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Loving two men. i know, i know....

Posted: Jan 22, 2010

To post this anonymously is because I am embarrassed and ashamed.

I know I am not the only one that has ever been in this situation, and I am not trying to act like the victim here, but it is extremely hard to deal with.

A man (#1) I have been with for about 8 years total (the last 2 have been off and on, hence me meeting someone else)... this man has been through a lot of things with me, ups and downs... ins and outs.. we grew up together which makes it even worse, know each other's friends, close to each other's families... I know he would love me forever. but the thing is is i do not have sexual chemistry with him. And of COURSE we have tried different things, to spice it up... to make it better... so please, it's nothing like that. I just thought that's the way it was until i met this other guy (#2) about a year ago when I was not with my current guy.

The sex is amazing. passionate... loving... and i know i know that part of that is because it is new and exciting... but then feelings became involved. This guy is on the other side of the US from me though... but i miss him every single day. EVERY DAY. and he wants me to come back and be with him.

NOW... the question is this. I am not too young to understand that long term relationships and marriages take work, and that the passion is not always going to be there, it not gonna be butterflies and balloons and stars... because a deeper love comes in.

My question is will i ever be able to get over the no passion sex life with the first guy, the man that is safe and protective and would be there for me... when i CANNOT for the life of me get the other one out of my head, who i too believe in my heart would be there for me. I just am trying to remember if i ever had the same passion for sex with #1 than with #2, and i have come to the conclusion that i have NEVER had the kind of sex I have with #2.

I know this sounds so juvenile, but it literally eats at me every day. Guy #1 we have broken up time and time again and swore we would try to make it work this time... but i literally cried when he tried to be intimate the other day because i felt NOTHING. that is the worst feeling in the world. I have tried so many things, so suggestions for helping the sex life i really dont need... im just wanting someone's opinion on if one can get over that? The only other thing is guy #2 is more similar to my personality. he will take me out dancing and go out with friends. Guy #1 is shy and introverted, exactly my opposite, but he is such a great great guy, and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about him with someone else. Also guy #2 would be like uprooting my whole belief system and EVERYTHING i know just to take a chance or a risk and im so scared ill regret it.

I want to get married and have a family some day. i always pictured this with #1. until #2 came along. but it's so new, i have yet to picture that stuff with him even though i have daydreamed about it. I am afraid i have fallen into just being comfortable and settling with #1. which is not a bad thing per se... ugh it's just so frustrating.

Gosh i went on and on and im sorry, i just can't tell anyone here at home how i feel because people are so judgmental... including im sure some of the responders here. please just remember that i hate the idea of hurting someone and know that i put myself in this position... i wonder how i ever got myself into it to begin with, but circumstances and situations... it's too long of a story. but i am here now, and just trying to do the right thing...

thank you for any opinions/stories/self reflection... :)

;

2 men - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
The answer is: It's not who you can live with, it is who you cannot live without.

I would go for #2 but it all depends on what you - sm -

[ In Reply To ..]
think you need. I don't think I could ever marry a man I did not have some sort of chemistry with, or at least enjoyed having sex with, even if it was not "fireworks". Fireworks fade eventually. My DH and I still have a good sex life though a bit boring most of the time after 15 years, but we still enjoy it, and we recapture the old fire every now and then, and I still get butterflies in my stomach with him sometimes. But if there was nothing and I did not even want to have sex with him then what is the point. If you think you can live in a marriage/relationship where sex is a horrible chore for you, and he knows it, then eventually your relationship with him will die, and you will always yearn for #2. If you do go with #2 and it does work out, then you will be happy, though I am sure always suffer some guilty feeling. I have had that myself with a former boyfriend, took him years to finally date and he eventually married, which made me feel a lot better. I wonder if I should have stuck it out sometimes but I just could not stand being with him knowing he loved me and I did not feel the same way, so I broke up with him. If you go with #2 and it does not work out you can always crawl back to #1, which from your description he would take you back, but in any case I don't think you would ever be completely happy with him from what you are describing above. If you can marry #1 so you can be "safe" and taken care of then go for it, but if you do you need to make a big effort to change how you react to him in the bedroom. So as the other poster above said, you need to decide what you cannot live without, which was a great response I think to your dilemma.

You probably won't like this, but - sigh

[ In Reply To ..]
I've found myself and have seen others in this situation. You need to break it off with BOTH of them. Yep, both. Give it a little time, sit back, and take a good long look at this. You may be surprised at who you miss most.

Good luck.

Take # 2, but make sure that he marries you!...sm - .

[ In Reply To ..]
It is difficult to be loved by somebody one does not love. It is exhausting if you have to fake feelings you do not have. Either it becomes a prison for you, or you will sooner or later run away.

#1 is like a brother to you, let him find somebody who loves him.

Just be sure that you're sure that #2 wants you (sm) - Another MT

[ In Reply To ..]
I have been in a similar situation before and it seemed to me that once the passion was gone, I could never get it back and I tried for many years. The guy I was with, however, was not so great to me and the passion was gone because of that. The new one was amazing and wonderful, the sex was passionate. He told me how much he loved me. I had never had anyone love me that much. He told me constantly. And when I left the first guy, after two years of knowing the second guy, he was no longer as interested. Why? Because I was free? Because we could see each other whenever we wanted? Because there was no longer anything taboo associated with it? I left the first guy about a year ago. The guy I thought I would be with forever married someone else a month ago. So just be careful. And remember...there is also guy #3 and guy #4 and guy #5 if guy #2 does not work out, so you don't have just two choices. If you are not happy with #1, you should probably leave, whether you have guy #2 or not.

What's your dilemma? You decided already NOT ....sm - .

[ In Reply To ..]
to marry #1 when you slept the 1st time with #2. Do you keep #1 in the background as "safety cushion?" Does #1 know about #2 or do you do this all behind his back? If #1 knows what's going on with #2 and he still wants you, then he is an idiot.

Passion with the #1 guy will never happen. How can you expect this to happen now if there was never any passion and you "therefore" cheated on him?

You say that guy #2 "wants you to come back and be with him."

Ask him what exactly he means by this? Serious intentions or only for sex? Ask him as soon as possible because if he is not serious and has others, you might be in for a very painful and long lasting experience, since you are all head over heel into him. I hope he is faithful, "somewhere out there."

why do women do this? They play with fire and then..sm - .

[ In Reply To ..]
they cry "HELP," feel as though they are the "innocent" victims and "treat me gently."

Being in a relationship demands honesty. Do not lie to others and yourself.

I think you already have your answer - travelinMT

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't know how old you are, not that it matters, but you have already found out the answer to your question. You are not married to #1 which is a good thing. If you were head over heals in love with #1 you would have that chemistry with him. Why would you want to cheat him or yourself out of the opportunity to love someone unconditionally?

I think the advice to cut it off with both of them was excellent advice. Eventually you will figure out what you want but right now you don't know and you are being unfair to everyone involved, yourself, #1 and #2. Notice I put you at the top of that list of those involved. There is alot of truth in the saying "To thine own self be true".

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