A lot of survivors have cut off all contact with their parents. I wasn't strong enough to do that, but I know it can be done. There are strategies to use in dealing with such a person. They are many times depicted as vampires feeding off of other's emotions, guilt, fears, enjoying the pain and strife they cause through their manipulations. It sounds so harsh, but it really is true. You can only believe it having lived through it.

Been there, done that with a mother who had - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
borderline personality disorder. I found a great message board/support group. It was surprising to find out how many other people have had similar experiences. http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php

Nearly 20 years before she died, my relationship with my mother ended for all intents and purposes. A lot of people can't understand it. I put it this way--if you had gangrene in a limb, you'd have it amputated to save your life. There really was no other option if I wanted to have any semblance of a healthy life.

Glad you found your way through it, too.

Sounds like a repeat - of a post from

[ In Reply To ..]
several months ago...same MO. Same words. Nothing new to report?

Hubby's decision, not yours or ours. - Ayn

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Step back and tell hubby he needs to be the one making this decision and then you support whatever he decides.

It sounds like - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
you are more interested in making her unhappy.

First, I have to say the post above me is the best response I have seen so far - It is your husbands decision, not yours. If your husbands family is anything like my husbands family they want wives and husbands of family members to "butt out". It is between your husband, his sibling and his mother. Let your husband decide what he wants to do. You need to step back and (bluntly saying) keep your mouth shut. I say that because that is exactly what I was told one time and it was a very wise person who told me that and it was the best thing I did (didn't get on the bad side of his siblings)

Although I have to say sounds as though your are more interested in trying to win an argument or get back at her for something. If she's anything like my mother-in-law can't say I blame you, but...there is a time when you have to just stop and say, this is not worth it, there are more important things.

Who care "what type of mother-in-law" she is. She is still a person, she still has children, she still wants everyone to be happy. Maybe its a fantasy, but you did say this time she is really ill and may die. Why not let her have her last wish. What harm is it really going to do.

Two things to tell yourself:

1. After she dies are you going to sit and say to yourself I'm glad she was able to have one of her final wishes before she died or are you going to be happy with yourself by saying...yup I got my way, I really showed her whose boss that I was in charge of the decision and she didn't get her wish and I'm happy with that choice.

2. Next, tell yourself this...I'm not immediate family. Maybe immediate family do not want me sticking my opinion in when it comes to their immediate siblings. You will come out as the better person if you butt out, sit back enjoy yourself and tell your husband it is his siblings this is between them. I stand by my husband in his decision, but is not my place to comment on this. Your husband's family will respect you more. I know that from experience (even when it was because my MIL told me she wanted me dead). I sat back and let my husband and his siblings work it out. I stayed quiet and I believe they respected me for that.

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