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Need some feedback here!
Posted: Jan 4, 2010
I guess I just need to vent a little and get some things off my chest. Here is the situation. My younger brother (age 49) is a mess, from as far back as I can remember. He married the first time when he was 15. He and his wife had a daughter. After a 10-year marriage, and years of fighting, drinking, arrests for domestic abuse, drunk driving, etc., she shot him in the head one night after a horrible fight. He is legally blind. Then he married a real nut case 15 years ago. This woman is just down right evil.... but she was a "hottie" as the men would say. Well, he got more then he bargained for, and now they are going through a divorce.
She is draining him dry. He was living in a crappy apartment with no stove, no kitchen sink, mice and rats running around everywhere because that is all that he could afford. By the time he gave her money (which is another long story) he was totally broke with just $13.00 to his name to try to eat on until his next paycheck.
My husband and I (more so my husband, as i know my brother too well) wanted to help him. We moved him into our home for free, so that he could afford to get car insurance, after getting a DUI (with his license reinstated), and so he could afford to pay for an attorney for the divorce. He lives here and eats here for free. We have only asked one thing from him that he not drink and drive! Last night, was the second time he came home totally blitzed! He can become mean and violent if he drinks too much. We told him if he "has" to have a drink, to call us and we would pick him up. We are not going to put up with it. My husband told him one more time, or strike 3, and your out. I feel now that we have done nothing but enabled him. When he had no money in his pocket he couldn't drink.
Here we are bending backwards for him, and he just continues to be an idiot! If he gets another DUI he will lose his license for good.
What would you have done in this situation? Would you have moved him into your home? I personally did not want to move him into my home. I told my husband, if my brother needed a ride to get groceries, or go to the bank, whatever, I would gladly do that.... but no my husband feels sorry for him and moves him in! I cannot take much more of it.
;
You said he was legally blind and he drives? - L
[ In Reply To ..]I would hide his keys.
No good brother - oldone
[ In Reply To ..]I, too, have a family member like your brother. I don't know where he is now and though that hurts, it is much less stressful. I will tell you this, he needs to get in a program and stay there. You can provide love and emotional support but he needs to be made to seek out help, i.e., food stamps, disability, etc., anything he can qualify for. I don't want to see too many people go on the take from the government but if he did not have you and your husband, he would have to have something. He needs a good 12-step program. He needs to be held 100% accountable. Now here is a worry...just been hearing on the news about the no-good guy in Florida that killed 4 family members on Thanksgiving day (story became front page news again when he was caught). Get him away from you and yours. Tell him you love him. Be there if he calls but never, never under estimate a drinker who has fallen on hard times again. Protect yourself. You can still love him but enough is enough. I'm afraid (and I don't know him but I know someone like him) he is going to squeeze and squeeze until your marriage/family/home is in jeopardy as well. Get professional help...and soon. God bless you and I will be praying for you.
Thank you OldOne - siren
[ In Reply To ..]My fear is that he will become violent. He has in the past when drinking. When he is sober, he is such docile and sane, but when drinking he becomes mouthy, vulgar, very belligerent, and violent. That is why his first wife shot him. She was afraid he was going to hurt her, as he had in the past. He does work. He has a very, very good job. He is a very intelligent man, even has patents on things he has invented. However, like I said his soon-to-be ex-wife is draining him dry financially. I am more afraid of what he will do to her, than what he could, or would do to us. He is very angry with her. There is going to be a child custody battle and such. I do not think he could ever get custody of his son due to his violent past, his legal record, and currently not having a home or financial means to support his son. This is tearing him up because he does love his son dearly. I feel bad for him, but he has lived with us now going on 2 months, and I believe I have an ulcer. I do not feel comfortable in my own home, just because I am not used to someone being here other than my husband. Please keep praying for my situation, and please pray for my brother that he wakes up.
drunk drivers sm - Sr. Wordsmith
[ In Reply To ..]A friend of mine was killed by a drunk driver - her husband. She used to call the cops herself fearing he would kill someone after drinking a case of beer and going out. He had her in the car one day and I know the person who pulled them both out, he was driving; he was "stinko" and she died. He was never charged as he had a heart attack and they called it a "broken heart." He got away with murder. Call the cops before he kills someone next time he leaves your home drunk. I miss my best friend. Tough love. Distance yourself with love as well.
First, I'm floored that he is legally blind and still drives at all, let alone drunk! - MoMT
[ In Reply To ..]One thing I've learned having been married to an alcoholic, you cannot help them. They have to want to help themselves. And as hard as it may be, you may end up having to kick your brother out. I know it sounds cliche, but they really do have to hit rock bottom before they realize they need help.
Still he's your brother. I think I would take his car keys and hide them. When he asks for them, say you don't know where they are. Chances are he misplaces things all of the time while drunk (my ex used to do that ALL of the time)and you can simply ask him where he left them and that will puzzle him for hours.
Beyond that, I don't know what to tell you, but wish you luck. It's hard living with an alcoholic, really hard.
Legally blind - siren
[ In Reply To ..]Yes, he is legally blind. His first wife shot him above the right eye, but from the impact of the explosion and glass (as she shot him through a glass screen door), the retina detached from his left eye. He has had multiple surgeries. He is totally blind in his left eye and cannot see too well out of his right. I am like you, I do not see how he even got a driver's license. He drives very slow, and practically eats the windshield, as he sits so close to the steering wheel. He drove home last night from a town 30 miles away in a snowstorm. I was so angry. I told him what if you would have hit and killed someone, namely my daughter, or my son and his family. Like I said, one more time, and he is hitting the road. I feel as if he is spitting in our faces.
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