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WWYD
Posted: Jul 7, 2010
I've been married for 25 years, second marriage for me and my husband. We had a long talk before we got married that we would never tolerate cheating as both of our previous marriages ended as a result of same.
fast forward to this past weekend... a "friend" of his from years and years ago (first wife era) came to town, looked him up and dear hubby invited him to stay with us. "Friend" is an A-hole as far as I am concerned, kind of lost in the 70s, wants to rel-live his long lost glory days kind of idiot... Anywho, at dinner over a couple of bottles of wine, hubby gets a work call and has to go into the office to use the computer and take care of business for a while. "friend" takes advantage of this opportunity to ask me if hubby ever talks to his ex??? Asks if I ever met her and gushes on and on about her. Then he "wants to tell me a secret" and tells me that he knew that she was cheating on him, but she asked him to keep it a secret and he did. (??)
Hubby walks back in and I excuse myself and for the rest of the weekend avoid "friend" like the plague, telling my husband I think his friend is a jerk. Friend leaves (finally) and I tell hubby what his friend said about his ex and the secret. He was floored and hurt that his "friend" would do that, but since it was so long ago and he and I have never had problems, I think he is moping around for nothing! He's moody and I'm sure that what his friend said is at the heart of it.
How would you handle this? I mean sure, it would be awful to find out that a "friend" knew about my ex's infidelity and chose not to tell me, but that relationship is long since over and I don't believe that other than confronting the "friend" that it would be an issue. I feel like a huge can of worms was open...
;
Why on earth would you tell him? - s/m
[ In Reply To ..]Were you jealous of your husband's relationship with this old friend that you felt the need to sabotage it? It just seems like an insecure and kinda mean thing to do for no reason...this wasn't done to protect hubby from making the same mistake again.
re: s/m - mt
[ In Reply To ..]Why in the world would she be jealous??? If her husband wanted to know why she was mad at his guest, why would'nt she tell him exactly what that jerk did?? Insecurity has nothing to do with it. I'd tell my husband in a heart beat, but I'd have brought it up at the table with the friend and ask him why he felt compelled to cleanse his consciousness after all these years, and at HER DINNER TABLE!
why on earth - vs
[ In Reply To ..]I would have told my husband too. I don't get jealousy from that post in any way, shape or form. She did it because the dude was out of line and obviously not a true friend, either in the past or even now. Would you want a "friend" like that? I doubt it. It seems to me she was protecting her husband, just like a good wife should.
I'm on your side Bunni! I'd just leave hubby to resolve it on his own, it has nothing to do with you whatsoever. Just stirred up old hurt. He'll be fine.
The friend should have kept his confession to himself - LoriMT
[ In Reply To ..]and the OP should have kept everything to herself. This is all ancient history and there was absolutely no reason for anybody to be opening up old wounds!
The friend and OP should have asked themselves what benefit is for the husband to know any of this. Absolutely no benefit whatsoever. He's not married to her anymore. He doesn't see the friend often enough for it to matter anymore.
So basically the husband was hurt for no reason at all. He gets to feel like a fool all over again. A fool because his wife cheated on him and a fool because his friend new about and didn't tell him.
My best friend's husband made a pass at me 12 years ago. My marriage was on the rocks and he sensed that and took advantage. However, I turned him down and told him his wife was one my oldest and dearest friends and I would never EVER do that to her. He begged me not to tell her or my husband because we all got together socially to play cards and our boys were playmates.
I told me husband, but I never told my friend because she never would have believed me. She believed everything that came out of her husband's mouth. If I had told her, he would have said I came on to him and she would have broken off our friendship.
Now, 12 years down the road we are still best friends. She's still married to him and he and I have put that whole episode behind us. My friend was recently diagnosed with MS and he's totally devoted to her and takes care of her. I'm glad I made the decision I did. Because as it turned out, he turned over a new leaf and became a better husband.
re: bunni - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Maybe he's just feeling sad because a supposed friend from way back betrayed him, just like his ex did. He's probably just melancholy. It will pass. I would ask if he wants to talk about it, i mean since you both experienced the same kind of hurt way back when. I certainly would say something to that friend if I were him tho. What a jerk to come into your home and tell YOU instead of your HUSBAND. Maybe he was hoping something would happen with that woman back then and with you now???
jerk - sticky
[ In Reply To ..]I agree that he's probably feeling betrayed all over again. Poor guy. What a stupid idiot that man was to come into your home and say that to you. You should have told your husband as soon as he came back to the table so they would have the opportnity to discuss it like grown ups. His friend acted childish.
hubby old friend - magsnfla
[ In Reply To ..]I can tell you why the friend didn't tell your husband about the cheating first wife. Because likely he would not have believed him and would have rejected him as a friend. It's the same reason I didn't tell a family member that his wife was cheating on him - I knew his love for her or his pride would make him reject me along with the truth of the situation. People kill the messenger, you know. I don't think you should have told your husband this bit of news - I don't see what purpose it serves except maybe to make you feel better and more important by hurting the friendship between your hubs and the friend.
