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Reaching out...please help, but not be judgemental
Posted: Jan 23, 2017
I have been a part of this site for many years as a Medical Transcriptionist for over 30 years. I value all your opinions and thoughts on all the boards here...we are one :) I have friends and family, but do not want to talk to them about an issue that has happened to me and I need to reach out.
Friday night my husband and I were at home watching a TV show called House Hunters. We had talked in the past about wanting to move to North Carolina and live in the mountains off and on for the past couple years. All of a sudden in the middle of the show he got kind of angry and said it was my fault we were not living in the mountains. I was thrown off because I had told him many times I would love to experience living in the mountains and both my brothers lived there as well. I have no idea what "tripped him" but we were going to bed and were in the bedroom and he got really angry and shoved me down on the tile floor and I couldn't catch myself and landed square down on my bottom. He then daunted me to call the police, but I just crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep in disbelief that this had occurred.
Now it is two-three days later and it hurts so bad to bend over to pick something up and get up and down. I think my coccyx is broken. I know there is nothing that can help that, but I have to suffer until this heals.
I feel so, well, lost. Do I just deal with this, do I dare tell anyone, what? He said he was sorry, but I have never been pushed by a man to the ground for no reason except he was not happy where we lived?
Please dont judge me, I am reaching out because I am in despair and cannot tell anyone, friends or family, and do not feel good about this. Advice is so welcome though. Thank you all!
;
Oh my! - Dotts
[ In Reply To ..]Wow! This is not a good scenario at all! I believe your husband has OTHER underlying issues to cause such a reaction toward you. Have their been other incidents like this? You need to take a step back and see what was truly behind this, if you can get to the crux of it or not. If it does not change, your marriage may very well be over. I know how you feel about your coccyx, simply because my going to work one morning years ago, it was snowy and icy and when I went into the building I worked at, I slipped and went straight down on my tailbone! Man, did that hurt! You never want to go down on your tailbone, but at least in my case, no one shoved me down, I simply slipped. If it continues to bother you for a prolonged period, you never know if you have a fracture line or something.
This is probably not what you're expecting to hear, but could this be something else? sm - Worried
[ In Reply To ..]About 10 years ago, a good friend of mine's husband of 20 years starting getting some strange behavior out of the blue, yelling at her, slapping her a few times, then being sorry. It happened only 3 or 4 times and always very late at night. She was so upset (rightly so) and said it wasn't like him as they did not really fight and he was not violent. A few weeks later, he was taken to the ER when he was getting bad stomach pains. His blood sugar was over 1400, and his organs were failing. They lost him, and the doctors told her that undiagnosed diabetes will rarely but sometimes cause psychosis in a male. She researched it later, and found out that there it happens more in men than women but also other things can cause behavioral changes to happen like that such as going off blood pressure medication without tapering (even with missing just a few doses), a brain tumor, prostate issues and kidney infections. If this was very isolated and you have known him a very long time, can you talk him into getting a full physical? I know it's an off shot, but better safe than sorry. ((HUGS)) and prayers to you.
Behavior change - Gem
[ In Reply To ..]I don't know how old you two are but I went through a personality change with my husband who had elevated blood sugar levels and prostate levels, along with an already present head trauma. He finally had a heart attack and I learned he was a diabetic and had prostate ca. He had been imagining several things that never happened, was losing memory and becoming angry. Then finally came the heart attack when all these other diagnoses came to light during hospitalization. He never made it through open heart surgery. As I look back, he had multiple signs that he was not himself but would not budge on letting me call anyone. As sad as I am, I sometimes have the "shoulda, woulda, coulda," which the docs warned me against. I am not saying this is what is wrong with your husband but it could be something other than abuse. I would suggest talking with his doctor, then you can go from there. It hurts, I know, but perhaps he's just not himself for a reason. Don't take chances, you don't know where his head is at, speak up and protect yourself. Heal your mind and body. Good luck with everything, my thoughts are with you. I hope I'm wrong but I am worried about you (and your husband.)
worried - nandele
[ In Reply To ..]I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I have heard from others that dementia and Alzheimer's can cause such behavior. How old is your husband? If this is a sudden change of behavior, encourage him to get a physical. Sounds like an organic problem causing behavior changes. Please take care of yourself and protect yourself.
Sorry - This must hurt you
[ In Reply To ..]Violent behavior is never acceptable, not from anyone. How is he acting now, is he normal? I don't get what he did and how he can think it is okay. Sounds like he was asking for help in some way because he said to call the police.
sorry - 1shopper
[ In Reply To ..]I am SO sorry this happened to you. He is obviously not in a good place in his life. However, that being said, it is never okay to treat someone you love like that. Have you broached the subject with him after that? Please at least see if there are services for you in your area so you can talk to someone...
