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Meddling MILs, mothers, and grandmothers.
Posted: Jul 26, 2012
My daughter is engaged to be married to a wonderful man who has a 4-year-old daughter. The child's mother died when she was almost 2. At that point, both sets of her grandparents pitched in to help her father for 1-1/2 years with this child. They fight between themselves for more time with her. They could not love her more. They live 6 hours away, but have contributed so much to her care up to this point.
However, now that my daughter is in the picture and trying to bond with this child, the grandparents are starting to meddle. The child was so small so my daughter started giving her PediaSure with her breakfast. MIL got upset about this and wanted her taken to a doctor. Done. The doctor said she needed to gain 5-10 pounds. My daughter put her in swimming lessons this summer. MIL got upset because she is "too young." Since she is not afraid of the water, her father told his parents that is what is best for her.
My daughter started reading her a story at night and making her bedtime 8:30. She has also started taking a nap if she is up late/early. This took some doing because she has never had naps or a bedtime. She had refused to sleep in her bed. She slept with her father because it was easier for him than to listen to her throw a fit. When he stopped letting her sleep with him, he would find her all over the house in the morning (once asleep in the kitchen floor). My daughter has rewarded good behavior, and bedtime is running much smoother. MIL came and was actually upset that the child did not cry for her to come in and sleep with her. MIL wrote my daughter an e-mail and said this was not good for her because she would get too upset and might throw up.
Basically, it appears they are trying to keep her a baby. She starts preschool next month. The father called his mother and told her it was inappropriate for her to e-mail his fiancee about her care for the child. He said he could see positive changes and cooperation from the little girl, where her behavior up until this point was that of a spoiled rotten brat. Everyone felt sorry for her, and she could get away with anything. It was hard to watch. He basically said, thank you for stepping up when I needed you (after the child's mother died), and for helping me take care of her, but in order for the 3 of us to move foward in our life and have a future as a family, you need to step back now. She got really ticked off. I think she expected to be the one to basically be this child's mother and make all the decisions.
My daughter enrolled her in preschool. MIL e-mailed again regarding her selection of schools. It's just one thing after another. She asked me how to put a stop to it. So, now that makes ME a meddling MIL, doesn't it. I told her not to respond to any of the e-mails, NONE. I told her not to defend herself or her decisions. I said if she is forced to respond to these comments/questions, simply say something like, "I understand your concern, but we are doing well." Did not work. She does not want to hurt their feelings or come between them and their granddaughter, but they are coming between all 3 of them. Now what?
;
I should add one more thing. - OP
[ In Reply To ..]When this little girl would throw her tantrums, her father would console her to the point he got upset and would spank her. My daughter asked him to stop doing that and take steps leading up to it, so that the choice would be the child's. She gets a warning. She has been introduced to "time out" in her room. She is given the choice of these steps before she is "popped." The child has told her grandparents about the new "time out" thing, and they do not like it. They say my daugher is inexperienced with children, as she has none of her own. This is true, but she is a special ed teacher of children K-3. She has done wonderful things with this child's behavior. She is using manners and actually uses a civil tone with adults now. I realize she is not a mother, herself, but this is not rocket science.
I don't believe she should have to keep telling the father to speak to them. She needs to speak up for herself, it IS her place. How can she tell them to butt out and make it effective without really hurting them or causing them to hate her before they are even married.
Actually, she needs ot make sure soon to be hubby - stays as a buffer
[ In Reply To ..]It sounds like he is completely on board with what she is doing and it sounds like she is doing an AMAZING job with the little girl. Kudos to you as well, because I have to believe that some of this your daughter learned from her own mum.
The fiance has already done a good thing in asking the parents to step back. He needs to reiterate that over and over again. Your daughter needs to ignore e mails and if she is confronted directly in person by the grandparents, then any response gets directed to the fiance.
