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anyone ever been rejected
Posted: Nov 5, 2013
I figured nearing the holidays, we all have grievances to bear. Anyone feel rejected by blood family? Anyone have unresolved issues? Anyone been abused, used, ignored or just disregarded? The post about the gal getting in touch with her father prompted me to post this and see if anyone would like to share, just to vent it all out. It seems like holidays can be hard, no families are perfect, and sometimes the kindness of strangers can get people through! I have been rejected, but I do have others in my life to fall back on (my in-laws). It's not the same as having the blood you grew up embrace you and love you unconditionally, though. I have that Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving photo on my desktop. I have always idealized family because I never really had one. Full of alcoholics, evils, gossipers, perverts, greedy money grubbers, passive aggressors, backstabbers, you name it, is what makes up some families nowadays. ;
I have absolutely no desire to post about that on this board - after the recent nastiness here
[ In Reply To ..]Everybody has some sort of story to tell; are you some sort of voyeur trying to stir up trouble so others can belittle the responders to this? Find something more constructive to spend your time on or ruminate in private.
nevermind. I forgot how ugly strangers are too. - lol
[ In Reply To ..]no message
You sound like you need a big - HUG! :)
[ In Reply To ..].
How about - you
[ In Reply To ..]find something more constructive to spend YOUR time on and keep your unconstructive comments to yourself! You didn't have to respond to this at all if it is such a waste of time!
Bitter people always have to find a way to make everyone feel bad.
Hmmm - I know
[ In Reply To ..]Sore subject for ya, huh?
My family haven't rejected me, but - they're weird!
[ In Reply To ..]And holidays *are* hard. Thankfully, my family are all good people--I just have a hard time being patient with them.
Adopted, then... - Exiled
[ In Reply To ..]My biological mother screwed around on her husband, got knocked up with me, and gave me away so hubby wouldn't divorce her and take her "real" kids away from her. Who knows if her loverboy ever knew about me. The papers say Father Unknown.
Then 17 years later, when I made the choice to not continue to practice the religion I was raised in, my adoptive parents shunned me (as did all but one of the friends I grew up with in that church and thought were actually my friends but really they were only my friends as long as I was one of "them").
My real mother's love was not strong enough to fight for me - or maybe it never existed, don't know and don't care - my fake parents' love was conditional, and when I didn't meet those conditions I was all but legally disowned (estranged until their deaths).
When I want to feel loved and included and part of a "family," I bum myself up, literally, and go hang out with the homeless peeps. Not kidding. It works. For me anyway.
I'm sorry for your past - Mine was not much better
[ In Reply To ..]but I really do not care to discuss it on an open forum where some people perhaps may be nasty enough to say it was my fault and probably deserved it. I do not want to open myself up to that. I am still dealing with the ghosts of the past, and believe me when I say I truly feel your pain. Blessings to you. We deserve better and there will come a time when we receive unconditional love!!
families - mine too
[ In Reply To ..]I am the youngest of 9 kids, and when I was 17 years old and told my father that my brother-in-law had been molesting me for years, he threw me out of the house and I was disowned. I have always grown up thinking I had 4-5 mothers instead of just one because my sisters always had to have an opinion about what I did. They always called me spoiled because I got more than they got when they were growing up.
When I got married, they all had an opinion about that too, so I decided I was never going to get their approval on anything and we all went our separate ways. I have four children and 7 grandkids they don't know and only saw my kids and a couple of grandkids at funerals. I even decided to stop going to "family funerals" as they are not family. We are related by blood only.
Family is what you make of it. I have made my own family and I have a few close friends that I consider my family. It has been almost 40 years since I have spent any time with any of my biological family and now I hardly even think of them.
I tried to have a relationship with one of my sisters maybe 10 years ago and when I got married for the 2nd time I asked her to stand for me. I asked her in January and we were getting married in May. Her comment to me was maybe you should ask one of your girls to stand for you because what if I am sick that weekend. I was astounded that anyone would come up with such a lame excuse as that. I tried to include her in everything with regards to my wedding and she stopped answering the phone. So I made the choice not to have her in my life anymore and have not spoken to her in 7 years.
Thats my story.
Good for you! - We can move on from bad
[ In Reply To ..]I have a very big, bad story and chose to cut off all contact with my parents. I have, however, maintained a relationship with my siblings, none of whom would hurt a fly.
You are so brave and smart and healthy. I personally do not think it's healthy to "keep going back for more," "forgiving" the evil-doers, etc.
We have chances in life be/live emotionally healthy---kind of like a choice to stay physically healthy---and we should focus on that. It is infinitely harder to stay away from toxic family members than it is to stay away from toxic food.
Anyway, I love your story. You have moved on. You didn't fall into that mindset of "stay with family" for the sake of staying with family.
NOBODY is stuck with their given family once they're an adult. NOBODY is stuck with anybody.