You need to consider your - own
[ In Reply To ..]safety. How do you know he won't get angry again and hurt you worse the next time he decides to take out his misery and frustration on you because you're available? He's done it once, there is every likelihood he will do it again. Saying he's sorry is worthless. Sorry doesn't change anything. He needs professional help, and you need to be safe.
Find the agency in your area that deals with victims of domestic violence and get help getting away from him. Once you are safe, you can decide what you want to happen and what he has to do before you consider returning.
This is not your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Tell someone you trust. Tell everyone. Don't let him shame you into silence to be abused again and again just because he feels like it.
You didn't deserve what happened to you, and you don't need to hide. He is the one who needs to be shamed, not you. Get out and get help. You are not safe until he deals with whatever his problem is to YOUR satisfaction. You decide what happens next, not him.
Good luck.
I probably would - have
[ In Reply To ..]called his bluff and called the police. He assaulted you plain and simple. If he had done that to a stranger, he would be arrested and charged with assault. Now if you have a broken coccyx and you need an x-ray will you say you just fell or will you say you were assaulted?
Do not be a victim. Telling the truth about what happened may get him the help he needs and keep you safe in the future.
Yes, this is a tough response but you need to be a strong person and not let him victimize you ever again.
Getting checked out - Lost
[ In Reply To ..]I have never been the complaining type, but it truly hurts to bend over to pick something up or to sit directly on my backside. I have no health insurance, but he is fully covered. He said yesterday he would take me to the doctor. I said "So you would be OK with me telling the doctor that what happened was my husband pushed me so hard I fell?" He said "No, you would tell him you slipped on something and fell."
Go to the emergency room - xx
[ In Reply To ..]tell them how you were injured. They will take care of notifying the appropriate authorities. The hospital social worker will help you evaluate your options and tell you how to access the appropriate resources for assistance. His behavior is getting worse. The next time he has a "temper tantrum" could be very bad for you. You need to protect yourself. Don't worry about his pride. Tell people what he did. Don't lie for him to protect him. He needs to be forced to face his behavior and experience the consequences. If there are no consequences, he will not stop hurting you. Protect yourself and get help as soon as possible.
Thanks for being so caring, I appreciate you! - Lost
[ In Reply To ..]Thanks for all your kind words and advice. I have never in my whole life been in this situation. He has had what I call "temper tantrums" before, whereby he has thrown or broken objects, but never have I been touched whatsoever until this time he snapped and threw me down to the ground. I agree, his telling me he is sorry really does nothing. I also told him I am so concerned that he may lose it and physically hurt me again, which he swears he won't. I am unemployed right now and have been trying so hard to get a job so I can be independent again. I cant help but wonder if he uses the fact I am dependent on him as a power trip. If he does not get his way about something he stomps out of the room like a 5 year old. I am just lost. I feel stuck due to not being able to find a job. Being able to vent here has given me some solace though, and I truly appreciate your responses. Thank you so much for caring for someone you do not even know who is hurting.
I strongly advise that you look at - sm
[ In Reply To ..]the link I have provided. It is for the domestic violence wheel. I've been through what you are going through. It is painfully obvious to me that he is escalating. Mental abuse IS domestic abuse (i.e. "temper tantrums"). Telling you to LIE about how you were injured IS mental abuse. Please look at the wheel. It saved me. (((hugs))) - you are not alone.
Thank you so much, I will check it out!!!!-nm - Lost
[ In Reply To ..]nm
I wholeheartedly agree with this. - You need to tell the truth.
[ In Reply To ..]I was a social worker before doing MT.
I saw a lot of this sort of thing. It is a lot more comfortable to dismiss the first incident as isolated and the perpetrator (yes, it is crimminal behavior) can be quite contrite. Problem with giving another chance is that it encourages escalation and dominance. Trying to get you to lie is further evidence. If he was remorseful, he would have taken you to the hospital right away and never would ask you to conceal the assault. This is very disturbing behavior and the way it seems to have come on suddenly may mean that he is ill (physically or mentally). He needs to be reported and required to have intervention. If he doesn't agree, you may be living with a ticking time bomb and I am very concerned for your safety. There are organizations in every community that are equiped to give you guidance and resources to help you. If you don't feel comfortable contacting them, then please go to the doctor or hospital and TELL THE TRUTH. Medical personnel are mandated reporters and they will get you the help you need and your husband too. Your husband blamed your unfairly, hurt you significantly, but he can't be allowed to destroy your morals too. Tell the truth and let the cards fall as they will, and remember that he is the one that set whatever happens in motion. Please keep us updated. (((Hugs)))
possibility - another thought
[ In Reply To ..]Sometimes people go into "sundowning" when they get older, seems worse with men. Once it's evening/night, they can get really cranky, angry, abusive. I had a neighbor who was perfectly fine during the day, but anything that might irritate him on a day shift would cause him to blow up if it happened at night. During the day, he'd handle things maybe with a bad mood, but if the same exact thing occurred after dinner, he'd say the meanest things, really incredible. He had to have lights on, TV on, etc, etc. He had a lot of health issues, and I don't know if it was all tied together, but evenings were really tough on him. He'd say or do things at night that he'd never do during the day. Might call your husband's doctor about this. Maybe doc office can call him up and say it's time for a checkup, run labs, etc. That would leave you out of it. If they decide he's sundowning, start keeping lights on or TV on low all night. It seems to help a bit. I hope your situation gets better.
