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Fairness between siblings

Posted: Apr 1, 2010

Looking for some opinions on the matter below. Have a pre-teen and a toddler. In-law grandparents do not keep gifts (or their time/love) even between the children. I know you can't keep everything even-steven all the way between kids, especially not with a preteen who is difficult to buy for and a toddler who doesn't know any different. With this being said, it is very aggravating to me that time and time again my younger child is not treated equal to the older....deliberately...such as a card is signed "grandparents" instead of the child's name for them but the older child's card is...or they both receive a monetary gift...not being given the amount of their age or any significance but just a random amount of cash...yet the older child gets double? They pick up the older child to spend time but don't even say hello to the younger child. Anyone dealt with this before or have any suggestions? Husband being a man I don't even think he sees the differences but i have had about enough and want to tell them to not bother doing anything for either child...but don't feel that one (let alone both) should miss out on the importance of grandparents and family. At the same time, I want my children to be around better people than that.

;

Have you talked to them, and told them how you feel? - deb

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm not sure I believe that they're not aware of how they're acting, but maybe if you let them know that you notice (and maybe that the older child has noticed that they younger one is being "gypped" perhaps they will think about their actions. How did they treat the older child when he/she was a toddler?

re: - JSS

[ In Reply To ..]
Oh, I'm sure. Its a long story but I think they think they are punishing me somehow. I thought we had put some "issues" (really misunderstandings) to rest but they still refuse to talk to me...which is fine although I still talk to them and kindly. I was hoping with time it would blow over...now it has just become abundantly clear and I don't like the example it sets for the kids. I really think my husband is oblivious to it or just doesn't care and wants to keep the peace even if there's an underlying unrest.

I think I should also add... - JSS

[ In Reply To ..]
I am wondering if I should go talk to them and voice my concerns. I'm sure they will deny that it is deliberate, that's what they do...and at that point is it fair to the oldest child to ask them to do nothing if they can't do it fairly...or is it teaching the children a bigger lesson of life? OR...if my husband doesn't notice should I leave it be since it is his family?

they have done this in one instance to my brother-in-law's children as well. Buying 2 a car as an incentive to get through highschool, but giving nothing to the child who is through highschool and in college. My husband did notice this and said it is unfair and if it were him he would not allow any of the kids to have the car. The BIL took what they could get and kept shut even though they didn't agree either.

Weird family if you ask me.

This is weird. At first I was going to say - that maybe they felt sorry

[ In Reply To ..]
for the older child, thinking maybe the "baby" took all of the attention, but after reading further that doesn't sound like the case. I guess if it were me (I tend to be a peace-keeper), I would probably let it ride unless/until it became apparent to the younger child, or they possibly corrected their behavior. Then...that would be it. Either they change, or they didn't see either child. It doesn't sound like they'd be missing much (the kids, that is).

Is there a particular reason why the grandparents favor the older child? - question

[ In Reply To ..]
Usually it is the younger child that gets all the attention and gets pampered.

Just like the lady whose husband did not deal with - sm -

[ In Reply To ..]
their baby, these grandparents probably don't want to deal with a toddler. A toddler may or may not be potty trained, the older child can tell them what she wants clearly, in theory does not have tantrums, is more of a human being than a toddler, etc. Is the older child more manageable and the toddler a terror? Is one a boy and one a girl? If so do they favor the boy more (I know mine would but have two girls luckily). Does the toddler not look like anyone in the family and they think you stepped out on daddy? (Daft I know but some people think that way). I don't understand the card business you refer to, give the younger one a blank card? As for the money, the only thing I can figure there is the younger child has no concept of money and does not need as much, but the fair thing to do would be to give the same amount though. My younger daughter is more favored by my in-law family though not enough so the older has picked up on it as yet, but it is mainly because my younger daughter is more pleasant to be around. Luckily they make the effort to keep things equal between them though it is not perfect, they may talk on the phone more with the younger one is all really, and send her stuff in the mail (just notes a couple times a year) and none to my older daughter (she doesn't like that one bit). No issues with my family really as we only get together maybe once a year and we do not exchange gifts , etc. As for your husband, he is just playing possum as he doesn't want to deal with it. He should talk with them and explain that they need to do things with both children or not at all. They may take offense and say fine, we are done, but at least your younger child would be spared the hurt of seeing how their older sibling gets all the attention from Grandma and Grandpa and she/he gets none.

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