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Shattered and in the depths of despair
Posted: Mar 22, 2011
HELP! Anyone see that scene from Sex in the City where Steve tells Miranda he slept with someone else? How all along we thought the Steve dude really loved Miranda and he was so good to her, stuck around, waited for her to come around?? This is my reality.
DH had been kind of mopy for a couple of weeks and 2 nights ago was unable to sleep. I went on to bed but around 3:30 he woke me up and said he needed to talk. He NEVER needs to talk so I knew in the pit of my stomach it was bad. He confessed in heaves of sobs and shakes, tears and howls. It was bad and I was floored, but as if that isn't enough, the woman is now pregnant.. AND is going to have it.
He said it was "just a couple of times", "don't know how it happened" "has nothing to do with how I feel about you" BSBSBSBS!!!!! I thought we were FINE! There was no indication that he'd even been looking. He's never late for work, calls me everyday, never strayed from our routine!!! WHEN, WHERE, WHY!!!???
I am beyond devastated. He moved out to the garage apartment and I can't even look at him. I can't work, eat, sleep, think, can't stop crying. last night I drank myself into a stupor to sleep, today I feel worse.
WE don't have kids, we didn't want kids. we dote on our nieces and nephews take them everywhere. We are in our early 50s and were planning on retiring in another 10-12 years. My world is upside down. I am embarrassed, ashamed and want to tell everyone what a POS I think they are, but at the same time want to hide under a rock. I want to make him hurt too. I want to scream at her in front of her family and friends and ruin her life like they have ruined mine.
I need a course of action and I can't think. I don't know what I want, but I know I don't want their "love child" in my life. That wouldn't be fair because I know I'd be bitter. We haven't even talked about divorce or how this would play into our lives if we decide not to. I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
I hate him so much right now, but I'm so sad. We've been married forever. 25+ years. NEVER would I have expected this. Our friends call us the ROCKs... well, this rock has been shattered into a million pieces.
;
I am very, very sorry this has happened to you. sm - Lexi
[ In Reply To ..]The first and only thing I would do at this point is to try to consult an attorney to see what you can do to protect any financial assets you may have.
Other than that, right this very minute I would advise you to do nothing until you have had time for the shock to wear off and to logically process what you know. It may not seem possible, but the last thing you need is to do anything that might make YOUR situation worse.
I don\'t know how recent any of this has been, or whether you frequently have \"relations\" with your husband, but of course a visit to your PCP or gynecologist is in order. Please don\'t worry about being embarassed or feeling judged. You will not tell them anything they have not heard before, and they are professionals; they know how to handle this type of thing.
I would reserve judgment on whether the woman is actually pregnant. If he was trying to break things off, she may have said this to try to keep him from it.
Hang in there. I never, ever check this board, and I don\'t know what made me check it today, but I will check back and see if you\'ve posted again and to see if you\'re okay, I promise.
Again, I\'m so very sorry - L
So, so sorry too - sereneone
[ In Reply To ..]and who's to say if she is pregnant that it's even his?
Agree with the above poster about the attorney and the doctor, especially the doctor if you've been with him.
You need to go into protect yourself mode. I will say though that how you described his emotional state telling you and the fact that he didn't up front state he wanted a divorce says he's either not that "into" her or else you guys have significant assets he wants to protect.
Hang in there .
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through right now, and - ndmt
[ In Reply To ..]my heart truly goes out to you. Your life obviously has changed forever, and unfortunately, you have only a couple months to make some big decisions. I agree with the other poster, you need to see a lawyer and find out what you need to do to protect your assets. You have worked your whole life for that, and if you don't have kids of your own, I suspect you have quite a bit to lose.
The next thing you need to remember is their bad behavior is no reflection on you. I know that feeling of wanting to hide away forever because you feel there is a neon sign above your head saying my husband cheated on me. Distance yourself from that drama as much as you can and take care of yourself. Take a vacation, go find a deserted beach, whatever feels right.
Remember your your friends & family are a great source to keep you busy and your mind off him, but find a good counselor to work through your feelings. Your friends & family will be less forgiving of his actions knowing how deeply he hurt you, and there will be the inevitable taking sides, awkward moments, etc. The more "normal" you try to keep the rest of your relationships the better off you will be.
I so hope this helps.
To Shattered, please read. - sm
[ In Reply To ..]If you haven't already found it, there is a website called Surviving Infidelity. The people who post there understand exactly what you're going through, and the different stages of emotions you're going to go through. It can truly be a lifesaver for trying to navigate the coming days, weeks, and months. You will get support, love, and good advice from people who know. Please give it a look. You have to register in order to post, but it only takes a few minutes.