The grandparents have to learn that the child isn't "poor little girl" and that she does have to abide by rules that are set down by her parents - and one of her parents now is your daughter.
They will continue to try to undermine your daughter at every turn. She just needs to smile and keep on going on the path that she and the child's father feel are the right one and don't engage the in laws in discussion.
It's sort of like trying to argue with a drunk. You never win. You just have to smile and walk away.
I can relate to this situation... - me
[ In Reply To ..]Similar situation here in the past - raised my granddaughter pretty much for the 1st three years of her life after her parents divorced. My son lives here but was in a funk pretty much after his return from Iraq. The mother (who has custody) remarried, had another child and relocated a few hours away, so now we only see our granddaughter every other weekend instead of daily. It took me months to adjust, as I was pretty much the primary caretaker - now my son has stepped up to the plate, however, and the only words of advice that I can give - that really hit home when my son said them to me - are "She's not your child." Light bulb came on and I took a step back...I raised my kids, now I have to trust that my son and his ex-wife will raise my granddaughter right. That is what these inlaws need to remember also - and take several steps back and be supportive but available. A difficult lesson learned. Good luck.
A differing opinion - BTDT
[ In Reply To ..]I think you need to look at this from their POV. They see your daughter as someone who is taking their place. Not only that, she is taking the place of the maternal grandparent's daughter. The decisions made regarding the child's education should be made by the father. They are sending e-mails to your daughter because she is making all of these changes, not him. When he told them to basically back off, that probably made your daughter even more of a monster to them. He needs to step up and make the decisions regarding the child's upbringing and your daughter should back him up. After all, your daughter can walk out anytime she wants. They will always be the grandparents. I do think that your daughter has made some very positive changes in the child's life. However, she should teach these skills to the father to use on the child. That way, she won't be the bad guy all the time. The grandparents need to let go but it will be a very gradual process. It's not their job to discipline the child. That is the parent's job. It is also hard to discipline a child who has lost their mother. On top of that, this child is their link to the daughter they lost. I think a little more compassion is needed here.
I agree. Your daughter is not this childs mother - and never will be
[ In Reply To ..]She will be a step mother, and should never be making the decisions of this child. The father should make all the decisions. She should not discipline, she should not choose schools, etc. That is not her job. She can do that to her own kids someday.
I also believe the grandparents need to back out of it, but that is for the son to take care of as they are his parents and in-laws.
That little girl has been through enough. I hope everyone gets off her back!
To BTDT, and post about her not being the mother. - please see message
[ In Reply To ..]You are so right. The maternal grandparents were upset when they found out about my daughter's care and discipline of their granddaughter. They did not even want the father dating yet. However, when they met her, it was hard (as she has the same name as their daughter did), and there were some tears. They did thank her for the care of their granddaughter, and said they could see so many improvements in her, especially the demanding tantrums, not eating, no bedtime, etc. They want a good relationship with my daughter because this child is all they have left of their daughter, and do not want to do anything to jeopardize the time they spend with her in the future. My daughter told them that they will always be her grandparents and she would never deny them that.
Now, as far as the statement that my daughter should not be making any decisions for this child or disciplining her; no, she is not her mother and never will be. The child has no mother, but she is willing to step up to the plate and do the best she can. It has not been discussed with the rest of the family yet, but when they marry, she will be adopting her. She IS the only mother the child has. She wants to establish this relationship in the right way. The father is on board with the discipline, as he sees she needs it. She is trying to strike a balance where she is not always the heavy. She also wants the child to understand boundaries and respect. There have been such great strides there. Then she wants the child to actually love her. At that point, she is ready to become her mother and adopt her. This is definitely moving along nicely. However, the actual MIL-to-be is the problem. She wants to make these decisions. She has always let her stay up until 10-11, eat what she wants, if she wants, slept with her, and basically rewarded bad behavior. At this point, the child has not "been through anything." She does not remember her mother. She does not remember her dying. She does not pull the "my mother died" card for sympathy because everyone does it for her. My daughter certainly sympathizes with what has happened to her, but there still have to be expectations and boundaries. She and her fiance are trying to establish them, but it seems the MIL wants more control. She does not want to say, "This is not your child," but she also does not want to hear that either. This will be her child and she wants what is best for her. She knows the future MIL does too, they just don't agree much.
