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Mothers Day
Posted: May 7, 2013
Mother's Day is coming up and I am not sure what to do about my mom. She doesn't really talk to me anymore or ever visit me. If I call her she will talk but she won't call me. Her husband of 2 years doesn't like my hubbie and I so I guess he tells her not to call me or maybe she just doesn't want to. In any case, she used to call me if not every day at least every 2 days faithfully. We were always extremely close. She always visited me frequently. We always just had a close mother daughter relationship, and boy do I miss it. The first time I met him we went out to dinner and when my mom went to the bathroom he looked at me and said my mom had told him how close we were and had always been. He said "You need to get off your mom's tit." I was extremely offended and told my mom the next day and she blew it off and said he didn't mean anything by it. Over the two years she has distanced herself for me and now no longer associates with me unless I initiate it. So that is the background info.
Of course I still love her dearly and miss her terribly. My question is what should I do for mother's day? On my bday in Feb, she did not even acknowledge my bday for the first time in my life. I am 36. She has always went and bought me a cake and a gift. Heck acknowledging my bday would have been good. Didn't have to do cake. I got no phone call nothing. My son who is 15 called and asked her did she forget it was my bday because he saw it made me sad. I didn't even know he called until later when my hubbie told me. She told him yes she knew it was my bday. He said ok I was just making sure you hadn't forgot. She said no I will call her later. But never did. A few days after my bday I got a card in the mail. I was glad and called her and told her thank you but was still hurt she did not acknowledge it on my bday with a phone call at least. This is def not the norm..
I think I am going to get a card and even though she didn't call me I think I will still call her and tell her happy mothers day and I will put a gift card in the mothers day card. Some people would prob say why? She didn't acknowledge your bday. I just would feel so bad if I didn't give her something. I don't think I can do that and I don't want to.
Am I stupid to do this when she has thrown me under the bus so to speak to make her man happy? I just don't want to have regrets you know. I wanna be able to say I did everything I could to be a part of her life.
;
I would do the right thing, even if she does not - but thats me
[ In Reply To ..]Yes, I would get her a card, gift card, flowers, chocolates, something, because that is the right thing to do, and because that is how you want to be treated. If she does not do that, its on herself. You always want to do the right thing.
Agree. Plus, the mom's husband sounds - Anon
[ In Reply To ..]a bit controlling, at least. If I were the OP, I would stay on the mom's good side for when the mom gets tired of her hubby and needs a sympathetic ear.
You should definitely acknowledge her on Mother's Day sm - Old Woman
[ In Reply To ..]not because it is the right thing to do but because you love obviously love her and miss her.
It is apparent to me that this new husband of hers is driving a wedge between her and her family. This is a classic characteristic of an over-controlling, possibly abusive husband. If he has not been physically abusive to her, he certainly has been emotionally abusive to her by trying to keep her away from her family. If I were you, I would invite Mom to lunch on Mother's Day WITHOUT her husband, just the 2 of you, and have a frank conversation with her about her husband. Not how he makes YOU feel, but voice your concern for her emotional and physical well-being.
Similar situation but know 1,000 percent this - might not be what you think
[ In Reply To ..]Approximately 2005 I cut ties with a child of mine, long story and will not elaborate on what happened. I got a letter from my granddaughter (their child) when she went away to college trying to put the blame on a man I had married in 2000. She was completely wrong, had nothing to do with my husband at all. If before 2005 she or any member of the family had taken a little bit of time to know my husband, she would know he keeps any and all thoughts to himself, is not even forthcoming with me about thoughts, never has a bad thing to say about anyone, anything, never argues, no conflict, nothing. I am sorry I do not have the closeness my child and I had when they were younger and I miss not being acknowledged on days like Mother's Day or my birthday but what happened to me was years in the making and I just finally gave up. What one thinks and what one knows could be miles from the truth.
But man poster discussed made his heart known when he told - her she needed to get off Moms tit. nm
[ In Reply To ..]x
Exactly. - SS
[ In Reply To ..]I thought that was a red flag. After all, he waited until she got up to go to the bathroom and told me.
Unfortunately, my mom was too smitten and still is to see the warning. Any snide remarks he has ever made she says oh he didn't mean anything by it.
