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A little urked - how would you go about
Posted: Dec 31, 2012
for something that belongs to you. We live away from our family members. After our grandfather died my MIL said I have something you bought them (grandparents) when you were overseas along with a couple other things you made for them. She never did send them out to us (just caught up doing stuff). She has since moved and now our things were left at my brothers home. After 5 years we asked them again if they had them and could they send it and we would of course pay for the shipping and any expense. He said "oh...yeah...those are in the garage". We said do you think you could find them for us and he said...we'll they are at the back of the garage, I'm not sure where. His attitude was like - yeah I know its important to you, but I just don't feel like looking for it for you (too busy watching reality shows and doing everything else except spending some time to look for us). He just laughed and said oh yeah. ha ha ha. So we talked my mother and she felt bad, apologetic, but had no plans to ask my brother to look for it. In the meantime, they have had time, but it's not a high priority for them. Here it is almost 6 months later and no mention is made of it. I don't know how much longer they plan to wait or even if they ever plan to go through and get it for us. Just is not important to them, but it is to us. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to nicely ask for them or do you think it's a lost cause and just kiss the what we bought for our grandparents goodbye.
;
Yeah, search ebay and their local craigslist, but those items are likely long gone. - nm
[ In Reply To ..]nm
I would tell - them that on
[ In Reply To ..]such and such a day, I would be showing up on their doorstep with a truck/trailer to retreive my belongings, and would they please have them outside, ready and waiting for me to get them. See what they respond to that message and you will have your answer. IF they still have your belongings, it is YOUR responsibility to retreive them, not theirs to "send" to you. If you want the items that badly, find a way to get them yourself. Don't rely on them to do it for you, or you will never get them. If they have sold or gotten rid of your items, that is your fault, not theirs. They are not a "storage company" that will house your items forever. Take responsibility for your own belongings.
That's not the issue - The issue is - asking a family member
[ In Reply To ..]The issue is my mother was supposed to send us the item when she had it. She didn't it went to the back of what is now a storage room for them because they were too busy with other things to send it. They were going shopping, and to the malls, and to movies, and for walks, and grocery stores, etc. They are always out doing things, going places, just too lazy to make one of the stops the mailbox place. They wouldn't even have to wrap it, just hand it to the people who box it up and send it, and we would pay all costs. This is nothing new, my brother has mailed us a lot of stuff over the years, been very generous and has done a lot of stuff, so he's not after money or planning to sell it or anything. We offered to pay for all costs, plus give them additional money for taking time out. Now it's at the back of their storage because they are too lazy to go through get it and send it to us. They don't want to take time out because not only do they have their own stuff, they also have some of my mother, my sister, my other 2 brothers, his wife's sisters, brother, and kids stuff. They are using their garage as a storage place for everyone and therefore since there is so much stuff they don't want to go through it to find it (even though they know the area of the garage it is at). It's just called being lazy and not caring that it means a lot us. If we could go down we would, but we can't. There was nothing for us to take "responsibility" for. We live in a different state, we can't just waltz over there on a whim. We don't live close by. It was their responsibility to send it to us when they first had and and told my uncle he didn't have to do that, they would send it to us. Just like we took responsibility when my grandmother passed away (5 years before my grandfather) to gather her stuff she wanted my mother to have, to rent a Uhaul and brought all of her stuff up to her (she lived 8 hours away) when we said we would take it to her. Now we live a 3 days drive away and they can't send us this?? Not our responsibility. It was her responsibility when they took it and said "I'll send it to them".
Maybe if we offer them some extra cash it will get them motivated. Right now I don't know.
do you hear yourself? - sm
[ In Reply To ..]you obviously dislike, resent, and have no respect for these people. You are making assumptions about what they care about and how lazy they are. Why don't you take a giant step back from your persecution complex and realize that life is complicated for everyone, we're all just human, and ulterior motives are rarely the cause for you not getting what you want when you want it.
Yeah I do hear myself - - sm
[ In Reply To ..]1. Love my brother and his wife deeply. You don't know me or him or my relationship with him, so don't sit and judge others you have no idea about.
2. Sorry, but I would say taking a half hour or hour out for family is more important than reality shows, etc.
3. Lazy is exactly what he called it himself - i.e. "yeah, I'm lazy, I'll look for it later" (that was 8 months ago)
4. Not getting what I want when I want it? Sorry, 5 years is bit rediculous. You mean not once in 5 years (longer now), they couldn't get our item and mail it to us? - all expenses paid for PLUS extra money for going out of their way. So, what do you think is reasonable 20 or 30 years. Then if something happens to them and his wife's family comes in and takes it and sells it. Sorry, but I think more than 5 years is a long time to be patient waiting. I'm not being unreasonable.