No, she isn't the child's mother... - I'mAStepmomToo
[ In Reply To ..]But she definitely is caring for this little girl as her Mom and as her own. She has plans to adopt this little girl. Your comment of "She can do that to her own kids someday." is extremely insensitive and insulting.
Stepparents have the hardest job. We have to love these kids, help raise them, but take all the heat and have no rights to these kids at all. It SUCKS. She SHOULD be discussing discipline, schools, etc with her fiance. They should make these decisions together, with him having the final say as the birth parent. However, she DOES have a say in how the kids in her household are being raised, particularly when she is the only Mom that little girl has now, and will be adopting her in the future. You can't be hands off and then once she adopts her jump into all the decisions. That's asinine.
I agree that the father should be making all the final decisions, but she absolutely has a right to be part of the discussions and weigh-in on the decisions.
And yes - the grandparents absolutely need to step back. They raised their children. Yes, the fiance needs to tell them to back off.
It sounds to me like this woman has been a very positive influence in this little girl's life, and she HAS been through a lot...she needs stability, structure, and someone who loves her. It sounds like she has 2 wonderful parents who do just that.
Did you read the OP at all? - the grandmothers
[ In Reply To ..]are keeping the child an infant, their interaction with her does not appear to have had her best interests at heart at all. The child's behavior has improved since her soon-to-be stepmother entered the picture and provided some rules and structure to her life. The grandmothers need to step back and allow someone who obviously knows what she's doing to take over and give the child a chance at a successful life. Keeping her a baby and allowing her to throw tantrums and be rewarded for them will do no one any good, least of all the child.
The child's father needs to be firm in his insistence that the grandmothers stop meddling and let the family unit form and flourish as it seems to be doing.
Agree with just about everyone here. - Uh-huh.
[ In Reply To ..]Agree that the maternal grandmother should back off, that the father should be the one initiating the changes (for now at least), and that your daughter needs to show a bit more compassion. Let's face it, the MIL is used to being in charge, so speak, and now someone has pushed her aside. While she should take the higher road and step back, she is not. It might be a good idea for your daughter to at least keep the grandmother involved, ask her for advice even about stupid things your daughter already knows. Just anything that helps the grandmother feel helpful.
Been mulling this over a few days now - I'mAStepmomToo
[ In Reply To ..]I am a stepmom to a boy with ADHD whose own mother does not want him, never has, puts herself first in every situation, BUT she (still) enjoys using the boy as a weapon against my husband. My stepson is SO screwed up emotionally and mentally because of her games. My husband's family has sided with this idiot because she (for now) has primary custody of him (we get weekends, etc). This has gotten to the point that his family won't talk to us and everyone has blamed me for everything (if I didn't exist, they'd still be married, happy, etc...LOL right)
Your daughter is doing right by that girl in the face of personal pain and adversity. Good for her. THAT is a true MOM. Anyone can be a mother or father - MOMs and DADs are special. I will offer one piece of advice, though. She needs to stop talking to her fiance's family about the girl. Let her husband do that. Then he can take the heat. Also, make sure he is talking about WE decided to...WE feel it's best to...WE are going to... It isn't just her. SHE can't do anything legally because she's a stepmom - it's all done with the dad's approval.
Tell her to stay strong, keep doing right by that little one, and make sure her fiance stands up for her NOW - it'll be even harder once they're married.
If you or she needs anything or even just to vent to someone who's been (and still is) there, feel free to email me.
Good luck to all of you.
