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How to bow out of a one-way friendship sm

Posted: Jan 25, 2010

Have a so-called friend who is very needy. I have gone above and beyond all limitations each time something happens to this person or anyone in her family. However, should I have a death, illness, etc., in my family and in one case a serious diagnosis of my own, there is never a phone call, visit, card, etc., this silence could go on for months until this person has a problem of her own. Not only does she call me with her bad news but hunts me down on my cell phone. The payoff was this week when she had a family member hunt me down on my cell to tell me of her latest tragic event. I did respond with kind gestures but I think this is the last time. I'm tired of being "on call" for someone who never calls, sends a card or attempts in any way to help me through my "stuff." I am not about to have a heart-to-heart, I am just trying to gracefully pull away. I feel awful, but how does one do this without being dramatic? Hope you understand, this is a tough one. Does anyone else have a one-way relationship? She does have a good support system and I usually get a call from one of them who she appoints to call me. Must be nice, I'm pretty alone and wish I could appoint people to call others for me.

;

Helping those in need - Monley

[ In Reply To ..]
Since you are alone yourself, maybe you were hoping for someone to return the favor when you needed it. I think you should take care of you and befriend people who will be there for you too. Friendship goes both ways, it is never one sided. Don't feel guilt. You have obviously done enough.

This is good advice but take off those kid gloves - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
and be more proactive on your own behalf. Block all phone and email communication. Do no pick up when her number shows up on caller ID. If her relatives hunt you down, make it clear that you are too busy to hear them out, i.e., "Sorry, I'm in a terrible hurry. Catch up with you later."

Should you come across your ex-friend-in-name-only, don't let her catch you of guard. Be prepared to articulate your feelings and reasons you have chosen to leave her behind and move forward. You can do this by researching internet chat rooms to see how others have handled thse situations. After that, write your own speech. Pour it out on paper, be long-winded, and completely purge yourself, even if it does not make a lot of sense at first.

Go back a little later and edit everything down into the shortest and sweetest 3-or-4-word sentences and further reduce the entire length to a paragraph or two. Rehearse delivery. Should the occasion arise, look her straight in the eye and let it roll off your tongue with ease. Allow no interruptions ("I'm not done yet" or "Please let me speak.") and entertain no questions.

After you've said your piece, turn on your heels and don't look back. Head straight to the ice cream parlor and treat youself to a banana split or hot fudge sundae and celebrate you standing up for you. When you get home, don't stress over guilt or extra calories. Light some candles and incense, turn on some soothing music, take a long hot bath and get a good night's sleep.

When you wake up, thank God for the new day and youself for the new beginning, then be all about writing the first page of your brand new chapter. BTW, standing up for yourself really does take practice. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

That was excellent advice! -nm - Zircon

[ In Reply To ..]
:)

There is never a graceful way - but you are doing the right thing

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I have been in two one-sided relationships, both with what I thought was my best friend until I realized what was happening. I am the type of person to be freely giving of myself, but just like you, there were times I needed to lean on my friend(s) and they let me down. One friend got to a point that unless we were talking about her, she did not continue participating in the conversation. The next one would listen and participate, but when it came time to get together for lunch or after work, she could not be bothered to come if it didn't revolve around what she decided she wanted to do.

I did the same thing as you, just let the relationship slowly die, except for the second person. With her, I stopped answering emails and phone calls. It's hard to be alone, but harder to feel taken advantage of.

To begin with, try not answering her calls. Use your - caller ID if you have it. -sm

[ In Reply To ..]
If that doesn't work, you could always change your phone numbers (keeping them unlisted, of course).

Or, just do whatever it takes beforehand to make yourself brave and slightly thick-skinned (a drink? an already-written-out speech? or...?), and then, when she eventually tracks you down and calls with her latest calamity, tell her you're very sorry, but you have some things going on in your own life right now that you need to attend to, and that she will need to call somebody else. And then politely say, "Sorry, gotta go!" and hang up.

You'll probably have to repeat that a few times. But if you CONSISTENTLY tell her the above, and then hang up, she should eventually get the message.

wordsmith - In other words

[ In Reply To ..]
In a similar situation I just stopped making myself available to her. It was beginning to get ME down! In the course of one of her "tragedies" I told her I wasn't in a really good place at the time to help her out, because my brother had just had a recent heart attack and I was busy helping him and his family. "Friend" said "Oh i'm so sorry, I know you must feel overwhelmed and I can relate to that because me, me, me, wah, wah, wah,blah blah blah... on and on about her crud anyway!!

Didn't even ASK if i needed a shoulder to cry on, some help, ANYTHING! It's been almost a month that I haven't taken any of her calls. She literally lives two blocks away, hasn't come by to see if I'm alive or dead. Shows me where she stands on the "friendship" scale.

I say cut the cord. Who knows, maybe they'll get the hint and realize what a lousy "friend" they've been. If not, I'm feeling better for not being used like that. Emotionally draining, toxic friendship. One way, like you said. Sucks.

ignore phone first couple times; have a simple excuse ready at all times; the less you - say, the better. At some point it will end. n/m

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