Yep.... - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I was born in Africa to a teenage prostitute impregnated by my GI father. He saw me once until I was 6 and then for some reason he brought me and mother to the US. She promptly left me on my alcoholic father's parent's doorstep and I never saw her again until I was 18 years old. They all told me she was dead. Then she visited me one time and I never have heard from her since. In the meantime, my father married 5 times to a brunch of crazy, drunk, abusive women and I went back and forth to my grandparent's house. Finally I had enough and when I was 16 I moved out on my own. Unfortunately, my grandparents both died young, so I was really on my own. The thing about my father was he did not want to love me, but he did not want anyone else to love me either, which really is the thing that hurt me in the long run. Long story short, I married a wonderful man who has made up for every hurt I ever had and I have 3 great children and I have lived happily ever after. I have nothing but gratitude for the life I live. By the way, referring to the post about the absent father, I have not seen my father in 14 years. He has seen 2 of my children once and probably is not even aware of the third. There is not enough money (not to say that was the other poster's intent and I really did not think it was) to allow him back into my life.
Family Fantasies - see msg pls
[ In Reply To ..]Why would you WANT alcoholics, evils, gossipers, etc., to embrace you?
Being "blood" does not mean they have what it takes to make a family.
Please stop fantasizing. Surround yourself with the type of people you want to be around--in real life. That's what I did. It is enriching and comforting. And the oh so mentally healthy thing to do.
I cannot agree with all this "blood" stuff. I do not agree that just because someone is "blood," then we should bring ourselves down. Nor do I believe we should assume they're going to change. If they do, then so be it--start up the new relationship and see what happens, BUT with eyes open.
We are all looking for - unconditional love
[ In Reply To ..]from our "blood" families, but whether we get that or not, we should unconditionally love "them," just simply because they are our blood family. That does not mean that we have to associate with them, if their lifestyles are not compatible with ours, but we should not stop loving them because we do not agree with what they have done or become in life. The love that we want from them is the same love we should return in kind, and not be so judgmental. We don't know what their journey has been like, but they must have a soul that has been tortured as much as ours have been.
Forgiveness - I wish
[ In Reply To ..]I was in a terrible situation and asked my brother to help me. He said he was happy to help, but when it came right down to it, he didn't. Then he stopped calling me or taking my calls. That on top of everything else was the worst part. I felt as if I had/was nothing. I was so lucky that I had friends who helped me, and then other family members found out what was going on (I was too ashamed to tell them) and stepped in to help which was completely amazing. Things are good now and I thank God for the experience of the kindness of strangers and people you don't expect to help doing just that (don't want to go through it again, though--once was enough, God!), and I know that my brother would have helped me if he could. He has problems relating to people (never been married, no friends, limited interaction with family), and that's just how it is. We see each other at family activities periodically, but our relationship isn't the same. I think he feels bad about what happened, but our family is not big on sharing feelings and was sort of run by guilt and fear, so we have never talked about it. I wish I could think of a way to say I forgive him, but then I think maybe he'd be annoyed that I thought he did anything wrong.
I like your post. - It's honest. sm
[ In Reply To ..]You ask why would you want to be embraced by evil people and the like.
It's hard to explain, but my husband watches me and my family and here's his analogy. Have you ever seen a loyal dog? It keeps running back to it's master?
It's like that with some families and certain types of people. They dangle out the treat to get the dog to come to them, and then kick the dog when the dog trusts enough to come close. The dog never learns because of it's nature and it keeps coming back.
I used to go to those children of alcoholics meetings. One gal explained it as showing up at a family members house with an empty basket, and expecting it to be filled with apples, strawberries, cakes, and other goodies, but instead they just weight it down with excrement. No matter how many times, she still showed up with her empty basket with certain expectations.
It's a sort of hope for the best from those we want it from the most.
I have to say, that is the way it is in most families. You want to be embraced by them because of the bloodline and this weird connection you have because at least it's "something."
I do like your honesty, it is very reasonable.
Thank you - see msg
[ In Reply To ..]We all need something. Sad part is, we forget that a lot of people have limitations--and we keep gravitating to them to fill up the void, instead of choosing to fill ourselves up with the good guys.
I have a little trouble with the mindset of "forgiving" people who do evil when they haven't asked for any forgiveness. Well, lots of us have had tortured lives, and we don't walk around being mean.
I DO believe in accepting that people are who they are--we cannot change them! But it doesn't mean we have to break bread with them. If the evil/mean person was a stranger, would you keep going back to him or her looking for "something?"
People do this, not just with their immediate family, but they choose spouses who are horrible---just like the family they grew up with, and keep trying, trying to change him or her, mold him or her, into what they needed growing up. Then get very, very angry when the mean spouse doesn't change.
Embrace the GOOD only in your life. If you choose to hang out with the "bad guys," at least go in knowing you are not going to change them. If you want to break bread with them, do as you wish, but keep yourself protected. Laugh them off if you can, and remember---whatever horribleness is in them, had nothing to do with you. It's THEM, the path they chose to lead.
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