Victim of the same - It really hurts
[ In Reply To ..]You are correct. The messenger often gets caught in the middle, but I know from experience how it feels to not only be betrayed by your significant other, but by friends and family, whom you think you can trust. My sister worked at a hospital where I worked. My boyfriend at the time worked there also. I thought things were fine. I had many friends at work as well. One day in the hallway my sister finally broke down and told me that this jerk I was seeing was also seeing a nurse who worked second shift for seven months. The entire hospital knew, and nobody told me. I can't begin to tell you how it felt to know everyone in the hospital knew for months, while I was looking like a big fool in front of them. I think no matter how difficult, a true friend or family member should come clean. When the truth comes out, and it always does, you have way more respect for your family and friends. To this day it hurts to think they kept quiet. To me that says they sided with him. Just my 2 cents.
The only one who is the fool in this story is - sm
[ In Reply To ..]this "friend."
It was right not to tell your husband at that time when his ex-wife cheated on him.
But I cannot understand why this "friend" would tell YOU NOW that the ex-wife cheated on your husband?
One should always keep one's mouth shut after having drunk too much! Too many words slip out one regrets in the morning.
Give him time - wrkn4pnuts
[ In Reply To ..]Your husband sounds like a mature enough person. Give him some time, hopefully he will get over it soon. Obviously it would have been better for him (and you) not to have learned about the ex's infidelity, but finding out happened totally by chance - really, it's ancient history. Life is too short to waste time grieving over things that are done. To be married for 25 years, that's a long time in this day and age, certainly a blessing, I'm sure you realize that and hopefully he does too. My husband and I have been married 19 years, and when we first got together he was still carrying the torch a little bit for his ex GF after their breakup 3 years previous - they had been engaged and she broke it off. He still had his ring they were supposed to use for the ceremony, carried her picture in his wallet for awhile after we were together. I didn't especially like that, but I wouldn't have felt right if I instead had demanded he get rid of those things right away. It took him a little time, but he finally let it go. Dealing with his feelings over his past love felt like walking on eggshells, and frankly it got to be annoying, but thankfully it passed. I guess it was helpful that I'm a patient person. God bless, and good luck with your situation.
both knew since long time that they were cheated on - sm
[ In Reply To ..]her husband is mad or sad about his "friend's" inappropriate behavior telling his wife, behind his back.
Her husband did not know that this "friend" also knew about his ex-wife's cheating.
Now her husband might wonder who else knows about this, and with WHOM his ex-wife cheated on him?
OP - Bunni
[ In Reply To ..]I want to clarify, the reason I told my husband what "friend" said was that after that person left, my husband asked why I had turned from hot to cold. I skirted around, saying this and that, not exactly telling right away what he said. But hubby asked if he said something inappropriate while he was in the office, so I told him the truth.
I have/had nothing to GAIN by devulging that horrid man's secret to my husband! I know how ugly it feels to be betrayed by supposed "friends", I also had "friends" who knew that my ex was messing around. They chose not to tell me and that is as hurtful as being betrayed.
Why in the world would I want to hurt my man?? We have an awesome relationship! And to say that i'm JEALOUS? Please! I have been with this man and invested far to much in the relationship to be jealous of anything at this point. How could I be jealous of a person I never met anyway? I've never even seen a picture of her!
I wanted to be truthful to my rolly polley loverman. I was. I always will be. I will always tell him the truth. I believe you can never go wrong with the truth.
by the way, he told me he was just hurt that his "dear old friend" would keep that from him because supposedly that jerk was his "best friend" long ago. Hubby tells me he is not angry with me at all and is appreciative that I told him.
End of story. Thank you for the feedback anyway. I'm glad for the different view points. â˜Âº
You did absolutely the right thing telling - sm
[ In Reply To ..]your husband what this "friend" told you, since your husband noticed your change in behavior. Totally right telling him.
Imagine this "friend" divulges to yur husband that he told you! then your husband would really be mad that yu did not tell him about this conversation.
Why should you keep secrets with this "firend?"
I am glad you told your husband.
Some people say friends should tell their friend if they know that the partner cheats on them.
Some believe it's better to look the other way and say nothing.
I think it depends on the specific situation, to tell or not to tell.
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