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Racial profiling

Posted: May 5, 2011

My young adult son whose dad is from a Moslem Middle Eastern country has recently been the target of 4 episodes of racial profilng in the past 2 weeks. The last time this past Saturday was particularly brutal. When he told me about it it was extremely painful for him to say and for me to hear, so much so I was unable to differentiate between my own pain and his. He is typically an easy-going laid back guy, but ever since this happened he has been either enraged (more than I have ever seen before), hostile or depressed. When talking about living in the US in the present political climate he said if it weren't for me and his dad, he would move overseas to live. He tells me that there is nothing here for him anymore and that he wants out.

I am having a really hard time trying to figure out how to help him through this. Spiritually, he follows the teachings of Jesus and incorporates Zen Buddhist philosophy into his life. I will be spending the day with him this Sunday and the plan is for pizza and a movie at his place. Can anyone suggest a movie that may help address this subject in an inspirational way to help him get beyond this emotional storm he is having? Any books? Any suggestions on how to handle these bigots that seem to be popping up right and left would be much appreciated.

;

I am so sorry that is happening in the greatest country in the world - Sh

[ In Reply To ..]
It shouldn't be that way. I can't imagine the pain both of you are going through.

I don't have any suggestions about books or videos. I'll think about it, but I'm not sure what would help. I go to the Bible for everything and find what I need there and more. If your son follows Jesus, maybe he would find comfort reading Luke and John, to see what Jesus experienced. I wish your son peace and comfort. Thanks for letting us know so we can reach out to him. We also need to know that these things are happening so we can be more sensitive to it and stand up for those who are being treated badly, for whatever reason.

I just want to add - see message

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm not sure it will help, but here it is anyway. I love America and most Americans are kind, wonderful, caring people. There are some ugly people here too. Recently there have been a few times when politics got so mean that I actually thought to myself that I would love to move elsewhere. Then I remember that not all Americans are mean-spirited. Some of us do care about people, whether they differ from us in big or small ways. Your son is not alone in looking around and seeing ugly people here. It may be a sign of the times. It sure makes me tired though. Please give him a hug for me.

It helps me - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
to see you took the time to post such kind reassuring messages and I appreciate it very much. Besides the movie or book ideas, I think some specific help with how to handle the situation when he is in the middle of it is what bothers me the most.

I want to tell him he needs to come up with a bag of one-liners designed to shut them down, a paragraph when one-liners do not do the trick and a full-blown speech when those fail, but what those should consist of is what has me stumped. I would have no problem making a big scene regardless of my surroundings when expressing my indignation, then removing myself, but that is not his style at all. In the situation on Saturday, that was not really possible.

He was at a baby shower (!) with his best buddy whose significant other is expecting his friend's second child. He had ridden to the party with this guy, did not want to disrupt the occasion and could not escape the harrassment. He was pretty much surrounded by a large extended family of bigots and their friends. The girls grandfather, a retired Sheriff, spent about 45 minute sizing up my son from across the room, staring at him constantly, then came over and started telling him about an email he has just received from a friend who had sent a bunch of pictures of various guns and weapons that are used "to blow up sand n*****s in Afghanistan and Iraq. He said he had photos of what the aftermath looks like after the weapons had been used and described all the blood, guts and gore waiting for my son to inspect in the email. He went on and on and on for about half-an-hour. My son said the grandfather appeared to be having a grand ole time.

My son is quite dark with black hair, brown-black eyes and Middle Eastern facial features. There is no doubt in my mind that this was deliberate harrassment behind racial profiling. We live in Texas and he was in a small prison town about 40 miles north of the city where we live, a place bursting at the seams with rednecks and prison personnel. I am still reeling, just trying to wrap my head around such a thing.

I'd like to think about that and see if I can think of something - Thinking

[ In Reply To ..]
Those people who engage in jerk-like activity as I like to call them, can't be fixed. There isn't going to be anything one can say to them that will make them into decent human beings. Something in their background or upbringing may have made them the way they are. A neighbor of mine asked me about the consultant who was doing some high-level tests for me. I told him the man was an absolute genius and he was Vietnamese. My neighbor, who had never met the guy and would never have a reason to meet him said, "Don't tell him I fought in Vietnam." I just stood there with a grin on my face. I have no idea what he thought this gentle, highly-educated man was going to do if he found out my neighbor had fought in Vietnam. I know my neighbor also just has a problem saying things he doesn't really mean. I call it diarrhea of the mouth. He would never hurt anyone and would be the first to help if the people he spouts off about needed it, but he needs to get control of his mouth. He won't though. He's too old, set in his ways, and doesn't even hear himself. It's just habit with him.