All I wrote was asking how to go about asking for something that is ours. I didn't need your snotty reply. Especially since you don't know my brother, me, my mother or the situation.
No where did I say anyone had any ulterior motives for anything. I said lazy because ITS BEEN OVER 5 FRIGGIN YEARS!!!! Yeah, I have a right to be a bit miffed about it. Never once said I wanted to get something when I wanted. Every six or so months when he says, I know I have to send it and I never put pressure on him.
if it was that important to you - you would go and get the stuff
[ In Reply To ..]I read this thread as wanting validation that you are right in being mad about not having your stuff, the people are wrong, why don't we see how rIdiculous this person is.
So okay, in five years, you never had the opportunity to take a week out of your life to go see family, pick up your stuff, visit with them and tell them how grateful you are that they stored your stuff all these years?
While it might be a nice gesture for them to send it to you, they do have their own lives to live, lives you have no control over. You only have control over yourself. You talk about all this discretionary money you have. Booha to you. Take some of it and go get the things and lower your blood pressure. Stop being Irked.
Re: your last line - grits
[ In Reply To ..]First, let me say that you have the right to feel how you feel, but I'm afraid you're coming across as a bit entitled. I agree with other posters who are making the point about where the responsibility lies. Your mother should've honored what she said she'd do, but she didn't and your brother is being used as a storage facility. In his place, I wouldn't feel a huge sense of urgency either.
"Does anyone have any suggestions on how to nicely ask for them or do you think it's a lost cause and just kiss the what we bought for our grandparents goodbye."
Your other choice is to, as others have said, go and get your things yourself. Edited to add: If you continue to press the issue, you run the risk of alienating your brother. Are the items worth damaging your relationship with him?
Nobody cares about your needs like you do, and nobody is as motivated as you to fill them. Be proactive, and be sure to thank your brother for keeping your things for you.
Good luck, I hope you find your things in good shape.
Why so many harsh responses to OP? - Wondering
[ In Reply To ..]I don't blame her for being upset. She is just asking for common courtesy to be extended to her by her family member. If the shoe were on the other foot, and it was the brother doing the asking, I bet he would have had his request answered promptly.
I am trying to put myself in the brother's place and I can understand him being a little annoyed that several family members' items have been deposited in store room for so long, but you would think he would be happy to get rid of some of it. This smacks of passive aggressiveness on his part.
Anyway, to the OP, you ask how to nicely get a family member to comply. I would take niceness out of the equation and begin to approach it in a business-like, but polite, fashion. Pretend it's a civil servant or business that you're dealing with. I would also expedite the requests. Contact him on a regular basis, like clock-work, once a week, every 3 days, or whatever timeframe, but be consistent. Don't apologize. Just make your brief request and ask when he will comply. This is called wearing him down, AKA the squeaky wheel gets the grease (or whatever that saying is).
Good luck to you. I think you're being more than generous offering to pay for the packing, shipping, plus a little extra. How hard can it be to take it to one of the many, many UPS stores, unwrapped, and have them handle it from there?
Again, good luck. Hope you get your items back soon.
treating him like a servant would be helpful? - take out the civil and still a servent
[ In Reply To ..]Um, I think that would only encourage him to stop taking her calls.
After 5 years, a court would see her items as having been abandoned. He could dispose of them in any way he wished.
If one wanted to meet passive-aggresive the same, she could call him and say they had taken money out of their retirement account to pay for a trip to pick up her items. She knows he is storing many things for family, but do they have room at their house or can he recommend a nearby hotel? Or she could say they have bought the tickets to fly out and reserved a rental car for their arrival and to drive home with the items.
I agree she should take the nice out of dealing with him, but asking him to fetch and retrieve (woof!) or like a civil (ha!) servant is disgrading to a family member.
And it goes back to my question - grits
[ In Reply To ..]...of what's more important, the items or a good relationship with her brother. In his place, I would take a dim view of being hounded by regular phone calls, particularly since I hadn't asked to be put in this position in the first place.
It's not the "nice" that needs to be taken out of it. It's the emotional attachment. Either she wants the things or she doesn't, but esclating to the point of harassing her brother might backfire.
Her brother doesn't seem interested in... - Wondering
[ In Reply To ..]maintaining a good relationship with her. Very disrespectful on his part.
He's not a storage company - is what Judge Judy would say
[ In Reply To ..]but that is how she has been treating him for all this time, granted he was put in that position by the MIL not the OP. Agreed, either let go of the issue and maintain a good relationship with him, or just go get the stuff. Or both, but when I look at it from his perspective, I would feel imposed upon for all these years and would love for someone to either come get it or forget it.