Pretty sure he hates us... - SS
[ In Reply To ..]Actually he is a controlling type person, and my husband is one of those who will not be controlled. We made the mistake of moving on his property. It lasted a year and things went from bad to worse. He was always in our business. Told us where to park, was always riding by to be nosy and then going home and calling and asking why did you park there? Or he didn't want the outside night light on even though we paid our own light bills so why did he care? He said the light was on his property and he could say whether it was on or off even though we paid our own bill, just crazy stuff, very controlling. Then when we turned it off he wanted to know why it was off and said have it turned back on. Could not please the man. So we moved a few months back and he and my hubbie got into it and all that but that should not have anything to do with my mom and I.
He has called my husband's boss and told him my husband was charged with drugs, which was 12 years ago. Hubbie told his boss he wasn't gonna hide it he was put on probation 12 years ago for having a small amount of methamphetamine and had learned his lesson. Hubbie's boss thought it odd the man went to the trouble to tell him that for no reason and said he could tell he was just trying to stir up trouble and paid him no mind and finally told him not to call him anymore.
He is a spiteful person. So I'm pretty sure he doesn't like us... Now maybe my mom doesn't want to talk to me, maybe she does. It's just not something anybody would ever think she would do.
People have to be responsible for their OWN actions - MyO
[ In Reply To ..]Your mom puts up with him doing all of that to you, so you shouldn't feel bad about not having her in your life anymore. If I remarried and my husband even thought about treating one of my children like that, he would be in the road VERY quickly! If a man made a comment like that to one of my children, then he would have been left there sitting at the restaurant ALONE once I found out about it.
Your mom is CHOOSING to put a person before her own family, so let her do it. One day, she will see the light and then she can apologize to you and perhaps be part of your life again, but just because SHE chooses to be part of this man's abuse, doesn't mean that you and YOUR family need to be subject to that. You are giving her the impression that it is okay with you, that you will always be there, so that gives her no indication that she should re-evaluate her relationships. Step back, treat her how you are being treated and MAYBE she will see the light.
BYH - I feel for you
[ In Reply To ..]The bottom line is you love your mom. You know she loves you even if her situation has put a wedge in being able to show you she does.
By all means, send her a Mother's Day card. Don't expect an acknowledgement. Just be glad you showed her you love her.
Big hugs coming from a 52 yo gal who lost her mom to dementia and who died 2 months ago. She couldn't remember my name, but to the very day she died, I knew she loved me.
I stopped talking to my dad - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I realize she is your mother and most people will agree that you should STILL try to be a part of her life, but I just don't. My dad was really close to me, before I got married. I lived with a guy for 6 years and my dad LOVED the guy, because they had a lot of common interests. The guy treated me like crap, BUT got along great with my dad, so we were always at my dad's house, etc.
Once I met my husband and we got married, well my husband has nothing in common with my dad. My husband has never been rude to him and my husband even has tried doing things with my dad, that hubby didn't particularly enjoy, just to be around him, but my dad didn't really take him in with "open arms".
Hubby STILL doesn't dislike him or anything, but my dad and his wife stopped inviting us to things and they never even see our children, their grandchildren! My kids wouldn't recognize them, probably, if they saw them. I used to call on birthdays, holidays, etc. and even Christmas was this thing where my dad would tell me what time he would be at our house to deliver gifts, he would stay 10 minutes MAX and leave.
I just got tired of it. It was almost like trying to keep a relationship with a stranger, so I stopped calling and didn't even call Christmas, didn't buy them gifts and they didn't buy us any either. My dad was in the hospital about a month ago and my step-mom called and I did go to the hospital to see him and at that point I haven't even seen him in TWO YEARS. He didn't act mad at me, I didn't act mad at him either, he just acted like he just saw me the day before or something.
I'm just not putting effort into something that the other person won't put effort in, I'm sorry, I just won't. As far as "He will be gone one day" I understand that, but I would rather keep the happier memories, than memories of feeling like he doesn't even care to be around me one way or the other.
I would send it first because you love your mom and second - cos it will po the you know what out of him
[ In Reply To ..]and I wouldn't send anything like candy that he could eat. Send flowers and a nice mooshy card of how much you love her and what she means to you. In fact I wouldn't send it. I would personally bring it by.
Get the gift card specifically for her...not a restaurant - where he gets part of your gift - nm
[ In Reply To ..]nm
You said it yourself--she threw you under - AzMt
[ In Reply To ..]the bus which she did. You have a son and I would think about him on Mother's Day, as I bet you are a good Mother to him. She isn't acting like a Mother to you, so why get her a card? I wouldn't.
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