I'm not very clever, but my son is. I'll ask if he has anything to suggest. A picture of him with all his friends would look like a reunion of the United Nations. I'm sure some of them have experienced rudeness. I'll be back if he has anything to offer.

Racial Profiling - School of Life 101

[ In Reply To ..]
Being fat, black and female, I sympathize with your son. I don't know if it's my large size (that possibly looks padded with stolen items) or my black face that brings me tremendous negative attention. I have learned, when met with bigotry that it is the bigot's problem not mine. It hurts to be ostracized, but a lot of people are and as long as this world is as hateful as it is, we have to learn to cope with it. As for his wanting to live overseas, in the 1920s black people learned that they were more accepted overseas and some moved there. My grandmother studied at Talladega College (one of the very few black colleges in the early 1900s) and was fluent in reading and writing in French. She mastered Latin as well. She planned to leave this country and go to France for a rest from all the racism. However, she married, stayed in America, was one of the most brilliant and well-educated people anyone could ever meet, but spent her entire work life waiting tables, doing factory work and cleaning homes for the well-to-do. She never complained about it and was glad she was able to help pay bills. I thought about leaving too, but America truly is the greatest country on earth. It just is. Plus the way this world is now, there is hate everywhere and in every country. Peaceful people just have to learn to protect themselves, try to avoid the kooks and share their lives and experiences with family and true friends. I hope he feels better. He is not alone. Tell him that Jesus was always the object of scrutiny and bigotry and He told us not to marvel when men persecuted and hated us for His sake.

Well said! - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I was thinking about this and the fact that evil is everywhere. There are hateful people in all countries. Going to another country isn't going to solve the problem. We're not going to have peace on earth until Jesus returns.

Your message, while painful to read, is beautiful. I'm glad you posted it. We all need to be reminded of these things and we could all practice a little more kindness.

Thank you - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
for sharing these inspiring memories of your grandmother. I have read about Talladega College and can remember my own grandmother telling me stories about that place. She knew someone who attended and talked about how hard it was to get my grandfather to let her drive to Alabama alone (gasp) one summer to pick her up and bring her home for a visit, as I recall sometime back in the mid 30s. Your story reminds me of Josephine Baker and Nina Simone. My son is a musician and sound recording engineer. Maybe I can find a biography of one of these women to pass to him on Sunday. Bible passages you refer to are a great idea. I think he could use some reminding about that.

I am so upset about this I am forgetting all about what I already know and it is really helpful to be reminded. Still, I am trying to come up with some suggestions about how he can better handle those situations when he finds ihmself caught up in the middle of them. They are bound to arise in his future no matter where he lives.

I did advise him about avoidance, but he reacts to these things to the extreme and ends up isolating at home for weeks on end even though all his life up to this point he has always been a very social person. The family situation is somewhat dysfunctional and I am afraid I'm all he's got in that regard, with the rest of the more sane family members being scattered to the 4 winds in other towns.

Thanks again for your lovely post.

This situation cannot truly be called racial profiling. sm - oldtimer

[ In Reply To ..]
It is bigotry and intimidation pure and simple. It was probably a very scary situation for him to be in! Did his friend or anyone else stick up for him? I am so sorry he is going through this. These people will never change and need to be avoided!

The thing is - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
despite his best efforts to avoid them, they seem to crawl out of the woodwork when least expected. A BABY SHOWER? Come ON! That is why my focus is on how to better handle these scenes when he is in the middle of them. I have experienced a much milder degree of this type of social behavior just because of my associations with Moslems, my remarried name (even more obviously Middle Eastern/Moslem than the first one), etc, but never on this magnitude, except possibly on this board! Never face-to-face.