It isn't disrespectful to be unable or unwilling to accommodate a request. - grits
[ In Reply To ..]I do think he oughtn't to string her along and instead just tell her what he is and isn't willing to do.
OP, maybe you need to ask him what he's willing to do to help you get your things, instead of telling him how you want it done. What do you have to lose?
Thanks for your message - message for grits too - The OP
[ In Reply To ..]So many response that are good starting at yours. Everyone posts above grits can "kiss my grits" LOL
I hope this doesn't all get scrambled up because so many responses.
First, I think I have the right to be upset. It's been longer than 5 years. We never hounded them, never pressured them, nothing. Maybe once every 4 or 5 months we would ask them if they still had the items and if they could send them. That's it. Never put pressure on them, and always asked them very very nicely, not "send us our stuff now" type of attitude. Always said "I was wondering if you had come across our item lately, and the next time your in the neighborhood of the post office if you wouldn't mind sending it we'd really be appreciable.". That's how we've come across. If he sounded annoyed we dropped it. This has been going on for more than five years now. I guess I'm a bit miffed because within 2 weeks after my grandmother died we rented a uhaul and took my grandmothers stuff to her because I knew it meant a lot to her. No, I don't expect they would do the same for us, but c'mon, 5 years and not once you could do this for us.
Someone said Judge Judy would say "he's not a storage unit" and that is correct. However, we never asked him to store it for us, we wanted it. I think Judge Judy would side with us saying "Maa'm when you told your sister she didn't have to send it to them that you would do it, it was your responsibility. Not your sister and brother and not your child's responsibility to come down to get it. It's your responsibility. Send it to them". This is a piece of my grandparents. Something we bought them and something they loved and something they said to all their kids, make sure they get this after we are gone. It's important to us.
No I don't have $675 to travel down there, plus taking time off of work without getting paid. Yes the item is important to us, but no, I don't have that kind of money to spend.
No, I don't want a strained relationship with my brother, therefore we have just let it go. All I was asking here was if anyone had any suggestion on a different way to approach trying to get him to send it to us because asking nicely a couple times a year is not working. I wouldn't call it feeling "entitled", but it is something that his grandparents said to make sure we got.
Hey grits - have to say I liked your messages too. How is it that here on the gab board I always agree with what you write and think I would like you in person, but on the political board? Boy you really chap my hide sometimes. LOL. Your replies have been very well taken too.
So thanks people (from grits on down). Most likely I will just not be saying anything to them anymore. And you know that just really sucks. Maybe I'll take a picture of the empty wall where it will go and send that to them. Then the following week I can sent them a picture of the item we are wanting - maybe they will get the hint.
You had Judge Judy down pat! - Wondering
[ In Reply To ..]I had to laugh. When you were quoting JJ, it sounded exactly like what she would say. I could hear her voice. When I was extending my advice, I was doing my best Ann Landers/Dear Abby approach. I used to love reading their advice columns daily. (Who knows, maybe I was being guided by their spirits... or not.
Best of luck getting your stuff back. Happy New Year!
guided by spirits? - wrote Dr Phil about you
[ In Reply To ..]truly troubling.
quoting:
"I could hear her voice. When I was extending my advice, I was doing my best Ann Landers/Dear Abby approach. I used to love reading their advice columns daily. (Who knows, maybe I was being guided by their spirits... or not."
maybe a split personality responding to the OP?
Hmmm, maybe you should write for the National Enquirer... - Wondering
[ In Reply To ..]or work for one of the major political parties, your use of editing in order to misquote would certainly fit right in.
:) - grits sm
[ In Reply To ..]I'd caution you not to be too passive-aggressive - it's hard to predict how someone (even someone you presumably know well, like your brother) will react to that sort of thing. I'm really easygoing, but passive aggression with me is like tossing a match on a powderkeg - I just can't stand it.
It does suck that you don't have your stuff and can't afford to go and get it - I empathize with you there. But what you might do is tell him if y'all can't figure out a way to work together to get it to you, that he just make sure it stays protected so that it'll be in good shape when you *do* get it. At least then he'll know you do still want the stuff and not to discard it (if you just stop mentioning it, he might decide you no longer want it, KWIM?)