And if he is just an abuser.... - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Take it from years of experience, they ALWAYS say they are sorry, and they might feel bad, but it will happen again and again and again, and he will always be sorry, and it will last for a while then something will set him off, and then snap. You have to decide if you can put up with this the rest of your life or stop the cycle now. I hope you make the correct decision. Good luck and hope things work out for you.
medical eval - thought
[ In Reply To ..]I was raised in an abusive household, so I know at least some of the signs of it, but if OP is in a relatively new situation, then a medical eval should be part of finding out what's going on. If he's always had times of being on the edge of abuse and then finally crossed the line, then yes, he's escalating and she needs to work on her strength (mental, etc) and figure out a solution whether it's counseling or leaving. He asked/suggested she lie to the doctor. Either he's wanting to start her on a path of covering up for him (with the idea he's going to hurt her again and be protected from consequence) or he's embarrassed/ashamed of his behavior and doesn't want to be accused of being abusive. If he never does it again, then perhaps he really is sorry for what he did. If he's sundowning, then this will probably happen again unless things that trigger events are controlled and/or he gets on meds that will help him calm down in the evenings. OP has a lot of work to do in all this no matter what the cause. It's good she wrote here. Lots of support.
She has already explained - that
[ In Reply To ..]he has had these "tantrums", and apparently over a period of years. He has thrown things and broken things when he gets angry or frustrated, so this is not new behavior, but it is escalating. He shoved her this time. He's escalating the violence, and the next time could be much worse. He's had all the chances he deserves and more.
She cannot afford to wait until the "next time" or to see if he really is sorry (no, he's not sorry). She needs to protect herself now. The time to give him the benefit of the doubt has passed. It passed the first time he had a "tantrum" and threw or broke something. Now he's hurt her, and he wants her to lie about what happened. He has no remorse and cares only about himself, not to mention apparently being unable to control himself when something doesn't go his way. He's making her the scapegoat for his failure. People like that don't "get better." They just get angrier.
She is not safe. She needs to get out.
You're judging without knowing all the facts. If it's sundowning, it could have sm - Wow
[ In Reply To ..]started years before and is getting worse. Could it be early Altzeimer's or diabetes? Could it be a medication he's on or recently changed?
Not everything is abuse. Not everyone is in denial. How do you know he's not sorry or that he cares only about himself?
How long have they been together? When did this start? Is it out of character? Any other things happening like forgetting stuff he said or even where his keys are? Have his personal habits changed, i.e. not taking a shower every day or forgets to get a haircut when he's always been like clockwork?
Did you not read - what
[ In Reply To ..]she wrote below about how he's making it all about him or that he wanted her to lie as a condition of taking her to see a doctor?
In any event, he pushed her down and broke her coccyx and continued to behave like a jerk. That's the reality, not some imaginary "disorder" that's making him behave out of character. He's had tantrums before when he didn't get his way. Now he's hurting her. Whatever his problem is, she is not safe with him. She needs to protect herself.
She needs to get treatment for her injuries and he needs to face some consequences or he'll keep doing it.
If you're so worried about his feelings, you go live with him and let him abuse you and see how much sympathy you think he deserves then.
Thank you all for your support! - Lost
[ In Reply To ..]I just want to say thank you to everyone who cared enough to give me feedback and insight. It gives me strength to figure this out. The day before yesterday he came home from work and said he was worried all day that I was falling out of love with him. I told him that I still cant get over how he treated me that night. He said over and over how he loves me, yet he kept making it about him. He skimmed over my feelings when I told him how upset and hurt I was and that I could not instantly get over it so HE would feel better about it. It doesnt work that way. I told him I was scared it would happen again, and of course, he swore it would not. I have to do something. I am going to contact a professional to help me sort through this and figure out where to go from here.
Again, thank you for letting me reach out to you all and for your support. It truly means a lot to me and I appreciate everyone's input. Hugs!!!!!
This is good news. - xx
[ In Reply To ..]You are seeing him for what he is, not letting him guilt you into ignoring his dangerous behavior, not trying to reassure him, not buying his lies.You understand that his focus is entirely on himself.
So glad to hear you will be seeking help from a professional who can help you make decisions that are good for you.
Wishing you a future that is safe and happy.
Reaching out - unknown
[ In Reply To ..]Hi! Just wondering how things were going for you and if you are okay? You haven't posted anything since last week and I'm worried about you. Please let us know how things are. :)
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