Thanks StepMom. What some do not seem to understand. - OP
[ In Reply To ..]Sorry it took me so long to respond. I am sorry, but I do not accept e-mails from this site, but I do appreciate your kind words.
My daughter has been a special education teacher (K-3) for 8 years, so she is not totally inexperienced with children. She is off for the summer, and this little girl is totally in her care most of the time, whereas she had previously stayed with her grandparents. This was by her and her fiance's design, so that she could spend a lot of time alone with the little girl so they could bond and develop a close relationship before they get married after the first of next year. Obviously, my daughter is going to be making many decisions. She put her in swim lessions. She had her portrait done because it had not been done since before her mother died. She has made her take naps, had her hair cut, and made her go to bed before 11 p.m. They spend a lot of time together, and when the little girl sees her grandparents she tells them about what she has been doing. They pick apart everything! I guess that is to be expected somewhat, but after a while it gets to be obnoxious.
As far as the school, my daughter is a teacher, so the fiance did leave it up to her where the child would be enrolled, etc. Although he did not tell his parents that, they knew.
It is NOT time for my daughter to back off. This is the very time for her to bond with this child. They need this time. She is going to adopt her for goodness sake. She also knew this child's behavior would have to improve before she went to school, and that there would have to be a rule about bedtime, which is going well because she is awarded a bedtime story every night if she does not throw a tantrm. The tantrums have stopped at bedtime but not completely during the day if she is tired.
I do agree that the fiance should stick up for my daughter, and lovingly ask his parents to step back. This is hard because, to their credit and in all honesty, they love this child dearly and have been very helpful to him and the little girl. This is the problem. No one wants to hurt their feelings. When my daughter asked what she should do, I told her to avoid their phone calls and not respond to the texts and e-mails she has been receiving from the paternal grandmother. That would be the nicest way you could say butt out. I also said if they forced these conversations on her, she was going to have to talk with them as gently as she could. They do not know she is going to adopt the little girl yet because she thinks they will throw a fit.
As I see no point in my meddling as well, I have not talked to anyone except her. I am hoping that time, a lot of time, will take care of this. It just seems the closer my daughter gets with this child, the angrier the paternal grandmother gets. The problem with the maternal grandmother has been discussed and worked out. I was so proud of my daughter, sitting there watching this woman cry and comforting her and assuring her about the future relationship with her granddaughter.
Will time solve this?
There's no way to know :( - I'mAStepmomToo
[ In Reply To ..]It's been almost 5 years in my situation and it has not improved. My parents actually are still fairly icy to my husband about my son. I guess I should tell you the other side of my story.
I left my husband when my son was not quite 5 months old because he hurt him. I moved back in with my parents and lived there for 9 months. My (now) husband and I moved in together at that point (we knew each other for 20 years - we just reconnected and 'clicked') and moved to where he lives (another state from where I lived with my folks). My parents have been upset about "taking their grandson away" ever since. My husband actually adopted my son over a year ago because my ex didn't want the responsibility (yeah, he's a real peach). Since then, it's gotten a LITTLE less overt, but they still get in cheap shots of "We miss him SO MUCH when he goes back to
It may get a little less pointed, but there is a good chance that it will never be all hearts and flowers between your daughter and the in-laws. I REALLY wish I could tell you differently. I wouldn't wish the last 5 years of my life on a snake. It's hard. Holidays suck. We just had a bunch of funerals to attend and they were harder than normal.
The best advice I can give to you/your daughter is...
- Do what she and her fiance agree is best for that little girl.
- Cling to each other for strength.
- As much as possible, do not let the family drama into their house. Even if that means the fiance talks to his folks when he's at work, etc. and not when he's at home. (My husband ignores his mom's calls now until he's at work or in the car to not bring that trouble into the house. I don't tell my husband about the digs my parents make.)
It sounds like your daughter and her fiance are doing an excellent job with that little girl. She is very lucky to have 2 very loving parents after facing such a difficult thing as losing her mother.
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