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Bringing this to the top

Posted: Oct 4, 2010

I just gave a very long (sorry) update on the 15 and 16-year-old teens below, then went upstairs to get a bite. While there, knowing my son was working on a class on-line downstairs and seeing his notebook out in the open, I took the opportunity to see if there were any new notes discussing Friday night. Well, there was and, unless they know I am snooping and are trying to drive me completely insane, they did go through with it in the short time they were in his room with the door shut. She said she did not think that he came (because of the interruption of my husband knocking and opening the door mentioned in the update below), but at least she is aware that that does not mean she cannot get pg. I guess she already has the bcp, because she said that she hopes that taking five of them will ensure she is not pg, and advised him that he needed to go ahead and get those other things (condoms), meaning that they did not use one. I am beside myself right now . . . I thought we had really had a great conversation, and he was much more talkative with me sat. and sun. than he has been in a long time. Really was feeling good about things.

To make matters worse, she had mentioned what a nice they were having by the river before their school friends showed up unexpectedly, but that she really did not mind because they brought some "really good green," which tells me that he has not stopped smoking pot and that she does it too (unless someone else can offer an explanation of what she might have meant). I could just cry . . . not because they did it, but because he is still lying to me, still smoking pot, and they did not protect themselves. I also now feel an even more urgent need to talk to her mom, but it will be an even harder conversation to have and I still feel like she may not believe it without the evidence, which goes back to the conundrum about where that will leave me in my relationship with my son. Thinking maybe we should buy a drug test kit to see if he is on drugs. Boo hoo. I really don't know what to do now . . . or what else to say.

;

Here\'s what I would do... - NKC

[ In Reply To ..]
First, let me say I am big fan of snooping. I do it all the time and when you have teenagers it is a necessary evil. When my son was 15, through my snooping on my son\'s myspace acct, I saw this comment \"I\'m so stoned right now.\" It was a few days old when I saw it, but I immediately got up and went to his room where I searched his room. In dresser, I found a pack of cigarettes with two joints in it.

I confronted him and told him I found \"this\" in your dresser. I could careless if he trusted me or not. He was lying to me and I made sure he understood that trust is a two way street. A few weeks later, I took him for a drug test. There\'s a place close to where I live that does them for $10. Best 10 bucks I ever spent. He was clean and I commended him for it.

So I would very definitely talk to your son about the \"good green\" he may or may not have smoked. Plus, I would ground him, put a crimp in his social life.

I would also hand him a box of condoms and I would say \"I don\'t want you to do it, I most definitely don\'t want you to do it in MY HOUSE, but if you do do it, at least be smart.\"

Good Luck!

Thanks - (sm)

[ In Reply To ..]
I spoke with my husband about it when he got home, and he does not think we should say anything because it would reveal the snooping. My son already knows about the MySpace and FB, as when I caught the pedophile and we went to meet with the detective, he asked me in front of my son how I was monitoring. I mean, he knew that I was monitoring, but did not know that I was logging into his MySpace and following the conversations real-time until the detective asked and I explained that it was much easier to follow, and that with the software I was not able to get both sides of the conversations and that screen shots were also not helpful in following things. I do wonder if he knows I read these, but I had only read one note prior to last Friday, which was on the Wednesday before. On Thursday, when he was on the computer (my husband's, which is in my office), I looked for a new note, but did not want him to catch me so just took a quick peek, and at that time I saw that he had taken out the four or five days' worth of notes that had been in there the day before, and that is why on Friday, while he was at school (carrying the notebook where he keeps the most current notes), I went looking to see if I could find out to where he was shifting the notes and found the other notebook. So, I guess I did not think that he would know, but maybe because of how much we've been talking to him about sex and their relationship lately he just figured that I have. What I would like to do is discuss with her mother, but not have her reveal that I told her anything or have been snooping, but since I have not met her I have no way to even guess how she would handle it. Also, while I think she should know if her daughter is smoking pot, my son would, I'm sure, be extremely angry if I got her into trouble about that, and if it is something that she wrote because they know I am snooping then I would be the one with egg on my face, so to speak. My son knows how I feel on the matter, which is that it should be legalized, taxed, regulated, and NOT available to minors (I believe legalizing, taxing, and regulating would help to reduce the availability to minors), but when I found out he was doing it previously he was grounded.