I thought the profiling applied to the part where he sat across the room staring at my son for 45 minutes before he accosted him, but your are right. In the strictest sense it is not that. Even though his friend knows about the problem my son has been having with this, it probably never occurred to him that his GFs family elder would do such a thing, so he stayed pretty much focused on garnering family approval and participating in the gift giving. It was a BBQ setting and this occurred outside of earshot from where the friend was. My son said he was literally cornered and felt trapped. I do not know what the friend's reaction was afterwards when he found out what happened.

Whatever the case, I just cannot believe I am coming up with such a blank slate when trying to think about this. Whenever I get up on this forum, I always have plenty, plenty, plenty to say (to a fault) and I also know exactly how I would handle it, with no shame in my game whatsoever, but my son is a different story. I just cannot sit idly by and watch this happen, especially since he confided this in me and was obvoiusly desperate for help. I know there are no majic bullets, no easy answers and that learning how to cope with this could take a lifetime. A starting point would really help.

Thank you for your supportive comments. Much appreciated.

Not to excuse that person's behavior - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
but I think people are just scared in general. I don't think many of us had problems with Middle-Eastern looking people until 9/11....at least I know I didn't. I'm sad to admit that when I go into a Walmart and see someone who I think looks like someone from the Middle-East....I do get nervous but that is merely because I know the Islamic extremists who hate us have no trouble walking into a busy grocery store like that and blowing themselves and the building up just to kill some "infidels." You just don't know which ones are extremists and which ones aren't. I always smile and be as friendly as I can, but I can't help but be nervous in the back of my mind...ya know?

I never would have given one of them a second look before 9/11 and now...I can't help how I feel. I would never just accost someone who looked Middle-Eastern though especially if that person were invited to a party by other friends or family members of mine.

Fear makes even the brightest people do the dumbest things. Before 9/11 I never looked at anyone differently no matter what color they were or where I thought they were from. However, 9/11 really shook me up and I admit....I notice them now and I can't help but get a little scared.

That fear is what causes extremisem. - Ralf The Dog

[ In Reply To ..]
That fear is what causes extremism. Extremism causes the fear. End one, you end the other.

I think that holds true - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
as it applies to any person who harbors and defends preconcieved uninformed notions and generalized stereotypes, be it political or religious fanatic. They suffer from the same affliction. While I do not think the OPs fear is justified, it is not that hard to understand.

I appreciate your candor - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I can understand those feelings the way you describe though I do not share them. I am sorry you have acquired that unease and hope you can find a way to overcome it. Maybe you could try becoming more personally acquainted with them or read something about their history, viewpoints and perspectives. Might help with that.

Once I broke through that barrier years ago (not knowing anything about them) I found we had many more things in common than we had differences. I have met a few bad ones along the way but avoid the extremists like the plaque, much the same way more moderate Moslems shun them. By far my relationships with them have enriched my life and though I do not agree entirely with everything they say or think, I find if I listen with an open mind, I can undestand where they are coming from.

Not me. I always look at them and wish I could get to know them better - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I like people. When I see someone who is different from me in some way, I just wonder how they are feeling and wish I knew more about them. Now if they are threatening me in some way, looking angry or vicious, I don't care who they are, I would avoid them.

I asked my son - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
He usually knows just what to do or say in situations like that. In this case, he said all your son can do is try to avoid those situations or move to another state, which I think is extreme. His best bet is to keep a sense of humor, develop a thick skin, ignore, and all those other things that sound so easy to do and are not.

hi - mememe

[ In Reply To ..]
I am sorry your son is having trouble. I think the best thing for him to do is develop a strategy to change American perceptions of Middle Eastern people. In this politically charge climate, the most profiled, hated, targeted people are white successful women (Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Hilary Clinton) for no reason other than they had the audacity to run for a high office. This world is just hateful.

I would recommend he get involved and be determined to shine and make a difference. Let him know, although it seems he has already found out, that ignorance does not have a color or age and it is no respecter of persons.

In all honesty, I do understand that Middle Eastern people and those of us that just look like it, are looked at closer and more apprehensively. When most of what you hear about Arabic people is of them strapping on bombs and killing people and then, to make things worse, the 'moderates' don't condemn these acts....well, it makes it harder on those who do not share those beliefs.

He would make great strides by denouncing the atrocities performed at the hands of islam against women and against those who are not moslem and then just be himself. Some of the sweetest people I know are Middle Eastern.

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