Need prayers for son and I

I posted but it never came on. I am asking for prayer for myself and my son. 

Lots of background of lies, abuse both physically and emotionally along with brainwashing. 

Am watching my son gradually become his father. He is so arrogant and brags on himself all the time.

We just reunited after an 8 year estrangement. 

I asked him if he could come one weekend to help me with tech stuff that was absolutely going wrong and causing me a lot of stress.  He didn't come and really shocked me with his response to my needing help. He said he had plans but not for the three days off that he had.

I have not heard from him for a while now and have e-mailed him a lot of times.  Our relationship is based on not talking about anything in the past, which for me and my depression continue to be unresolved issues. 

This last rejection by him has now convinced me that he will never be reliable or trustworthy. I am going to have cousins (because I have so few relatives now) be on my POA, will, etc. 

I cannot understand why he worships his father after all he has done to both of us, using him especially to get even with me by his father.

I am now having anxiety attacks and had never had them before. They are like people describe them, you heart races and you feel smothered.  I went through a lot of counseling with a Christian counselor and nothing really ever got resolved.  I am not eager to go to a mental health facility nor counseling, but I feel I need it because of these anxiety attacks. I have medication that helps, but it never takes it completely away.  I am not sure what it is that I am afraid of or why they seem to happen out of the blue. 

I was on an antidepressant which I didn't like. I had been on it a while and it was not helping my depression. So I asked my doctor and he said, maybe if we upped it that it would help.  It did just the opposite. It made my depression worse. Now I am on a different antidepressant and in some ways feel better, but these anxiety attacks will not go away.

The prescription says to take up to twice a day. I try to avoid doing that as I don't want to become addicted to them. However, I find some days I need two and some I can get by with one.

I have tried to keep busy and I still work as an MT from home part-time to supplement my SS.  Then I try to busy myself with genealogy, which has always helped me before. However, there are days, I just do not see much point in doing anything, working or doing genealogy. There is virtually nothing on TV and it makes me sleepy to read and I think I need my glasses changed.  This medication does make your eyes blurry. I think I can work around that by using eye drops perhaps.

Anyway, I am literally at my wit's end to know what to do about my son. I mean our birthdays are both in August and his wife is having a 40th BD party for him. I would go if his stepmother was not going to be there. I don't see why she can't stay home that day. She didn't give birth to my son, I DID. Anyway, I was never invited to my son's weddings, either one of them and this stepmother has literally taken over and she had no right to do that.

I cannot be sure of my son's love anymore. Seems like I have to be a certain way before he will accept me. He has road rage and I am quite sure that is from things that he needs to go to counseling for himself, but he will not do it. I am afraid he will cause an accident where someone will be killed or perhaps hurt very badly including his own family.

Anyway, I simply am so upset I cannot function many days. I want to cry, but I just won't let myself do it, because once I start crying, I cannot stop.

Would appreciate prayers from you all so I can hopefully find out what these attacks are that I have never had before as well as finally talking to my son about things we both need resolution to. You can go into a hospital setting and they teach you ways to confront issues, but they do not work because you see the people you need to resolve issues with won't.  They don't play by the same set of rules they teach you in the hospital setting. 

I am hoping I do not have to go into a hospital again. I simply would feel so trapped and like I was in prison.