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It's Final!!

Posted: May 5, 2011

Well - for those of you who followed my thread 1-2 months ago - my divorce was finalized yesterday (on what would have been our anniversary). It was a very quick process - 8 weeks from finding out he was cheating on me. The tears are coming a little less frequency and i'm trying every day to let the anger part go. He has taken a job 3 states and 900+ miles away. For that i'm sad for my 10 year old boy. I'm a single child and my parents live 4 hours away so it's also sad that it seems him and I are now on our own. Any ideas how to handle that or different things to do? I did buy us season tickets to an amusement and water park that's an hour away for this summer and he has a taekwondo competition in austin for a week this summer so that will be our vacation also (i was told that san antonio is an hour away from there so hoping i'll have some extra $$ that we can go to sea world one day that he's not competing). His school is having Donuts for Dads one day the week after his dad is moving - i'm stressing about that. It's before school starts that day so I was debating on going to work late that morning and taking him out for breakfast and then check him in "tardy".?.? He keeps asking when he's gonna get to fly to wisconsin and i know that eventually he will but with his dad just starting a new job, he's not gonna have the time to take off anytime soon. They also go hunting every year at Thanksgiving and although his dad has mentioned elk hunting I don't want to promise or say anything to my son and then have it fall through.

Anyways - thank you everyone for all your prayers, board chats and emails. I love all y'all!!

;

Silly Girl - cindy

[ In Reply To ..]
As far as the Donuts for Dads, is there a neighbor or family friend of the male gender that can go as a fill in for his dad? When my kids were in elementary school, they would allow a substitute or even a mom to go in the place of a dad in a situation like yours. Also, while school is still in session, utilize the school counselor/social worker. She might even have a group of kids that she meets with weekly or monthly who are in the same position as him and this might help him cope.

Do you and your ex have web cams? I did not have this technology around when my kids were young, or if it was, was way to expensive then. Web cams are pretty cheap nowadays and this would be a great way for him to talk and 'see' his dad.

Your son is 10, so I would just sit him down and talk to him about the fact that his dad has moved and starting a new job, that he is unable to take off or work yet, but the time will come for him to go visit. I would not mention the elk hunting yet, as that is a ways off and something could fall through and he would be completely disappointed.

To help fill the void of his dad being gone, pick one day a week to do something special with him. It does not have to cost anything. It could be going to a local park to play and then a little picnic where you encourage him to talk about his feelings. During the summer, our library system has a great program for younger school-age children where they have guest speakers at the library doing a puppet show, a live animal demonstration, ect. and it also encourages them to read. My kids absolutely loved that and it was free. Even just a family night at home playing games is good.

The best thing is to be there for him when he needs the extra emotional support and be positive and encourage him to keep the lines of communication open.

I wish you the best of luck and I am sure you will be fine, as will your son!

bless you both - AARPMom

[ In Reply To ..]
Doughnuts for Dads...I used to stress over that one, but found a young man in our neighborhood who was in seminary and helped with VBS for a local church, asst youth minister, who stood in for my little one. She was very proud for him to come to her class.

Stuff to do. Cici's has the buffet that you two can share for a special night out. During the summer, check your local movie theater to see if they do the free movie or $1 movie day once a week. Or game night with you and one of his friends.

Now about his dad living so far away. Kids aren't able to grasp the concept of grownups living apart. Visualizing the locale would work wonders for him. If your ex could get the computer hook up like was suggested, that would be wonderful. Not just to see his dad, but to see pictures of things where his dad is...the place he is staying, what the street looks like, the library, the local grocery, etc. Kids actually do worry more than they let on that they are going to be forgotten by the missing parent. Pictures really are important to help reassure them. Maybe you can Google the city and look at pictures.

If he seems angry one day, sit on the floor with some old magazines and the two of you just rip out one page at a time. It helps if you put a waste basket nearby to throw them into and it can even become relaxing to see who makes the baskets. It's easier to get a kid to open up when you are doing something next to them and the talking comes easier, like it's a side thought to what you're doing. Lots of other things like that to do, just use your imagination.

Keep taking care of you, too. I'm proud you found your footing.

I remember you, and responded to your post. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Boy, that was a quick divorce. In the state I live in, if there are under-aged children in the home, the divorce takes 1 year.

However, as we all know, the marriage is over long before the divorce is final. The cheating may have come as a surprise to you, but everything else I am sure was not. The being single takes some getting used to. In time you will find contentment and happiness. You and your son will be closer. While he will have some tough times, kids can also be a lot stronger than we give them credit for. So many times parents will stay together for the sake of their children when, in reality, their children would be happier if their parents were divorced, especially if there are constant fights and arguments.

Funny, I remember when I became single (2 kids) I kept thinking and worrying, how am I going to do this? What am I going to do? How are we going to make it? This kept me awake many nights. I was scared to death. After about a year, one night when I could not sleep, when it was time for my worrying, I suddenly realized, I AM DOING IT!! We are making it. We are happy. Life is great!

The best of luck to you and your son. Stay close. Be strong. Don't let the fear get to you like I did.

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