Good luck. I know it feels like your world is falling apart, but all doesn't necessarily have to be lost. Take care of yourself.
Talk to a lawyer now to make sure - you are financially protected.
[ In Reply To ..]regardless of what happens. If it were me, I'd get a bank account in my own name and clean out any joint accounts before he could. While he's in this remoreseful mood, guilt him into putting as many of the marital assets as possible in your name. Protect yourself. Leave him and the other woman with nothing. Take care of yourself.
I'm so sorry for this but if both of you still love each other, forgive him. - Backwards Typist
[ In Reply To ..]It's hard, I know. It hurts deeply, but it sounds like he feels very guilty. Who knows how or why it happened and who cares? It's over and done with and at least HE told you and it was not sprung on you by a friend. It does sound like this other woman may have gotten pregnant on purpose to try to "catch" him.
Take the other posters good advice about the doctor and protect your assets, but DON'T let anyone talk you into divorce if you don't want it and don't make any decision while you can't think straight. It will take a long time to forgive and forget, but it will happen.
Just so you know, I went through it 30 years ago with my DH. She wasn't pregnant, but he just couldn't keep it to himself. He told me about it one night. I left to stay with my mom to sort out my feelings. I thought long and hard about my feelings, his feelings, and the kids (his and mine). I decided to stay and work it out. It was tough in the beginning but once-in-a-while we talk about the 'good ole days' and this always comes up. We laugh about that incident now. Strange, but that was a part of our past and truthfully, it brought us closer together.
I'm so sorry - please read - Anon
[ In Reply To ..]Right now, you have to keep your head even though your heart is being shredded. He's feeling guilty now, which gives you the opportunity transfer funds from any joint accounts into a personal account. make charges on joint credit cards etc. Sounds harsh, but if he decides to go with the slut, you don't want her to have anything of your's while you are left on your own with nothing.
It happened to me, I saw a lawyer immediately, and that's the advice I was given. We also didn't have or want kids, and he's now married to the woman, who had 5 kids, and then they had another.
Has he said what he wants to do? Go with her? I doubt it. If you work it out, you've learned a lesson to demand all your assets be joint.
Hang in there. It will eventually be sorted out.
So sorry for what you are going through - been there too
[ In Reply To ..]I know the feeling in the pit of your stomach, that night you went to bed and your husband came to be to say he needed to talk. Mine stayed out in the den and I finally got up and went out to ask him if he was coming to bed. I found him reading a letter from a prostitute he had met while on a job assignment in Guademala. I wanted to hid under a rock...I was so crushed thinking he wanted prostitute over me his wife, and the mother of his two sons. It took a while to work it all out but in my case he decided he no longer wanted to be married, was acting like a jerk to get his point across, so I filed for divorce. Once I made that move he didn't know if that was what he wanted. He played the I don't know what I want game for a few months and I finally said tough, it isn't your decision anymore cuz I filed so you can move out now. It was really hard and I was so down on myself and then I got mad!!!! It was the best thing I could have done. "I am woman" and "I will survive" became the two songs I lived by. It took some time but I learned that I didn't deserve what he did to me, I was a good wife, kept his house spotless, took care of his sons, did the yard work, washed the car, paid the bills, did all the grocery shopping and it was all done for the weekend so he had two days to relax. He lost much more than I did, he lost his sons along with me. Take your time, be good to yourself, do things for you and when you know what you want to do, you will know it....you won't be questioning anything. Keep your head up high and walk proud, you did nothing wrong.
You have my sympathy - AARPMom
[ In Reply To ..]I don't have anything else to add, just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am sorry for you - cc
[ In Reply To ..]I would demand a paternity test. Who knows who else this woman may have slept with. Maybe it is not your husband's child.
Shattered - So sorry
[ In Reply To ..]I am so sorry you are going through this heartache. I have read through all the posts and how right they all are. Protect yourself, give yourself time, cry, hate, get angry. This process is like losing a loved one. Because ultimately in some ways you have.
I went through something similar a few years back. Each person is different and I had an adopted son with my now EX. I remember those feelings all to well however. There was one night that I went outside it was late and I was at my parents home at that time my son was sleeping. I sat down on the bench and cried I mean cried,sobbed,asked why!!! The next day I started seeing things differently. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve this loss because that is what it is in a way.
Stay or go it is up to you but PLEASE DO NOT MAKE A CHOICE UNTIL YOU ARE SURE.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You have worth beyond how you feel now and know you have people who care and are backing you even if you don't know us all!
The kindness of strangers never ceases to amaze me, and that is what I saw reading through the responses to your post!
Good luck and best wishes for a quick end to your pain and heartache.
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