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Evil prospective MIL

Posted: Sep 14, 2011

Oh, I'm just raging this past week! A year ago this month, my 26 y/o niece died. My sister, her mother, has been shattered by this loss. For several weeks, I had planned a retreat to the mountains for my family (husband and 3 sons, aged 21, 15, 14) and my sister's family (she and 2 surviving daughters, aged 19 and 22). My sister and I will hang out, the husband will take the kids out for hiking and tubing - fun stuff.

Other side of story: My son was engaged to a girl, and they broke up. She had a baby with another man. In February, my son and this girl get back together, and all of a sudden they and playing family - bringing the baby by, spending the day in my pool, calling me on the phone to chat. Friday night, she shows up with a movie unannounced. Like all the bitterness of the past is suddenly forgiven and forgotten. I've tolerated it, been polite, but distant because I think this whole relationship is a train wreck but he is 21 and his decision.

So Friday night after the movie, they proceed to tell me that the girlfriend is coming this weekend (baby is staying with her REAL grandmother). Mind, I'm paying for the log house we are renting. I blew up like a volcano, much to my shame. No, no, no. This has been planned, and you are NOT invited! Son, got mad at me, stormed out, and has said nothing to me at all since then.

OK...husband decides that girlfriend can come if she wants but THEY have to make other arrangements. They cannot stay in the cabin. So, son decides to camp out since he's broke. Now, girlfriend has said that it's not fair that "I" am so mean and refusing to let her be with the family. Ugh...I am sick, sick, sick of this selfish and immature girl. My poor sister is mourning her daughter, and I am dealing with this mess. So, son is mad at me, husband is mad at everyone, and I am going dammit and help my sister and everyone else can stay home as far as I'm concerned. But, they all seem to be going, except the girlfriend but I bet $5.00 she'll show up and whine about the tent as I sleep comfortably in my log cabin rental.

;

evil daughter in law - view

[ In Reply To ..]
I know, having adult children myself, how hard it is to keep your mouth shut. With that said, you raised your son to know right from wrong. You taught him how to love, how to forgive, how to follow his heart. You have to let him make his decisions regarding his life, even if they are wrong. If you know in your heart she is not the girl for him, say a prayer that he is strong enough to handle it when it is no longer.

Until then, I would focus on yourself and your sister, and DO NOTHING to push your son away. I did not keep my mouth shut and my daughter will not talk to me, almost 2 months now.

I will pray for you.

You might want to remind him what the trip is all about . . - Sympathetic to you

[ In Reply To ..]
While there will be fun for the guys and kids, there is still a somber side to it. Maybe if he kept in mind this is about supporting his aunt, it may help him control his, and his girlfriend's, attitudes and think twice about making waves.

This may be wrong on my part, but.... - alias

[ In Reply To ..]
Personally I would simply "un-invite" EVERYone, except your sister. The "kids" can stay home with dad/hubby and have the "fun" they are looking for. You and your sister can "retreat and heal", which is the sole intention of this trip anyway. This is not a vacation for the ex/on-again girlfriend. If they all get mad....so what?! This isn't about "them."

I'm on your side - also labeled evil

[ In Reply To ..]
You have every right to feel the way you do. I only disagree with the blowing up part, but you are human, not a saint.

Now you just need to figure out what to do. Yes, your son is an adult. He should have asked you about his gf coming to a family occasion where it is natural to be remembering and celebrating (or mourning) the life of your niece. Part of responsible behavior is thinking about how what one does affect those around him.

I detest someone my son was involved with, but I tolerate her as best as possible. I'm luckly because that has trickled to once a year at most. The worst I have said to my son is that I don't believe she has his best intentions in her heart, which he agrees with now years into it.

If she doesn't like the style in which your son keeps her (in a tent), that is between the two of them. If she whines to you, you can tell her you wish your son could afford better for her as well and that you hope they can work it out for themselves. and then walk away, close the window, use the bathroom, put a period on your sentence with your body language. You may have to do it several times. You should probably talk to your son to apologize for having blown up, and then remind him you are thinking about losing your neice and how you want this weekend to be free of being responsible for entertaining those who didn't know her and can't relate to that loss. This is a time to honor her, not take away from her memory with disrespectful behavior. You should place the responsibility of inviting his gf squarely on his shoulders and ask that he respect and understand your position. If she comes, it is his responsibility to ensure her behavior is appropriate and respectful.

best wishes to you.

Evil MIL - Evil

[ In Reply To ..]
Thank you for all your replies, but especially "also evil." Your kind words brought tears. My niece was a beautiful 26 y/o, killed by an unknown person, so we are also dealing with police issues. It's been hell really this past year. Yes, I am so ashamed of my blow up because it was extreme - tears, yelling, that kind of thing. But in my grief counseling sessions, they told me that you will have emotional ambush moments and this was one. I had trouble controlling the rage, but I am doing better now.

I wish that this girl would understand. I am being facebooked now how mean I am! I did apologize to her but only for my unkind words. I remineded her that this is not a vacation - it is for family. My surviving nieces have also been through hell this past year - the one who found her sister last year has been in therapy and hospitalized due to depression. I hesitated to put all this awful info in my original post, but I wanted to put this in perspective with what I'm dealing with! My son's girlfriend is just not getting it. After I sent her a message about my apology and saying that this was a very difficult time and I didn't want ANYONE else to go (even my teenage sons' friends), she sent me this snide comment: Yea, well, if S*** (my son) goes, he's going to be drunk, so have fun with your drunk and grumpy son.

It actually made me laugh because this is so like her: totally self centered. Personally, my sister and I are likely to be drinking, not my son.

As far as my son, he's angry and hurt by me and my words. I have not apologized to him as yet since really I am more angry with him than his girlfriend. Her behavior does not surprise me, but my son has been through this past year with me, knows what we have been through, and has known for weeks about my retreat plans and said nothing UNTIL I could no longer cancel the reservation without losing my payment for rent. He knows that I would never cancel if I couldn't get my money back! So, he's trying to be sneaky. But, his father called his bluff. So far, he's going, but girlfriend is deeply upset still so who knows? My son is bringing a tent anyway, and there are plenty of campgrounds around.

I thought I had raised a man of integrity but instead he is acting like a selfish teenager and it's really upsetting.

Thanks again for your thoughts and opinions.

really - also labeled evil

[ In Reply To ..]
big hugs coming your way

{{{{{for your}}}}}

see inside.... - allias

[ In Reply To ..]
in reading your last posting, your son's girlfriend's words just sort of jumped out at me. If she can say things like that about him "he will be drunk anyway, so good luck with your drunk and grumpy son" in being his supposed "girlfriend," then she has very little respect for him either, and shows the relationship will not last. Show him her words. Maybe he will wise up that her concerns do not center around him. She has no feelings for him at all. Just tell both of them that this is for FAMILY only, and she is not family. Ignore FB comments. They are only making the poster look bad, because anybody who knows you knows what you have been through and understands. Someone can only hurt you if you allow them to. Have a safe and "healing" trip!

My thought... - Duchess

[ In Reply To ..]
Just wanted to say, I am sorry for what you are going through with your family. Entitlement issues seem to rear their ugly heads everywhere. A little thought popped into my head though about your son. I think he is acting out his grief, granted in a selfish way, and thought it might help you see him in a manner to help him too despite his wrong behavior. He just needs to lose the girlfriend.

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