My husband also thinks that they did not have time to have had sex between the time they closed the door and the time he went back and opened it (which he said was "like 5 minutes"), but I have no idea because I was downstairs working when they first got here and by the time I got upstairs they had already left to go next door. So, if he is not going to be on my side, that's another thing holding me back. I just don't know, but it is causing a lot of anxiety for me.

One other thing is that, as I mentioned in my initial post, my son was always the model son up until a couple of years ago, and his grades have not been what they should be the last couple of years, but this year he is doing great (comparatively, anyway). While the grades do change frequently, when he got his six-week report he had four As, one C (79), and one D (74), with the D having been an F at 68 just two days prior, so definitely working to bring it up. I think his relationship with this girl is, at least in part, what has him focusing more on grades and talking more about college, even if at the end of the day it is more about not wanting to be grounded for poor grades at the end of the semester, and I would hate to do something that would cause him to let his grades slip again. I just don't know what I am going to do yet, but I very much appreciate your input and agree with your reasoning.

did you every wonder if - annie

[ In Reply To ..]
the note was planted on purpose, and she was so graphic in her description of what took place on purpose? That she mentioned the weed on purpose? Maybe she is trying to get you agitated. She may think that if he is angry with you, he will be more devoted to her.

Yes - (sm)

[ In Reply To ..]
Sorry if I was not clear, but that is what I was talking about when I said "unless they are trying to drive me completely insane . . ." and in the post above yours where I thought I could wind up with "egg on my face." I had not thought of it in the way that you mention, as a means to get me to confront my son, get him angry with me, and have him be more devoted to her (I think he is already pretty devoted to her, and she knows it -- I have said to my husband and mom that nothing happens with them that she does not orchestrate), but thought of it more so as an 'You wanna snoop? Here you go! Is that what you were looking for?' kind of thing, and even possibly to get me to confront him and, thus, prove what they 'suspect' (if they do) -- that I am reading their private notes. Obviously, there is no way for me to know without confronting him and giving myself away, although I did think about telling him that someone in the neighborhood came to me and let me know that they had seen the group of kids by the river and it looked like they were smoking . . . that is something that I just thought about today, but if they weren't then it would still likely give me away on the snooping.

Thanks for more food for thought :)

I feel for you. Parenting a teenage boy is tough. - NKC

[ In Reply To ..]
You never know something's bothering them until they bring home their grade cards. I have a little girl who is a tween and I am assuming that at least teenage girls cry and become hysterical when something is upsetting them, but we'll see.

I've always said parenting is the best and worst job I've ever had.

Thanks NKC - I hear ya (sm)

[ In Reply To ..]
I luvs my boys, but it has been a helluva ride . . . and miles to go before I sleep. I always thought that I was glad I had boys, although have thought at times that having a girl would be kinda nice, just thought that would be harder. Surprised me, too, to see the notes where this one was pushing for sex. Like my sis said, as the old saying goes, Why do gay men sleep together on the first date?

Because there's nobody to say NO!

Looks like that goes for teens too these days. LOL!

maybe this was already mentioned but ... - just asking

[ In Reply To ..]
Why is he allowed to have a girl in his room? I haven't read all the posts, just the original and now this one, so I may have missed it when this was addressed. I have 3 boys, not yet of dating age, but they will be allowed to have girls in their room when they do start dating. They can study at the kitchen table and watch TV in the living room.

As for the snooping, he's a kid. I'd confront him on what you know. When he asks how you know, you don't have to answer. That's your right as a parent. Obviously, he's not telling you everything, right?

Good question - (sm)

[ In Reply To ..]
but one that would have to be asked of my husband. I said before she came over the first time that they should not be allowed to hang out in his room, husband said he thought it was okay as long as door was left open, which, of course, that rule was violated. I had thought that they were not allowed to do that at her house, but my son told me that they were . . . until I talk to the mother I won't know for sure, but this has all come about so quickly it seems, and now not sure how to approach her with everything (or anything). While my husband trumped me on allowing them to hang out in son's room, I prevailed in not allowing her to ride the bus home with him because I could not be upstairs and working at the same time, and can't supervise them while I am working.

I don't like snooping, but my son is obviously not making the best choices and I do feel it is necessary, but I likely would not have known about any/all of the things I do had I not done so. You're right that I do not have to answer, but I have been trying to foster a trusting and open relationship with him, but he obviosly still feels the need to lie/hide things that he knows I would not like.

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