Sorry about chapping your hide on the political board :) Nothing I say there is meant personally, I assure you, and it's not like any of our posts are going to fix anything anyway!
very good advice from Grits - Wondering (nm)
[ In Reply To ..]/
That IS very good advice Grits - Thanks - The OP (sm)
[ In Reply To ..]See, now here you go and prove once again I DO like you :-) Your suggestions and advice is very good. Not to worry, I'm not going to be saying anything to him for a long time. He's the kind of person that if you make him mad he likes payback. That's why we have not pushed him, and just said "well the next time your in the area we'd be appreciative". He knows it's important to us.
Not a problem on the political board. I never take anything personally. I just always sit shaking my head saying ....what??? No, tell me your kidding. ROFL But anyway...love to converse on the gab board with you. We'd probably have a great conversation over coffee.
will decline to kiss your anthing - thanks for the offer
[ In Reply To ..]If all you wanted was what grits had to say, why didn't you just email grits directly and save everyone from telling you something you didn't want to hear?
Wrong - that's not what I said. - The OP
[ In Reply To ..]I asked for suggestions on how to ask my brother for something that was supposed to be sent to me over 5 years ago. What do I get? Rude uncalled for comments that had nothing constructive to offer regarding what I asked for. No, too busy attacking me and "who do you think you are asking for something that you should have had" and that I've got some kind of "entitlement attitude", when all I asked was since asking him nicely 2 or 3 times a year over the past 5 years is not working, did anyone have any other suggestions. Never mind it was my grandparents wishes, which they made known to everyone to make sure we get it. Never mind that someone was ready to go to the post office to mail it to us, but was told, no you don't have to do it, I'll do it. But no, just too busy attacking me writing that I think I'm entitled, blah blah blah. As they say, thanks but no thanks. Too much to ask for a civilized decent conversation with some suggestions.
By the way, you're welcome. The offer still stands.
exactly what you said - call it by any other name
[ In Reply To ..]"Thanks for your message - message for grits too - The OPPosted: Jan 2nd, 2013 - 8:24 pm In Reply to: Why so many harsh responses to OP? - Wondering
So many response that are good starting at yours. Everyone posts above grits can "kiss my grits" LOL
end of quotes
Then begin quotes
"The offer can stand...still."
You said what you said in *this* post about kissing your grits. You said:
" Rude uncalled for comments that had nothing constructive to offer regarding what I asked for. No, too busy attacking me and "who do you think you are asking for something that you should have had" and that I've got some kind of "entitlement attitude", when all I asked was since asking him nicely 2 or 3 times a year over the past 5 years is not working, did anyone have any other suggestions
I don't see how offering alternative opinions qualifies as being attacks on you. If others were to say your age disqualifies you as being unable to accept any other approaches as that you have described, well, THAT would have been a personal attack. But that was not said. What was said was that from a legal perspective you may not be approaching it from HIS view or from a LEGAL point of view.
That you took it as a personal affront is your problem.
The offer still standing is still offensive. I will not kiss your "grits."
No and this is how the attacks went - The OP
[ In Reply To ..]"you obviously dislike, resent, and have no respect for these people. You are making assumptions"
"Why don't you take a giant step back from your persecution complex "
"you not getting what you want when you want it.
"
Nuff said here...done with ya. Have a nice night. Go ahead and attack some more. I'm done and won't be back. Have a nice night.
refreshing - good to know
[ In Reply To ..]I understand better why your BIL is tired of hearing about it. You certainly have a way about you...one that you hold onto like a bulldog.
Ahhh, another attack - - you approved the OPs point
[ In Reply To ..]Just can't help yourself attacking still after she said she was no longer going to read them.
Can't leave it alone can ya. You don't know her or her family. She said she would ask a twice a year and other times didn't ask.
What is wrong with poster that they have to post such hate-filled posts instead of contributing making assumptions. And without the umptions that's what this is.
I have to apologize - reading comprehension
[ In Reply To ..]I went back to re-read the posts, and the OP is correct, there was ONE posts that said all those things. So a single poster attacked her and she couldn't overlook it and invited me to kiss her "grits." BTW, that single poster was not me.
My bad. I'm the one with the problem.
I was that single poster - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I refrained from responding to the OP's first post, as it was clear that the OP was seeking more than just a simple "how to ask a family member".
By her second post, it was apparent that resentment and assumption were making her miserable, and I thought she might benefit from freeing herself of it. That's why I asked if she could hear herself:
"they were too busy with other things"
"going shopping, and to the malls, and to movies, and for walks, and grocery stores"
"always out doing things, going places, just too lazy"
"It's just called being lazy and not caring"
I have re-read my response, and I do not see it as an attack. There is nothing hateful about suggesting that
people step out of their codependent mindset. Sadly, in the end, she is too attached to her negativity to let it go.
actually I should have worded what I said differently - reading comprehension
[ In Reply To ..]I should have said "she felt attacked" rather than she was attacked. I actually got what you were saying and why. It irritated me the same way as it did you. But then later when she specifically said she wanted everyone but grits to kiss her "grits", well, that just chapped me the wrong way altogether. If she and grits are of like minds and want to gang up on the rest of the posters, well, I can't stop them, but she didn't have to be so disrespectful to us because we had a different POV. I just felt her class was showing.
I hear you (nm) - ; )
[ In Reply To ..]
Not sure how I got roped into this, but - grits
[ In Reply To ..]I basically told her the same thing you all were telling her, just not quite so bluntly. Sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it.
I don't necessarily think the posters who disagreed were disrespectful, but for whatever reason, the message wasn't getting through, so I restated it. *shrug*
I hear you too, grits - ; ) nm
[ In Reply To ..]
Just to set some thing straight - The OP
[ In Reply To ..]Curiousity got the best of me so decided to check out if people actually wrote anything else.
So...to set things straight:
..."it was clear that the OP was seeking more than just a simple "how to ask a family member". Response: Wrong. Don't know what you think was so "clear". Since not asking and asking them nicely a couple times a year wasn't working, I thought I'd ask here if anyone had any suggestions on how to go about nicely asking again.
"by her second post, it was apparent that resentment and assumption were making her miserable, and I thought she might benefit from freeing herself of it." Reply: ROFLMAO. Now that's the biggest ASSumption if I ever heard one. 1.) I don't resent anyone in my family. Just was looking at how to get my items that I would like to have. There is nothing to "resent". 2.) Assumptions? I made no assumptions. 3.) I'm far from miserable. 4.) Nothing to "free" myself from. Thanks for the laugh though.
""they were too busy with other things""
""going shopping, and to the malls, and to movies, and for walks, and grocery stores""
""always out doing things, going places, just too lazy""
""It's just called being lazy and not caring"" Reply: Yes they are.
Until you know someone and are standing in their shoes DON'T ASSume.
no sweat, OP - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I wasn't trying to make you mad. It might interest you that I also posted the following (which you seemed to like):
http://general.mtstars.com/332242.html
That's great. Thanks - The OP - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I don't think I was actually mad. Maybe a little bit miffed at some of the responses. Really the simple truth was all I was asking for was some alternative methods of trying to get a family member to send me a couple of things. Instead I got (and not from you I'm saying), but instead I got message of how I feel "entitles" that I made "assumptions" and all kinds of crazy stuff from people who don't know what my relationship is with him (which happens to be very close). We have not pushed him to send us the stuff, especially if I say, hey bro, have you found the stuff, if he gives a sigh I just say "no problemo".
I guess when nobody was offering any suggestions, but instead I was told I resented, disliked, and have no respect for him. I was told I was making assumptions about how lazy he was, but those were not assumptions since he told me himself he's been lazy and he'll look later (that was almost a year ago). He calls me from the mall (just walking around, cos there was nothing else to do), calls me from standing in line for movie tickets for his friends kids (he wasn't going to the movies, the girls just didn't want to stand in line). He calls me from all these different places, saying he's doing this or that because he's bored. I even joked and laughed and said, "hey, if your bored you could always look for..." and we'd both laugh. So yes, he does not make me feel as though he cares about me or that this is important to me. I was also told I have a "persecution complex" that I think people have "ulterior motives", I have an "entitlement attitude" that I think he's a "storage company", etc, etc. It just got totally out of control with only a few suggestions that were helpful.
I did read your other message, which I thought was very good. That reminded me of transformers when the kid was going to buy a car from Bobby Bolivia LOL.
I just think 5 years is a long time to wait I think anyone would feel irked if for 5 years you've been asking for something that your grandparents left to you after they died.
All I wanted to know was if anyone had any suggestions. Nothing more. There were no ulterior motives behind me asking. Just thought since so many people read the board maybe someone had been in a similar situation and could say, this is what I did or have you tried this or that. Just didn't expect all the derogatory comments (again, not by you, but by others).
Thanks for your response.
so much for - reading comprehension
[ In Reply To ..]"Nuff said here...done with ya. Have a nice night. Go ahead and attack some more. I'm done and won't be back. Have a nice night. "
okay, so how about this... - sm
[ In Reply To ..]what about a little light-hearted humor? Perhaps something like this: So bro, I would really love to get these items, and it would mean so much to me! What's it gonna take? :) Tell me - let's make it happen!
I like that - We're thinking about rewarding them - with a dinner at their favorite restaurant
[ In Reply To ..]for doing us this favor.
We'll see how it goes
Thanks
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